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Few months ago I posted about ending a friendship with a lass I really liked. She had started dating someone, I was gutted as she was the love of my life. I told her how I felt and when she didn’t feel the same I told her it would be too hard to be around her for the foreseeable because of way I felt about her, and we parted ways on amicable terms. For context I had dated this girl previously, and we had remained on very close terms
anyways, the elephant in the room was that me and her were going on holiday in May with our cycling club. Been arranged for a year, with the pair of us due to fly out 4 days before everyone else. I had debated not going because it would be tough to be around her but thought what the hell, I’ve paid for it and whilst it would be tough to see her I just have to man up and get on with it
And now comes the kicker. Transpires she has invited the bloke on our holiday!!! I’m absolutely raging, I don’t care she has a bloke, but I think it’s bang out of order to invite him on a holiday I’m going on, without even discussing it with me first, given she is well aware of my feelings towards her. I feel it shows a complete lack of respect towards me after 3 years friendship. My club mates are also not best pleased when they found out
Am I being unreasonable, or is she being a selfish, inconsiderate cow?
You're not being unreasonable to feel like this, and she is being selfish and inconsidelerate.
You need to look after yourself, and that may mean not going on the holiday, if it's going to be too emotionally difficult.
An alternative might be to speak with her, see if she will change her mind about bringing him, is unlikely to get the result you'd like, since she evidently is insensitive enough to invite him along after your previous conversation.
Bummer of a situation, I feel for you.
Am I being unreasonable, or is she being a selfish, inconsiderate cow?
Possibly a bit of both. You decided, unilaterally, to go on the holiday regardless of the fact she would be there (which isn't entirely unreasonable, but she may also have been uncomfortable about having you around) and she decided, unilaterally, to go with her new fella which is going to make it difficult for you.
The proverbial elephant is probably that you should both have had a conversation about the holiday and figured out what would be mutually acceptable/tolerable; but hindsight is a great thing and break-ups usually don't happen in such ideal conditions.
She could maybe be a bit more sensitive, but from her perspective you've been friends for a number of years and her feelings for you haven't been romantic for some time.
I assume she wants to use the opportunity to spend some holiday time with her new fella. This could be the only abroad holiday she has this year.
She might have asked but in general yes, YABU. You've both moved on, she's got a new life with this bloke now but presumably remains a member of the club and he cycles too, why wouldn't she also want to go on holiday with him.
My opinion, worth what you paid for it.
(is this going to be a 'give me some advice, NO NOT THAT ADVICE!' thread?)
How many people in total on the holiday?
Whilst selfish on her part, if it's a large group it may be more tolerable (easier to avoid them) but if there's just, say, six people in total, I'd consider it bang out of order (but I'd also question the wisdom of going on holiday with her, even if she wasn't bringing a new boyfriend...)
You are being unreasonable. You are her are not an item, so she can do what she wants.
You were thinking that you may get back together in the future, but she has different views, and has gone elsewhere. It’s rotten for you if you have feelings for her still, but you can’t stop her seeing someone else. Going on the same holiday could be a bit insensitive, but maybe she has less invested in your (past) relationship, and has no idea that you still think there is a future for you two.
If there are no thoughts of you and her getting back together, then I cant see what the problem is, you are both single.
I get the feelings / sensitivities involved, but she's given you a three months heads up?
Or were you expecting her to ask your permission and give you the chance to veto him coming? Is that realistic?
She hasn’t invited him. He’s invited himself.
What this boils down to is the questions that have somewhat inevitably arisen…
“So… this holiday you’ve got planned? You say it’s with your ex? This the same guy who’s just declared he’s still in love with you?”
Put yourself in his position. How would you feel about that? It’d be straight on my ‘things that will only happen over my dead body’ list
Time to cut your losses and move on
I don’t think is unreasonable, but to expect to stay/travel together is. The extra few days should be negotiated apart from each other as should your itinerary for those days, and who she brings is her issue.
