[Closed] Any tips on forgiving and moving forwards.

Wow, feels better just getting it out of my head.

Wow, feels better just getting it out of my head.

good

This is whats known as an emotional affair

IMO ( and this will sound harsh) its a symptom ie it only happens because of things going wrong in your relationship. she was getting something there that she wasn't getting from you

to me she has stepped up to the brink but stepped back again

Open honest communication between the two of you and some counselling will help

its not irrevocable at this point. the actions of both of you from now on will tell whether it becomes an irrevocable issue

first question - do you both want to save the relationship? ( not do you think you can but do you want to) If both want to then its a question of breaking things down into small steps and taking each of those steps

Recreate some fun in the relationship. Be open and honest. remeber what brought you together

i am rather black and white on these issues and if it had been physical then its over for me. But this? salvegable

I have no advice to offer - but I think I would feel very similarly to you.

I guess I would need to weigh up whether what I had going for that relationship was enough to commit to going forward together…

I would suggest that you evaluate that and probably don’t ignore the fact that you have a shared history together - including children.

What I can advise is that rushing into any decision might be unwise, because for food or bad - there are a lot of peoples lives that will be affected.

TJ’s advice in these kind of things is good!

That is rotten, but, I err on the side of forgiving - I think many of us, if we're honest with ourselves, have perhaps had a cheeky flirt with someone while in a relationship. Messaging apps unfortunately both make it easier, and record it all for posterity

She explained it had gotten out of hand and was a just a bit of fun between them and she was going to put a stop to it (well you would say that wouldn’t you). She also said it was kind of a relief that she’d been caught and put an end to it!

I don't know you and I don't know your wife but that sounds perfectly believable to me.

A bit of innocent flirting which possibly went a little further than originally intended. Not really a terrible thing.

I’m guessing this whole situation has been exacerbated by my mental health issues and blown it out of proportion but its still eating away at me

Don't be hard on yourself but that is probably the root problem. Perhaps you could benefit from talking therapy or both of you from Relate counseling.

As above, TJs advice is exactly what I'd say, but he says it better than I would have.

I would reiterate the counselling - being guided through by someone who is external to your relationship can be a huge help - inside is really not the easiest place to see all this from, so an objective input is only likely to help you (both - go together, not just on your own, although I'd also recommend counselling for you, too!)

Good luck!

Horrible situation to be in. Been there, or what I thought was there - the full truth came out eventually - and beyond.

Whatever happens I echo what has been said already, you both need to talk and work out if there is something you want to save. This has to be fully transparent and open.
If there is any resentment for actions done so far, it can be very difficult to move past. I know this from experience. I also don't think it's as simple as forgive and forget, that doesn't fix and prevent anything happening again. If the relationship goes back to the way it was before, who's to say it won't happen again.

Work together to find out why she was acting that way. You should understand that and accept that, acceptance is key I believe, not forgiveness. That way you can move on to fixing and preventing anything from happening again.

It's not an easy process but if you both want things to work then it's necessary.

As others have said, you (both) need to really think about whether you actually want to be together and stull love each other. Total honesty. If you both want to keep going then you need to ask her what she has been missing and try to put that back. you never know it might help your mental help as you may have been missing things you didn;t really think about.

Recent times have been shit, and its very easy to neglect people that are closest to you just because you are with them constantly.

Be honest with each other and get stuck in to getting the lost bits back.

and good luck, I would be devestated as well.

Kinda with Ernie on this.

She was flirting with someone else but, as hard as this may be to accept, it was "only" flirting. Nothing happened. It's easy to see how someone paying her attention might be exciting for a little while, it doesn't mean they were planning on running off into the sunset together.

If you're insecure in your relationship, that's between you and her to resolve. Blaming a couple of sexts is misdirection. If your relationship is strong then a bit of flirting should be an irrelevance.

I have to ask though, how did you 'discover' it?

