Anxiety - any tips for coping?

You're not alone in suffering from anxiety. It can feel very debilitating and as you're a very rational man (as am I) it can also feel difficult to 'not be in control' of it.
Keep pursuing the counselling. Are you able to pay to go private? That's the route i ended up going.

The other thing is if it gets to the point, go onto the drugs. It been on anti-anxiety meds for two years now, and in combo with the tools i built up from councelling i haven't had an anxiety attack in a good while and feel much better, more like myself again

Disconnect.
Breath. Focus on this moment.
Read some philosophy.

Putting this post up just triggered another attack!  🙂  Again reasonable to be a bit apprehensive of the answers I might get, unreasonable to be in a trembling panic about it  🙂

First of all, sending big love from this direction - both for what you've been through, and for what you're facing. My wife's life has been crippled by anxiety for the best part of 40 years, and it's only a few years ago she managed to start getting a hold on it. There was no quick tip, unfortunately, it took a lot of sessions with a therapist (and it took a while to find the right one for her) before she got the right 'tools' to help her through.
It's a massive over simplification, but one of the things she really suffers with is catastrophisation - her mind conjures up the worst possible thing that could happen, and fixates on it to a point where is the only logical end point to her. One of the ways to deal with this was actually to face that result head on, and atalk about the possible outcomes to try and rationalise how she could deal with them if they actually did happen.
But it was easy more complex than that, though! Tbh I can't recommend a good therapist enough. They may seem expensive, but hers quite literally saved her life.

Acknowledge the feelings, accept them and think about the root cause. I found denying it and trying to "get on with life" made them worse. Spending ten minutes or so to explore the feelings, the trigger and what the actual root cause was tended to be more effective.

And finally:

Do you get these attacks when your mind is occupied by other matters such as that big ride you did last year?

Acknowledge the feelings, accept them and think about the root cause.

Very much this.

The other thing to consider is that what you have been through is an absolute trauma. Do not under estimate the physical and mental strain this has put you through. It will take a long time to process. Accept it and allow yourself to feel shit.

My Mrs went through a similar situation with her mother, 12 weeks from diagnosis to her death. That was 6 years ago and it took her at least 4 years to accept it.

but one of the things she really suffers with is catastrophisation

I am not doing this - there seems to be no reason for it bar a disproportionate response to a stressor.  It does seem like I am building barriers to eating out on my own tho.  There is no " oh no what about this or that"

The other bit of info perhaps is I am doing a lot of lobbying for the assisted dying bill going thru holyrood.  I had a long phone chat with someone making a TV documentary earlier in the week and in 10 days I am making a big set piece speech on it in front of loads of folk.  I don't get the anxiety doing this ( or certainly not disproportionate) tho but it has churned it all up again as I keep on reliving Julies death and have had to write a speech.

Another example of the situations is that I am working hard at maintaining social contact with folk but often have an anxiety attack before meeting them- despite this being supportive old friends

Sorry to read this TJ. You have my deepest sympathy.

Part of my bipolar is severe anxiety. It can be debilitating but can usually be controlled, mainly by prevention and preparation. When I recently started a new job I was terrified. For the last 5 years or more I’ve done a tai chi workout every morning to calm myself and gain control of my body and mind. I do the same just before I do anything that will/could induce anxiety. I haven’t completely eliminated attacks but less than 3 a year (I log them. 13 in 5 years) compared to a few each month previously shows progress.

Do you get these attacks when your mind is occupied by other matters such as that big ride you did last year?

Yes - I could not go to restaurants and a couple of times had full blown panic attacks.  But it wasn't crippling

TJ.. try here:
Mood juice

A good self help guide to identify and 'challenge' your anxiety issues

Best of luck pal

DrP

@tjagain - Anxiety can be triggered by all sorts of things. During my worst period i could stand up in front of 600 people and deliver a presentation with no problem, but i had a crippling panic attack about whether i was wearing the right shoes for my sisters wedding. There are no 'rules' to it. Everyone's experience is different and manifests in a different way

spawn of yorkshire - thats exactly it!  Its effing weird.  I can and indeed am looking forward to this big set piece speech but I cannot go to a restaurant on my own

I suffer from absolutely crippling anxiety attacks. Proper hyperventilating shit. Its horrible. I had a pretty severe one yesterday

I never leave home without these in my bag. I've got a pack in front of me now.

In all honesty, I very rarely use them, but when I do it stabilises things very quickly. Gets me back on an even keel so I can ratioanlise things. Well... as much as I can ever rationalise things. It was never really my strong point

Oh... and I'm sending you a big man-hug Uncle Jezza, because that always helps too

@tjagain - What I will say is that you can and will feel better again. I've done it, plenty of others have as well.

