[Closed] Anyone had kids and hasn't seriously considered splitting up with their partner?

I had a kid and we were divorced before he was 2.  Luckily we had an amicable split, I had him a few days a week, paid maintenance etc,

We both moved on and remarried.  I have now been married for 20 years and over that time have spent very few minutes on wishing I was single so I would say if that if you are thinking about it a lot then it is not typical.

I have the odd rant when I think to myself that things were much simpler before marriage & kids, what the hell am I doing etc. but that's the exception rather than the rule when we've had a really bad day, or I'm stressed and unable to get things done, ride the bike etc.

But, as for it being more than a passing thought - nope, never.
I've been with my Wife for 16yrs - married for 5 and we have an almost 3yr old daughter.

If you are thinking about it more often than not, I'd say that something probably has to change.

Nope it was always Us vs The Kids.

Id agree with the above re: if it’s any more than a passing thought it’s probably time to have a good think about it.

‘Staying together for the kids’ is no good for any of the people involved in this family.

Do you know why you are unhappy?

If you are pissed off and grumpy for some.other reasons then this will harm your relationship but splitting up won't help either.

Figure out what's actually wrong first. A difficult.life can poison a good relationship.

now, obviously everyone is different

but it's the kids. They stop you doing what you want. They stop you having one-to-one time with your other half. You're tired. But I bet you wouldn't change them for anything; it's just being a parent. And learn to count to ten.

Your kids need a lot of attention still. It does get easier as they get older (well, not easier, but the problems become more manageable., Or you get used to them!)

my kids are older. Even now, i can guarantee as soon as I try to speak to my wife, one of them will interrupt and ask the most banal question. I now spend my time driving round to football/rugby/friends. Night time cycles have become de rigeur. There is a reason blokes potter in the garden by themselves.

It is a cliche, but make time for each other. Go out independently once a week. Go out together once a week. It costs more in babysitting, but it's still cheaper than a divorce

My mum and dad stayed together for years ‘for the kids’ and it was miserable. Both my brother and I agree things would have been much better if they’d split up. The arguments, the atmosphere, them taking it out on us. If it’s not right, it’s not right.

f you are pissed off and grumpy for <span class="skimlinks-unlinked">some.other</span> reasons then this will harm your relationship but splitting up won’t help either.

Figure out what’s actually wrong first. A <span class="skimlinks-unlinked">difficult.life</span> can poison a good relationship.

^This is good advice.

You are going through what is likely to be the most highly-pressured stage of any marriage. While it's not ideal to have the experience you describe, and shouldn't just be left to fester, it's not completely out of the ordinary.

My Mrs has endured me and the offspring for the last 21 years and I do resolve to try and make her life a bit easier! So I've decided to treat her to a chippy tea this Friday.

Throw three elderly parents into the mix to look after and things get a lot more complicated!

The muffin household is a festering pit of pent-up anger and stress at the minute.

Aye, try and sort it.

I can honestly say in 17 years of marriage, I have never once contemplated not being with my wife. Unfortunately, we had a situation a while back, a combination of my wife reaching an age where she was thinking about the future a bit more, which coincided with me being a selfish cock.

It was a horrible time for both of us, but we managed to get through it, just, and to be perfectly honest, it's the best thing that ever happened. I needed it, I really did. It took quite a while to work trough, but it's great now.

I really don't know how I'd have coped if the other outcome had happened....

Best of luck BW.

When it's like the OP describes, it all too often leads to one or the other having an affair. Then the breakup can be bloody horrible. I hope for your sake it doesn't go this way.

Man, I tell you, it's the hardest thing in the world to break up the family unit. But as almost half of marriages end in divorce, I guess it's a good percentage of families breaking up in that stat. People cope, kids cope. I'd say try hard to put it right, or do something to take your mind off splitting up.

And don't do marriage guidance if you can help it. That can churn up more shit than you ever knew was there, lurking under the surface... (Maybe that's good at the end of the day, maybe not..!)

How's your sleeping? Is baby keeping you up? Stressed at work?

just wait until both your kids have flown the nest, 27 and 21.

and you and your mrs find you no longer have anything in come, and spend hours sat in silence.

thinking to your self, how do I get out of this private hell now.....................  ;o)

Mate, I understand how you feel completely. I have felt trapped at times. Family life is intense. My time is no longer my own. My wife and I have been close to splitting up.

