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Anyone had any experience of the above?
I'm had GAD all my life, but in the last 5 years it's gotten worse. I've completed a CBT course and some stress management courses, and thought I had a grip on it, but recent events have made me realise I don't.
I fear I'm going to lose my Wife if I don't do something about it, which is probably/possibly the Anxiety talking, but I can't help but think we're moving apart, or at least she's moving away from me. Sometimes I'm so irritable she feels like she's walking on egg shells all the time and when I think back about some darker times when I felt justifiably angry with her, in hindsight, I shouldn't have been. We don't argue much, but in the last few months all I seem to get from her is vague responses, we used to make big plans for the future, but now if I mention something further off than a few days, it's almost like it's painful for her to think that far ahead. I've tried talking to her, but she's by her nature coy and non-committal. I can't seem to work out what is anxiety / paranoia and what is real relationship problems caused by my Anxiety.
I think it's caused by my job, I spend hours, days, weeks sometimes sat on my own, I'm in an office full of people but we're all socially distanced behind closed doors, I might as well be the only one in the building, sometimes I am. Frankly I've not much to do, I'm okay if I stay busy, but too much time to myself and I get paranoid and it just grows and grows.
At home we have the evenings to ourselves, but she mostly uses her phone and social media, it's hard to have a conversation sometimes. I'm often surrounded by people, but lonely.
I've found myself becoming possessive, my Wife and I used to be able to track each other using Find My Friend, she has a risky-ish job in the Community so it's good to know if she's in a patients house somewhere, I do a bit of Solo riding. We've had this for years until about a month ago, she called me in work saying he had to work late unexpectedly and asked if I could pick up our Daughter from after-school club. I was surprised, she doesn't do that sort of thing, so I checked her location, she wasn't in work, so I left it, checked again 15 mins later, still not in work, she's in a part of town she usually hangs out in between patients, or when our daughter is in Gym, there's a couple of coffee shops there. My Anxiety went into over-load and I'm checking every few mins, still nothing. Finally she got home 90 mins later than she said she was planning to.
I waited a few days to calm down and asked her if she'd really been to work that evening, and I wouldn't be upset if she hadn't and just wanted to go for coffee after work, she gave me a few more details, they'd worked late and then the boss had treated them to a coffee and a cake, but not actually where the FMF said she was. I know it's not the most accurate thing in the world, but I know enough to know it's not going to be miles out.
A few days later, I was out on my bike, she asked when I'd be home, I told her, I got home washed my bike, and got a notification "Wife will be notified when you leave [your address]". Which is odd, anxiety off again, so I checked where she was, she's back exactly where she was when she was working late. I panic, drove down there, found her car, but not her, walked around the local shops, coffee places, couldn't find her, when I returned back, she was leaving in her car, she looked panicked when she saw me. Back we met up a few mins later and she seemed fine.
She then claimed it was broken for a few days before finally saying she'd turned it off, because she didn't want it getting her into trouble, and would not be putting it back on. It broke my heart, because it felt a tiny part of us died, and my brain will only let me believe two possible outcomes, either I've become "that man" or she's got something to hide.
This started a real downward spiral for me, I've honestly can't separate the paranoia from reality.
Over the last year she's lost a lot of weight, she looks fantastic, with this new found confidence has some a lot more social media interaction and lots of selfies, and lots of 'likes' from people I don't know, one guy in particular, I don't know him, I've never heard mention of him, he doesn't seem to know anyone else my Wife knows and he's doesn't 'like' any of the pictures of the kids or anything else, but he never misses a selfie. I want to ask her who he is, but I'm already feeling massively possessive and I'm scared of her reaction. Conversely with my job going to crap and taking my self esteem with it, coupled with the fact I'm not exactly a 'looker' over-weight and older than her. I'm taking steps to lose weight, taking more care of my appearance etc, but it's not helped at yet.
She's changed from going our with friends every few months to multiple times a month. She's dressing for work like she's going out for the evening, she guards her phone with her life.
I find myself goggling "Signs my wife is cheating" a lot and it's making all sorts of alarm bells ring. I can't tell if I've driven her away and it's all over, bar the shouting, separation and messy divorce, or I'm just being paranoid and I'll make that happen, or frankly if I'm just having a bad patch and things are that serious. I honest don't know, can't trust my thoughts or instincts anymore.
I've just realised I've started on point and spilled my guts all over the page.
If anyone has taken meds for Anxiety, please let me know, good bad or indifferent.
I'd be inclined to say "I know I've been challenging lately and things haven't been great. I want to make this work and fix the relationship. Shall we schedule couples counseling?" At least that will give you a little idea if she wants to work at it.
Regards to the anxiety meds I can't help. But I am witnessing Mrs. 10 have a similar outcome to you (but for different reasons), and she's waiting on an appointment for the Doc to get some meds. She's worried that she's pushing me away in this, and that I want to leave her. But that's not the case at all. Not saying this is how it is for you, but I agree that the anxiety can make things confusing.
This is a horrible experience and I really feel for you but TBH all the checking up on her doesn't sound very healthy. It sounds like you know in your heart of hearts something is going on and you need to try and confront her about it as calmly as you can manage.
Also, you must really try not to beat yourself up or blame yourself entirely for the issues you're having - it's never that simple.
All in my very humble opinion obviously but you can't carry on being paranoid/suspicious like this it will eat away at you. I believe low level doses of Sertraline (I'm on a high dose) can be effective for anxiety but IANAD - that should be your first port of call really. Reducing your anxiety might help make things easier to tackle but you can't medicate these issues away (as I'm sure you know but sometimes it's worth reminding yourself).