Just a quick question TJ have you always had this or has it developed since your partner died?

I seem to have developed a real "fear" since Carolyn died and several health scares in the last few months have made it worse. One thing I have done that has seemed to help me is make sure all my vitamins/minerals are in good order.

Ta

I want to feel better now!  🙂  Impatient bugger I am

I have used the CBT type techniques to get over much of the trauma ie I no longer have the PTSD type symptoms from looking after her in her final weeks by resetting by saying out loud " I am proud of what I did" and now I do genuinely feel that pride

I just have nothing similar to deal with this anxiety

I do wonder if I am teetering on the edge of depression

DrP - thanks for that.  I'll have a further look at it but much of it seems inappropriate as I am not doing the catastophising.  I have nothing to put inmost of the boxes.

Just a quick question TJ have you always had this or has it developed since your partner died?

Basically since Julie died and which is two years ago but its ramped up over the last couple of months.

Edit - although deadlines like a plane flight have triggered it in the past but to nothing like this extent and I had learnt to cope with that usually by passing responsibility onto someone else.

Hi TJ,
Anxiety is something that I have struggled with for many years. It ended my career in engineering, although it did inspire me to re-train to become an OT (Thought it might help to fix myself). I've managed to control and live with the anxiety with some success over the last five years but getting diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer (last Summer) and the subsequent treatment has brought the anxiety back on.

I too find it difficult to go into restaurants, pubs, cafes on my own. It also means that many of my planned trips are cancelled at the last minute. I feel sick with anxiety if I have to be somewhere at a specific time too. Very restricting!

My tips would be:
1) Try, try, try to not let it stop you doing things. It just makes it harder next time.
2) Go for that meal out. Go somewhere familiar and take a book with you.
3) Try and do things with a mindful approach.
4) Try not to focus on the anxiety. It's so easy to become anxious about becoming anxious.
5) Remember it's OK to be anxious.

Sometimes I have to adopt a "**** you" attitude. I imagine that I am Begbie (Trainspotting). What would he do with anxiety?! This has often helped me get on top of panic attacks when the world has started spinning and I'm going under.

Anyway, I think you have been through a lot and are doing well. Your big trip certainly inspired me. I'm rarely anxious when I'm riding; my sister tells me... "Well, don't stop riding then" 🙂

I worry about worrying when I'm on a flight.
Had loads of hypnotherapy but having a couple of diazepam in my wallet and knowing that I'll be fine because I can take them any time I like is a cheaper and easier!

I can sympathize but can't really help. Mainly, I deal with mine by avoiding the situations causing it. That's one of the reasons I stopped working four years ago. I have the catastrophising kind, though with enough other effects to also make me believe it's (bordering on?) mild depression. If avoidance isn't possible then I tend to over-plan. I'm not sure that's going to aid your restaurant situation, though perhaps trying to find a "logical" reason for your anxiety might gain you an insight?

Disconnect.
Breath. Focus on this moment.
Read some philosophy.

I prefer "Chill Daddio" 😉

That is a very significant trauma you've been through (my condolences for your loss) - it's not surprising that it's left some effects in it's wake.  As with others above, I can offer sympathy but no real advice.

I'm 59 and began to suffer serious anxiety on and off for the first time last year, after a series of unrelated health issues and hospital visits left me battered and bruised, physically and mentally.  Thankfully, as these issues have improved or stabilised so has my anxiety.  As mine was health related, one strategy that really helped me was focussing on being more healthy and getting a little fitter as soon as I was able to after the various ops and procedures.

I had lost a heap of fitness and got breathless very easily during the worst of it and was almost confined to the house.  That was the low point when the anxiety/depression really kicked in, I had some very dark thoughts during the worst of it. I've always been pretty fit and active and suddenly not being so (and worried I might never be so again) really messed with my head.  Having a real concerted effort to eat healthily, cut back on the booze and very gradually increase exercise made a huge difference.  I think it was down to feeling back in control of my body/health to some degree instead of just being a passenger along for a bumpy ride!

I genuinely hope you find some way to manage or improve it, I'm sure the support, advice and shared experiences on here will help.  Good luck 👍

Man, I’ve not really been on here for a few years so I didn’t realise, and am so sorry for you mate. I’m a long term ‘sufferer’ of anxiety and depression but it’s been recently linked to my neurodivergence and I now have diagnoses of autism, ADHD and Mixed Anxiety and Depression.