As for the group part of it, don’t make it your problem as you will be seen as the instigator but I agree, she should have consulted the group before inviting an outsider. If the group has another organiser or leader other than you, ask that person to have a word after declaring your personal involvement.
I'm with her here I'm afraid.
She taking her fella on a group holiday, if it was just the 2 of you and he was number 3 that would be different, but a cycling club holiday? No issues.
There's also a chance that she (or her fella) aren't overly comfortable about being on a holiday alone with someone who's expressed those (unrequited) feelings towards her.
I think there's a fair argument that you should both have talked about it, but in a breakup that rarely happens, and you've said yourself that you've consciously parted ways.
You're absolutely entitled to be annoyed by it, I would be, but I'd also know I was being a bit unreasonable.
Just to play devil's advocate, the opposing point of view might be that because you ended the friendship and broke all ties, there is no longer any expectation for her to be considerate to you and she's just doing what makes her happy.
If the holiday arrangements are such that anyone could invite someone else without checking with the others, I assume you all have separate accommodation. It doesn't sound like you're sharing a house and don't necessarily have to share daily activities.
Seeing her happy with someone else might be what you need to draw a line under it.
I genuinely sympathise mate as it is fairly similar to a situation I was once in.
But...
What she's done has obviously annoyed (hurt?) you but it's just not her responsibility to consider you unless she chooses to. It's not even about who is right or wrong, it's just the reality of the situation.
I dont mean to sound harsh, I really do sympathise. I tore myself up for years over something a little similar but eventually learnt she owed me nothing.
It's brutal this love business.
Yes, you are being totally unreasonable.
How would you feel if the roles were reversed and she was insisting you couldn't bring your new partner along? You would have to go and explain to the new person in your life that they couldn't come on holiday with you because your ex might get a bit upset and start crying?
Seriously?
Get over yourself already.
If you can stay polite and sensible and not be a weirdo then go. Otherwise cancel and suck it up, and go somewhere else.
^^ Not sure the op merits such a harsh response mate? He's not asking permission to murder the new guy.
Is the club part of the holiday exclusively for club members apart from this chap or are other partners or random cyclists going too?
But generally yes, you are being unreasonable. As binners says, spin it the other way around and see how it colours in and how happy you'd be in that scenario.
Sounds like you swerved a relationship with someone who is not the most empathetic of people.
Your options are:
- Don't go
- Go but ignore them totally
- Go and just be civil if you see them
- Go and treat it like you're in your own sitcom and go out of your way to be mean to them.
People can be assholes shocker!
You're being unreasonable.
But, I'm not sure how cool it is to bring a new person on a club holiday without checking with the group first. Depends on the group.
That said, I can see how, having declared your feelings for her, she might not want to be on a holiday with you without her partner.
Nothing really to add* other than love can be a terrible thing to deal with and I hope you get over her sooner rather than later.
* Well... I think you may be being a bit unreasonable. I doubt she's doing it to make you feel bad.
Actually I'm surprised she isn't going somewhere else with her fella.
My club mates are also not best pleased when they found out
TBH, this is the only bit that you aren't being unreasonable about.
Assuming it's actually a club event, and not just some people from the same club being on holiday at the same time in the same place.
after 3 years friendship.
3 years of hoping that she'd go out with you again?
I'm really not a fan of these teasers for the new "Friends" reboot.
Its not that she's being unreasonable, she's not in love with you.
I'm not sure you are being unreasonable either, just very naive.
Yes, you are being unreasonable. You were never an item, you were friends.
I had debated not going because it would be tough to be around her but thought what the hell, I’ve paid for it and whilst it would be tough to see her I just have to man up and get on with it
And she presumably paid for herself to go, so "man up" and get on with it".
