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"<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #444444; font-size: 12px;">Sometimes it’s nice to do something different."</span>
I get it completely, OP has said he and his partner are a bit introverted, they have a weekly routine that suits them and don't need the extra stress of MIL, however nice she is, pitching up and occupying the sofa. I feel exactly the same way.
The only conceivable reason for MIL to be having a moan after being offered a weekend visit is because she wants to buy cheaper rail tickets. OP can test this out by telling her he'll pay the difference between her cheap ticket and a weekend one.
OP doesn't like it when people call him out.
You asked you MiL for her opinion on dig name but didn't like it when she gave her opinion, even though you chose a different name anyway!
You asked us for our opinion as to whether you were unreasonable, when we said you were, you spend time trying to convince us otherwise.
Easy solution, don't ask for opinions if you don't want to hear them.
Your MiL can visit me (especially if she is a MiLILF). I live in Scotland and have a dog. Not fussed what days she visits.
Quote>> Your MiL can visit me (especially if she is a MiLILF). I live in Scotland and have a dog. Not fussed what days she visits<<Quote
You are too late Frank,she has already booked in for a week at Rusty Spanner's retreat.
😉
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Quote>>>No, no kids. And don’t want them either.<<<Quote</span>
Don’t blame you, when they grow up they just want their own way all the time and can be really self centred.
<span style="color: #444444;">Rusty Spanner’s retreat.</span>
Haven't heard it called that before 😉
Don’t blame you, when they grow up they just want their own way all the time and can be really self centred.
Yep - and you end up doing all sorts of rubbish things on week nights* when you'd rather veg on the sofa! 🙂
(*and weekends!)
Looking forward to it.
The pampas grass in Burnley is just beautiful this time of year.
She can name that if she likes.
☺
I feel sorry for the dog.
The pampas grass in Burnley is just beautiful this time of year.
I will just store that in the 'Things I never knew about Burnley' folder 🙂
I think you are being perfectly reasonable OP as long as your Mrs thinks the same. It's your home and you aren't excluding her, just adjusting timings.
I'd probably take PeterPoddys tack if she was going to be a drama queen about it tho.
House guests in the week can do one - we struggle to keep the two of us wash and fed midweek. Either or both of us might end up doing 14+ hour days at no notice. It's not unknown for me to be in bed & asleep before she comes home from our 'office hours' jobs.
I don't think your being unreasonable. The MIL sounds like a nightmare.
It's a cavapoo
No it's a posh mongrel.
Who is looking after the puppy during the day?
Maybe a free dog sitter would be good.
Think it's a bit on both sides really. You could have been flexible and agreed but warned her you would most likely only be around and social for a few hours an evening. I'm in bed by 10.30 weekdays and no house guest is going to change that as I'm crap at work if I don't get plenty of sleep.
But it's also wrong of her to go overboard and guilt trip you about it but maybe she had a bad week?
Not worth falling out over so be the bigger person and offer an olive branch.
(quote)I don’t think your being unreasonable. The MIL sounds like a nightmare(/quote)
She sure does. Imagine wanting to come and see her daughter and new dog, travelling hundreds of miles, and the timing isn't completely perfect for the OP 😣😣 She sounds absolutely awfull !!
A lot of posters seem to have ignored the following comments in the OP
"She’s massively taken the huff about this and has been phoning my wife and crying (twice)"
"I should also point out that she expects to be taken care of when she’s here and doesn’t help out with anything."
I suspect some posters criticising ebennett are 'projecting' their own personal circumstances on ebennett's situation, and conflating their own much nicer in-laws with ebennett's mother in law. Some parents and parents in-law are such nice, warm, caring, easy going and helpful people that that their sons and daughters and their spouses would be delighted at any opportunity to spend time with them, knowing that hosting the parents will be a pleasure, and that they would not need to go to any great effort for a short notice mid-week vist, because the parents would not expect it, and will themselves help with cooking etc.
ebennett does not have a mother in-law like that. Instead he has one that resorts to manipulative emotional blackmail and expects to be waited on hand and foot (something which ebennett and his wife are willing to tolerate at the weekend when he and his wife are prepared to put in the effort that is evidently expected). This situation is entirely of the mother in-law's own making.
Just as with children, it's important not to give in to bad behaviour, like the guilt tripping, since it only encourages people like the mother in-law to repeat that behaviour to get their own way. So if only for that reason I would absolutely stick to my guns in ebennett's situation, and make it very clear that turning on the waterworks to get what she wants will never work.