I too have had a close bereavement in my family, my youngest sister died suddenly last year of maleria, she was living in Sierra Leone. I have been signposted to CRUISE but not done anything yet as I’m still unraveling my feelings about it all, but think I am scared to talk to anyone…

On top of that I ended up getting an MSSA infection and Sepsis last year which warranted the removal of my left femoral head. All things being said, these have added to my lack of capacity to cope with life and the SSRIs I am on just don’t seem enough.

So, my point of all of that rambling, and with the help of some counselling was for me to try and be present, almost acknowledge your feelings. When I feel anxiety, and being overwhelmed I try to remember things that help me to stabilise, such as lying down, breathing, listening to music, crying if needs be, but I struggle to do so…

Ultimately you will know yourself best, what works and what doesn’t work, and that can include stuff that works for other people. Be kind to yourself, there are no ‘shoulds’ in life, do what you can, when you can, and try not to beat yourself up for finding things tough that you didn’t before.

I realise that this is a lot of waffle but I hope it helps, big hugs!

It’s a horrible condition that seems to affect everyone differently. I have a book called Mind over Mood which has some exercise in that helped. I’ve had it over 20 years so is probably old hat by now but whatever works

Hi TJ,

Thought you might find this useful. (If he's good enough for the British Olympic Cycling Team......

tjagain

Again reasonable to be a bit apprehensive of the answers I might get, unreasonable to be in a trembling panic about it

I don't think I suffer from anxiety and if I am honest, struggle to relate to a lot of these anxiety/depression threads on here.
But, looking at your post - I don't think it is unreasonable to be in a trembling panic about the answers you might get. Don't beat yourself up, belittle your emotions or consider these things trivial.

Do you think it would help to take something with you when you do go out into a restaurant? Magazine, or a book? Something that might serve as a distraction/prop/support? Just an idea.
And how about starting off small - go to a cafe, just for a coffee & bit of cake. No expectation to stay, less pressure in that sort of environment. Take a paper, sit by the window & watch the world go by. Free to get up & leave when you want as you don't have to wait for the bill.

Sorry I don't have a proper answer, but that's the sort of thing I could imagine myself doing.

I've been on Citolopram for 5 years now and I know for some it doesn't work but for me it has. Which is weird, because I was on it for 2 years 12 years ago and I swear it did nothing.

I've also had CBT and private counselling.

All those things I can recommend highly - they really helped/are helping.

My biggest issue is catastrophising. It's really tough to beat. There have been times when I seen we've had a handful of membership cancellations and by the end of the day I'm convinced it's all finally crumbling. That's when the CBT helps. I had a minor attack in the bath last week. I looked around the room to find 5 blue things and 3 yellow things - and it helped. Classic CBT. Try to rationalise and if that's not enough, distract.

Those things aside the greatest forward steps I've personally taken is in taking up new hobbies (distractions) that are really hard. I drum everyday. I skateboard twice a week (Which is so amazing and yet so utterly ridiculous for a 51 year old to decide to start doing). I play other musical instruments. All for myself. No bands. Just me in my private space playing and learning. The point is that each of those things I find so hard that they take 100% of my focus and attention while I'm doing them. During this time my brain shuts out all the anxious thoughts because it's either trying to coordinate four limbs on a drum kit or it's trying to survive not falling off a small plank of wood on tiny wheels. This differs from riding a bike for me, which is something that is now so ingrained that when I do it I often don't need to commit 100% of my brain to it and sometimes the anxiety creeps in the gaps. I still love riding but having something else that is much harder to do is the break strategy I need.

None of these things are cures - not even the drugs. They are all strategies and for me a combination of all of them works to help me keep anxiety in check.

I spoke to my wife about the drug and said I wonder if now is time to start thinking about coming off. Her response: "Why do that if it's making you feel better?"

I never leave home without these in my bag. I’ve got a pack in front of me now.

I thought those took a week or so to come into effect, so maybe its just a placebo effect thats working for you.

TJ, my condolences.

I'm know from other posts that it's been a tough couple of years and CBT is a help but it won't get to the root, which is where the talking therapies come in.

If you can afford it go privately through the Counselling Directory or similar. You don't need to be face-to-face with a counsellor, online is perfectly good and you'll avoid Edinburgh prices 🙂
Best wishes

but it’s been recently linked to my neurodivergence and I now have diagnoses of autism, ADHD and Mixed Anxiety and Depression.

Im not officially diagnosed but I clearly have autistic traits and a touch of ADHD  IIRC these often come with anxiety and depression.

And how about starting off small – go to a cafe, just for a coffee & bit of cake. No expectation to stay, less pressure in that sort of environment. Take a paper, sit by the window & watch the world go by. Free to get up & leave when you want as you don’t have to wait for the bill.