How would you feel if the roles were reversed and she was insisting you couldn’t bring your new partner along? You would have to go and explain to the new person in your life that they couldn’t come on holiday with you because your ex might get a bit upset and start crying?
it’s a club cycling holiday we’ve had booked for a year. No other partners are coming along! I’m not saying she can’t go on holiday with him, she can go any time she’s wants. She takes numerous holidays a year. She wasn’t even planning to tell me, so id probably have found out at the departure lounge. Even if she insisted on taking him, surely it would have been fair to let me know!
Also, it ain’t just me that’s a bit put out by this. She never ok’d it with anyone going and it’s not gone down well
And no, if the shoe was on the other foot I would not have done that to her.
rest assured there will be no tears. I’m just angry!
I would guess you won’t be happy on this holiday.
Either make friends with her new bloke or don’t go.
rest assured there will be no tears. I’m just angry!
If there's any alcohol involved on this holiday, there will be tears.
Yes you are being unreasonable in your feelings towards her. She broke up with you years ago. In your head your 'relationship' broke up a month ago. But that never existed in reality beyond friendship and unrequited love.
whether she has broken an unwritten club rule in bringing a partner is another matter. But you appeared to have extended it anyway by previously planning on flying out sooner.
considering that you obviously think it's ok for her to fly out earlier with you (if solo) , are you staying at the same place as her? She may find it all a bit weird and stalkery.
If there’s any alcohol involved on this holiday, there will be tears.
And plenty of half wheeling.
How many of the others on this trip are women?
I really do not see she owes you much and your declarations of love might be very awkward for her indeed. This may be the only way she feels comfortable! 4 days with someone who she doesn't fancy but who has declared his love for her? For her it might be either miss the trip or bring him
You were never an item, you were friends.
well we actually were for just under a year
3 years of hoping that she’d go out with you again?
3 years of being her best mate. The person she came to stay with last year so I could look after her after her sister died. The person who she would always come to when things got a bit shit or she needed a help with anythjng. Yeah I wanted more but I was a very good mate to her. And sure I was naive and she probably took advantage to that. But I still think it’s pretty mean of her to completely disregard how I’d feel about him coming along
Anyways.. tough crowd as always..😂
you could invite her mother to join you,
bonus as she will spend the whole time telling her daughter off
I agree with most of the posters above, it's your problem not hers.
You're still grieving the relationship, so regardless or not you shouldn't be going away with her full stop. She has moved on, it's tough, but it's time for you to do the same.
Time will sort this, but you do need the time and space to get over this.
She's all loved up and wants to take her bloke on holiday. Can't believe you're not on tinder yet and enjoying yourself...
It's not an unreasonable personal emotional response. You're only human and it's a normal response if you're still struggling with it a bit. But it's not unheard of or unreasonable to invite a new partner to holiday with friends.
But that normally involves getting permission beforehand from all the holidayers (not you in particular). But they should be the ones to politely tell her to disinvite him, not you.
She may find it all a bit weird and stalkery.
eh? It was me who chose to go out before the rest of the group, she then decided to join me early. She was happy to come on holiday with me just the 2 of us only 3 months ago, and she knew perfectly well how I felt back then. So definitely not stalkers
I wouldn’t even be so pissed off if she rearranged to fly out with the rest of the group, at least then I could avoid the pair of them. She’s booked to sit next to me on the flight ffs!
surely it would have been fair to let me know!
It is, y'know, none of your business who she spends her time with. You don't have a relationship with her, she's free to do what she wants. You don't have to like it, or give your permission.
Sorry, sucks to be you, huh?
Been arranged for a year, with the pair of us due to fly out 4 days before everyone else.