I don't think you are being terrible, nor unreasonable. Your gaff, your rules. Tell the MIL she's welcome to vist at the weekend. Let her worry about the time off and expensive rail travel. She wants to vist so she can fund the trip. I'm sure she'd bend over backwatds to accomodate your whims if the shoe was on the other foot.
Why worry whether she likes the dog's name. It's your choice. She won't be the one calling out its name in the park.
It's a ****ing dog, not the messiah.
ebennett does not have a mother in-law like that.
Do you know them both personally?
Anyway, must dash, family coming to stay tonight. Timing isn't great, maybe I should've told them to bog off so I can sit on the sofa and do nothing.
Do you know them both personally?
No I don't, I'm just going on the OP, rather than deciding who's right and who's wrong based on my own personal circumstances, which is what you appear to be doing. For example your comment in response to ebennett stating that a midweek was inconvenient was:
"Saying it doesn’t make it true."
In threads like this we largely have to accept the OP's comments at face value (unless it's clear that there is a lot more to the story that the OP is telling or unless the mother in-law is a STW member and is going to post her side). Your comment was a rather shallow, pointless dig at the OP which added nothing to the thread. In essence, rather than ask the OP for detail/examples of how it was inconvenient, you simply implied that he was wrong/lying about the inconvenience, and that ergo he was wrong and you were right. That's a pathetic way to post and contributes nothing to the discussion.
and simply served as an opportunity
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 12px; background-color: #eeeeee;">and has been phoning my wife and crying (twice)</span>
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 12px; background-color: #eeeeee;"> Instead he has one that resorts to manipulative emotional blackmail </span>
Oh FFS get a grip. The woman is perfectly entitled to phone "his wife" since she's also her daughter. Why the hell shouldn't a woman phone her daughter to discuss something...
And perish the thought that she might cry on the phone. That's just awful. Simply awful. How dare she open up her feelings to her nearest and dearest.
It's not emotional blackmail FFS, it's communication.
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 12px; background-color: #eeeeee;">expects to be waited on hand and foot </span>
There's a simple answer to this. Just tell the woman to get off her arse and help. Again communicate.
In 30 years time, if my kids told me not to come and visit them midwweek because they couldn;t be arsed I'd be utterly gutted.
If they told me to be less of a lazy bastard when I visted them then that would be fine.
PS, is the guy who UATd the recent changes to this forum still in a job?
Jesus! I bet the OP is regretting asking for advice now. Sounds like some posters have some real mummy issues to work through 😉
Could one of you not take a couple of days off OP? I’m lucky that I really like my in laws. Not seen my own parents for a long time though because I’m made of ethically sourced, artisan evil.
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; background-color: #eeeeee;">In threads like this we largely have to accept the OP’s comments at face value </span>
You appear to be unaware of the difference between opinion and fact. Here, the OP gives his opinion that the visit is inconvenient, but offers very little to support that opinion, other than that he cannot be arsed. I find his attitude selfish and inconsiderate.
^^Is that a fact or just, like, your opinion man?
This has to be the most middle class thing I've ever read.
Is cavapoo the laddette version of beeriod?
the OP gives his opinion that the visit is inconvenient, but offers very little to support that opinion, other than that he cannot be arsed.
Rubbish, the OP has given quite a bit of information to explain his and his wife's desire to host her mother at the weekend, as the quotes below show.
"We’ve both got fairly stressful jobs and are introverts, so after a day of dealing with people at work we like to be able to relax at home."
"doesn’t help out when she comes to visit"
"she’s guilt-tripping my wife"
"Wife is understandably upset about this."
What appears very telling, reading between the lines, is that the OP and his wife are in agreement about this and feel the same way. Unless the OP is being completely misleading and deceiving in his posts, this is not a situation where the wife wants her mother to come and it's just the husband who is trying to force his wife to go along with what he wants and say no to her mother. They both feel like that. It's the wife who is on the receiving end of the tears and guilt tripping, and who is being upset by her own mother's actions. His wife is not being upset by the OP's reluctance to host the mother mid-week.
Normal, decent, emotionally mature, reasonable people don't throw a strop when asked to visit a few days later at the weekend instead of mid-week.
"It’s never been a problem before to come at the weekend."
"After we said it initially she came back and said they’d both come down on a weekend 2 weeks after the date she suggested."