Sounds like you've worked hard to manage without meds but it's not working right now. Discuss your options with your GP. Meds could help you to think more clearly without your mind running out of control, which is obviously utterly exhausting. Unfortunately they can make you feel worse before you feel better so you may have to weather the storm for a few weeks. Personally I've found sertraline to have helped with my anxiety. I was very reluctant to try meds but don't regret it as I'm much better on them.
Sounds like a tough situation, I hope things improve.
TBH anxiety seems like a totally proportional response to the last year. Anxiety's a total bastard tbh, on paper it never sounded as bad as depression but it's definitely the worse of the two, for me at least. At least depression just makes me more depressed, anxiety can make me anxious AND depressed.
I resisted medication for years, wish I hadn't now. Not that it works for everyone but CBT/mindfulness doesn't work for me at all, it makes me worse. Citalopram was pretty effective for me for a long time, probably better against the depression than the anxiety but helped both, but it lost efficiency a bit over time. Amitryptyline made me slow and stupid, didn't want to be like that. On a low dose of sertraline now, and was recommended l-typtophan by my doctor, it's not prescription and buying medication always feels sketchy but I've found it very useful as a spot treatment for attacks of higher anxiety, more stressful situations etc. Different medication works for different people, and it definitely can make you worse- sometimes "worse before you get better", sometimes just worse. By definition it messes with your head.
I am totally not the person to talk about the relationship side. Got to tell her at least that you're struggling though, if you've not already.
Your anxiety will not pass until you have a chat with her. Write down what you want to say so you don't get muddled. Schedule a time when your daughter is out with her.
Keep positive, state that you are sure it's paranoia, however be prepared for the worst.
Only once you start moving forward can things improve, but it may be a bifurcation point in you life so prepare your self one way or the other.
Think you really need to sit down with her and have a proper chat.
I dont think you'll feel any better until you do.
There's a lot of useful comments on the sacking off sertraline thread. Medication can be very helpful. Hope things go well for you.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to read all that.
Yesterday was a really bad day for me, I was in a state of panic from around 10am to 6pm, including when I typed all that out.
It's not as bad as I've made it seem at home. We've chatted some more and I've decided I'll speak to the GP about meds. I don't like the idea of them, but it seems better than not now.
I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm pretty embarrassed about spilling so much about my private life, but just because I think I need to add balance, my Wife's opinion about the whole thing is that it's probably not healthy for me/us that we know where each other is, every second of every day, if I'm going to freak out every time she isn't exactly where I think she should be, and worse, not say anything for a few days, waiting until my imagination has spun into overdrive and make it all seem much worse. A quick straw poll amongst our friends suggests no one else has this arrangement and none of them want it either, even without one partner becoming possessive.
I could blame my past in credit underwriting and fraud prevent and my current study in Cyber Security for making me doubt and question what anyone says, and worse 'investigating' them moves and motives. It's really not healthy, but I can learn a lot about a person by cross referencing their SM and other stuff in the same way someone running a phishing scam would.
With a clearer head and actually speaking to my wife, I don't think she's "up to something", if anything living with me has made her want to be more secretive. Can you imagine having your every move tracked by GPS, your every purchase reviewed, your every SM post scoured for clues and everyone who you interact with SM checked out, on every platform?
If I'm going to trust her, I have to trust her, it can't be "trust as long as you can prove it", and if, it turns out that trust was misplaced, then I'll have to deal with that then.
Give the SSRI's a try.
We wary side effects can be a bit nasty for a while - I'm on a super low dose to stop me getting riled - lots of stuff going on with lockdown, and son isn't helping - he's lost two jobs by not getting up, stays up all night. sleeps all day, and by his sheer stupidity has cost us a lot of money - accidentally broken my property (through stupidity), killed a load of plants and the lawn by spilling automotive chemicals in the back garden etc, dropped the oil contents of a gearbox on my drive (not cleaned up) - latest is it looks like I'll have to dig up parts of my driveway as he spilled a shed load of petrol on it, never cleaned it, so I get back from holiday to discover two large patches of melting driveway - I haven't flown off the handle though with the meds.
Also delete the trackers from both phones - not healthy. We don't have that. Just a text, I'll be late, heading 'here' etc. I text if I'm running late from a ride - I give an arrival time of around 30 minutes leeway - my wife has reason to worry as I've been badly injured in the past by drivers.
I have recently (in the last 6 months) started taking a low dose of Fluoxetine. (Its is a SSRI.)
I spoke to my Dr after struggling with anxiety, and a small amount of depression for as long as I can remember. Only now, after taking the medication, do I look back and realize how bad I was.
I unfortioenalty left this to late, and its ultimately cost me my marriage.
The drug did take a while to take proper effect (about 4-6weeks), but I feel 100 times better.
I would encourage you to chat to your Dr ASAP!!!!!
Good Luck!!!!
Glad you've had a chat and its positive.
Stop the stalker stuff.
Get to the doctors. Start the SSRIs. It will be 2 weeks of hell and then you will be a changed man.
Forget any notion of a stigma or that you will on them for life.
You will only regret not starting them sooner.
Start taking your wife out for drinks, join her with friends, enjoy life again.
If they don't work keep going back to the doc and try different ones. They mostly will work, if they don't then they will be well placed to help you before you destroy your marriage.