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The weird chap in the office has just announced that him and his weird girlfriend are expecting - bit surprised amidst all the congratulations to find that she's only five weeks along. Now, I'm not a parent and have no intention of becoming one, but that seems pretty early to me. Is it just me?
Americans seem to announce it almost before they've pulled out.
Most disconcerting.
That seems rather early.
😆 @ CFH
Yes, that's very early. After you've had the all-clear at the 12 week scan is normal.
Good sign that he's shitting himself.
I always thought 3 months. Because, God forbid, of the likelihood of something going wrong.
12 weeks is the norm though you may tell grandparents earlier
People I know tend to have announced either at the 12 week point or after the 20 week scan.
My brothers psychopathic Mrs announced it at around 2 weeks, might have been earlier
I always thought 3 months. Because, God forbid, of the likelihood of something going wrong.
having recently been in the 'God forbid' situation I would say this, maybe even later.
We tried to keep it quiet from everyone until we'd got the 12 week all clear scan.
Didn't work when we lost one at 11 weeks 😥 My parents happened to be staying over and got woken up at 6am by me announcing "We are expecting but we think we might be losing it. We are going to the hospital right now, you can look after MCJnr"
Even worse, the outlaws were coming up later that day to stay a few days so my mum had give my mother-in-law the bad news as we were still at the hospital. Properly shit day that was. And quite a few days afterwards.
All it took was for my Mrs to turn down a glass of wine for the cat to be out of the bag...
Definitely the 12-week marker. It's pretty standard for a reason.
LOL @ jambo
My mums shocked reaction at the time was "I did wonder when she refused to try the seafood"!
I don't have a problem with sharing your good news early, certainly to family and friends, never understood the 12 week thing, if you suffer a miscarriage - isn't it better that your family and friends know so they can support you? Of course, who am I to break convention, I waited 12 weeks.
Why is he weird? (apart from the birth announcement)
12 weeks unless friends see your lush of a wife not drinking when she normally would!
I find people who announce early are first timers, people who have had a couple of miscarriages (or more 🙁 ) tend to wait a bit. Being pregnant does not always lead to a baby unfortunately.
I don't have a problem with sharing your good news early, certainly to family and friends, never understood the 12 week thing, if you suffer a miscarriage - isn't it better that your family and friends know so they can support you
I looked the figures up after I posted, funnily enough, and something like 80% of miscarriages occur in the first 12 weeks, a horribly sad number. 🙁 I think it must be about not wanting to have it flung in your face - I guess you'd face the grim prospect of having to tell everyone the sad news (can't imagine how hard that would be) or run the risk of people keep asking you how the baby's coming along. Grim beyond belief - he's a weird chap but I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I find people who announce early are first timers...
That's them.
Why is he weird?
He is just as odd as a cod. Total inability to keep anything to himself (as evidenced above), insecure, utterly unable to accept that he does anything wrong (and he does make a lot of mistakes - small thing, I know, but his spelling is awful, he once sent Angus an email starting "Hi Anus", but 'it's only a spelling mistake'). Not a bad lad but sweet mother of jesus, you should hear him eat yogurt. *shudders*
Everyone os different and the idea of a “standard” date to reveal seems to be a bit daft to me - do it when you’re ready.
It’s fairly unlikely I’ll get pregnant, no matter how hard the gf and I try, but I think I would say something early as I’d rather have the support of my friends if there were problems. Just seems obvious to me.
Also
has almost made me sick with laughter!! 😆Not a bad lad but sweet mother of jesus, you should hear him eat yogurt. *shudders*
Rachel
We told close friends and family after the first scan, then others over the next couple of weeks.
We also told close friends and family about our pre-12 week miscarriage, but didn't particularly announce it more widely, though we almost always talk about it if it comes up, like now, as it really helps to know that it's actually really common.
i haven't told many people yet, and we had our 20 week scan today... oh, yeah. that's that out of the bag then!
I remember emailing my dad a copy of the 12-week scan. He must have glanced at it briefly then emailed back wondering what the X-ray was of and what I'd broken.