Talk. Take advice. Consider marriage counseling. Be honest. Decide what's wrong. Decide what you want. Write your thoughts down. Be honest. It's not easy.

I've decided to change careers to give me less stress and more time. I've also started to address my mental health. They were linked. I feel happier about things despite the instability. Let's face it though, the rat race sucks.

So I’ve decided to treat her to a chippy tea this Friday.

Give us a tenner and I'll popo down to the chip shop for you 🙂

https://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/fish-and-chip-scam/

Got two kids and haven't ever though about leaving Mrs Natrix, we have a blast. Rather than thinking of the kids as stopping us from doing things, we think of all the things they enable us to do.

Sounds like something needs to change OP. We have two kids (aged 4 and 10 month). The first was really ill for the first year and a bit and that placed a huge strain on our relationship, but we came out stronger.

Thr second was unplanned, but is bloody brilliant. The happiest, calmest baby I’ve ever known. I really don’t like my job and we have bugger all money due to only me working. All this creates a bit of stress and tension, but it’s all worth it and I love my wife.

Do you both get time to yourselves? Time alone with the kids? Time together? It’s hard work, but it comes down to the simple question, do you think the relationship is worth fighting for?

Best of luck OP.

I’ve heard it said a few times that when you have kids, you basically hate your partner until the kids start school. That obviously doesn’t apply to everyone but it seems to me that bring up babies and toddlers can be seriously stressful - it’s no surprise it puts pressure on relationships.

I’m trying to figure out if everyone feels this way or just some of us.  We have two kids, 2 and 5, and the only reason we’re still together is because of the them.  Not so much because we want to do what’s best for the kids or anything like that, more because it would be so complicated untangling the family

My word that sounds horrific.

Do you KNOW that's how your partner feels?

What's changed? It seems safe to assume that when you were a single child family you were happy enough to want another, and yet 2 years later your relationship has deteriorated to the point that you're in some terrible mutual hostage situation, but your only barrier to escape is 'being arsed'.

Frankly, you sound depressed and worn out to me, I've been there, I've been SO certain that I'm in a terrible trap of a family and I've told myself that as soon as my youngest started school I was going to leave (she starts tomorrow actually, no plans to pack bags yet) it wasn't 'real' it was the reaction to feeling completely drained and scared a lot of the time, I didn't want to leave because I hated my Wife, I wanted to run away from the worry of it all.

IF, you really hate your home life and your partner feels the same, then for the sake of your kids, find a way to split whilst you can still be civil, do it now before the bitterness grows and it becomes another hellish break-up, but raising young kids is brutally hard in every way, accept this and you might be able to rescue your relationship knowing things will get easier.

TBH, life has been pretty unstable for the past few years.  First, we come from different countries (Scotland and Italy) and we live in a third country (Norway).  I used to work offshore which was putting a lot of strain on things to the point where we decided it couldn't go on.  The decision was taken out of our hands when I got laid off along with half the industry.

So I was unemployed for two years and then decided to go back to university since it seems like if you want to get a job in Norway you have to have a Masters.  That was a shit show from the start.  I'm not sure if I'm just not smart enough or it it was too much trying to do it with a young family but I was always going to fail, even if my upper back didn't start giving me problems to the point I couldn't type or write.

That led to lots of stress about what to do next.  No more unemployment benefit and  seemingly no better job prospects.  Luckily, activity picked up and suddenly about 20 jobs that I was qualified for came up in the space of a few months.  I had a few interviews where I didn't get offered the job.  That freaked me out since for the last 10 years I've had 100% record of being offered the job if I got the interview.

Thankfully I got offered a job that, if I had the choice, I would have picked regardless.  The problem is it's in a different city.

It's similar to an offshore schedule though so at least I can spend time at home.  Not as much as if I was actually working offshore so in a way it's going to be harder than last time.  Saying that, we learned our lessons from last time round so we're trying to fly relatives over when I'm away, hiring cleaners, etc.

I just finished my first rotation and I'm back home now.  I thought having a break from each other would improve matters.  It was OK for the first few days but now we're straight back into the old patterns.

Did I mention I have Borderline Personality Disorder?

