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I should start by saying I love my wife and we have a great relationship but there are times when I just wished she enjoyed the same things as me.
My main loves are music, camping, festivals, exploring, adventures, sports activities etc whilst my wife is far more of quiet, homely type. She will on occasions join me for a couple of camping trips and hikes. I'll also occasionally get her to a music festival or a gig. But even then I sense she is just coming along because she knows I'd prefer the company - never really feel that she is properly enjoying it.
It means that I end up going to a fair few things alone, which I don't mind but it is always nicer to share the experience with people.
I know that I shouldn't complain as she is great and we have a lovely family and life together but it would just be nice if we could share more experiences together. That's especially true given that in a few years we will be retired and I know that I want to spend time away having adventures.
Ironically, most my mates are also not into the same outdoor type things (other than football, exercise and drinking) so not really a substitute.
Just interested to know if others are in the same boat and how you feel/deal with it.
and before someone else says it.....no I dont think she'd be interested in new hobbies like cocaine and hookers 😮
my wife is far more of quiet, homely type.
so what are her hobbies? even if that is reading a book or watching TV - she's doing something with any spare time she has... why don't you want to share her hobbies?
I have the opposite problem... my other half seems to think it's essential that I see gardening as something other than a painful chore. Both like mountain biking, music, beer, food and all the other great stuff... but gardening just won't click or me... I just get grumpy wasting nice weather doing it.
and before someone else says it.....no I dont think she'd be interested in new hobbies like cocaine and hookers
You don't know until you ask! how about dogging?
Seriously though have you tried asking her if there anything she has never done before that she wants to try?
Me and my other half dont really have any hobbies in common but we found out we both enjoy going to London to watch TV shows like Mock the Week, The Last Leg, Graham Norton etc... being filmed (tickets are free) and spending the day wondering around the nicer parts of West London, having lunch on the Thames and enjoy watching the world go by
Can you tweak the hobby a bit to make it more couple friendly? Not sure what the wife doesn't like but can it be made better from her perspective? Maybe a nice camper van, or on the glamping site. Do some different activities whilst there, let her chill with a book while you go to see a particular act? Same for the adventure/hiking thing. Go and stay in a nice hotel, go out in the morning on your own for something adventurous, something less adventurous together in the afternoon. That works ok for us, except I get back, tell the wife what I've done and she says aw, I would've liked that!
On the gardening thing mentioned, I'm really not into the planting bit but happy to dig holes, do landscaping, build sheds, etc. Means we get to spend time together both enjoying it.
Yeah, my partner is into allotment twiddling, yoga and dance, none of which I particularly enjoy.
I seem more and more to be doing anything I do on my own these days. 😐
Sometimes I wish my better half would do the odd little bit of cycling, while she is even more anxious about the local traffic at home than me, I'm still trying to get her to agree to a hire ebike again at Longleat Center Parcs like she last did in '19 iirc... But this time head off campus with me to ride through Longleat Estate and #103 Park Hill, Red Way and down by Shearwater Lake etc.
Timely post, something I'm wrestling with a bit at the moment, as youngest flies the nest to university in September and it will just be the two of us again for the first time in over 20 years.
Our interests have changed over that time. We both do far more separately now, as one of us always needed to be around for the kids. We've also made our own friendship groups that we have made doing our own thing.
We're making a bit more of an effort to do things together now, a bit more walking, going to comedy gigs. Hopefully we will find enough to do together while still having our freedom.
We both do far more separately now, as one of us always needed to be around for the kids.
same here, having kids really does change things, my eldest is about to head off to univ. so we'll just have one teen in the house, for while yet.
before kids we used to do a lot of overseas and domestic travelling together before and after we got married, but that became less easy with young children, yet my work required me to travel (especially before the pandemic, less so since), so I would have trips but these mainly on my own.
I am hoping we can get travelling again as we used to together, with my daughter too, as she also loves to be on the move.
neither daughter nor wife are fussed about bikes, so that'll probably continue to be me, either going off on my own or with my son when he's free from his studies, but I am easy either way.
