[Closed] Anxiety in relationship

Have you cheated or been cheated on in past relationships ?

What exactly are you anxious about?

That’s the thing. I really don’t know. She’s out with people I get on with, she’s safe with them, I trust her yet I’m absolutely killing myself worrying over nothing at all. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m hoping someone’s experienced similar.

Yes I’ve been cheated on in the past.

I’m hoping someone’s experienced similar.

Everyone gets anxious, it's a human response to potential/perceived threat. What are the thoughts you have? You keep stating that you trust her, rather than that you fear she'll get run over by a bus, so is it safe to say that is at the root of the anxiety? What do you trust her to do?

Is the (understandable) uneasiness caused by a new relationship acting as a catalyst for anxiety over another issue?

If you can't see forward look sideways.

Good point.

Maybe I’m not used to being with someone who goes out round town and I know what lads are like and I trust she’ll be faithful when there will be advances?

I really don’t know.

Catastrophic thinking?

Just been diagnosed myself.  She’ll be fine.  Imagine how happy you’ll be when you see her next time. Hold that thought in your head.

new relationship, so you’ll be doing a lot of shagging, so not to put too fine a point on it when did you last get a full nights sleep?

It’s normal to feel some kind of anxiety in a new relationship, you’ve stated that you trust her, so go home in the morning give her a good pumping before she goes to work, neck a can of lager and get some sleep.

youll feel better after the sleep.

I’ll do some reading into that mate.

But that suits, a text, phone call or as soon as I see her it all goes away immediately.

Stay away from alcohol , ring a friend - a proper friend tell them where you're at mentally .

See tonight there’s nothing I fancy doing more than going home and having a glass of wine

OP I don’t want this to come out the wrong way but don’t tell  her about these feelings, it will imo come over as a bit heavy.

It seems to me that you are possibly more worried about about it ending in general than anything she may be or not be doing ?

It also seems a good idea to spend some time and money on a bit of 1-1 counselling

best of luck

Can i just point out, i said ‘a can’ not ‘a pack’

It sounds like the anxiety/fear is of loss. If she's with you (on call, in text, in person) she's not with anyone else, at least for a while. To some extent, you have to learn to trust the individual, based on their character and behaviour. In a new relationship, what has happened in old relationships can be seen as foundations for what is likely to happen in the future. How did you deal with the infidelity in your earlier relationship?

Maybe quite a common feeling but heightened in intensity for you personally due to past experience and/or other underlying anxiety issues? Can you voice these feelings to her at a time when you are both happy and relaxed and have all day or weekend together? If too early days to speak to her openly then talk to a good friend but ultimately take a deep breath and keep busy with friends when you're apart. If it's meant to be long term then it will happen but you can't rush it.

Until I moved to Switzerland the girlfriend and I lived in separate countries - the longest time apart... 7 months, with only Skype to make do. Managed this for just over 2.5 years. I wouldn't wish it on anyone...

Ive been cheated on in the past previously by a girl, that taught me that what will be will be, as a result I just enjoy my relationship and time together now more than ever, thankfully now we're together full time I couldn't be happier - my partner has had a bad experience too previously.  We just realise how lucky we are now - and how strong our relationship is.

just try and relax... everything will be fine

<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; background-color: #eeeeee;">But that suits, a text, phone call or as soon as I see her it all goes away immediately.</span>

I remember that feeling.

Anyone know anywhere I could get some free professional advice?

I dunno about free but whoever you see go with your gut when you meet them. I've found that if someone isn't the right one for your needs (understandable and commonly occurs) then you can end up leaving in a worse state than when you went in.

Be prepared for them to say that you should break it off and so also be prepared to state why you don't want to (which it's clear you don't). Ask them to explain their recommendations rather than let them assume you're taking it as gospel.

I wish you and her all the best and I admire you for really wanting to make things better.

Marriage guidance is a charity - you pay what you can IIRC

We’re not married. Does that matter?

Why would you need couples guidance? Is she doing anything that increases your anxiety?

I know if someone told me they were feeling and acting like you I would be out of there, particularly if I didn't think I was displaying any behaviour that should be of concern. Thing is if you actually did trust her 100% that would allay your anxieties, even if you were just transposing some past trauma onto her.

I have no issue with acting in a way to reduce a partners worries, trust is something you have to earn and that's natural. I would be talking to my GP, or even one of the talking mental health helplines about some of the talking therapies, and perhaps look to address your issues quick. So employers have access to confidential counseling for free, and it doesn't have to be work related issues you see them for. I can't help think given how extreme your reactions are to the anxiety, somethings going to crack at some point, so best get it sorted and get on with having a good relationship.

If you see your GP I believe he/she can refer you for counselling where you get 6 sessions free. At least that's what it used to be when my father was a counselor.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/counselling/

Good luck.

Certainly my experience in the past is that a Relate counsellor does not charge, however you are asked to give what you can afford. You do not need to be married or even in a relationship.

They will not tell you what to do. You will make any choices yourself, if indeed there is a choice or decision to be made, but they will help you understand why you feel the way you do and explore any underlying reasons for that, hopefully coming to a conclusion.

You do need to be committed to it, it can be very hard work and emotionally draining. It's possible you could come through it feeling very very different to how you felt at the start. I have been through two periods of counselling with separate counsellors - both have been massively positive, one was life changing.

You should be able to find a local Relate counsellor on tinterweb. The comment above about finding the right person is important, usually after a first session you will chat about whether you want to continue or not. The counsellor won't be upset if you don't want to or don't feel comfortable with them!

Good luck if you go for it.

Wow marriage guidance after a few months. Seriously get a grip pal or she will be running to the hills.

A couple of weeks with my missus would have you begging for a stay at Guantanamo..

Seriously though if he's got a problem that needs sorting then I'm all for him trying to sort it out. We all have different thresholds for these things.

Yeah best to do what you can to get it sorted as if it's your personal problem it won't go away could cause issues for your relationship and even future ones if it carries on.

Oldtalent +1

Have a wa*k or go for a walk. Don't be a dick about it.

How old are you? You sound like either a desperate 40 something or a naive 20 years old.

Why are you so nervous? Smoking too much weed?

I can see Alpin as this generations 'Dear Deidri' 😀

But seriously, you do need to get some help with your issues, unless you can dedicate 24/7 to some serious stalking someone could always cheat on you. But if you wish to work, sleep and have some space of your own, you need to get your head straight. And most of us just have to trust and crack on.

I would second anyone that says don't tell her or try and make this her issue if you want a decent relationship. If you don't think this is something you can sort at this time you need to end it, it's not fair on her, it might not seem it now but your issues are toxic to a healthy relationship unless sorted.