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Not one of those silent ones that vegetarians do, but proper loud ones, that make people look outside for a misfiring motorbike driving past,
My son let fly a hip ripper of epic proportions earlier. He then stood proudly, beaming from ear to ear at his achievement.
Proud father.
Full on check wipe
Give me some dried apricots and 30 minutes and I’ll make a maggot gag.
Yep, i’m a champion farter. At the right time of course, like when I get my four year old to pull my finger.
I think the question should be....does anyone not properly fart? ( especially when in the house alone!)
Once after a big curry with copious Cobras I had the house to myself the next morning. Good job as not only did I fart extremely loudly for about 6 hours but they truly stank! A very unusual combination for me! 😳
Oh aye, pakora, curry, beer = thunderous bellowing, magic duvet and shart checks. Wife has kicked me out the bed before now.
Me and my mate send our morning farts to each other via whatsapp ....proper rippers
Yep, i’m a champion farter.
Not round here you wouldn't be.
I can do a very passable impression of a thick felt curtain being ripped from top to bottom.
I have also nearly caused fights at two sporting events by farting continually and disgustingly until nearby people in the crowd have threatened me with physical violence.
Also, fathomer of this parish (who is one of my riding group) did one in a youth hostel hallway on an evening on a trip (which I wasn't actually on), that apparently lingered so long and badly that someone else complained about it the next morning.
Me and my mate send our morning farts to each other via whatsapp ....proper rippers
It's what Alexander Graham Bell intended right from the outset.
Oh, and it [u]is[/u] big, it [u]is[/u] clever [u]and[/u] it makes you look tough.
At the minute it involves a level of care and consideration as stomach has been funny since xmas.
Otherwise my favourite is to fart in empty lifts and leave for the next victim
Otherwise my favourite is to fart in empty lifts and leave for the next victim
Wrong on so many levels.
See also- Crop Dusting.
When I was a kid I distinctly remember my dad would get up in the morning, and his ‘dawn chorus’ ablutions would involve pissing like a cart horse while simultaneously passing wind like a huge German anti-tank gun. Proper window rattlers! He must have caused structural damage to the house
I have become my dad 😀
Daniel Goodwin, where ever he is now was champion farter.
In the PE changing rooms, it was so vial, Neil Golightly actually threw up!
I once ate a whole pack of dried apples, which resulted in an almost continuous stream of the most sulphurous emanations.
To quote Greg Davies; I was farting more than I wasn't farting. I don't mind telling you, I've never been happier!
Wrong on so many levels.
Beautiful.
Thread of the week! It's those ones that feel physical, like the air buildup is breaking off in chunks before it exits. They're the most beautiful for me.
My missus is a champion, and for some reason she thinks the loo is sound proofed
May I offer you one of Douglas Adams' finest creations : [url= http://tmoliff.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/berepper-n.html ]Berepper[/url]
I think there may be something wrong with me, all I seem to do these days is a tiny little trumpet on getting out of bed and that's about it. No lovely loud ones, no fantastically smelly ones.
I must be ill...
I produced one this morning in bed. I thought I'd woken in a marshalling yard. Sounded like a Deltic at full revs,sans exhaust.
It actually hurt my bumhole and gave my cheeks a good slapping.
I quite enjoy stepping in a duck at the doorway of the DIs office when he's on a conference call, as he cannot help but get the giggles. Also, and I appreciate this may contravene ECHR, but, when the new guest is a complete bellend, there is something quite satisfying about leaving one in a cell just before you shut the door.
That's what I had in mind thepurist 🙂
My mate's farts were so bad his wife had him admitted to hospital to have a barium enema so they could check if there was anything wrong with his bowels. One was so bad that the driver of the car had to stop on the hard shoulder of the motorway and leave all the doors open to let the air in the car clear 😆 If he was driving the bugger would disable the electric windows so you couldn't escape them! They weren't SBDs either. 😯
I once made a room mate throw up with a wonder guff on a team Christmas do to Spain, when a young surveillance officer it was always the done thing to stick the electric window lock on before gassing the car. Happy days.
Also, and I appreciate this may contravene ECHR, but, when the new guest is a complete bellend, there is something quite satisfying about leaving one in a cell just before you shut the door.
This is an acceptable use of the taxpayer's pennies. Bravo.
If i have to work with certain people i ensure cabbage the night before...I can clear out a patrol car in under 9 seconds 😀
Where were you when I needed you last year...
