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This is probably more of a Mumsnet query, but anyway, what does the STW massif think about this?
We're getting a new dog (yay!) and the MIL wants to come down and see it - we live in England and she's in Scotland so it involves her staying with us for a few nights. We've both got fairly stressful jobs and are introverts, so after a day of dealing with people at work we like to be able to relax at home. We've therefore asked that any visit be at the weekend. However, MIL is a nurse and works shifts so it's more tricky to get free weekends, although this has never stopped her visiting at weekends before (usually 3-4 times per year), and wants to come down midweek*.
We'd be happy to have her midweek if there was a good reason for it (e.g. she was in the area anyway for something else) but don't feel that seeing a dog is a particularly good reason. She's massively taken the huff about this and has been phoning my wife and crying (twice), saying she doesn't understand why she wouldn't want to see her mum (and ignoring the fact that we're happy to see her AT THE WEEKEND!), which in my book is emotional blackmail. Wife is understandably upset about this.
Are we being unreasonable in refusing guests midweek or is MIL?
*We also reckon she's seen cheap train fares and wants to take advantage of them. I should also point out that she expects to be taken care of when she's here and doesn't help out with anything.
one answer.........yes you are.......in her eyes.....
without reading any of it if you need to ask then yes you are terrible people.
No, in short. (Not terrible people)
however I would bite the bullet and take one for the family team to avoid a potential long term problem/family feud & have her down.
If you are both at work all day then you'll see her less than at a weekend and she'll have to look after herself too! 😉
Doesn't help out? expects to sit there while you wait on her? fuk awf! tell she can come but has to do all the cooking, cleaning and washing whilst you're at work.
My take on things like that is that, if I really was a terrible person, I wouldn't care. Therefore, I can do anything I like and it's ok as long as I feel bad about it.
Seems pretty tight to me. Its her mum. Surely having her during the week is better as you get to avoid her whilst at work.
I seriously dislike my MiL, In fact my wife dislikes her as well. We had a major falling out and it was great as she didn't visit for 18 months. But we have never said to her that she can only visit on set days (unless we had a bloody good reason) It does sound to me like you are being quite selfish.
As for whether you are terrible, then yes, you are. You have posted a thread on STW about getting a dog and haven't included photos. That makes you bad, very very bad.
Just tell her you changed your mind about the dog.
We’d be happy to have her midweek if there was a good reason for it
Is visiting her daughter who lives a long way away not a good enough reason? I'd be gutted if my kids thought of me like that when they are older.
I am sure that after a highly stresed day at work ,a new dog's much easier to deal with.
The MIL,well she's only family and you have to let her know how things roll in your house.
Answer A or B
A) If she is the MIL/mother from hell ,then you are not terrible.
B) If she is a normal human and just wants to (at great effort) see her daughter,her lovely SIL and new pooch,then you are indeed terrible and selfish.
Although you are both introverted perhaps the MIL feels lonely.... and as my own mother often say's (and it took being a parent to realise) you don't stop being the parent when they grow up and move out.
Personally I'd tell a white lie that you'd love to see her BUT then say how you are both working and busy during the week and she will have to fend for herself.
It's your MiL, tell your wife that you're fine with it and then it's her decision if her mum comes and stays.
Perfect excuse for a night ride in my book and you can always take the dog out for a walk 🙂
Is visiting her daughter who lives a long way away not a good enough reason? I’d be gutted if my kids thought of me like that when they are older.
This - she is family. What real difference does it make? I would be calling her saying 'sorry, we understand how you feel, just come when you can'. Perhaps back it up with a line to explain your initial reticence to have her down mid-week and that she probably won't be able to see as much of you both as she wants just so she is prepared.
You're both being selfish and ungrateful that she wants to see you both as well as the dog.
No.
Stick to your guns. Midweek is no time for houseguests. You've told her you are busy. Her crying is no way to negotiate. Ridiculous. Don't fall for this sort of thing. This is 5yr old behaviour. "I want to come now and if I don't i'm going to cry....waaaaaahhh waaaaah etc"
This might cost you pudding though... 😉
Invite her down midweek, but name the dog after her.
Are we being unreasonable in refusing guests midweek or is MIL?