Am I the only person thinking this is just plain weird given the history/context?
you're not *really* raging that she's bringing her new bloke along, if you were just friends you'd be happy for her, you're raging because he's taken the opportunity for you two to spend a few days together and you were seeing that as a tiny victory of your 'friendship' over her new relationship, and on top of that deep down inside there was the tiny whisper of a breeze of hope that something might happen because you were somewhere nice and all that and even though you knew it probably wouldn't there was still a hope, the same one that's been there the last three years. maybe she invited him because she knew this was going to happen and needed to put a stop to it, as others had said you should have discussed this and you're being incredibly naive if you thought you two could just be away for a few days together when there was a new man involved
but also she was incredibly rude in not telling your clubmates that she was bringing someone along to their group holiday
the best thing for your emotions is not to go, it sounds like she's ruined your holiday already, you may feel that you've 'lost' but it will be the best thing for you, you'll have to suck up the financial costs i'm afraid but this sort of thing always happens. it sounds like you're far more friends than she is and removing yourself from her orbit is more sensible in the long run
if you do go are you going to be chewing wasps all holiday and create an atmosphere or were you thinking you were going to turn up and still be the good 'friend' because her new man will feel it's all a bit weird. as it's a cycling holiday and you're men and there's egos involved you're going to try and beat each other up every hill and everyone will feel embarrassed anyway and wish neither of you had gone
I totally missed that bit.
Given the circumstances, I completely get how she might not feel comfortable on her own with you.
I'm guessing with a few months to go there's plenty of time for him to join the cycle club if that's a requirement of being on the trip.
A bit a waste of time saying this now, but fundamentally this is all fall out of you maintaining a close relationship with someone specifically on the off chance she'll want to rekindle a relationship with you. It's not worked. Your anger about this comes mostly from that rejection.
Personally....as the situation is mostly of your own making.....and it's you that it's messing with not her.....it's time to find a new cycling scene and new friends if she is part of your current setup.
but also she was incredibly rude in not telling your clubmates that she was bringing someone along to their group holiday
I kinda wonder if it was a kindness in doing it this way. In that she's not comfortable being alone with tpbiker, but she also doesn't want to air all the dirty laundry to the whole club.
YABU. For confirmation, post the same question on Mumsnet and gauge the reaction.
Am I the only person thinking this is just plain weird given the history/context
well again that was her choice to join me early. Not the other way round.
It is, y’know, none of your business who she spends her time with
It is when it’s a holiday we are going on together! How would you feel if a group of mates decided to go on holiday together and one of them just invited a random pal who everyone knew would make it awkward as anything. Also I should clarify, it’s not an official club holiday. It’s a group of 5 or 6 mates from the cycling club who go out every year together.
Tbh.. I’m not sure why the heck he’s want to come along given no one but her wants him there!
How about being happy for her and get to know this new person in her life? She may have chosen well and you may (learn to) like him.
Take comfort in knowing she is happy, yes your ego is hurt and that is difficult but don't let that stop you from being a good friend!
If the trip happens as currently planned it maybe useful to think through some 'if.... then' responses to situations you will find difficult!
Whichever way you choose I hope it works out for all of you!
If it's a club organised trip then she'd have to consult with the organiser to see if there was space available? If the club is organising everything and allowed this then their 'outrage' is rather hollow.
But the way it sounds is you're all sorting your own accommodation out - but going to the same place/hotel. She's already booked a room anyway and now she's taking her boyfriend for the ride.
Not a lot you can you can do really. Apart from a stick in his wheels on the first descent!
Bit awkward that you are travelling out 'together' earlier than the rest. But, she may also be uncomfortable now. See it as a few days where you can get some miles in, before the rest of the club arrive. If he's not a cyclist, then you are probably not going to see either of them when you are out for food/beer !
Tbh.. I’m not sure why the heck he’s want to come along given no one but her wants him there!
I think this was touched on earlier in the thread... IMHO, it's probably because he doesn't want her on holiday with an ex without him being there.
given no one but her wants him there!
And that's your answer 🙂 because they're a new couple and want to spend time together.
Cancel your flight, give him your seat next to her.... Go on a completely different trip and enjoy not being there. You can do it as nicely or simply as you want. But you seem to be making this more complicated than it needs to be.
Frankly, you're sounding more unreasonable with each post...