Now there is a weird one - I can do that no issue and go every week or two.  I wonder if its because going to a restaurant for a posh meal was something Julie and I enjoyed together and going to the cafe for brunch is something I started for myself to give a new routine / thingy

I don’t think it is unreasonable to be in a trembling panic about the answers you might get. Don’t beat yourself up, belittle your emotions or consider these things trivial.

Its reasonable to be a bit anxious but to be in an almost full blown panic?  disproportinate

Those things aside the greatest forward steps I’ve personally taken is in taking up new hobbies (distractions) that are really hard. I drum everyday. I skateboard twice a week

Hmmm - thats a good idea.  I am not sure taking up skateboarding at 62 is a good idea and I am totally unmusical but perhaps something down those lines would be a help.  Having retired I do have a lot of time onmy hands.

A question to those of you that live with this stuff.  Face the fear ie make a reservation in a restaurant and then I have to go?

Timba - I have had some counselling and am on a waiting list for more.  the CBT techniques are what I have used myself to reset my thinking and its been a huge help  I can't do telephones - never have been happy using them and without face to face its too easy for me tomisread stuff - same as I misread stuff in text debate on here 🙂

Its all perhaps compounded by tthe fact this was my professional world and I was good at working with folk with grief and thus sort of know what to do but I was never good at working with folk with anxiety and depression and don't know what to do.

Hmmm - a lot to unpick here chaps - ta very much.

A question to those of you that live with this stuff. Face the fear ie make a reservation in a restaurant and then I have to go?

In all honesty, no don't do it at the moment. Start doing things that make you feel happy, enjoy yourself and get the serotonin and dopamine up. Don't challenge yourself when you aren't ready for it. It could make things worse.
If going to a cafe works for you, do that. A restaurant is a very different environment and you associate that with Mrs TJ which is why it's probably a trigger for you. Get the help and speak to someone, don't force yourself into something that will make you unhappy.
The restaurants will still be there for when you're ready

+1 on the propanalol for situational anxiety. For that purpose it kicks in from about 20 minutes and calms the body's reaction to the brain wobble. That at least stops both sides bouncing off each other to multiply the problem, there's always a strip in my man bag or washbag.

Bike rides help, we all lived vicariously through you on your big trip, where you can work things through and organise your thoughts, but for this you want the dangerous sort down sketchy slopes and just missing trees where even for a few minutes so everything else but staying upright and avoiding A&E is put out of your head. I guess that's where the skateboarding works for some, and immersive frantic videogames for others.

[Hugs]

TJ - how about you book an expensive restaurant for the both of us? At least that way you'll not be alone. I'll pop along, scoff the food, then bugger off, leaving you there.

When you down this way next?  Got loads to choose from.  How many michelin stars?

I learned to deal with moments of hightened anxiety by taking it as a signal for me to 'do something'. That usually involved one or more of - going for a walk, picking up a guitar if nearby, putting some music on, messaging a friend, making plans, making something nice to eat, etc. just simple easy activities, and usually it releives the anxiety. Before that I would just let the anxious feelings mount up and not really know what to do or know why I was feeling that way... which made me more anxious..

In terms of facing your fears, this is in essence exposure therapy, and used in CBT to help breaks the cycle between thoughts, feelings and behaviour that something terrible is going to happen if you do, or don’t do something.

One thing to bear in mind, is that CBT in its standard form is not suitable for neurodivergents, particularly autistics (I’m not so sure about ADHD) as it endeavours to change the person you intrinsically are.

If we think of anxiety as a stress reflex to either an environment or situation, it’s not unreasonable to imagine that in your case heightened anxiety, perhaps experienced in a different way because of neurodivergence, can be triggered by an activity that you enjoyed with your wife, eating in restaurants.

By simply visiting restaurants, I would suggest that you wouldn’t actually help the underlying anxiety, as this is perhaps linked to you grief, and rightly so. In my experience I think I am going to have to properly go through the grief cycle, to the point where I can be open about my emotions and actually cry.

It might be worth thinking about exploring your neurodivergence further. It may provide an insight into how your anxiety presents and how you can work with your mind and other elements to both manage and release these stress functions, without any societal preconceptions about what we should or shouldn’t think, do or feel…

My journey is fairly well documented here, and after some very successful CBT - initially for fear of flying but then diagnosed as Intorlerance of Uncertainty and Perfectionism couple with a fear of falling. However time / the pandemic has seen me relapse into old habits and I'm now on my 2nd round of CBT based counselling. In a timely manner, I've learned from the second series of sessions two things I'd recommended for TJ

a) Don't self diagnose. The very issues that you could be having e.g. "What ifs" or "Catastrophic thinking" could empower or divert a diagnosis to an incorrect one.

b) Anxiety as we know stems from Fight, freeze or Fight but with exponentially more things for worry potential today than our caveman ancestors. Easy to say yet not to do as above try not to continue to deny the activity - this leads to an overthinking / anxiety spiral / avoidance traits.