There's a saying.."when you point the finger at somebody first turn it around and point 3 back at yourself' not to blame but to seize the opportunity to reflect before we go off the deep end and thus hopefully realise we all have our imperfections. This is then a good starting point to then open up an honest conversation and move the process of healing and coming back together forward. As much as the pain is real in this moment it will pass - Buddists talk about the truth of impermanence - all that is subject to rising is subject to ceasing. My suggestion would be don't let the suffering of resentment get in the way of what can be a new horizon - each new day can bring a new joy - good luck 🙏

Motivation, self-worth, etc. That's a separate problem. It's great that you've sought help, and from your description an SSRI is likely exactly what you need. Some sort of counselling or therapy might help also - I don't mean for couples, I mean for you. Meds + CBT is a killer combo.

Plus, I know it's hard, but fix some of this shit. You don't have many friends, spend some time with the ones you do. You don't have any time because you're self-employed, bullshit you don't, that's just an excuse, make some time.

As an ex once said to me before she was an ex, "if you fall over you're no help to anyone else." You have to look after number one before you can worry about anyone else.

She was the one that screwed up and I believe that the majority of reconciliation lies with her - she needs to prove to you that it was a silly mistake and that she loves you – you need to be able to listen and believe her, but she needs to regain your trust. After all it is you that is the injured party here.

forgiving is easier said than actually done.

i have a mate that cheated 20 years ago, was found out, and realised he'd had made a terrible error. they decided to stay together. he's spent the last 20 years being continually reminded of the fact, every time he does anything, or says anything out of line, he has this thrown back in his face... its always in the background.

forgiving needs to be fully worked through, why it happened and what it means. was it boredom, or evidence of it is not ultimately meant to be, or just a blip? it's also perhaps an opportunity for you to talk about how you feel as well in general and really clear the air.

once you know everything, you can at least be clear about how you feel about the whole thing and act accordingly...

Another way of mentally approaching this is to think 'what would I do to reconcile things if I had been caught out doing a similar thing'? If she isn't doing something similar to try to salvage the relationship then I'd be starting to question the long-term viability of it.

IMO ( and this will sound harsh) its a symptom ie it only happens because of things going wrong in your relationship. she was getting something there that she wasn’t getting from you

I agree with this. Similar happened with my ex-wife and we moved on, but I was far, far too slow to realise that it was an early-ish symptom of her unhappiness in our relationship.

She was the one that screwed up and I believe that the majority of reconciliation lies with her – she needs to prove to you that it was a silly mistake and that she loves you – you need to be able to listen and believe her, but she needs to regain your trust. After all it is you that is the injured party here.

I don't agree with this, it's too black and white a view. It's the relationship that's injured, not any single party in it, and as my old man once said "relationships fail from both ends"

Thank you all for your input its appreciated. I know I'm partly to blame in this whole situation and we are making time to be with each other, doing fun things like we used to but things are different between us.
The constant work load of her working 3 or 4, 12hr shifts a week and me fitting in my work around hers, the kids, housework etc etc has left us burnt out and taking each other for granted and feeling unappreciated. I know I've been difficult to live with in the past and I am now paying for weekly counselling, which I'm hoping will help.
We've discussed the issue a few times and both agree we want to save the relationship, but I have days where its really hard to think of anything else.
Re discovering the flirting, a message popped up on her garmin watch whilst I was replacing the screen protector for her.

I don’t agree with this, it’s too black and white a view. It’s the relationship that’s injured, not any single party in it, and as my old man once said “relationships fail from both ends”

I don't agree with you either - it was her that was sexting. But yes, I am a black and white sort of person and I certainly wouldn't blame myself if I found my partner had done similar.

I think it's right to expect that most of the heavy lifting to repair the relationship should come from your partner. But if you know that your own behavior was contributing to what she did, then any attempts at reconciliation will be scuppered from the start if you don't address these as well.

The only advice I would contribute is; Be kind to her and yourself. We're all humans and we all screw up. There's little mileage to be gained IMO to constantly refer to it, to constantly blame her, or to dwell on it. It's done, there's nothing you can do to change that, and constantly picking at it in your head won't change that it happened. She's told you that it's finished, take her at her word and do what you can to repair the relationship and move on.