There's a difference between 'refusing guests' midweek and refusing to have your wife's mum to stay. It might be a pain, but suck it up and stop being unreasonable.If she works weelkends then perhaps the ones she gets off she would like to spend at home?
We don't have our parents forever so enjoy their company when you can and I agree completely with cinnamon_girl
Can I come and have a look at your dog ? Is there a decent chippy near yours ?
Stick to your guns. Midweek is no time for houseguests. You’ve told her you are busy. Her crying is no way to negotiate. Ridiculous. Don’t fall for this sort of thing. This is 5yr old behaviour. “I want to come now and if I don’t i’m going to cry….waaaaaahhh waaaaah etc”
Have you thought that she might be crying because it's upset her?
<span style="color: #444444;">As for whether you are terrible, then yes, you are. You have posted a thread on STW about getting a dog and haven’t included photos. That makes you bad, very very bad</span>
That would involve trying to upload a pic so it can be seen by the new forum and I wasn't even able to do that with the old one!
Interesting that people think we're being unreasonable, I didn't expect that. For those that thought that, isn't it sufficient that we're saying come at the weekend instead (with no restrictions)?
For background, every other visit over the past 7 years we've lived down here has been at the weekend. She's also not lonely, she's got plenty of friends and FIL as well, but he'd be getting left on his own as he works during the week too.
Does she really want to see her daughter or the dog? It’s a long way to travel just to see a dog (I wouldn’t go to the end of my street to see a dog!) but perhaps it’s you and her daughter she really wants to see? Although if she visits mid-week she will see less of you, so I don’t understand why she can’t wait til her next available weekend?
The problem is that the damage is already done now. Even if you agree to a mid-week visit, you have to somehow make it up.
Get her a dog like your one.
Man up, take it on the chin.
Yes, she's negotiating like a 5 year old.
However, it's entirely reasonable to tell her not to expect tea and biscuits on demand, you'll have been at work all day and will probably need to replace the furniture after the new dog does what new dogs do all over it, this might reduce your butlering availability.
PS what sort of dog?
PPS will "edit post" work soon?
<span style="color: #444444;">This is 5yr old behaviour. “I want to come now and if I don’t i’m going to cry….waaaaaahhh waaaaah etc”</span>
This is part of it, she's very used to getting her own way and usually has a strop until she does. Her other daughter's husband hates dogs and refused to have the parents' dog in the house when they came to visit and she moaned about it for months afterwards.
<span style="color: #444444;">Invite her down midweek, but name the dog after her.</span>
She also had a moan about the dogs name - we asked for peoples opinions on 2 options and she said "I don't like either of them".
<span class="skimlinks-unlinked" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; background: #eeeeee; color: #444444;">If</span><span style="color: #444444; background-color: #eeeeee;"> she works weelkends then perhaps the ones she gets off she would like to spend at home?</span>
She works some weekends, not all. It's never been a problem before to come at the weekend.
Interesting that people think we’re being unreasonable, I didn’t expect that. For those that thought that, isn’t it sufficient that we’re saying come at the weekend instead (with no restrictions)?
When my wife's parents were alive they would come and stay at ours midweek as they liked to leave us to have free time at the weekends. When my wife's mum died we used to take her dad on holiday, it was far from ideal, but he needed a break and he enjoyed our company. Sometimes we need to do things that suit other people, particularly our parents, rather than ourselves.
I think you're making a far bigger deal of this than it needs to be, its a few days where your otherwise dull evenings will involve someone else, hardly the end of the world.
Not everyone likes their mum, I love mine and my dad and the Mrs' for that matter so maybe I'm smug, but **** it they aint gonna be around forever so i say come and visit whenever they want. Long time dead etc...
I'm giving up on trying to quote as it's not working...
<span style="color: #454545; background-color: #ffffe0;">I honestly think it's the dog she wants to see (he's a Cavapoo). We saw them at Christmas, so it hasn't been that long.</span>
<span style="color: #454545; background-color: #ffffe0;"> </span>
She also had a moan about the dogs name – we asked for peoples opinions on 2 options and she said “I don’t like either of them”.
Is that not allowed, you did ask for opinions.