I was only recently diagnosed, having been mis-diagnosed as Bipolar about 8 years ago. It really doesn't make me easy to live with.  I am trying to get help with it, though.

Thinking about it, we've had very little certainty since our first was born.  My girlfriend is now trying to find a job in the same town I'm in.  Hopefully I'll be able to get out of shift work and into a regular office type job.  With two of us in stable jobs living a 'normal' lifestyle I think things will be easier.

A bit of a ramble but there you go.  Probably I just had to vent.  Seems like I've got way too much shit to sort out before I can say for sure we should split up.

I’ve heard it said a few times that when you have kids, you basically hate your partner until the kids start school.

That's deffo my experience and the experience of my peers with young kids. Kids wreck your life, suck it up and get on with it. ....and my kids are way above average ace-ness, so christ knows how people with average kids cope! 🙂

It sounds like you have had a heck of a lot on your plate, a lot more than most parents with young kids have to deal with. Which could make your question about the 'normality' of your feelings a bit of a moot point. While that doesn't mean that things will magically recover, it could be that you need some extra help and advice before you make any more life-changing decisions.

Take it easy.

Sounds like you just have an awful lot going on and that is bound to impact on your relationships.  Only you can decide if it is worth sticking at it, but jacking in your relationship, especially with young kids involved may just make life more, rather than less complicated...

My first wife left when our daughter was 2. I am now re married and we have a 5 year old together.

When kids enter a relationship things change, forever. You no longer have "spare" time, you and your partner will probably feel unloved, un appreciated, and ignored as you both turn your focus from each other to the new born. Where it was once just the two of you, there is now a third person in the relationship, that takes all of your time, focus and love.

As with everything in a relationship you need to be honest, brutally so if need be. Sometimes just saying the words as opposed to thinking them is enough for a switch to click somewhere.

When my daughter was born it was a rough ride and after about a year I was feeling the same way. We went to counselling and it was the best thing we could have done as we became fully open and honest with each other which let us move on and sort ourselves out. I know it's not a silver bullet but definitely something you should at least consider.

 I’ve heard it said a few times that when you have kids, you basically hate your partner until the kids start school.

As always - this might represent the view of some folk but not all. Certainly not my experience.

As for what happens when they grow up - my Mrs and I are doing more together now than ever as we have more shared time together.

Totally agree Colin, not my experience at all either, both Mrs Nobeer and I loved the toddler days, and as you say, as the wee one gets older, we are doing much more together. We both love days in the hills, and latterly have discovered a bit of a passion for running, especially together.

Regardless of reasons you are not alone.

Molgrips though makes a really good point ...

but also before our modern age lot's of people were together for the kids and on the whole things weren't too/that bad.  There is a massive difference between not wanting to be together and hating being together.

Working offshore is another dimension, I know lots of people who's relationships were kinda held together BY working rotation.

Thinking about it, we’ve had very little certainty since our first was born.  My girlfriend is now trying to find a job in the same town I’m in.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get out of shift work and into a regular office type job.  With two of us in stable jobs living a ‘normal’ lifestyle I think things will be easier.

A bit of a ramble but there you go.  Probably I just had to vent.  Seems like I’ve got way too much shit to sort out before I can say for sure we should split up.

Well, either way you are making decisions based on a stable backdrop...

Where were the kids born ?  and how does that affect you in terms of uncertainty?  If you did split up would she move back to Italy or you move back to Scotland?  (Abz is hardly buzzing)

Once the ratio of break up vs stay together tips over 50% surely you have to have a think.

Kids amplify things but on the whole its often worth having a long hard look at yourself before appending blame elsewhere. We've been together 27 years, married 14, 3 kids starting 12 years ago, and I often don't get to do what I want when I want but in the round I would not be without any of them, so I take the 'less optimal' times with the good 🙂

Once the ratio of break up vs stay together tips over 50% surely you have to have a think.

Sorta, though I'd say some of those that break up end up happy and other's don't.

Quite a few I imagine to go through the whole circle again... and perhaps again?

It's just a perspective but I think in some ways we have developed expectations that can be unrealistic and perhaps in some way's the pressure in the past of staying together actually gave some the opportunity to work things out and grow closer over time.

Again only a perspective but from a situation very close to BruceWee's... (same industry, expatriation etc.) but my observations are that many of the seemingly ideal madly in love couples never lasted whilst those who had a much less dependent relationship did?

