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Abridged version - I’d really appreciate some leads to find some help in the NW (England). Now I’ve asked advice and contributed here for years, but nothing of such weight, or at such a difficult time. Powder Coating recommendations seem trivial now 😌 Any posts/help in finding someone half decent and trustworthy would be much appreciated 🙏
Slightly longer story - I’m an only child of ace parents in ill health. Dad until recently was fighting fit 85 year old, driving, shopping, looking after my younger mum (79) who has vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s - relatively early stages. Since Feb/March this year Dad has had a downward spiral of unknown infection, reaction to antibiotics giving him a medicinal induced liver injury, “failed”discharge to care home /rehab and readmission after 12 hours with a broken hip. Now add delirium and very poor cognition post surgery. During most of the year I’ve been visiting and generally being an advocate for him, trying and failing to get the best outcome possible for him at each stage. The system is seriously broken. Add to this - I’ve been caring for/supporting mum - shopping/medicine/meals/docs visits etc, working full time plus trying to have a life as a husband and father to two young kids. Other less important stuff hasn’t happened (most cycling/fitness etc) It’s been hell and despite a loving wife - I’ve never felt so alone, overwhelmed and paralyzed by the leaflets pushed my way recently, plus all the big big decisions now sitting solely with me. Hence the need for some advice around ongoing care for Dad and planning for Mum. X2 POA in place for both.
Thanks 🙏
Get in touch with Social Services if not already - they are entitled to carer visits and this should help a little. Worth looking at a 'carers' charity for some useful help and support - my wife used one for a while whilst looking after her parents, then her mum after FIL died (he was main carer)
It's tough @beagle , I went through similar a couple of years ago.
I think you need to understand some of the constraints you need to consider - money is the big obvious one.
If your folks have savings above £30k ish and/or own their own home of greater value than you are going to have to pay for everything - including carer visits.
Once you can reconcile that, you need to think what options you want/need in terms of care homes or carers at home.
If you go down the care home route then you need to get out there and look what is available - visit them with a view of what you will accept and what your parents want. And remember that what is best for you and your family also has to come into it. Without being too blunt, knackering yourself trying to do too much is no use to anyone. Your kids need you as much, if not more than your parents.
In my experience, Social Services were very good at saying what wasn't possible but not great at providing constructive actionable advice - I suspect they were just over worked.
Going through this too.
Age UK / Age Concern in Oldham have been really supportive and helpful over the phone for my partner.
Age UK / Age Concern
+1, went through similar with FIL, the system really is broken & hospital seems to be the worst place for the elderly 😕 as above please look after yourself & make sure you do have some time out either with your family or on your own if you need it, sorry I can't help further.
Not in the north west, but happy to help if I can. I have both personal and professional experience of this and can take you through your options. We help a few families each year by representing them at continuing healthcare hearings. Unfortunately we have to give many more families the bad news that they are on their own as far as funding is concerned. But at least you will know.
Happy to do an initial Zoom/ Teams meeting to talk you through the options - F.O.C and no obligations. nick.ash@will-probate.co.uk if you want to get in touch.
Been tnrough this with in laws and no doubt will have it with my own folks in the next few years.
Social services/NHS are lovely people but hopelessly underfunded and underresourced.
Charities/local support groups can be invaluable.
If your parents have assets/savings, spend it on getting them the care they need.
Make sure you look after yourself - speak to employers, see if some form of flexible working can be arranged to help you and ultimately them. Unions can be helpful, if your employer offers a support or advice line then use it.
You can't look after anyone if you haven't looked after yourself, sadly.
As above, contact your local adult social care team. There should be info on your local council website which should point you in the right direction, you should then get an assessment and find out options etc
Either of your parents ex services? Have had lots of support from the RAF Benevolent fund for my Dad. Also look into charities for particular disabilities - my Dad is blind and this has been really helpful as well.