But we waited to 12 weeks and it seems to be what most folks do.
so its 5 weeks since her last period.. and potentially only a 3 weeks after conception. Guess the wierd office guy is just happy about the news and fancied sharing it.
Congratulations to him and his girlfriend.
I suspect he's a lot sharper than you give him credit for 😆"Hi Anus"
I think it's odd that people don't say sooner. If there is a chance of things going wrong then surely friends, family, work etc can help minimise issues.
Intended to wait till 12 weeks but wife was showing early, started wearing sweaters etc in middle of heatwave to try and cover bump. It didn't feel right local shop keeper/neighbour guessing and knowing and not aunties and uncles so we announced it at 8 weeks to close family/friends then the obligatory Facebook status at 12 weeks.
The idea of announcing it at work is weird. You may tell friends by why does everyone at work need orcwant to know.
I suspect he's a lot sharper than you give him credit for
In some ways yes, in many, many ways no.
You may tell friends by why does everyone at work need orcwant to know.
We really didn't, in the same way that we didn't want to know they were trying, but he told us anyway.
We had an early scan at 5 weeks, perhaps this guy has too?
Told folks at this point, we figured it sensible to have the support if something went wrong. Told everyone else after 12 week scan.
Due to the manual nature of her job, the ex had to announce it almost as soon as we knew due to not being able to do certain tasks at work (nursery nurse, insurance etc) Unfortunately, this is always obvious to the staff there, and being closely linked via children's parents at the nursery with siblings at both schools that our mums worked out, it was out to everyone before we had a chance to get over the shock.
We lost it at 12 weeks, and the support she had was amazing from friends, family and colleagues. For her, it was better to have that support. Just a shame no one supported me the same way.
My bro and his other half recently let me into their big secret at an early stage but I didn't feel it was my place at all to talk about it to anybody else, even my missus, until they went public with it.
Because, well, just in case...
Cat is out of the bag about the bun in in the oven now.
While we're on the subject, what's the etiquette about cards and baby showers 🙄 and all that Americanised guff?
Maybe because I work in prenatal diagnosis and that leads to me see too many miscarriages but I'd wait until 12wks (not that we are having another).
We had an early scan
Just a thought, but maybe you having a scan was a waste of NHS resources. I suspect that it was your wife who was the only one who needed one 🙂
Id told best mate early for support should something go wrong and then family after the nucule scan. We didn't really announce stuff as such other than to close friends. Everyone else found out as and when though the fact she was 6 months pregnant on our wedding day gave it away 🙂 #shotGunWedding
Friend of mine seriously let the cat out of the bag at a meet up.
Her insistence on absolutely alcohol free beer was almost psychopathically aggressive. Rules here allow anything with less than 0,3% to be marked as alcohol free. But she had to have zero. Que lots of googling and quizzing the poor barman.
One of the guys (who had been in the pub all day) drunkenly asked when it was due.
At which point her and her husband left and weren't seen publically for another 6 weeks, at which point the 1st trimester announcement was made.
We later found out that they'd been trying for ~2 years.......
the americans have a good line in announcement pictures, some worht a good chuckle
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as pondo says first twelve weeks are statistically a worrying time. If the worst happens then unless you are going to announce the sad news to everyone you told the good news to, then you'll get asked "how's the pregnancy coming along" at varying stages as you meet up with people you don't see all the time. Trust me when I say that kinda thing can knock you off your stride. Just telling close family and close friends (and anyone who [i]needs[/i] to know at work) until things are more progressed is a good idea imo.never understood the 12 week thing, if you suffer a miscarriage - isn't it better that your family and friends know so they can support you?
(we waited, but not long enough)
Everyone else found out as and when though the fact she was 6 months pregnant on our wedding day gave it away
Weird Chap is putting his wedding planning back a year because she's now pregnant. Not that they'd set a date or anything, got engaged last spring (we knew before she did - he is compelled to tell you everything in his head).
Maybe Weird Chap just wants everyone to know he's not as weird as all that.
