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5 f***ing years! 5 years ago today my whole world began collapsing around me. Not sure where that time has gone but so much has happened since that first fateful day.
Looking back to the way I was then I really didn't think I'd have managed, coped and survived it all. But here we are. Somehow. A lot of this was thanks to everyone here for the continued support and help I have received. I am eternally grateful for everything you have all done for us over the years.
Losing my wife, grandmother, eldest son, mum, a really good friend and most recently my uncle in February this year; as well as something else equally as devastating in a different way (that I can't expand on publicly) all in that time has really taken it's toll on me as a person. Add in to that covid too and it's been an extremely tough and emotional few years.
The kids are now 14, 10 and 8 and are doing brilliantly despite their own issues and things to deal with.
Phoenix has come out to me last year as bisexual, possibly gay, which was very brave of him and was pretty difficult I'd imagine.
Liberty has possible adhd and dyslexia too.
Shelby has changed school as he was struggling with the previous one. The new school suits him better and he has had a referral sent through this school to be tested for autism.
They all still have their moments and outbursts through their own management of grief and struggle almost daily because of it. Understandably so.
No matter what happens though, they will always have my full support, backing and unconditional love. Everyone keeps saying they're lucky to have me, don't think anyone realises it's more a case of how lucky I am to have them. Without them, who knows.....
Phoenix and Liberty do rock climbing and are working their way through their nicas level 2 and they are loving it. Need to get some gear for them but the centre are understanding and still allowing them to borrow their kit til I can get it all sorted.
Phoenix is really into photography and animation and wants to progress with these for his gcses starting in September so will have to sort out stuff for him shortly I guess. He's looking forward to doing his dofe next month too.
Liberty has completed her swimming lessons and is joining the local water polo club. She will be going from cubs up to scouts after summer holidays.
Shelby is doing swimming lessons and really enjoying it. He was doing rock climbing but a nervous wobble and subsequent reaction he had one day put an end to that. He's heading from beavers up to cubs after summer holidays.
They all still enjoy riding too and do it whenever they can, Liberty and Shelby cycle everyday to their schools.
I know the costs of these aren't helping with the way things are but I honestly can't tell them they can't go anymore. They are thriving so much and it all helps take their mind off things and gives them something to focus on and aim towards. So I just make do in other ways to make it all happen.
I met someone last September and she is very patient, tolerant and understanding which is really nice and refreshing to have after all this time of doing it all by myself. The kids love her too which is nice to see. We got engaged earlier this year, no rush to get married but it's the extra commitment to each other that we both wanted. We're with each other 4 days on and 4 days off. When her son isn't at his father's she is at her home with him, it gives each of us time with our kids independently and the other time to be together and with them too. It works really well and isn't too much for anyone.
The honest part.......
I am the polar opposite of the person I used to be many years ago. I am still properly struggling with everything. Mentally, emotionally and physically. They think I could possibly have some form of adhd so that's something else to see about. I am lactose intolerant and suspected either wheat or gluten intolerance too, currently in the middle of trial and error for that. I struggle with motivation to do anything or go anywhere. Money is still a daily battle thanks to the rising prices of everything and the cost of living crisis. I have managed to arrange a debt relief order after having no option due to the daily cost rises. Even with this being done, I'm still struggling to get by each day once the bills have been paid. Not the route I wanted to go down but had no choice in the end. Before the price hikes I was managing it all reasonably well.
Like the other professional services that promised everything after the initial phone calls over the years, citizens advice was useless and I'm still waiting for them to get back to me months after my initial phone appointment so ended up having to do it myself. Again. That seems to be the story of my life, just like every other avenue I'm still waiting on. It doesn't help my mindset of feeling unwanted and that I don't matter.
But, despite all the things I've endured and have been thrown at me, I'm still here. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from OK, I know this.
Suicidal thoughts? Occasionally.
Wanting to hide from everything? Definitely.
Wanting to be alone but miss having company? Always.
Hate being indoors but won't go outside? Everyday.
Thinking the kids would be better off without me? Most of the time.
Some things have improved and some things have got worse. I'm pretty sure this is me now whether I like it or not. Somehow I have to deal with it and try and get on with things.
I know I haven't been very active here lately and I'm sorry for that, I just feel worthless, useless and a burden to everyone. I have been keeping up to date with it all though, just can't bring myself to post anything. Even posting this is proving difficult, stupid I know. I don't want to be negative all the time, just seems that's all I tend to do now. I even made another account to post stuff on so I could be anonymous but I never used it. I have had some contact with a few members through email/whatsapp/messenger telling me to post and vent etc, but I just couldn't.