I will just add an example to illustrate how. This was asked of me by my councillor. This week I was a Center Parcs with the family. I'd not normally go down the water slides (tubes) because:

i) I can't swim, and would worry what'd happen (intolerance of uncertainty)
ii) I've no idea how fast it is / scared I'd be (intolerance of uncertainty)
iii) I'm worried about looking like an idiot should I panic (what if/perfectionism)
iv) what if I drown / something bad happens (what if / catastrophising).

Now, my councillor encouraged me to try the two easiest slides as a 2-up with the kids with the hook that "the kids will value your shared experience". I didnt research it on YouTube, I walked up with them 5-10 times throughout the day and jumped on the inflatable - it was a barrel of laughs, and I'm still alive!

I decided to push the boat further and do the solo "Twister". Basically from 3 floors up launch yourself down a bobsleigh type enclosed tube with arms across my chest. Again, I just jumped in despite the fact my mind started to race I blocked it out with a "No" and jumped in. Man it was fast! I got scared and out of control half way down but there was nothing I could do, it was so fast I couldn't comprehend the speed the corners were coming at me. But guess what, I exited with a splash to cheers from my family and a feeling of euphoria and have had a very different week with my children as a result.

So basically I wrote that TJ to show you that with the right direction you can overcome theses things but as SoY says take your time and don't overwhelm yourself - that will make it worse. Get the counselling, don't self diagnose and see the CBT tools as a Kitbag of tools - and don't stop using that kitbag. Here's a useful page I refer to often especially the cognitive dissonance list, I use it to identify my behaviour and redirect my thinking:

https://positivepsychology.com/cbt-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-techniques-worksheets/

Oh and by the way however long this takes and which activities you pursue, it's OK to fail, just keep trying you may surprise yourself one day - as I did on the Twister this week.

Best wishes!

I suffer with the same tj, disproportionate response to seemingly minor stimuli.
I’ve found that cbd oil/tablets definitely help, although they do take a while to work

The key thing I've learned with anxiety is that whatever your mind is telling you to do in order to reduce the feeling is usually the opposite of what you need to do in order to deal with it in the longer term. Otherwise it has a tendency to magnify over time.

I've found this book very helpful in understanding why my issues exist and how I can move towards dealing with them.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Panic-Attacks-Workbook-Program-Beating/dp/1569754152/ref=asc_df_1569754152/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310831412334&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13624647863822464881&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006886&hvtargid=pla-432348527906&psc=1&th=1&psc=1&ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=4a7cb38d-6249-43f8-b1c8-7d372d46c490

Don’t self diagnose. The very issues that you could be having e.g. “What ifs” or “Catastrophic thinking” could empower or divert a diagnosis to an incorrect one.

Hmmm - interesting.  I am certainly having an anxiety reaction but I don't have the thoughts of "what if" or "catastrophic thinking" certainly not at a level I am aware of.

Its more that I am just having a disproportionate response to stressors.  An example.  I was going to a pals house a couple of weeks ago.  Good female friend I have known for years, nice supportive friendship.  Its a train ride away.  I go to visit her every couple of weeks and its easy and nice.  A couple of hours before I set off the anxiety creeps in - raised heart rate and butterflies and all that.  Some of this is around deadlines and missing trains but the trains are hourly.  So to reduce this I am a half hour early for the train.  Anxiety reducing.  Get to Waverly its cancelled.  Anxiety rising.  I get told by an employee that actually that train is starting from Haymarket and just to get the next train to haymarket which will get me there with 10 mins to spare to get the train I want.  I do this but anxiety thru the roof  until I am on the right train.  Once ihad checked 23 times that I was on the right train I was fine

all that is worth a little apprehension but not the disproportionate response I got

At no point was I doing the catastrophic thinking and if it had all gone wrong just getting the next train would be fine.  I hadn't even told her what train I was getting.  I wasn't thinking " oh my god I'll miss the train and be late"  No real surface thoughts at all about it.  Just a panic about finding the right train

Does that make sense?

Ta muchly chaps

 but I cannot go to a restaurant on my own

Do you actually want to go to a resto on your own or is it something you feel you have to do or to be able to do?  I find I have troubles when I try to force myself to do things that I don't actually want to but feel I should, so two halves of me are fighting with each other 🙁

Do you actually want to go to a resto on your own or is it something you feel you have to do or to be able to do?

good question.  I missed out on a lot of good food when on my big bike ride because i couldn't do it.  Not really that bothered about going to one locally but I thought I would try going to a familiar restaurant here as the stressors would be lower - no language barrier and familiar environment.