Handy thing about getting divorced and looking for someone you really get on with and enjoys the same things. Splitting up was the most painful thing imaginable at the time, but now, it was the best thing that could've happened to me! Recommended!!🤣
Handy thing about getting divorced and looking for someone you really get on with and enjoys the same things. Splitting up was the most painful thing imaginable at the time, but now, it was the best thing that could've happened to me! Recommended!!🤣
A surprising number of of our friends have taken that option in the last few years. Doesn't seem very cost effective
Depends on the importance you put on money, I guess.
She will on occasions join me for a couple of camping trips and hikes.
I'd say you're doing quite well then! My missis tried camping twice, one night each time in the first couple of years of our relationship. Hell will freeze over before she goes again. 🥶
I think it would be kind of boring if your partner liked all the same things as you. MrsJ has no interest in cycling, coke or hookers. I have no interest in yoga, interior design, or the milkman. But since hobbies don’t take up much time we still have lots of chance to be together. One thing I do miss is camping, which back problems have ruled out for her.
In politics and love, the answer is always to try and find the common ground.
We both have our own interests, but also share interests that we have developed and enjoyed together over the years. So we do stuff that would never have been on the radar before we met, and really enjoy it .
But I know several couples who have separate pastimes and even holidays to pursue them.
If you're happy, that's all that matters
Should that have judged this prior to getting married
Should that have judged this prior to getting married
Been happily married for 29 years so think we’re ok with the decision made 😉
What we did was find a middle ground where we could. Outdoors stuff we both loved but I prefered to cycle she preferred to walk. So we got a tandem and alternated walking and cycling trips
The tandem meant she was not struggling to keep up when cycling.
Discussion and compromise and doing your own thing some of the time is what worked for us
Careful what you wish for, I have to fettle all her bikes as well as mine and my son's also invariably she asks me to check something on her bike 20mins before she's heading out for a club ride and her bike needs new brake pads or a cable change which I need to do in record time and should have all the parts for waiting...
last day of the 'camping trip' is at a hotel with a nice restaurant 🙂
Christ no, my wife can't even ride a bike, and TBH that's perfect. there's no pressure for her to come cycling with me, I don't have to mitigate where or how I ride, and we have time for both us to enjoy what we do. her - whatever it is she does for a the couple of hours on a Sunday (generally) while I'm throwing myself to the ground. We spend time together doing things we both enjoy, and truthfully, I would love to share some of the places I ride, I know she'd love the views and the open space, but if she ever actually announced that she wanted to learn to ride a bike, a bit of me would die.
Not really a problem. I suppose with a fresh relationship it might introduce some tension in the balance of seeing each other and doing your individual ‘things’.
We have enough common interests to share.
Our different interests provide the opportunity to meet friends in different circles and enjoy the activities.
Should that have judged this prior to getting married
People change over time though. Requires communication and compromise
We are the same, but always have been. At the start we did the long distance thing during the week and spent weekends together. This went on for 18 months before she moved here. Even after that we had our own interests and hobbies. Obviously we did stuff together but it was always normal for one of us being away without the other. After 14 years together we had our son and I think our time alone is more important than ever.
Well I did introduce my wife to mountain biking years ago... and we rode together a bit. But now, rarely. She is at the sharp end, winning things. I ride a bit for fun but I am very slow by comparison. That's fine though. I am still climbing and she is less so. But it's all a balance/compromise. We all can't be good at everything at the same time + jobs + family etc. Just got to muddle through and keep the balance somehow.
It's a compromise. My wife is into sewing/quilting etc, and it doesn't half make a mess of the house (fabric everywhere), but I can go out on the bike instead. She'll do a bit of cycling if we are away. She enjoys camping because I make sure it's near one of her hobbies - wild swimming - off to Llyn Tegid (Bala) camping for 5 nights. Gone electric hookup for a bit of 'warmth' after she gets out the cold Lake. I've bought a paddle board and a Kayak so we can do stuff together (rank amateur),
I'm taking the CX bike for a bit of exploring, and she is actually taking one of her sewing machines. One advantage of doing this, and taking her to various swimming sots, is she realises how 'cycling' is to me and I won't give it up, despite some very serious injuries in the last 10 years (broken spine and ribs, then recently extensively fractured pelvis). Her 'swimming' friends fortunately understand it - 'it's like us being told we can't swim anymore'. So there is a positive, despite my family and other relatives, including some work colleagues asking if I'm giving it up.