I think that's pretty much it for an update. I've probably missed some stuff out though as there's a lot to say and it's a long enough post as it is.
I hope you're all doing well and if you are struggling with anything that you are coping OK with whatever you're dealing with too. And if anyone wants/needs a chat, vent or whatever, I'm always happy to listen and help if I can, please get in touch.
I was wondering just at the weekend where you;d got to mate, good to hear from you. It means a lot that you're still around - it means you're part of a community, something bigger than just you. We care, never doubt that for a minute
I just feel worthless, useless and a burden to everyone. I have been keeping up to date with it all though,
You were kind to me when I called in last year and the gnusmuslings looked happy and well cared for. Think on the positives and how far you have come even if its all been a bit two steps forward one back
*insert bollox motivation quote here*
Well the first part of your post is all incredibly positive. Seriously, well done for managing all that - sounds like a task in itself!!
I'm please for the update too, I've been a little worried about your absence, don't be a stranger for so long! (please). Keep on keeping on pal. 👍 (which is my bollocks motivational quote that TJ alluded to as I was reading 🤣)
You are a positive force in the world - it sounds like you are doing a great job with your kids and they are thriving despite the difficulties. Congratulations on your engagement.
Happy to chat/message if you need it especially around dyslexia / autism /adhd - 3 daughters and a wife who have a mixture of each.
Great to hear from you Samsung! Clearly, life continues to be very difficult for you, but it sounds like you are doing a great job with your kids and you have found someone who loves you which is brilliant. Your kids must be so proud of all you have done and continue to do for them. 👍👍👍👍👍👍
Youre doing an amazing job, more adversity in a few years than most people see in their lifetimes
whatever happens a random bunch of strangers on a stupid bike forum are rooting for you
You ARE wanted and you DO matter.
bunnyhop x
Stay strong mate, you're doing amazing to go through all that and come out of the other side.
Your kids are lucky to have you, as are your friends and family 🙂
Really nice to hear from you!
You're managing 100x better than you think you are!!!
Thanks for posting this. It's good to hear from you.
Hola! big man, good to have you pop up again.
As others are saying, your are wanted and you are appreciated - by your kids, partner, random internet cycling forum strangers and more.
See you on the trail sometime...
I too was thinking about you in the last week. I wanted to post on here, but thought a stalker on the internet might not help 😉
Glad to hear things are going well in some areas of your life and pleased to hear you are able to get the kids out and doing things as well. Keep up the good work!
Aha! @gnusmas you’re back, brilliant! I’m very pleased that you’re sharing again, I felt a bit impotent this last year as didn’t know how I could help more apart from emailing as I have done. You’re doing brilliantly despite the problems thrown at you over the last few years and your children sound like they’re still thriving. Keep posting or emailing, we can crack this together. X
Thinking the kids would be better off without me? Most of the time.
This is so not true. I've been there years ago. Wrote them each a letter to say goodbye. To tell them how proud I was of each of them and to apologize for letting them down. I'm still here thanks to 1 friend and know now it would have been a huge mistake. I promise you they need you more than they will ever admit and more than you will ever realise. Please believe me when I say you are wrong to think this.
Separate topic - if you need some climbing gear put up a post with what is needed/sizes. There will be stuff be stuff other kids have grown out of.
Holy crp that hit me! smiles and tears here and not afraid to admit it.
5yrs must feel like and instant and lifetime ago, but i'm so glad you came on here to post your update, thank you for sharing and being so brave. I know i'm an internet stranger but like those above can attest, your well being is something that I do reflect on and that I've hoped you're out there doing well.
It's great to see you all have some major silver linings to what seems like an ongoing grey cloud, and long may they continue. Sending you and yours a massive virtual hug and this evening i shall raise a glass to the memories you have had and to those yet to come.
The kids are now 14, 10 and 8 and are doing brilliantly despite their own issues and things to deal with.
And that right there is a testament to you and your "unconditional love". Chapeau sir, chapeau.
You may think it, but "better off without you" is self-evidently bollocks of the highest order.
A lot of the negative stuff there sounds like depression. Have you discussed it with a GP?
Thanks for checking in, good to hear from you.
It may all seem a struggle, but from you've been through, you've done a hell of a job.
