You don't need to be an 'investor' to invest in Singletrack: 6 days left: 95% of target - Find out more
Who sings a computer's favourite song?
Adele.
Help! I'm covered in chameleons and no-one believes me!
I've recently become obsessed with Italian felines.
I think I'm becoming a Roman cataholic.
"Hey, Ryu, what's your favourite fish?"
"Haddock, Ken."
My local church has been converted to a Lazer Quest.
I went in and it was all pew, pew, pew.
A waiter asked me if I want brown or white toast. I said, "all toast is brown, what you're thinking of there is bread."
I've developed an app to measure electrical resistance and email me the results. Wherever I lay my @, that's my Ohm.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Eye one up.
Eye one up who?
Do you really?
There are 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don't.
(Pretty sure I got that off here)
... and those who understand ternary.
Did you hear the one about the baker with smelly fingers?
He kneaded a poo.
My fave from that geek joke list on the web a year or two ago...
What does the B in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoit B Mandelbrot.
Why does a Frenchman never eat more than one egg at breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf
There are 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don't.
I know great joke about udp but I'm not sure you'd get it.
Got off here and the greatest geek joke ever
Two simple cells were floating around in the ooze one day when one of them found a Nucleus.
Do you want this?
No - you carry it.
IGMC.
What does the B in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?Benoit B Mandelbrot.
The best bit of this is that it could actually be true. Mandelbrot added the B himself, he didn't have a middle name.
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Rubberto!
I know great joke about udp but I'm not sure you'd get it.
Got off here and the greatest geek joke ever
Must've been some comic genius.
http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/two-men-walk-into-a-bar#post-5724871
(again possibly from here)
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two; one to climb up and change the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis
Also, it has to really want to change.
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with a light on.
Christmas [u]and[/u] geeks:
"He's making a list
He's sorting it twice
Select * from contacts WHERE behaviour = 'nice'
SQL clause is coming to town
Another geeky one, and also a true story:
We've been setting up some IVR stuff for a customer today (the thing that goes "press 1 for... " when you phone the store) across many different branches. The branch at Devizes is entered on the system three times for some reason. So I've sent the team a warning that there could be a conflict if there's the same address on multiple Devizes...
We've been setting up some IVR stuff for a customer today (the thing that goes "press 1 for... " when you phone the store)
So its you is it...
I was at the ATM the other day and a little old lady asked me to check her balance...so I pushed her over.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
I'm here all night...
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Bought the wife a fridge for her birthday.
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.
I’m now parsley sighted.
What is a mouse's favourite food at Christmas?
Baby cheeses.
Once upon a time there was a mummy bear and a daddy bear and a little baby bear.
These days though theres bloody millions of them.
Terrible shock this evening. I was told my ex wife had fallen down a wishing well.
I had no idea those things actually worked.
Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.
I’m now parsley sighted.
In the pub yesterday a girl claimed she recognised me from Vegan Club.
But I'd never met herbivore....
bought a lorry load of knock off inflatables and now the Police are after me!
gonna have to lilo for a while.....
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Nobody.
Nobody who?
gonna have to lilo for a while.....
& meanwhile back at the ranch, Jake was lying low....
Someone had sawed the legs off his bed.
During a lull at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson. "I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!" “Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.” "Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."
Someone broke into our local police station last night and stole all the toilets.
Police haven't got anything to go on.
Apparently, all that was left were holes in the toilet floor.
Police are looking into it.
bought a lorry load of knock off inflatables and now the Police are after me!
In sad news, the Dutch inventor of inflatable shoes has popped his clogs.
..and just in, tragic news as Osmond Muke, at 97 the world's oldest school caretaker kicks the bucket.
What do you call a French man in sandals?
Phillipe Phollope
Pink Panther's To Do list:
To do, To do,
To do, To do, To dooooo
Two fish in a tank, one says how do you drive this thing?
Some on here I've not heard before 😆
What's the difference between a kangaroo, and a kangaroot?
One's an Australian animal, and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift!!
Any more for tonight??
Van Gogh sitting in the pub. His mate comes in and says
"Vincent, do you want a pint? "
"No thanks" says Van Gogh, " I've got one 'ere."
Pavlov sitting in the pub, and the bell rings for last orders. "Bollocks!" says Pavlov "I forgot to feed the dogs."
Bloke goes into a dentists. "Can I help you?" asks the dentist
"I am a moth" says the bloke
"I beg your pardon?" says the dentist
"I am a moth"
"It's not a dentist you need pal, it's a psychiatrist" says the dentist
"Oh I know that" says the bloke, "but I was on my way past and your light was on."
Bloke goes into a petshop and asks
"Have you got a Manx cat?"
"No," says the owner "but I could make you one."
MrsTHtobe told me to stop quoting Oasis all the time.
I said ‘yeah, I probably should, guess it’s getting irritating’
What bird sounds like a car horn?
A pipit.