Ah,the plot thickens.
See,you are now painting a fuller picture of her character.
Keep going ,I think you could win a few of us over.. 😛
Why not just call her and apologise, explain that your mind was on the new dog and how to best to get it settled. It's all about compromise and reasonableness.
Gary_M is talking much sense.
What's wrong with sending her a picture of the dog, maybe send many pictures of the dog, and some could you include you both 😉
It’s someone to look after you dog while you lead your very stressful lives at work. Then you come home and she may have even prepared a meal for you both as a thank you for having her. One day she won’t be here and you’ll look back wishing you’d seen more of her.
Reading between the lines, sounds like mil is a handful, hence why she's not welcome during the week. Crying because she's not got her way reinforces that idea. She should count herself lucky she's welcome at weekends.
Incontinence understand why people think they have to like family and why people who supposedly like you back think it's okay to treat people with emotional blackmail.
You can pick your friends, unfortunately you're stuck with family. (in most cases 😈)
Send her a link to a rescue centre near her, she can go and walk some.
<span style="color: #444444;">Why not just call her and apologise</span>
Because she's unbearably (and I mean unbearably) smug when people do what she wants them to if they've intially been resistant.
<span style="color: #444444;">Is that not allowed, you did ask for opinions.</span>
We presented it as "We're either calling him X or Y, which do you prefer" - isn't it nicer to just choose one of the options rather than saying you don't like either? If we had chosen one of those names (we didn't in the end) then we'd always have known she didn't like it. Not that it matters to me, but my wife would have cared.
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 12px; background-color: #eeeeee;">Does she really want to see her daughter or the dog? It’s a long way to travel just to see a dog (I wouldn’t go to the end of my street to see a dog!) but perhaps it’s you and her daughter she really wants to see? Although if she visits mid-week she will see less of you, so I don’t understand why she can’t wait til her next available weekend?</span>
I think for parents it can be more about just generally being in the same house.
When I visit my mum I'm mostly out on my bike... but she seems to appreciate it all the same. Its more about me being around.... generally than "doing stuff".
Sadly she can't visit us...as OH can't be in the same house... but "she can't be in the same house" has her own parents either.
Your not terrible people, but your definitely being selfish in this regard. Gary_M says it all really.
(Quote)I think you’re making a far bigger deal of this than it needs to be, its a few days where your otherwise dull evenings will involve someone else, hardly the end of the world.(/quote)
Maybe she wants to come midweek so she doesn't have to spend so much time with you?
Perhaps because you are terrible people?
If you're introverts, surely you should welcome this too?
isn’t it nicer to just choose one of the options rather than saying you don’t like either? If we had chosen one of those names (we didn’t in the end) then we’d always have known she didn’t like it
Oh, so you didn't like them either? Seems odd that you would prefer it if she lied to you just to spare your feelings.
Parents can be tricky to have to stay, sometimes they don't like to do stuff like make the dinner as they feel they're taking over particularly when the people concerned appear a bit set in their ways. My mum didn't help much when she came to stay but we just took it on the chin, we were making dinner anyway so it was just as easy to make it for one more. You just need to be a bit more understanding.
Surely the correct answer is to do whatever your wife wants to do?
That said a midweek visit has the benefit of not seeing as much of her especially if there is a convenient work crisis meaning you are later finishing than usual.
We are the in-laws when we visit my son and his partner 350 miles away a few times a year. A mid week visit wouldn't even have occurred to me. Why visit someone when they are working? And we always check a date is convenient before going. If including a week day we say we will amuse ourselves and for him not to waste any holiday days though he often takes a Friday off.
"She also had a moan about the dogs name – we asked for peoples opinions on 2 options and she said “I don’t like either of them”.
Why was she asked? Bugger all to do with her. If she is controlling it just gives her something else to moan about.
"
Genuine question, just trying to get my head around this - why are our wishes less important than hers? Like I said, we're not saying she can't visit at all, just that we'd rather it was at the weekend. To my (admittedly overly rational at times) brain it boils down to agreeing a mutually convenient date for a visit and I can't get my head around that we're not allowed to say that the date she's suggested is inconvenient.