Resto's are funny.  I really don't like being there by myself, I go there to be with people.  So I would really struggle, even on a trip, to go in myself.  It's possible that up until now you just haven't been exposed to that.  A local one would be even tougher as the language barrier sometimes helps (for me anyway) as it helps it seem more remote

A couple of hours before I set off the anxiety creeps in – raised heart rate and butterflies and all that. Some of this is around deadlines and missing trains but the trains are hourly. So to reduce this I am a half hour early for the train. Anxiety reducing. Get to Waverly its cancelled. Anxiety rising. I get told by an employee that actually that train is starting from Haymarket and just to get the next train to haymarket which will get me there with 10 mins to spare to get the train I want. I do this but anxiety thru the roof until I am on the right train. Once ihad checked 23 times that I was on the right train I was fine

all that is worth a little apprehension but not the disproportionate response I got

At no point was I doing the catastrophic thinking and if it had all gone wrong just getting the next train would be fine. I hadn’t even told her what train I was getting. I wasn’t thinking ” oh my god I’ll miss the train and be late” No real surface thoughts at all about it. Just a panic about finding the right train

There is a what if or catastrophe in there somewhere, you just need help trying to find it. Its unlikely you'd be anxious unless you've been triggered by something, which may even be just be an association to the surroundings themselves e.g. I'm my case being in an airport to collect my son made me nervous in Feb, even though I knew I wasn't going to fly.

Good point.

not sure if it is anxiety, or plane old 'cant be dealing with all that shit' that i suffer from.

regarding restaurant situation, i dont go in them unless there is not other option for food on a evening whilst away cycling.
cant deal with the fuss of menu's and of choosing what to have, or getting peoples attention to order, or to order more drinks, or even to get their attention for the bill.
we usually buy picnic type food from supermarkets to carry with us, and eat in the hotel room/hostel on a evening.
or a fish supper or some takeaway if in the UK.

like i said, dont really know if it is anxiety or if i am just a grumpy old **** who only likes company i can choose or know........... ;o)

hope you get is sorted mate. and keep well.

In support of TJ, and facing up to my own anxieties, I decided to walk 6km to a pub for some food. Quite enjoyed the walk but unfortunately, and without any warning, at about 4km I messed my pants. Proper mucas and shitfest in my undies. Bloody radiotherapy has knackered my bowels!
Anyway, I've carried on, got to the pub and cleaned up a bit. Sat here waiting for my food with a bit of anxiety and a very uncomfortable behind.
Leaving my waterproof over trousers on today!

Sorry Stanley but I LOLed

good on you mate.

What I am going to do is not book a restaurant but to aim to go to one midweek - but not beat myself up / push it if I struggle.  I really miss eating out and my pal I had gone with a couple of times has moved out of Edinburgh

Is it worth trying to trick yourself a bit in the restaurant, either by meeting a friend there for a drink and have them promptly leave after one or to arrange dining with them and have them cancel when you get there and sat down, all pre-planned but might change the thought process a bit that you're going there alone? Guess that depends if that would trigger more anxiety or if you'd be okay once you were there looking at a menu.

I like time on my own but a nice restaurant on my own can be okay when I'm away somewhere but no chance I'd do it locally.

CBD oil?

There's been a mention of CBD Oil ^ and diazepam on here. Don't medicate. They temporarily mask the problem they do not solve it at the source and often introduce other issues. I got very reliant on Diazepam and Tamazipam until I was taking potentially deadly combo of both and was still in full on anxiety mode due to the masses of adrenaline going through my body.

Please get the proper guidance and help.

I've not had any prescribed meds the whole time and hope to keep it that way.

Well, I managed to relax a bit and enjoyed my burger. Nice pint of bitter to accompany it too.
Now for the waddle home to a much needed shower 😄

Im all over the place at the moment too. Not sleeping, not eating, surviving on caffeine and a biscuit now and then.
Normally i can side step the awful feelings of trepidation, all im doing is leaving to work in a different shop.
Got recommended an elastic band on the wrist, ypu ping it hard when you start to spiral. Ok, so its not a cure all panacea but it makes you refocus and jolts you back to a better place.
I just have that constant feeling of fear, sickness, anxiety and sheer dread very, very similar to the way you feel just before a funeral, but constantly

@tjagain we've only spoken a couple of times, and some of it was to argue, so I wanted to offer my support and say thank you for posting this.

When stress and loss (although not a partner in my case) has led to anxiety, I've found what helps me is rest, time away from home, talking to friends and family, and group counselling (it's very unburdening to share with a like-minded group, as well as one-one-one with a professional).