Thanks for all the suggestions and nuggets of advice. All very much appreciated. NJA - you have mail. Thank you 🙏
I think we’ll be on our own with costs. Social worker wise - brief meeting with Mum’s a few weeks back, confirmed she’ll be self funding and pamphlets issued/case closed. Dad’s Social Worker looking after the local authority discharge/rehab section of a care home is pushing for a discharge from there - Occupational Therapist says Dad is at his baseline, needing x2 staff to help him walk. I’ve seen scant signs of Physio, and when I have seen them, it’s such a short session and irregular. His arthritic knees haven’t coped with being laid up for so long in hospital from the severe reaction to the antibiotics (circa 7 weeks), and then from hip surgery, as a result of wrongly discharging him to an inappropriate setting. Surgery then impacting him cognitively. I’m struggling with the unfairness of that, then them both being faced with the full costs of a 24hr setting for him.
I’ll get into contact with charities locally (for carers and Age UK). Dad is ex Services too - last of National Service - though he did enjoy and stayed on for a while.
Appreciate the words about looking after myself, I understand that totally, just find it harder to put into practice. With only 24hrs in a day, I’ll shave off what I can - which mostly means my own stuff. Even eating on the fly, skipping meals/exercise. I’ll admit and am conscious of the fact my own welfare has taken a battering.
thanks again all and best wishes for those going through this/similar too 🙏
Oh Beagle - I am so sorry to read this. My sil going through same with very elderly parents. One is absolutely knackered looking after the other, who won't go into a home and demands routine. The carehome at Mellor (near Shiloh crossroads) is supposed to be good. I could cook them some meals if that helps.
Bunnyhop x
Problem we are finding is that all the advice and support is predicated on people who aren't going to be paying for it, as soon as you tell them that there's no point wasting time with a means test cos FiL has a bunch of savings you seem to be on your own.
Having said that my wife did get a few pointers. It's still all supposed to be her job to organise though.
People can martyr themselves to an unlimited degree depending on guilt and/or their wish for an inheritance.
Where in nw are you, I had to look at care homes for parents. For self funders at least you can choose, big range of prices and quality.
At least get the care allowance for both, every little helps.
What's a solla btw, best of luck, v stressful.
That’s been put back to October 2025. Going through very similar at moment.
Sounds like a tough situation and I wish you all the best OP. Afraid I can't offer much practical advice, but I fear I'll be in a similar position soon with my dad who has (undiagnosed) vascular dementia.
My sympathy op
I have been on a similar journey the last few years, firstly I will say things will improve for you as you get to grips with what is going on, and as you begin to understand the system and how it works. It is however incredibly stressful and upsetting for so many reasons right now., I know.
It is vital that you look after yourself. You wouldn't under any circumstances allow a job to reduce you to a gibbering mess, and like it or not you have been handed a job. If you are not careful, things can get too much and then someone has to look after you. I thought I could handle it all but I couldn't and now my health has taken a kicking. Don't be afraid to admit you need support.
There will be a lot of people involved who don't really help much, and a a few people who are worth their weight in gold. Try and identify who they are, get their phone number and write it down. They will be the ones with all the contacts and phone numbers to the right departments. Don't waste time on the others
In my experience the British Red cross were absolute diamonds and helped enormously. I would never have thought it but they were tremendous
Local adult social care were superb also, when the shit hit the fan they really came through.
As far as care is concerned, my experience was that on discharge my father received six weeks of free care 4 times a day. At the end of six weeks a permanent package is put in place, either la funded or self funded. This was a private company. Assuming self funding, you could set this up yourself. In the circumstances I let the system run as it seemed the easiest path to take, and frankly I had no idea where to start.
My father now has care via a provider we found ourselves, but it was less stressful to do over time and via recommendation. Be aware though, care is in utter meltdown and many providers simply have no capacity for new clients. In my experience you will not be left without care if it is needed.
