You don't need to be an 'investor' to invest in Singletrack: 6 days left: 95% of target - Find out more
Hi all, looking for some advice.
.
About six years ago, I was given custody of my son after the social services and subsequently the judge, deemed his mother not fit to care for him, he was two years old. I had not been in a relationship with his mother since she was pregnant with him.
His three siblings were also removed from his mother and placed in to care.
His mother was a neglectful and sometimes abusive parent who's actions were reported to the social services on several occasions. His mother was someone who made friends very easily and would leave her children with people she hardly knew while she did things like escorting work.
On sex sites, she openly invited strange men to her house where her children were present.
A psychological assessment concluded that my son's mother had a personality disorder and she was unlikely to change, even if undergoing therapy.
Since then, until recently, my son's mother has had contact once per week, for two hours, supervised by myself.
I, along with my parents have provided my son with a decent upbringing since the early court order. My parents have had to put their retirement on hold to care for him whilst I had to work. They have also played a massive part in his education. I couldn't have done it without them.
Earlier this summer, my son's mother applied to the court for more contact including unsupervised contact and overnight stays.
During the last four or five years, she has taken part in therapy and passed a few parenting courses.
Recently, the social services and the judge have deemed these qualifications good enough for her to have the contact which she has asked for and concluded that she is a changed person. I however, know that she is the same person.
Since my son has had more contact with his mother, he has become more cheeky and argumentative.
A couple of weeks ago, my parents were taking my son to get some new school shoes and when my father asked him to get in his booster seat, my son started shouting at my father in the street, saying that he didn't need a booster seat. My son heard this off his mother when she took him somewhere in a friends car without one.
Whilst my father was being shouted at by my son, he momentarily lost his temper and brushed my son's chin with his finger. Although the contact was only very slight, my son lost his balance and fell over, grazing his elbow.
On the day this happened, I dropped my son off with his mother and I went away for the weekend.
When I returned, I had the social services and the police at my door, making enquiries as to the cause of my son's 'injury' after my son's mother had reported it to them. They then went to see my father and although the police decided they were no longer going to pursue the investigation, the social worker said she needs to do a further assessment which she hopes to conclude quickly, however, she has now taken annual leave so the matter is still unresolved and my son isn't allowed to stay at my parents house without me there.
About a month ago, my son's mother asked of it would be ok for her to go on holiday to Poland at the beginning of September, I assumed that this would be ok as my parents hadn't made any plans and they would have been able to look after my son whilst I was working. Recent events have obviously changed this and my parents will no longer be able to do this.
I have told my son's mother that she will no longer be able to go to Poland as I have no alternative carers.
She has told me that she will be going on holiday, she will leave my son with her partner and as she has parental responsibility, she can leave my son with whoever she likes.
I have told her that this is unacceptable and that she does not have my consent to leave my son with a third party.
There is nothing on the court order that says her partner can look after my son whilst she goes on holiday.
I have concerns that this is not good for my son who needs routine.
Can she do this? Looking for sensible replies.
Thanks.
Sounds awful, but seriously get proper legal advice, like you I would be very unhappy if my child was left with someone I did not know and who had no responsibility for him.
Get proper legal advice, it may be that you might have to take the hit though as I would be surprised if you can stop her taking holiday
It seems unlikely you can stop her trusting another person with your child's care during the times she has responsibility for them, unless you have specific concerns about the person being entrusted. Ordinarily mutual consent is not required. A specialist equipped with all the fine details may be able to advise otherwise. Social work may intervene if they had concerns about the suitability of the partner for that task.
Does it not dilute your (future) argument that she is unsuitable, for you to turn to her when the situation suits you?
What is the basis of the order that your son does not stay at your parents house without you? i.e. is that enforceable? of course ignoring SS may not be the wisest move to getting them onside. Is it also as simple as not to "stay at" your parents house without you? I would read that as meaning overnight? does that help? or can they stay at yours?
I'd suggest that failing to resolve SS concern about your parents quickly is unreasonable and someone going on holiday should not be able to get in the way of your child's normal childcare arrangements - so I'd be expecting SS to sort this out this week. Since you presumably believe this will exonerate your father this would be the obvious win-win. SW's are mostly human beings - so explaining the practical problems it causes (no need to volunteer that your ex has a "solution") should get them to engage brain (or at the worst clarify they think the matter so severe that you have bigger issues).
FWIW whilst your ex may be part of the change in attitude - so is growing up and plenty of kids argue about all sorts without having an obvious reason. Whilst a screwed up parent isn't necessarily a brilliant thing for your son to endure becoming a pawn in bitter dispute is probably even worse. If your ex was ill, in custody, or otherwise unavailable what would you do to care for your son when your parents are unavailable?
Obviously proper legal advice from a family law specialist is essential. But, in the meantime, you might find it useful to post on the Legal Matters forum on Mumsnet.
SS may well be concerned that you are all minimising this incident:
"Whilst my father was being shouted at by my son, he momentarily lost his temper and brushed my son’s chin with his finger. Although the contact was only very slight, my son lost his balance and fell over, grazing his elbow."
Anyway, best of luck with getting it sorted. You and your parents have clearly done a good job so far, with bringing up your little boy.
All sounds terrible but your description of what happened between your Dad and you Son is odd. Momentarily losing temper and brushing a chin with a finger are not really compatible statements. I'm not criticizing your Dad, we all get cross with kids and most of us have probably overstepped the line but best you (both) are completely honest about what happens, otherwise you risk sounding like you don't accept what he has done.
In most families incidents like you describe are not a big deal, they are part of life. You however are, unfortunately, wrapped up in a world of Social Work, which means that extra layer of scrutiny and judgement. Egg shells all round.