Jeepers singletrackmind - that puts mine in perspective.  Hope it gets better.

Ta benos.

2 things from someone with zero medical knowledge, but experiences a bit of anxiety and depression at times.

1. Have you tried cold water swimming / cold showers - this definitely has helped me. I think the theory is that it's a controlled form of stress/anxiety, which leaves your body/mind better equipped to deal with it in real life. Either way, it definitely has a calming effect and leaves me happy.

2. I know a lot of people boycott them, and it isn't fine dining, but have you tried Wetherspoons alone? You can order on the app, no need to talk to anyone and can leave whenever you want without any pressure to stay as there's no courses and payment is upfront. This might act as an easier first step before trying an actual restaurant, as you know you can leave immediately if it becomes a bit much?

TJ - Its really tough and it feels really real.

Had it for years, couldn't eat out etc.

This sounds really easy but actually its really hard at first.
1/ Practice doing what you want to do and balls to the fear and reactions.
2/ Stop believing it, your creating it, that sounds really harsh I know.
3/ You can only think of one thing at a time and that becomes the - Anxiety
So learn to recognise when the thought or feeling is coming and instantly distract
your thinking to something else, notice the view, think about something else.
Do it over and over till it becomes the norm, and the learned responses your are having will subside.
The brain has an horrible way of learning how to react to things.

The book below is what helped me and now I don't really think about it.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thrive-Programme-Rob-Kelly-ebook/dp/B009GI40VW/ref=sr_1_5?crid=1WMCAH9K2821M&keywords=thrive&qid=1681481564&rnid=1642204031&s=books&sprefix=thrive%2Caps%2C116&sr=1-5

Good luck and take care.........

No expert advice, but I can relate to doing things in front of crowds but not the little things comfortably. A colleague recently went on a bit of a mental health journey and talked about it openly a lot. He had the same thing and it's down to having a plan for a period of time. In a presentation you know what you need to cover, in 2 hours at a restaurant there's a lot of unplanned time to just sit there and if you worry (consciously or not) about how you look, or what people think, or what you'll even just do - it's tough. So accept that you'll spend a lot of time on your phone, or reading a book, or just doing nothing. Have a plan for the time, maybe a plan B, plan c, a fall back. And if you need to leave because you're just not enjoying it, that's ok.

The difference of course is that you're used to having someone with you and that time would easily be filled or comfortably passed. Even with a friend, that's not guaranteed like it is with a partner.

My final point is <span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">card shop slogan I saw years ago really helped me:</span>

don't worry what others think of you, they're too busy wondering what you think of them.

Watch your heart beat.
When I suffered many years ago it resulted in very high heat beat and took a while to get back to normal(heartbeat).

I'm so sorry to hear this TJ.

I have the joy of anxiety and depression - they are linked in my case, one triggers the others and the ride begins. You may also have the combination, its not always obvious which is playing up.

Sounds like your triggers and experiences are different to mine, so I won't try and make any specific suggestions.

Best thing I did was go to my GP - I didn't want to go the medication route but it was the best decision in the end. Calmed me down and gave me time and space to get via CBT.

Individual counselling worked better for me than CBT, but it took a few sessions and lots of tears to start to feel I was back in control.

I was fairly honest and open that I was having problems, and was astonished how many friends and colleagues offered support and shared experiences

All the best. Happy to offer an ear if you need it.

It js the fear of the anxiety that keeps it going. You aren’t afraid of the restraunt, you are afraid of having anxiety at the restraunt.

You consciously need to detach from the anxiety, go to the restraunt, maybe have an anxiety attack, and enjoy the food the best tou can. Anxiety feels awful - but all it is is a feeling. You then gradually desensetize from the anxiety. (It’s just hyper elevated at the moment).

If you stop going because of the anxiety - you then end up inadvertently feeding it.

Don’t fight the anxiety, you can’t win that fight, but you can desensitise yourself from it over tine and it will go away itself.

I had very bad anxiety around 7 years ago but it’s all gone now.

I lost 3 family members 3 years in a row, the last person being 16 years ago. The biggest issue for me was I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to feel about it all, how to make any sense of it all. I either felt numb and nothing or I was full of anxiety.

It created a lot of issues and anxiety for me. I had CBT (which helped) and eventually I paid for counselling as the waiting list was too long, the whole talking and saying it all out loud to someone I didn't know helped a lot. I didn't realise how much I had ignored and buried my thoughts and feelings, looking back I spent a lot of the sessions just letting it all out...

During the counselling things got a lot worse before they started to get better, but they did get better. I still have bad times and bad days, just not as often and not as intense.