He is failing. I already know where he's going for lunch today, and what he had last time he went there (and that it had too much cheese, and cheese is mean to the body, quote unquote).
never understood the 12 week thing, if you suffer a miscarriage - isn't it better that your family and friends know so they can support you?
as pondo says first twelve weeks are statistically a worrying time. If the worst happens then unless you are going to announce the sad news to everyone you told the good news to, then you'll get asked "how's the pregnancy coming along" at varying stages as you meet up with people you don't see all the time. Trust me when I say that kinda thing can knock you off your stride. Just telling close family and close friends (and anyone who needs to know at work) until things are more progressed is a good idea imo.
(we waited, but not long enough)
^ that, exactly that
Having support from your close friends is a massive help, and telling a few close friends early was fine, but having to deal with what comes afterwards is devastating, especially if there are further complications as well, and it's a lot easier to explain what's happened without the added heartache of having told people you were pregnant in advance, and you also then don't get all the well-meaning but crushing questions from people who might have been out of the loop.
FWIW, I'm still struggling 3 months on from it, we had/have extra complications to deal with too, it's getting dusty in here just typing this but I'm certainly glad we didn't announce anything beyond a couple of close friends, although I do and will talk to people about it if they ask, it helps me and I think it helps to remind people that it is incredibly common, not that that's much consolation...
We have a lot of depression and family support threads on STW and the support people give and receive is amazing, but miscarriage and fertility seems to still be one of those hushed up subjects that is still kept behind closed doors - [b]if anyone on here ever wants to talk then my mail is in my profile[/b]
Thoughts with you amedias. Experience also here of early losses and a really ****ing long time trying. Some heartache along the way - sharing with close friends helped as it seemed lots of people we knew had been through similar. Finally got pregnant while some of the way along the road to IUI, and subsequent IVF - some wimminz related stuff got fixed along the way though which likely led to natural conception. A few comedy moments from fertility clinic related stuff that I won't (over)share here too. 😀
but miscarriage and fertility seems to still be one of those hushed up subjects that is still kept behind closed doors
This is true but I think it's getting better. I'd be sad if the NHS provision of fertility treatments was further squeezed. It really helped us. I remember almost feeling guilty when we had the appointment with our consultant, telling her that mrs DD had conceived naturally and us both choking up when she described how crossing someone off their books at such an early stage of treatment was their happiest result.
Best of luck to you. I hope you both have a good outcome from this. I really do.
DrJ - Member
We had an early scan
Just a thought, but maybe you having a scan was a waste of NHS resources. I suspect that it was your wife who was the only one who needed one
I think maybe you shouldn't jump to conclusions. We didn't have the early scan on a whim, there was a legit reason for it.
I think maybe you shouldn't jump to conclusions. We didn't have the early scan on a whim, there was a legit reason for it.
I think maybe DrJ was just joshing - taking your "we" as both of you having a scan. He's not that kind of guy I think.
but miscarriage and fertility seems to still be one of those hushed up subjects that is still kept behind closed doors
Which I why I made my comment about not understanding the 12 week limit. In my experience too many people go through the awful experience of a miscarriage as a couple alone because they have adhered to the societal norm of not sharing their news until 12 weeks - this doesn't make sense to me.
yeah, it's got the icky [i]women's problems[/i] element* while also being an incredibly sensitive issue all by itself. I still feel pretty nervous talking about it, still affected by it all these years later but more worried I'll say the wrong thing - I'm pretty good at that just discussing normal everyday stuff.but miscarriage and fertility seems to still be one of those hushed up subjects that is still kept behind closed doors
Fingers crossed for you amedias, hope everything works out.
*something you need to disabuse yourself of pretty early on, but it's still there for joe public.
In my experience too many people go through the awful experience of a miscarriage as a couple alone because they have adhered to the societal norm of not sharing their news until 12 weeks - this doesn't make sense to me.