It's about balance - try something 'half way'.
A surprising number of of our friends have taken that option in the last few years. Doesn't seem very cost effective
You might end up with more dash than cash though 😉
She'll do a bit of cycling if we are away. She enjoys camping because I make sure it's near one of her hobbies - wild swimming - off to Llyn Tegid (Bala) camping for 5 nights. Gone electric hookup for a bit of 'warmth' after she gets out the cold Lake.
This sounds quite similar to my GF and I, except I've somehow ended up dipping my toe into the wild swimming a little bit myself.
Taking the leccy blanket camping is an inspired idea!
My ex and I shared a big hobby (which she had been a part of for a loooong time and I was just starting in) and that meant she understood why I wanted to do it a lot. The trouble was that she was in a team and competing nationally/internationally and that meant her activity was limited to team training and not actually jumping for fun. In the 8 years we were together and I had my license, I think I managed a total of five skydives with her. She was, or at least seemed, happier doing DIY and gardening when she was not team training. We still did some stuff together, cycling and walks, but she was always more into skiing than me.
Anyway, enough regret.
Separate hobbies are vital for a good relationship IMO.
As long as there is some common ground you don't (and shouldn't) live in one another's pockets.
Some shared, some not. It's a nice mix of our time.
For instance, we both run, though at different levels. However, we discuss running and do some training together.
I cycle, my wife doesn't. That gives me lots of "me" time and she has an interest in what I'm riding/where I'm going so there's a lot of chat about that.
I "dip" into wild swimming occasionally, she's in a local loch 3 or 4 times every week.
We're both into hillwalking too.
No, not at all people enjoy different things and allows us to enjoy ourselves.
I agree that it's important for everyone to have some individual time/ activities. At the same time, given the tight limitations of free time/holiday etc, to both go somewhere and share the activity is great too. In your teens/20s/30s/whatever when you and your partner got together, what shared activities (other than the obvious) were you doing together? Must have been something and to keep that going through life and then hopefully ramp it back up again in retirement would be great.
My mrs is into sewing big time. I quite like discussing designs and driving around, sometimes going abroad, in pursuit of fabric. She likes to hear about my cycling. She watches the telly, I don't. We enjoy each other's company so almost everything else is done together, a joy.
No shared interests and no real frustration either. I ran and occasionally cycle, she's a gym bunny. As long as the others hobby doesn't have to much impact on home life then both of us are happy enough.
We both value time alone, so I'm not sure she would be happy if I went to the gym with her, and I know I'm happy she doesn't run with me.
Works for us.
Yes and no. It frustrates me as I'm generally quite outdoorsy/proactive and see a day lounging about the house watching crap telly as a waste but she'll happily do that on a weekend. I'd like us to get to more gigs together too but she struggles with crowds (especially since covid)
On the flip side I get time/lots of freedom to ride and time apart is good for a relationship but would love to get her involved more.
Separate hobbies are vital for a good relationship IMO.
As long as there is some common ground...
This.
Or this can happen 😊
Or this can happen
The urge to merge.
Yes.......
Our trouble is that like Kelvin some 'hobbies' merge into 'chores' and that is a recipe for resentment.
To her gardening and DIY are hobbies and time spent together. To me they're chores, and time spent together. I can't convince her that ultimately to me it's like spending the day doing the washing up together, doing the gardening or painting doesn't tick off the 'need to switch off and do something other than work for a few hours" part for me.