"she just hates not getting her own way"
"she’s very used to getting her own way and usually has a strop until she does"
"she’s unbearably (and I mean unbearably) smug when people do what she wants them to if they’ve intially been resistant"
The above comments are also telling. When she was told it was inconvenient and asked to pick a weekend, she was happy to go along with that. So even though she had already agreed to the weekend option, she has now changed her mind for no apparent good reason, and decided that this is a battle of wills she wants to win, which entirely consistant with the pattern of wanting always to get her own way. Some people do that because it gives them a boost to their self-esteem and sense of self-importance, and it sounds like she might be like that. OP you and your wife have my sympathies.
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; background-color: #eeeeee;">Normal, decent, emotionally mature, reasonable people don’t throw a strop when asked to visit a few days later at the weekend instead of mid-week.</span>
Normal people don't throw a strop when asked to make a very small amount of effort to host their mother.
Most strops seem to be coming from the MIL fan club on this thread.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all with the MiL, but then I'm probably a bit weird. Anything that messes with my mid-week routine and I cannot function. The thought of leaving anyone at home in my house whilst I'm at work would drive me insane. No rational reasons, but I'm a private person and would consider it a massive intrusion.
However, I do think you're being selfish with regards to the dog. I just don't see a dog as a viable pet for a couple working full time, but thats just my view.
Normal people don’t throw a strop when asked to make a very small amount of effort to host their mother.
The OP has not thrown a strop. In response to the mother's request to visit midweek, they simply asked her to come down at a weekend instead, and she came back to them and agreed to it and even suggested a weekend that suited her. Only afterwards for no reason did the mother change her mind and start with the guilt tripping. Reading the OP's posts, he is simply venting his exasperation on this forum at why the mother behaves like this. Nor has this wife thrown a strop, she was instead "upset" by what her mother said and the by the mother's crying in two separate conversations. The only person who has thrown a strop is the mother.
a very small amount of effort to host their mother
The OP has said "she expects to be taken care of when she’s here and doesn’t help out with anything", so 'it's not a 'very small amount of effort', especially after a hard stressfull day at work each day. The OP and his wife are introverts, for whom socialising is itself potentially stressfull and tiring.
OP, many of the posters on this thread criticising you will never have had to deal with parents and parents in-law like your mother in-law, and what you and your wife experience is so alien to them that they are only able to see the situation through the prism of their own relationships and experiences and how they themselves would respond (which might not be appropriate or effective, e.g. the suggestion that you get a grip and just "tell the woman to get off her arse and help" might just work, but I suspect it might be more likely to cause her to behave even worse). As I said, I think it might help you and your wife to think of her mother as if she were a child when she behaves badly: don't react to it or get drawn into heated emotions, just be very firm and clear about what is going/not going to happen. That will be much more difficult for your wife: it's extremely hard to stand up to a parent like that, especially one that knows which buttons to push in the child that they have raised and conditioned. The most important thing you can do is support your wife, but if that's not enough for her and she is unhappy about her relationship with her mother to a much larger extent than just this one incident has caused, then she might want to consider some form of professional counselling to help her better come to terms with the relationship with her mother.
I'm going to side with the OP here. This entire story is utterly ridiculous.
"The MIL wants to intrude on our life, am I being unreasonable in objecting?"
No. It's your life, not hers. You've got a dog ergo she must travel cross-country at a time convenient to herself to visit it? Bugger off. Has she never seen a dog before?
No, but you don’t have a good reason for saying no.
Of course you do.
"No."
There you go. Easy. What other reason do you need? No is the default, not yes. Do you have a good reason to say yes?
Ie, you're over-thinking it.
a) Someone wants to visit.
b) Here's when you can visit.
a) That's not good enough!
b) Well, sucks to be you then, don't come.
I'm suspicious. What does she plan to do during the day huh?? Fancy man? Old people can use tindr too. I would quietly wait her next move, if you reward this kind of strop you teach somebody that is the way to behave. Good practice for the pet dog.
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Most strops seem to be coming from the MIL fan club on this thread.</span>
I concur. It’s a bit scary to be honest. I think some of the MIL defenders should offer her their spare room for a couple of nights during the week. If any of them live near the OP, even better. Bonus points if they also have a puppy!
#ilovethemil
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px;">The OP has not thrown a strop. </span>
Hilarious. That is precisely what he's done. The entire premise of the OP is designed for us to agree with him rather than to establish truth. As a dog whistle for the self centered and needy, he could not have done a better job.
Would it not be simpler to send the dog to visit the MiL?
Thanks for the input all, I took a step back from this to reflect on the responses as it seemed that many thought we were being very selfish. Since then it seems like more people are thinking we've been reasonable, which tallies with the real-world feedback my wife has had from those she's asked about it including FIL and SIL, both of whom don't mince words and would happily have told her if they thought she was being a knob.