Working offshore and/or in another country and different cultures can all put a bit of a strain ... not to mention losing jobs and instability... but if most relationships lose some excitement over time (that gets replaced with stability or something) then the whole rotation and ex-pat thing is just more so...

but also before our modern age lot’s of people were together for the kids and on the whole things weren’t too/that bad.  There is a massive difference between not wanting to be together and hating being together.

This. There are also arranged marriages in other cultures. In fact isn't that what marriage is, an agreement to stay together even when it's no longer as much fun as it used to be? Otherwise how is marriage different to any other relationship?

Obviously if there's rowing going on then maybe it's best to split up but if the kids are in a happy stable place then staying together has a vast amount going for it.

I was in this situation for about 5 years. And like you always thought it would be difficult to unravel and thought lots about the impact on my kids.

Every day I’d go to work with this cloud above me pondering what to do and it had an impact on my mental health.Thing is my wife was thinking the same. Things came to a crunch and we went our separate ways.

We are both with new partners, me with mine for over 5 years now and I couldn’t be happier and importantly my kids are happy too.

And don’t think things are too difficult to unravel . Yes finances are tight for a while and I’ve downsized but what price your happiness?

Seriously considered it? No can't say I have. My marriage is far from perfect, we have a few things in common but not loads but we're both understanding and patient with each other. Not sure having kids has put that much pressure on our relationship if anything it's made stronger

I think for some couples having children changes their life so much that their relationship isn't one they enjoy anymore.

However, if it was having children that ruined their lives they will still have the children if they split up. The only time they could have their old life would be when the other one was looking after the children, just like while they were married. Though you could enjoy yourself with your new partner.

That is assuming that it is the children that are the cause of the friction and not the adults. If you want to split and you are brave enough, do it. Though as was said above, isn't marriage an agreement to stay together? If people still died at 40, or whenever, none of this would be questioned.

to answer the op, Yes!

Admittedly we havent actually got married yet but our kid is almost 8 been together 15 years not considered splitting. Both of us grew up in single parent families for differing reasons which makes us both very keen to have different for our boy but this sort  brings us together than causes pressure.

I think our situation will be a bit more difficult to unravel than most.  Like I said earlier, we're both from different countries, living in a third country.  If we were to split then we might all stay in the third country, but then again we might not.  If one or both of us wants to move back home I have no idea how that would be resolved with regards custody.  I think whoever didn't get the kids would have to accept they are going to play no significant part in the children's upbringing.

See, this is the kind of thing the brexiteers should be concentrating on.  If we make it more difficult to move around Europe then multi-national relationships like this wouldn't crop up because we'd all marry people who live at the end of our street and the public shame of divorce would mean no one ever splits up.

Quick, someone put that on the side of a bus.

Never.  But I think I am unusual in that.  We’ve had some tough times and we do argue occasionally as most couples do.  However, I can safely say I never have wanted to do that journey with anyone else.

Just on the borderline personality disorder thing -

I have a friend who was diagnosed with the same thing after a long, rough time (also misdiagnosed bipolar). It gets better, once you have meds that work you will find yourself feeling much better and able to deal with shit. TBH it sounds like you need to wait till then to figure stuff out but again, I'd be talking to your partner so she's at least aware you're unhappy.

There was just the two of us for the first 15 years before the kids arrived , now we have 2 (13 & 7) . I'd be lying if I said it's all been plain sailing as it's been really hard at times but not once have I thought about leaving . The teenage years started in March and they've been an eye opener and my 7 year old has a form of epilepsy and sensory issues , but I luv em all to bits and can't imagine what life would be like if I couldn't see them every day.

I’ve heard it said a few times that when you have kids, you basically hate your partner until the kids start school.

I've never heard that before. I had nothing but admiration for my Mrs watching her cope with it all and do an amazing job of it. I suppose there are times when you are envious of the attention but that's just a case of having a proper word with yourself. Only thing I was jealous of was the time she had off work 🙂

Been together 26 years and she's always been at the  centre of every good thing in my life (apart from the adrenalin sports I enjoy). We've a 20 year old who has also only really been a source of joy. Just been really lucky I guess rather than doing anything particularly to bring that about.