She also only works part time, which means she has plenty of time off for hobbies and relaxing. I get my weekend. If she asks me to fix her car, do some DIY, do some heavy lifting in the garden etc on Saturday, then that means that by Sunday I'm going to want to get in at least one decent ride that week and will be out for a few hours, which then becomes "you never want to spend time with me", no you just wasted my limited free time with you having me move 2 tonnes of soil from one end of the garden to the other, i would much rather have gone out 😂
I'm slowly trying to teach her that she can either have the house and garden out of a glossy magazine, but we'll never have time for dates. Or she has to work 5 days not 3 to pay for trades. Or we can spend more time together doing actual fun things, but the project house she convinced me to buy will never be done 😂 all 3 can't happen.
I think it would be kind of boring if your partner liked all the same things as you
I must be bored a lot of the time without realising.
Walking, especially long-distance multi-week we both love.
MTB, roadies and touring we both do, I clean and maintain. The roadie club is the only club we aren't both in.
Horses we both do, she cleans and maintains.
X-C skiing we both enjoy, ski touring we both do but she leaves me to the silly stuff.
Dancing we enjoyed till the group fell apart.
We swim, but there's no communication as it's hard to communicate when swimming. I'm not sure why we do it for the coldest months of the year (outdoor pool), we motivate each other in that neither of us is prepared to chicken out and we feel better when it's done.
Music she's not interested in, she won't sing and finds my guitars irritating. I play acoustic and sing at the end of the garden and electric with headphones. When I was in a band she didn't think much of the dope and drink fueled music scene, she was right, I don't do drink or dope so didn't really fit in either.
Gardening, she promised to do the garden when we bought a house with a garden bigger than I wanted, guess who does most of the gardening.
She quite likes cinema, I don't. She used to go with junior but hasn't been since Covid.
We do other things together too.
She teaches three and a half days a week and gets French holidays. I do the other stuff that needs doing while she's out, that leaves us quite a lot of time together. It'll be interesting to see how we handle her retirement next year.
I've seen this the other way around - a couple where one party adopts the hobbies of the other then gets a proper grump on if they are not included in the other partner's plans.
2 examples - one was biking where the wife wanted to come on every bike activity the husband wanted to do. But for the husband part of the benefit of his bike trips was some time either alone or with his friends away from his wife. She got her alone/friends time with her other hobbies and could not see she was cramping his.
2nd was where the husband was a very good swimmer but the wife got interested too. Only snag was she was a lot slower and not very confident so all his swims turned into chaperone trips at a fraction the level of exercise he had previously enjoyed.
Count your chickens - having your hobbies left as YOUR hobbies has it's up sides.
Be careful what you wish for, your hobby is your garden shed
I hate gardening because our house butts up to the forest and it mostly consists of beating nature back, so I do all that I can to leave that to the boss where possible. Dogs and kids are our shared hobbies!
I think the Mrs and I have it about perfect. She got to sit about in the sunshine while me and the middle one raced BMX down at Crewe the other weekend, then i spent this weekend stood behind a horsebox waving my arms when instructed, trying not to get kicked in the face.
We did do a family lap of llandegla on Sunday and it became apparent that she's now slower than our 10 year old, not surprising really considering how much he's pedaling at the moment.
Like TJ, my wife hated cycling until we bought a tandem. This meant she didn't have to worry about not being able to keep up/ making me slow down.
We still ride the tandem, and she now has an eBike for much the same reasons.
We both enjoy travelling and gardening, so with the cycling imbalance sorted we have a happy life.
Interesting point - I wonder whether ebikes have saved or broken more marriages by letting couples spend more time together?
We go in from the shared side I got her cycling now 3/1 to mrs g bike ratio canoeing/ paddling similar but 4/2 totally refused the Landy defender ‘hobby ‘so 0/0 both near retirement so some careful planning needed to stay on track🥰
40 years together this year. Mrs IRC doesn't go bike touring or hillwalking and I don't do ballet or knitting. We both like going to the odd gig, cooking, our dogs, a pint or two in the pub etc.
Works for us.
I wonder whether ebikes have saved or broken more marriages by letting couples spend more time together?
My partner bought one so we could ride together, she used to ride loads, but not offroad. I do wonder when the day will come when she tells me off for leaving her behind on a descent 😀 Hasn't yet though!