Just remember, your kids won't remember how much money you have, or that they didn't have the latest stuff, they will remember that they were loved, and that they had a dad that did so much for them.
As others have said, I was wondering how you were doing.
Glad you've given us all an update.
Alan you are without doubt one of the most resilient people I have known, the courage you have shown to your children will be with them forever.
For that alone your one in a million all the other stuff is just an addition to the wonderful person you are.
I'm also feeling really guilty I didn't get to visit you over the summer but I never got to South Wales in the end 🙁
Your post has also hit me hard as I though I was doing ok, Obviously not as well as I though as I'm tearful, will message you once I've pulled myself together.
Your post must have taken some effort to post, but I'm glad you did.
As others have said above, glad of the update fella. Sounds like your doing a lot better than you think you are, keep doing what your doing (but come back to the forum more often, I too have been wondering how you were getting on)
The kids are now 14, 10 and 8 and are doing brilliantly
’nuff said 👊
There’s a box of kids’ climbing shoes, harnesses and the like cluttering up our garage. All in good nick with known history, it would be great to send it onto a good home.
As a fellow sufferer of crappy luck and history (but not in the quantity you've had to deal with) then I have to say you're doing amazingly! 9 years into chaos here, but every time I think the kids would be better off without me, and that the life insurance payout/work benefits are more useful to them than I can be then I think "but what if I'm wrong" and carry on....
As above, if you need climbing gear or bike bits for them or you then post it up!
Al, when you're over next you can have a rummage thorough my sac for some krabs if you'd like to.
Sounds like you’re doing remarkably well, much much better than most of us could have gone. Life’s sometimes different than we imagined it would be. but if we look for the small pleasures: the kids, winking at something, getting to know a new partner or even listening to the inane bickering, good advice or random shit on here then you’ll be alright. People do care and do value you, there are people all over the country and even abroad who have smiled today because you posted on a bike forum!
@gnusmas you can’t just pop up and disappear again, you’re back now, keep talking to us otherwise I’ll have to overcome my IT ineptitude and upload a clip of the Marmot shouting your name!! X
Glad to have you back xxx
Well done gnusmas*, I bet you’d be surprised how many people here - even those you’ve never interacted with - think of you from time to time.
I can tell you that I would not have had the strength to keep going the way you have, I’m a little bit in awe of you.
*I’m so dense I only just realised what your name is. Doh.
I don’t have anything sensible to add but can’t not post
The thing I find terrifying is that so many of these things could come knocking on any of our doors
The crap is not your fault nor your reaction to it
Focus on all the positives. I hope they grow
I too was thinking of you and yours recently so it's great to hear from you and well done, you are doing brilliantly.
Banish those self doubts, you should be proud of what you are achieving.
Firstly, can I thank you all for your generous words and kindness, I appreciate everything that's been said. I'm still knocking around, just can't bring myself to do or say anything but will try to be more active in my presence.
@tjagain was awesome to have you here, glad I could help in a small way.
@StuF I appreciate the offer, thankyou. I have a meeting with the school on Tuesday about it all so I'll see what happens with that first.
@wheelsonfire1 didn't mean to make you feel bad over the past few months, I've genuinely not been in the best of places and completely shut down from absolutely everyone so please don't feel bad. I really appreciate you emailing and checking in though, thanks for all that. And my profile pic on STW is of that very animal, thought it would be apt lol
@Cougar I have been to the docs, I'm on meds for chronic depression, also developed extreme anxiety too. The other things I mentioned are in addition so a lot to sort out and work through.
@MrOvershoot I'm sure you're doing better than you think, we are our own worst critics. Please get in touch as soon as you're able to, hope you're doing OK
@Ambrose awesome, thankyou. Once I've fixed the car and stopped it doing what it shouldn't be doing I'll sort out popping over to you.
@swdan not long seen it and I've just replied, thankyou
@grahamt1980 and @sturmeyarcher really appreciate the offers, thankyou. It's in a rock climbing centre and all they've said is they need harnesses, belay devices, chalk bags, shoes and anything else that they would need for a rock climbing centre I guess lol
I'm not trying to leave anyone out by not replying individually, I apologise if I offend anyone by not doing that. Just trying to answer some of the questions asked and specific things said.
I do hope one day to be able to meet as many of you as I can, on or off the trails. That is definitely something I would love to be able to do. Again, a massive thankyou to you all, you are all amazing.