I suppose I am old school but I have kept everything in a notebook, all medical and care discussions, med information and contacts. I try to separate it all from my family life and make all phone calls from a spare room. This enables me to keep a lid on how much it intrudes, as and when
From a practical point I have had three incidents where my father's meds have been changed and it has made him very ill due to side effects. So I try and keep abreast of what he's on and what they do. Don't assume that someone will know they shouldn't have drug a while on drug b.
Re the POA, start the process of getting control of bank accounts etc now. Write a list of who you need to contact and work through methodically. It's a process, frustrating at times but play it all with a straight bat
Good luck
You could also try looking up curam care and chs healthcare on the internet. They are third parties but their model is to help people to find social care who are classed as self funders , ie over £23,250.00 and therefore likely to be closed to the LA as above. If under £23250, houses are not taken into the equation by the LA for dom care, only residential care.
My dad currently uses a local small care agency and a national one called home instead. They were recommended by a family friend and seem to be doing well so far.
The small agency came via conversation with nurses in hospital, they had colleagues who had gone into care work that they could recommend.
Thanks for the replies all. Especially Bunnyhop. That’s so kind and thoughtful. I have a day off work to spend with my daughters today, museum planned at lunchtime and an early spanner has been thrown in the works. <br /><br />I totally agree to comments re self funders - you just seem to get pushed some info and told to get on. I’m lost.
Social worker obviously wants him out of his current location asap. Quick email yesterday giving option of one placement, and this mornings spanner in the works is being contacted urgently and pressured to accept the place without even looking at it or others, understanding costs etc etc. This despite being told that she (social worker) would arrange visits, help me through the process. Being told I’ll lose the place, if I’m not quick.
I don’t like rushing into any decision and like a bit of research/due diligence, but this seems crazy.
One thing you can do is insist that he can't be discharged unless/until there's somewhere safe for him to go to. That's a responsibility that they usually take seriously.
It's not actually your job to find a solution and they can't make it your job, but in the final analysis it usually ends up being. Yes you'll have to do some legwork, if you're looking for a self-funded care home then phone around a few rather than just accepting the first they suggest. You are largely on your own, but if you're lucky, maybe someone known to you can offer some experience/advice? In my dad's case, there were a couple of well-regarded care homes just around the corner, there was a little bit of to-and-fro regarding spaces and waiting lists between me, my mother, and them, and then we jumped for one. And it turned out ok, at least as ok as these things ever do.
Similar for home care etc depending what's appropriate. Less spendy (probably), perhaps much so, but also probably a bit more daily hands-on for you in managing the visits, changing demands, whatever. FiL has some of this currently, we anticipate it ramping up over time until there's a catastrophe...
It’s not actually your job to find a solution and they can’t make it your job, but in the final analysis it usually ends up being.
Very much this. My mum ended up being admitted to hospital from her home following a fall. She was in hospital around 6 weeks and it was clear to all that she would no longer be safe at home even with carers in 4 times a day. There were clear signs of dementia, and she was desperate to go home. I wanted to get her into a care home from hospital, but whilst she would agree when I was there, as soon as I returned home she said she wanted to go home. I lived 300 miles away at the time and was up and down the country, but couldn't be there full time. The hospital staff said that she was ready to be discharged and I had to organise things for her. I made the challenge that I had POA (both types), but they said that they had had someone from social services to assess her and that she had capacity and it was her choice what happened - it was bollox and I told the Social Worker that had done the assessment that it was bollox.
At that point, I just walked away - I reiterated what I thought should happen, explained that I was happy to arrange getting her into a care home, but if they insisted on returning her to her house, I would have nothing to do with it as I considered it too dangerous. I walked out of the hospital and started to make my way back home. 30 mins later they called me to say that on reflection, they were now happy to go with my plan and that she could move to the care home in the next 2 days once the appropriate equipment had been installed.
It was a combination of fear of litigation, lack of resources and good old fashioned incompetence/lack of training that lead to the situation.
TLDR - Be strong and don't be afraid to question decisions if you don't agree with them.