I certainly wouldn’t blame myself if I found my partner had done similar.

Its not a question of "blame" - thats unhealthy. its a question of understanding why and what to do to avoid that happening again

sounds to me like the OP is taking the right steps.

I’m guessing this whole situation has been exacerbated by my mental health issues and blown it out of proportion but its still eating away at me

Hey hope this comes across correctly .... you maybe need to forgive yourself, before you can forgive the wife.

The covid situation over the last 18 months has been rubbish in so many ways .... You aren't the only couple feeling the strain, there are load of us out there.

Good luck

Thank you nickc and tj, that's what I needed to hear.

She’s told you that it’s finished, take her at her word and do what you can to repair the relationship and move on

And hope that it is actually finished. My personal experience of forgiving and moving on was that she was seeing someone else 2 years later.

Its not a question of “blame” – thats unhealthy. its a question of understanding why and what to do to avoid that happening again

That's a very idealistic way of looking at it and I admire anyone who could take such an approach to infidelity from a partner of more than 20 years – I know I couldn't be that person after the trust has been taken away from a relationship because of something the partner had done.

The only advice I would contribute is; Be kind to her and yourself

plus one million.  Life is hard and last year was especially hard.

The constant work load of her working 3 or 4, 12hr shifts a week and me fitting in my work around hers, the kids, housework etc etc has left us burnt out and taking each other for granted and feeling unappreciated.

Sadly, this is simply "life."

I said before, take time for yourself, and I stand by that first and foremost. But take time for "us" as well.

Go out on a date. Have a pizza & movie night. Play a board game. **** each others' brains out. Go for a walk somewhere green. Do something.

You got together for a reason, take some time to remind each other why. I don't buy the "we're both too busy" argument, that's just a bollocks excuse, make time. Schedule superhappyfuntimes in a shared Google Calendar if you have to.

Johndoh - thats the attitude that got me and my partner thru 42 years together - even after a 2 year separation 30 years ago

It takes goodwill, compromise and taking the blame out of things

I was enormously hurt by the separation - her call but on hindsight partly my fault. But goodwill, compromise and not blaming anyone gave us another good 30 years together.

Its tough - but its the only way I know

After that separation yes we didn't speak for 18 months or so - but then slowly put it together including "dating" again

Johndoh – thats the attitude that got me and my partner thru 42 years together – even after a 2 year separation 30 years ago

It takes goodwill, compromise and taking the blame out of things

I was enormously hurt by the separation – her call but on hindsight partly my fault. But goodwill, compromise and not blaming anyone gave us another good 30 years together.

Its tough – but its the only way I know

After that separation yes we didn’t speak for 18 months or so – but then slowly put it together including “dating” again

Very interesting that you say that as my wife and I had a separation of a similar length of time (albeit before we married, but we were still very much in a long term relationship at that point). When she told me she wanted us to separate (there was no incident - she just told me she no longer wanted to be with me) my attitude was 'good luck, I am not here to make you be with someone you don't want to be with' and I moved on - naturally I was sad (devastated TBF). We still saw each other occasionally and remained friends but I never pushed her for more as I respected what she wanted. Eventually she reached back out to me (NYE in Year 2000 just after midnight FWIW) and we got back together and have been together ever since.

Again, I am no relationship counselor.

About ten years ago I had a mate at our cricket club who found out that his (recently married) wife had been having an affair prior to and after their wedding. As a sage 33 year old (he was around 24 at the time) the one thing I said to him that he maybe hadn't heard before was (as above):

Even if you can make things work, do you both want to? Someone has posted that above, but as I said to him, can you guarantee that, mid-barney, in the future, you wouldn't bring this affair up?

In your case, OP, it seems that nothing physical has gone on. Now that is not necessarily the dividing line of what is forgivable, but it is probably at the better end of the spectrum.

I guess you have to work out if you are OK with the situation and always will be.

Good luck.