I have often feared for my own safety so slept with the windows open to ensure I don’t die of methane poisoning
My wife has been known to wait until I nod off on the sofa then just nestle her butt cheeks on my forehead and then let rip, she thinks it's very funny but woe betide if I dare try it!
Maff - my sister and me used to do that to each other at every available opportunity
Anyway.... after a day of suitably fermentable festive food and a few gassy euro-lagers i’ve Just walked upstairs, smuggling ducks
Very rewarding! 😀
I once woke myself up with a fart because it smelt so bad...
Finding your own revolting is the pinnacle of farting.
There has been many a time where I wished I could stop farting as it was actually beyond a joke. I know!
A "pinnacle" is a different beast, but not entirely unrelated.
A pinnacle is a dump of such magnificence that it crests above the paltry waves of the bowl, like a new born volcano rising from the deep.
My angelic, tiny three year old daughter produced one of those this evening, don't know where she puts it!
Evidently inherited her digestive system from my side of the family.
The correct term for a pinnacle is a Kilauea - undersea volcano so big it soars above the surface.
I made a mate of mine vomit out of a car window coming back from my stag do. Two nights and one day of curry and ale left me in peak form. I slipped one out in the back of the car and it had just risen back up out of the footwell as he turned around from the passenger seat to say something. He got a face full and immediately turned away, frantically trying to get the windows down. He then chundered down the side of the car. Happy days.
I did one earlier in the hallway outside the baby's room. It woke her up. Wife = not impressed 😆
Matt, Anak Krakatau, shirley?
I did one earlier in the hallway outside the baby's room. It woke her up. Wife = not impressed
It's funnier when they're older. Now if I let rip on the landing near the kids' bedroom doors I get one of two responses.
Daughter (nine and very polite): "[b]Daddy![/b] what do you say?"
Son (six and a typical boy): "Ha ha ha ha, but you didn't get me to pull your finger first".
A pinnacle is a dump of such magnificence that it crests above the paltry waves of the bowl, like a new born volcano rising from the deep.
Of course if you can break the surface with a single log it's officially a "periscope poo"
This thread seems ideal for those of us avoiding all the NYE malarkey. So, should we compile the definitive list of euphemisms for the fine art of the fart? Why yes, we should!
I'll start;
Fart
Trouser trumpet
Bottom cough
Hip ripper
One cheek sneek (Stealthy, but not a...)
SBD
Air biscuit
Bum burp
Ground frog
Smuggling a duck (Courtesy of Binners, above)
Parp
Quack
Poop
Thunder from down under
More?
Slicing cheese
Trump (predates the great man)
And often said after proudly dropping a berepper (see above) "Get out and walk"
I'll probably repeat a few but,
Treading on a duck.
Guff.
Parp.
Underwater bugling.
Sawing one off.
Last minute entry for Thread of the Year nominations.
In the car just turn the radio up
I consider my ability to “say hello Dr brown” the only true skill I possess. I did go through a few months a while back where none of my trouser shouts smelt at all. I was really concerned, and the simultaneous development of tremendous violent volume did help to make up for it for a while (although my ass was chapped like Sherpa Tensings cheeks) but without smell are you really a man?
Thankfully I soon recovered and to my delight the volume stayed and the stink returned to a new professional level I’m- smells so bad were coming out of me they were thinking of adding my buttock chuffs illegal under the Geneva Convention.
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I've just been for a walk with youngest_oab, and played the pull my finger game...
I didn't realize loud farts relied on meat eating. I'm vegan and find it impossible to fart quietly. All is silent for most of the day but I seem to unleash hell for about an hour for some reason. Like being on a long haul flight and hitting turbulance.
You missed
Butt Bazooka
Paint Peeler
Green smoke
Stink bomb
Toot
Like being on a long haul flight
In Business Class, no one can hear you fart. Trust me on this! 🙂
Going for a stroll down the back and crop dusting it can be fun, too.
What I like are not so much the euphemisms for farting, but the phrases to be uttered before and/or after.
Denise, do you want to hear something terrible? What? [i]Paarp[/i]
Denise, do you want to hear something really bad? What is it? [i]Paarp[/i]
Denise, do you want to hear something really funny? Go on? [i]Paarp[/i]
Denise, have you heard my new ring tone? No. [i]Paarp[/i]
[i]Paarp[/i] Joe stop that! Certainly Denise, which way did it go?
(Denise is our admin lady and she DOES NOT approve of farting).