So you're getting a new dog and are both going to be out of the house all day when you first get it? Sounds like a bad idea to me. My wife took 2 weeks off when we got our puppy to make sure he was properly settled in before we left him for any amount of time. Take advantage of someone else being there to look after it while you're out. Better for the puppy (which makes life easier for you in the long run), your MiL will be appeased, and you don't have to see her during the day.... win, win, win.
You said yourself it’s not always easy for he to visit on a weekend. Maybe you could visit her instead?
“<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Interesting that people think we’re being unreasonable, I didn’t expect that.</span><span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> ”</span>
Why did you ask then ? 🤔
why are our wishes less important than hers?
Because she's your partners mum, and if you can't grasp the fact that sometimes you need to put other people first then you're a lost cause.
Do also remember that a lot of people saying 'I'd tell her to get lost' type stuff wouldn't actually do that in real life.
Of course this isn't your first in law issue is it........
I think you’re making a far bigger deal of this than it needs to be, its a few days where your otherwise dull evenings will involve someone else, hardly the end of the world.
+1
Mmmm, so you have a new dog and are prepared to leave it all day long whilst you're out at work. You have a MiL that works her socks off in the underfunded NHS and struggles to see you at the weekend. Your MiL (who could be desperately lonely, bless her) is prepared to travel all the way across Scotland and England just to see you and her very own flesh and blood daughter and you want it all on your terms. The very same person that carried your wife around for 9 months and then gave birth to your wife....!
And no pictures of the puppy either!
Errr, you not horrible people at all, nope, not at all.....
Have you ever heard the phrase "suck it up buttercup"?
Because I think it applies here.
she just hates not getting her own way and thinks she always knows best
Are you sure that you're describing her? Because it's how you come across here.
I'm not going to pretend that I always look forward to a visit from the parents in law, but I wouldn't dream of saying that they couldn't come. Think of it this way: she spent much of your partner's childhood doing things she didn't want to do, because that's called being a parent. Would it kill you to return the favour, to a tiny extent?
She can come and stay at ours if she wants.
Haven't got a dog though.
Quote >>Maybe she wants to come midweek so she doesn’t have to spend so much time with you?
Perhaps because you are terrible people?
If you’re introverts, surely you should welcome this too?<< Quote
I laughed too long and too loud at that^^
I am a terrible person 😉
Take a photo of the dog, and have a life sized cardboard cutout made. Send it to her and tell her that she can name it whatever she wants! 😉
<span style="color: #444444; background-color: #eeeeee;">So you’re getting a new dog and are both going to be out of the house all day when you first get it? </span>
Wife is taking time off the first week and I'll WFH the next week, we do have a plan for this. She's also not planning on coming while the wife is off, it was to be a few weeks after that.
<span style="color: #444444;">Because she’s your partners mum, and if you can’t grasp the fact that sometimes you need to put other people first then you’re a lost cause.</span>
And 90% of the time we do, in fact it's almost always us putting their wishes first. Why is it wrong for us to ask for a simple change of date? After we said it initially she came back and said they'd both come down on a weekend 2 weeks after the date she suggested. But now she's guilt-tripping my wife about the fact that we said it was inconvenient during the week. Are you honestly saying that any time a parent/in-law asks you for something the immediate answer is always yes and that you should never be able to say no?
<span style="color: #444444;">I’m not going to pretend that I always look forward to a visit from the parents in law, but I wouldn’t dream of saying that they couldn’t come.</span>
Once again for those in the cheap seats - we didn't say she couldn't come at all, just that we preferred if she came at the weekend. She didn't come back and say "that's the only date I can do for the next few months" - if she had, we'd have said ok. She came back with another date at a weekend 2 weeks afterwards. After that, she took the huff. Is a change of date truly an unreasonable request?
Are you honestly saying that any time a parent/in-law asks you for something the immediate answer is always yes and that you should never be able to say no?
No, but you don't have a good reason for saying no.
You asked for an opinion, you're then challenging every opinion that's different from yours. Did you just want everyone to say 'yes, you're doing the right thing', a bit like the dog name options scenario?
Just ask on Mumsnet next time you can swear on there and everything.