Speak to SW and ask their advice, don't just assume that they are the baddies looking to take kids away, let them hear your voice and your very reasonable, parental concerns. If your SW is away ask for Duty worker or Team Leader. Then, if still necessary, get legal advice. It may be that they allow your parents to look after him so long as your mum is around the whole time.
This probably isn't the case but ... well better safe than sorry.
Are you 100% certain she won't try and take the child away... (does she have a passport for him)
If she did then it would/could be a very long process to apply in Poland to get the UK SS ruling and of course in the meantime the longer it takes the more weighting they can use about the child's welfare. (He's learning Polish, he is is settled in school etc.)
This is what was told to me by a family practice specialist ... so I'm, passing it on even if that's alarmist.
A prohibited steps order may be what you need, a call to social services to discuss this is pretty much essential (did you tell them about the booster seat?).
You might need to plan around taking the time off work.
This probably isn’t the case but … well better safe than sorry.
Are you 100% certain she won’t try and take the child away… (does she have a passport for him)
No, she doesn't have his passport, she isn't intending to take him with her. The whole point of this is that she's booked a holiday on the assumption that I will sort out the childcare whilst she is away. This wouldn't have been a problem had she not made the phonecall to the SS which I think was malicious,(it wouldn't be the first time).
My parents would have been able to look after my son whilst I was at work, now they can't.
I cannot take time off work and I do not think that she should be able to leave my son with a third party.
Surely my son's welfare and my contract of employment are more important than her holiday.
No sensible advice to add, just that I feel for you. Dealing with social services and having your child's welfare at stake can't be easy. Hope you get things sorted.
Will your son not be at school? Could you arrange wrap around care, nursery or childminder to help out whilst you are at work? Obviously more difficult if you work shifts, might be difficult to arrange for short term only and certainly an expense but perhaps an option all the same.
Momentarily losing temper and brushing a chin with a finger are not really compatible statements. I’m not criticizing your Dad, we all get cross with kids and most of us have probably overstepped the line but best you (both) are completely honest about what happens, otherwise you risk sounding like you don’t accept what he has done.
My son is very honest and so is my father, both their statements tallied up, that's why the police didn't pursue the matter.
Will your son not be at school? Could you arrange wrap around care, nursery or childminder to help out whilst you are at work? Obviously more difficult if you work shifts, might be difficult to arrange for short term only and certainly an expense but perhaps an option all the same.
The days the my son's mother is intending to leave him with her partner are Friday to Monday, he also has a dental appointment on the Friday after school. I could try and arrange childcare but this would be undoubtedly at my own expense which I can't afford.
I cannot take time off work and I do not think that she should be able to leave my son with a third party.
Surely my son’s welfare and my contract of employment are more important than her holiday.
The unexpected availability of suitable childcare sounds like a classic case where parental leave would apply.
Either as “unpaid parental leave” giving your employer 21 days notice - https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/notice-period
or
If you have plans in place that collapse at the last minute emergency leave for dependants https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants
whilst employers understandably don’t like those, and they would be unpaid very few people would genuinely find themselves in a position where they could be legitimately fired for using those rights. Social Workers and Judges know about these laws so will struggle to find your argument that she must cancel her holiday (which you agreed to) as credible when there are potentially multiple options available:
- your mother cares for him on her own at your house
- you take time off (as above)
- your ex organises childcare with a person she trusts
- you organise childcare with a person you trust.
it could just as easily be that 5 minutes after she got on the plane one of your parents was taken ill - and you would have had to find a solution. I understand why you are pissed off, especially if you believe she called SW maliciously (having never met the woman I could give her the benefit of the doubt and say in a difficult situation she is covering her own arse in case you should accuse her of being to blame for the injury), but just because people are difficult doesn’t mean you need to play the same game back.
No, she doesn’t have his passport, she isn’t intending to take him with her. The whole point of this is that she’s booked a holiday on the assumption that I will sort out the childcare whilst she is away. This wouldn’t have been a problem had she not made the phonecall to the SS which I think was malicious,(it wouldn’t be the first time).
My parents would have been able to look after my son whilst I was at work, now they can’t.
I cannot take time off work and I do not think that she should be able to leave my son with a third party.
Surely my son’s welfare and my contract of employment are more important than her holiday.
Well the whole lot from her perspective is it's your problem not hers.
This wouldn’t have been a problem had she not made the phonecall to the SS which I think was malicious,(it wouldn’t be the first time).
Most likely it was malicious not part of some more devious scheme.
I'd be asking why she's cutting off her nose to spite her face... of course some people are just like that.
– your mother cares for him on her own at your house
This seems the logical solution to me.
I've no reason to doubt your story* but how on earth does one lose one's temper and then go "right, that's it, I'm going to brush your chin with my finger"? Was he pointing and got too close or something? That's a weird turn of phrase.
* - I can see how these things can escalate quickly. Anecdotally, a friend of mine was in a similar situation a few years back. One of his daughters was a bit of a tomboy, forever dangling from climbing frames and the like. School noticed she had bruises on her arms, asked her why and she said "daddy hit me." (It was true as far as it went, he'd given her a light slap on the back of her leg a few days ago.) The entire world went DEFCON 1. Police, teachers, social services, not allowed into his own home etc etc. It all blew over in the end, but they really don't screw about with stuff like this.
School noticed she had bruises on her arms
My nine year old is constantly covered in bruises from playing football, falling out of trees, fighting with his brother and generally being a wee tadger.
It's a miracle that Social Services havent kicked my door in by now.