It's probably a 50:50 split on here now, but the feedback from people who know us and MIL IRL is what I'm going with.
FWIW my wife and I are in agreement on this one, I'm not twisting her arm. And we do like and get along with MIL generally.
<span style="color: #444444; background-color: #eeeeee;">The entire premise of the OP is designed for us to agree with him rather than to establish truth</span>
I think that's because it's our side of the argument. If MIL (or anyone on the other side of a disagreement) posted her side it would inevitably be crafted from their perspective and designed for you to agree with them. I also don't think there is any 'truth' to this situation - it's a disagreement over the emotional reaction to a request for a change in date, it's not black and white.
For those that think I've thrown a strop, I apologise if that's how it has come across. I saw it as presenting our side of the argument and trying to defend that position, and I got frustrated at one point as I felt some were misunderstanding and believing we'd refused a visit altogether. However, I thought I was reasonable in my responses throughout and didn't think they came across as angry or stroppy - perhaps the lack of emoticon options in the new forum let me down a bit 🙂
Sorry OP, thought you'd sensibly taken the below approach...
Don't worry about it.
It's hard to get your intentions over correctly on here, even when it's working.
☺
She's arrived btw.
She brought a power kite. We're off to the park in a bit to play with other people's puppies.
Yeah, a little bit - but now I'm back at work and it's Friday 🙂
We’re off to the park in a bit to play with other people’s puppies.
Bit early for that sort of thing. Usually more of a night time activity innit?
😾
She's lovely.
We're doing a jigsaw later, then Samantha has said that she's happy to help us both repaint the ceiling.
I think we'll get on.
I think it would be hard for anyone not to get on with you Rusty,you seem like a very accommodating and not terrible person.
What are the plans for the ceiling?
It’s probably a 50:50 split on here now, but the feedback from people who know us and MIL IRL is what I’m going with.
Staggering!
<span style="color: #444444;">'Staggering!'</span>
What, that advice from people who know all of the parties involved, their personalities, and temperaments is likely to have greater validity than advice of randoms on the internet who don't know us from Adam? Shocking, I know.
The big mistake you've made, OP, is to post on STW rather than Mumsnet. You'd have received a very different response over there:
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3156982-MIL-Acting-childish
What, that advice from people who know all of the parties involved, their personalities, and temperaments is likely to have greater validity than advice of randoms on the internet who don’t know us from Adam? Shocking, I know.
It was very clear from the beginning that you'd already made your mind up, and that all you were after was some post hoc validation. You just confirmed that by pointing out that you are not especially interested in the views of the people here.
Sadly she can’t visit us…as OH can’t be in the same house… but “she can’t be in the same house” has her own parents either.
Wut? Why has no-one asked about this???
advice of randoms on the internet who don’t know us
It's great though isn't it,you decided to throw this thread out in to the darkness and see what came back.
Good points...
Next time you will stick to asking ... people who know all of the parties involved, their personalities, and temperaments
Rusty is now enjoying your MIL
It's Friday
You have a new dog
This thread is now the biggest you have ever started.
Bad points
None
It’s all been a most beautiful curve of learning for you, in interpretation, communication and the opinions of randoms on the interweb.
Now you have a great weekend. 🙂
Incidentally, did you buy your dog from a gypsy puppy farm? 'Cos that's where all the trendy mongrel cross breeds come from.
Then you would be a terrible person...
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 12px; background-color: #eeeeee;">It was very clear from the beginning that you’d already made your mind up, and that all you were after was some post hoc validation. You just confirmed that by pointing out that you are not especially interested in the views of the people here.</span>
Yeah, I thought we were in the right when I posted, naturally. Most people who initially posted disagreed, I tried to offer some counter-points, but that remained the case. I then left the thread for a bit to have a think about the posts and reflect on our actions, as I was genuinely interested in opinions. Overnight it seems like there are a few more people who agree with our position, so I don't honestly think there is a clear consensus on this thread that we're being selfish and inconsiderate. Given that the opinions of people who know us IRL were unanimously that we weren't being selfish, I think that's our answer. Would you honestly suggest I should take your advice over theirs?
At this point it pretty much seems like you just want to pick a fight and bicker pointlessly back and forth (in true STW style), so:
"<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 12px;">You appear to be unaware of the difference between opinion and fact. Here, the OP gives his opinion that the visit is inconvenient, but offers very little to support that opinion, other than that he cannot be arsed. I find his attitude selfish and inconsiderate."</span>
Inconvenient in this case is a matter of opinion, not fact. What I might find inconvenient you might not, and vice versa.