You don't have to go through it alone, as I said we told close friends and family early (almost as soon as we knew) so we did have that support, but the point is that it's even worse having to tell people you've had a miscarriage [i]after [/i]you've told everyone you were pregnant, and you also dodge all the 'so hows the pregnancy going' questions from less frequent friends /meetings which floor you again each and every time.
We certainly didn't keep our loss to ourselves, we told people what had happened, basically announced a miscarriage instead of a pregnancy, which was a heartbreaking thing to have to do but better than keeping it quiet. Talking and telling people has helped us, but I am [i]very [/i]glad we didn't tell everyone we were expecting before hand.
I think maybe DrJ was just joshing - taking your "we" as both of you having a scan.
Yes I was, but maybe it was not the place for leg-pulling, so apologies if that was insensitive.
You don't have to go through it alone
Which was rather my point - but too many do.
D'oh! I get it now. I'm a bit tired you know 🙄
[i]but too many do.[/i]
I agree, but I don't think announcing early to everyone that you're expecting is the way to fix that, it just sets you up for additional heartache. There's a difference between keeping it quiet if/after it happens, and not announcing early.
Making sure those close to you know is a very good idea, and talking about it when it happens is also helpful, but an early announcement isn't (IMO), when we get pregnant again we certainly won't be telling people (other than the close friends/family) until we feel a bit more confident that things are progressing well.
I guess it's very personal though, some people will want to keep themselves to themselves, others won't and you have to deal with it in whatever way works best for you, but I do think it's a topic that should get more exposure.
I was very aware how little support and advice there is for fathers after a miscarriage. I was trying to be there for my wife, who was holding it together during the day in front of our lad who was two at the time, but she just cried her heart out through the night for days afterwards, and I was still trying to come to terms with it myself.
My mother in law came up for a few days and sent me out for a bike ride. Had a bit of an issue with the wind getting behind my Oakley's for the first few miles, but finished in much better shape.
We were so lucky we already had one healthy child and could deal with the helpfully intended "it just wasn't meant to be" comments. Seen friends cave in when they've lost one after a struggle to conceive.
the norm is 12 weeks before making any sort of announcement. for all 3 of ours this was the case..12 weeks before we told the family and at 20 weeks we made a major announcement to all our friends. of course there were people who knew after 6 weeks but we made them sign the official secrets act!!
@amedias and morecash
i've never been in the situation you both ave been in but i've had one friend who went through this about 10 years ago...he went off the rails and ended up going on an all night bender in manchester...i had to leave work early to go find him the next day and take him back to his wife who was still in hospital,,,he got a bollocking from me on the way there but i kind of understood that he wasnt thinking straight
another friend and his wife now have a 5 month old baby girl...this is after nearly 10 years of trying and a dozen miscarriages
he only told me 2 years ago that he'd had to deal with it all on his own while his wife had her sisters to fall back on for support...last 2 miscarriages werent as bad as he now had someone to open up to...but still i could see how hard it was for both of them, but i'm glad they now have the child they have tried so hard for
both friends never made any announcements when they conceived or lost the babies...they kept it pretty much to themselves and only a handful of people knew
oops, double post!!
A random woman at work asked me when we were having another as my little girl would probably love a brother or sister. This was 3 days after our second miscarriage after trying for 3 years to conceive a sibling for our daughter. I'll never ask anyone that question.
^^ some people mean well but have the subtlety of a sledgehammer or their comments are just bad timing ...either way its not nice for any parent who is grieving over a miscarriage
That reminds me of someone asking my wife if we were having any more kids her response was "nah i had a hysterectomy last week..." 😯 I think I was more shocked by her words but she is pretty matter of the fact with such things. ( oh and yes i did know about it...)
Got a couple of mates who are going through this with their respective partners, one and his wife have spent ~10 years trying, IVF, 6 or 7 extended stays in hospital to clean up after a miscarriage and many more upsets along the way. They dropped out of the adoption process about 12 months ago when she got to the end of the second trimester, they now have a 9 month old boy. And he hasn't slept properly for about 8 and half months......... (HA!) they are also back on the adoption list as the chances of her conceiving and carrying to term again are (in the doctors words) between slim and none.