Once again for those in the cheap seats – we didn’t say she couldn’t come at all, just that we preferred if she came at the weekend. She didn’t come back and say “that’s the only date I can do for the next few months” – if she had, we’d have said ok. She came back with another date at a weekend 2 weeks afterwards. After that, she took the huff. Is a change of date truly an unreasonable request?
It's apparent that all you're looking for here is people to agree with you. Given that you said this about your MiL:
she just hates not getting her own way and thinks she always knows best
I suggest you buy a mirror.
Just be honest with her. If its too stressful for you during the week then say so.
There is (normally) nothing wrong with saying 'no' to someone until you start making bad excuses.
I guess you don't have kids ebennet?
This is the woman that taught your wife to poo and you can't put her up mid week 'cause it's a bit stressy.
I'm going to assume you haven't got kids but when you do it gives you a different perspective on what your parents went through just get the basics right.
Terrible people no, bit selfish... yes.
Family comes before any other consideration.
One day, and it'll come much sooner than you think, they won't be there any more so appreciate them while you can and never, [i]eever[/i] do anything you might regret after they've gone.
You need to man up and stop being selfish. Parents are not around forever.
I've just seen your MIL's will and she's now leaving her house to the cats home.
Oh and in my eyes I'd much rather have a visit mid-week than messing up my weekend.
<span style="color: #444444;">No, but you don’t have a good reason for saying no.</span>
Again, genuine question - is the fact that it's inconvenient and, to an extent as koldun suggested, stressful to have them during the week not a reason?
For those that are saying I'm just wanting people to agree with me and wanting my own way, I apologise if it's coming across like that - I genuinely want to hear people's opinions, but to me it seems like most are reading that we've said no to a visit altogether, which isn't the case. We've simply asked for the visit to be at a weekend - is that truly unreasonable?
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #eeeeee;">There’s a difference between ‘refusing guests’ midweek and refusing to have your wife’s mum to stay</span>
this
If she's anything at all like my MIL, then... <span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #444444; font-size: 12px;">Perfect excuse for a night ride in my book and you can always take the dog out for a (three day) walk sounds good.</span>
Oh FFS. Followed the idiot's guide and still can't quote...
No, no kids. And don't want them either.
Again, genuine question – is the fact that it’s inconvenient and, to an extent as koldun suggested, stressful to have them during the week not a reason?
Nothing you've posted strikes me as a good reason why they can't come when they'd like to.
Again, genuine question – is the fact that it’s inconvenient and, to an extent as koldun suggested, stressful to have them during the week not a reason?
I've yet to see a genuine reason why it's inconvenient, other than it stops you doing what you do every other evening.
but to me it seems like most are reading that we’ve said no to a visit altogether,
Not at all, I'm reading it as she can come at a time that suits you, and you're not really prepared to change your routine.
I've re-read my OP and it does read as though we've refused a visit altogether, so apologies for any confusion 🙂
To clarify - She requested to come down during the week, we said it was inconvenient, can you come at the weekend instead? She said fine and suggested a date to which we agreed. She then took the huff about the fact that we'd prefer not to have visitors during the week, not the fact that she wasn't allowed to visit.
No need to clarify, I understood the situation in your first post.
If she insists on coming midweek, then I suggest you keep to your 'normal' weekday schedule of working late, going straight to the pub, then rolling home and straight into bed. Sorted.
Or better still, say: "I'm so glad you're coming to look after the puppy for an evening so we can go out.."
To clarify – She requested to come down during the week, we said it was inconvenient
Saying it doesn't make it true.
and I'll add that having a rule where you never have visitors during the week because you have a 'stressful job' is just a but odd. Sometimes it's nice to do something different.
There’s a dead easy solution to all this.
Call her back, say “We asked if you’d come down at the weekend so we could spend some time with you. We won’t be around much midweek and we won’t be going out/staying up late/socialising/drinking/cooking/entertaining or whatever but you’re welcome to come and walk the dog, and make dinner for us when we get home”
That’s what I’d say.... 🙂
Whatever you do now, the damage was done when you initially said a midweek visit was inconvenient. When really it isn't, especially in her eyed. ☹ what was said can't be unsaid.