[i]Paarp[/i] More tea vicar? No thank you, it makes me fart.
And if you listen...[i]Paarp[/i]...it sounds like a Golf.
A bit more choke and she'd have started.
You've ripped it so you'll have to buy it.
Well struck Sir!
and so on...
A bit more choke and she'd have started.
Tears streaming as I remember a day with a colleague who rattled one into an open canoe and said this...
A few minutes later he was heading into the bushes having discovered he maybe gave it a bit too much choke, and had started.... 😯
Oh how we laughed...
So he flooded his engine?
There was certainly some backfiring...
Crying with laughter.
Farting bracket still amuses me. As I get older, my cars have to have both left and right fitted so I am able to ease springs when mobile.
On family camping trips my son has actually eaten his breakfast outside in the drizzle rather than stay in the tent with me as I recreate a WW1 artillery bombardment.
My wife just let a ripper out but she does read the forum occasionally especially threads like this so if I don’t post over the next week you know what has happened to me...
My 80ish year old father in law let rip in a motorway services toilet so loudly that I heard him at the other end while I was washing my hands and the guy in the cubicle next to him actually groaned - legend!
I followed through on Christmas day a year or so back.
My proudest moment was early last year. The neighbours four year old daughters room is next to our bathroom. In the early hours one day I let loose a fart so loud that it woke her and made her cry.
Stepped on a frog?
A chap I work with, and stuck in the same space as him for 6 hours a day, manages farts that sound like someone holding a pair of marigold gloves and flapping them about.
seadog101A chap I work with, and stuck in the same space as him for 6 hours a day, manages farts that sound like someone holding a pair of marigold gloves and flapping them about.
Butt flappers are great.
Unfortunately also the most likely in the fart family to leave Sanskrit marks in your Y fronts.
The one thing I miss more than anything else from not having a bowel is a damned good fart closely followed (in terms of missing - not necessarily chronologically) by a nice relaxing dump.
Just not the same squeezing it out of a bag...
My wife - lentils, quinoa, dried apricots and plenty of veg has her farting like a racehorse, even the dog knows when to leave the room 😀
Sanskrit marks
Brass rubbings?
After a night out at a real ale festival over 20yrs ago, I stumbled in to the office the following morning with the foulest of guts. Fortunately my team were all out bar the Uncouth Aussie, and we were separate from the rest of the department by a modest partition. The smell grew too bad however, so I took myself out into the London streets and tried to walk the stench off. Relieved and depressurised, I returned to my desk to find the Maintenance Team ripping up floor tiles in a vain search for a rotting rodent carcass. I turned, and walked back outside.
Barking spiders
Sadly I no longer peel off as many as I used to as a result of lansoprazole intake, but Mrs Scape has taken over the farting duties here at Scapegoat Hill. The kids still remind her of the time she was sitting on one of the kitchen chairs, a beech ply affair, connected accoustically to the laminate flooring by its steel frame, and perfectly speakered from there to the ground floor by the stairs and landing as efficiently as any PA monitor. I was downstairs at the other end of the house, and my son was out in the garden with his girlfriend. Daughter was in her bedroom with the door shut, yet all four of us were treated to the results of Mrs Scape's sproutfest.
Summer1992, me and a mate were taking a driving / camping holiday around the south of France. We pitched at a beachside campsite at Ramatuelle and after a day in the sun, had a sesh on "33", rosé and Pernod. I woke quite early with what felt like a 90 bar belly. Tight as a drum it was.
Tentatively I raised my hips and opened my legs. With the slightest of thutches, my arse valve snapped open and the most wonderful baritone keff clattered into the morning air.
A couple of seconds later, our Austrian neighbour bellowed "nine point eight."
My score! I laughed my bloody head off.
I walked in to my 13 year old daughters bedroom after being beckoned with “dad.... just come here a minute”
She then grinned at me and emitted a noise like someone slowly tearing a heavy velvet curtain
I’ve taught her well
My mates Sisters boyfriend had a boil in an awkward place
He persuaded her to take a look
He lay on the bed legs behind his ears
she leaned in to inspect , of course he decided to do the obvious
Let's just say she needed a wash afterwards and such was the force of his effort
The adjacent bedroom wall needed a scrub and a new lick of paint
And NO they are not still together
A cautionary tale. My farts used to sound like a motorbike. I saw a doctor and he diagnosed an abscess up my bum.
It turns out, abscess makes the fart go Honda.
Barking spiders
It's a while since I've heard that one 😆