The other one has recently had the news that there is no chance. So they have moved house, they were essentially living as a couple of hippies in a big shed in the woods, now they live in the village, both taken "better" (more stable and professional) jobs. Basically so they can adopt. Hopefully should get some news this year or early next.
I was very aware how little support and advice there is for fathers after a miscarriage
'aint that the truth 🙁
Making sure those close to you know is a very good idea, and talking about it when it happens is also helpful, but an early announcement isn't (IMO), when we get pregnant again we certainly won't be telling people (other than the close friends/family) until we feel a bit more confident that things are progressing well.
exactly this. support from parents and a close friend or 2 was vital, but going round telling everyone would have been a killer.
people definitely need to talk about it more though / bring it out in the open. who knew a miscarriage could last 8 weeks? 😐
Satistically, once the pregnancy makes it safely beyond the first trimester, you can be confident that you'll be ok (of course, we all know of horror stories from friends or acquaintances). Sometimes, the emotional attachment that others (especially family - e.g. grandparents eagerly awaiting the first grandchild) get to your pregnancy means that the prospective mum and dad feel like they're letting others down to go along nicely as an accompaniment to their own grief. I've seen this close-up enough to realise why it's a good idea to keep a lid on it. I realise there's no "good" reason why a miscarriage should lead to a woman feeling guilty, but as we all know, it happens and grieving prospective grandparents can just make everything worse. Tell them once it's happened and let them deal with it rather than dashing their hopes and dreams as well as your own.
Because we were beside ourselves with worry, we paid for an early scan at somewhere between 7 and 8 weeks. We were lucky enough to be having a doctor doing the scan for us who told us that everything he saw and measured pointed to a 95%+ chance of a successful carry. At that point we told two sets of very close friends, almost as an outlet really but because they knew everything we'd been through, had had babies themselves and were holding out a lot of hope for us.
Would I have told my or mrs DD's family? Not a chance. They waited until after the 12 weeks.
we were offered an early scan during second pregnancy, I didn't feel it would have made much difference either way but my mrs seemed happy with it. Then her mum got her a foetal heartbeat microphone thingy. I really didn't like that idea and sure enough we had several heart in mouth moments through the pregnancy when mrs struggled to find a heartbeat.Because we were beside ourselves with worry, we paid for an early scan at somewhere between 7 and 8 weeks.
After a miscarriage you seem to spend a lot more time worrying rather than looking forward to the little 'uns arrival.
After a miscarriage you seem to spend a lot more time worrying rather than looking forward to the little 'uns arrival.
Oh yes, this x 1000.
From our positive test till we were able to do the scan, we just worried bloody constantly - while all the time realising that all the worrying in the world wasn't going to change anything. The relief we felt after that scan though - probably the best £100 I've ever spent. 🙂
Not a frequent poster on here but this subject strikes a chord with me. I personally wouldn't recommend telling anybody until at least after the 12 week scan purely to save yourselves from all the awkward questions and conversations that will be asked if anything bad happens. My wife has had 3 miscarriages including numerous other procedures after the miscarriages as well. We now have 3 children (2 naturally conceived) but there have been some very long and dark periods along the way. I do also agree there is not a lot of support or thought for the dad along the way. I hope all goes to plan for Weird bloke and his partner.
Congratulations to xherbivorex.
I'm with you on not making a big thing of it. Having been in the "God forbid" situation previously, we were in no rush to tell people, particularly since we were at an age which the NHS classed as 'elevated risk'.
Told family at about 16 weeks. My Mrs told her team and HR dept at about 28 weeks. I didn't get round telling anyone at my work until after the event (apart from the lady who does payroll as I wanted to take a couple of weeks paternity leave) and would do the same if we ever have another.
I can't be doing with self-centred obsessing that you sometimes see. So you're having a baby... it's hardly a global precedent. And spare a thought for any colleagues or friends you may have who have been trying to conceive for years who will be hurting every time someone else gets pregnant.