"<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #444444; font-size: 12px;">Normal people don’t throw a strop when asked to make a very small amount of effort to host their mother."</span>
We didn't, we asked her politely to come at the weekend instead.
"<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #444444; font-size: 12px;">Hilarious. That is precisely what he’s done. The entire premise of the OP is designed for us to agree with him rather than to establish truth. As a dog whistle for the self centered and needy, he could not have done a better job."</span>
To me this reads as a very stroppy post. Pot, kettle?
"<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: unset; color: #444444; font-style: italic;">she just hates not getting her own way and thinks she always knows best</span>
<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 12px; vertical-align: baseline; background: #eeeeee; line-height: 1.2em; color: #444444; margin: 1rem 0px !important;">I suggest you buy a mirror."</p>
Might I suggest one for you too?
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 12px;">"Incidentally, did you buy your dog from a gypsy puppy farm? ‘Cos that’s where all the trendy mongrel cross breeds come from."</span>
No, apparently reputable breeder registered with Kennel Club etc, all certificates for mum and dad available and got to meet mum and pups at their house. Seemed very nice and knowledgeable so no reason to think it's not above board 🙂
Probably wouldn't have been my choice of breed or to go to a breeder but we needed a non-shedder due to my allergies which limited our choice of breeds and my wife had her heart set on what we got.
Would you honestly suggest I should take your advice over theirs?
You didn't come here for advice.
Good for you, there's too many scumbag breeders out there, 2 colleagues bought from ne'er do wells recently...
"<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #444444; font-size: 12px;">You didn’t come here for advice."</span>
No, it's your opinion:
Given that the opinions of people who know us IRL were unanimously that we weren’t being selfish, I think that’s our answer
Must be nice being psychic and being able to tell what people's motivations are for doing things. Can you also post up the numbers for the Euromillions tonight pls?
Registered with the kennel club? Sorry, but they're lifting your leg. They may have bred something in the past that was registered, but your Cockapoo certainly won't be. They may have been reputable breeders previously, but they're now cashing in on an Instagram fad.
I'm with you on the MIL thing by the way. Your house, your rules, but diplomacy reigns supreme with this sort of stuff.
Must be nice being psychic and being able to tell what people’s motivations are for doing things
You seem to be getting snippy. I'm simply going on what you said. If you meant to say something else, you're welcome to (once again) clarify.
Anyway, aren't you supposed to be incredibly busy?
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 12px;">Registered with the kennel club?</span>
Sorry, should have clarified - they breed poodles and schnausers. No registration for this one of course as it's a mutt 🙂
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 12px; background-color: #eeeeee;">You seem to be getting snippy.</span>
Nope, finding this quite amusing. You said I didn't come here for advice. I said that's your opinion. You said nope, it's your opinion. I've previously said (a couple of times now) that I considered the opinions people posted up but it seems to have become fairly evenly split. Given that you'd therefore pretty much get the same result from flipping a coin a bunch of times, it doesn't seem unreasonable to side with the advice of people who know us IRL.
<span style="font-size: 0.8rem;"> </span><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #444444; font-size: 12px;">Anyway, aren’t you supposed to be incredibly busy?</span>
Don't believe I've said that anywhere? I said the job can bestressful, which it can be. I'm off on holiday tomorrow though, so not so much today...
I said the job can bestressful, which it can be. I’m off on holiday tomorrow though, so not so much today…
The day before I go on holiday is usually the most stressful for me, and generally I never get stressed about work, are you sure you're as important in the workplace as you suggest? 🙂
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 12px; background-color: #eeeeee;">The day before I go on holiday is usually the most stressful for me, and generally I never get stressed about work, are you sure you’re as important in the workplace as you suggest?</span>
Sometimes is, sometimes isn't. Nature of the beast in consultancy, this time the stars have aligned nicely in terms of workload 🙂
Don't believe I said that I thought I was important anywhere? Just that the job can be stressful. One of the most stressful jobs I ever had was working as a waiter and I could have been replaced by pretty much anyone off the street in that job.
Don’t believe I said that I thought I was important anywhere?
I didn't say you said you were.
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; background-color: #eeeeee;">I didn’t say you said you were.</span>
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; background-color: #eeeeee;">are you sure you’re as important in the workplace as you suggest?</span>
So is it the subtle difference between said and suggest?
STW: Come for the advice, stay for the argument...