I started to understand that keeping it all inside was doing nothing good, but talking was doing something a little more positive....talking does help even if you don't want to say all that much....

All the best.

but I cannot go to a restaurant on my own

Nae probs, you an me - Bovine Glasgow, you pick up the tab 😉

I'd this the last visit.
"Chateaubriand £80
Dripping Chips, Roast Plum Tomatoes & Shallots, Field Mushrooms & Choice of Sauce "

Thats cheap!

Mind you I do like a michelin star 🙂  Dinnae like big slabs of undercooked meat either.  roast tomatoes have no place on a plate.

More cash - its really only occasional usually triggered by a social event - it which case I know I'll be fine once there so "man up" and go or going to a restaurant on my own - in which case I have no idea if it would last once I was inside as I have not got that far.

Occasionally triggered by travel ie a deadline.

doing stuff with others ie social event its easier to beat it as I know I will enjoy it once there and also don't want to let folk down

I think I have built a bit of a barrier over the restaurants thing.  I have identified I got less out of the big bike ride because of it so thought about going on my own here to desensitise but so far have not been able to

I've had some counselling and will have more.  I was hoping someone hd an easy trick like I have used with other issues to reset my thinking.

I think I have built a bit of a barrier over the restaurants thing.

Do bbq instead with Weber Go Anyway and few bottles of beer. Much more relaxing.

I’ve had some counselling and will have more. I was hoping someone hd an easy trick like I have used with other issues to reset my thinking.

Want to reset? Think of death. Think of your own death. Think of a quick/slow/horrible/good etc death. Then give up on death. When you have given up on death there is nothing else there to fear.

Easy said than done because human are constantly burdened with/attached to responsibilities/life and this can cause a lot of overthinking.

Walk your own path.

Want to reset? Think of death. Think of your own death. Think of a quick/slow/horrible/good etc death. Then give up on death. When you have given up on death there is nothing else there to fear.

I don't see how that helps. Fear of loss? Fear of pain? Fear of losing your sanity? Fear of shitting your pants on the way to the pub? Fear of getting trolled?

I don't think anyone had said they're afraid of dying.

I can't offer any help other than to say I think I also suffer from anxiety. It means I rarely go out with my other half and her friends as I just can't handle small talk with strangers. If I have said yes or its something I can't really avoid then the anxiety, if that's what it is, starts a week or two before. It really occupies my mind a lot and starts to affect my sleep and mood. I also start looking for excuses not to go. The last time it was really bad was Xmas and spending it with my in laws. I could offer to go to dinner with you, I often have time to kill in Edinburgh twice a week whilst my daughter is at football but I might not turn up!

do it Steven!

Not read the other replies.

I suffer terribly from it at times but it’s usually sitting there at some level where I can control it.

I rarely drink coffee now and even reduce on tea if it’s particularly bad. I try to focus on what’s good and why I am being irrational about my thoughts, the counselling gave me that advice. Exercise doesn’t have to be full out physical walking the dog is mine, it’s why my other bought my new pup last year. I struggle to socialise at times, sweating, shaking, nausea and very much on edge. I do try to make myself get through it as usually once I’m at the venue it settles. I also try to get out where there’s people, walk into town to a bar, was having coffee, now it’ll be a soft drink or a beer. Alcohol can be my cure but very much my downfall too. Lack of sleep makes it much worse too where to the point I find it hard to function.

Best thing it to open and honest with people, lots will help buy just talking to you or getting you out somewhere in ‘safe environment’.

Its obvious folk some folk on here have got this much worse than me.  Its just particular and occasional situations trigger it and has no effect overall on my life.  Its just its new to me

Ta for your thoughts folk.

Maybe some do have it worse, but this doesn't make your issues any less valid or important.

Not what I meant but ta

Its obvious folk some folk on here have got this much worse than me. Its just particular and occasional situations trigger it and has no effect overall on my life. Its just its new to me

I hope it stays that way I’m on Sertaline have been for a years now, it keeps me functioning wish I’d started on it before I did. Mine stems from work and linked to PTSD.

I certainly got some ptsd type symptoms after caring for Julie.

Ta

First of all my sympathies and secondly apologies to all as I’ve not read the whole thread. But great to see so much openness and honesty. It certainly helps me

I had a brief period of generalised anxiety about 10 years ago. Probably linked to 2 other family members having health issues and work pressure

For me Mindfulness practice has been really useful. I can explain why and how if that’s of interest. But this book is amazing. It’s by the team that got mindfulness approved by NICE as a treatment for anxiety and depression

Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world https://amzn.eu/d/7GaT4Ls

Very much what’ll be TJ. You’ve done the right thing asking for help.