In that she’s not comfortable being alone with tpbiker
once again, she’s know how I felt about her for years yet has been happy to go on holiday with me before that
but fundamentally this is all fall out of you maintaining a close relationship with someone specifically on the off chance she’ll want to rekindle a relationship with you.
To an extend yes
Tbh.. I’m not sure why the heck he’s want to come along given no one but her wants him there!
You mean you don't want him there.
Put yourself in his position. Would you be happy that your new girlfriend is going on holiday with her ex, who has recently declared that he's still in love with her? I certainly wouldn't. But I suspect the main issue isn't him, it's that she's not comfortable with it either, hence bringing the new fella. I know you don't want to hear that, but thats likely the truth.
I can't even comprehend why you'd want to put yourself through this emotional torture in the first place, whether the new fella is there or not. It doesn't sound healthy for your own mental and emotional wellbeing
You need to forget her and move on with your life
Was going to post what JoB said and agree completely
Dude, you need to cancel the holiday. It was always a bit weird if you are honest wasn't it?
If you go, its not going to be any fun.
Sucks, but that's the way it is.
All you can do is to take control of your own destiny here.
What else are you expecting?
If he is a cyclist, gives you the opportunity to drop him on every hill to assert dominance. 🙂
You say that this lass is your friend - she's leant on you for support, you've given that. If there was never just an ulterior motive, and you cared for her unconditionally, then eventually you need to start just being content that she is happy. Single people find partners, who then join their friend group.
How would you feel if a group of mates decided to go on holiday together and one of them just invited a random pal who everyone knew would make it awkward as anything.
Had this happen on a trip my wife was organising once for a week sharing a house.
"I've invite Nick, hope that's okay.
Not really, he's a dick.
I can't uninvite him now.
Okay, here's all the planning info so far. We're not going. Not looking to fall out with anyone, but I don't wish to spend money on use holiday to be in his company."
We didn't go and that was the end of the matter. No drama, we're still friends.
I can’t even comprehend why you’d want to put yourself through this emotional torture in the first place, whether the new fella is there or not. It doesn’t sound healthy for your own mental and emotional wellbeing
Agreed. And because he’s going I probably won’t be. Which is the sensible option but annoys me given it’s my once a year holiday with my cycling chums.
You mean you don’t want him there
well they don’t want him there either tbf, and have stated as much. Partly because they think it’s rude she never asked them, and partly because, if he goes, as above I won’t.
Been arranged for a year, with the pair of us due to fly out 4 days before everyone else.
Am I the only person thinking this is just plain weird given the history/context?
Well... we've been told of at least one other person who probably thinks it's plain weird... and has done something about it.
well they don’t want him there either tbf, and have stated as much. Partly because they think it’s rude she never asked them, and partly because, if he goes, as above I won’t.
If they don't want him there, why haven't they told him/her?
Other people's lives are so needlessly complicated.
You should all go to bed early with no pudding
Politeness... the English disease... they'll probably do want tpbiker there, and not this new guy... but they don't want to upset anyone with action, not least the lady involved... so upsetting tpbiker with inaction is the polite default.
Partly because they think it’s rude she never asked them, and partly because, if he goes, as above I won’t.
Sounds like you've poisoned the well against him.
If they don’t want him there, why haven’t they told him/her?
Is the correct question/answer.. I think they're all having that discussion behind her back. Which is a bit pathetic really.
2 different Whatsapp groups, 1 with her and 1 without... i expect with very very different content
Why would the rest of the group care if he goes?
I think they must be nodding along with the OP or they must be a strange insular group!
If he is a cyclist, gives you the opportunity to drop him on every hill to assert dominance. 🙂
He might be a better rider than the OP and will just soft-tap up the climbs looking behind him with a smug look on his face! 🙂
Own up Aidy, you're the boyfriend aren't you?
Why would the rest of the group care if he goes?
Yeah. Quite.
Either they're aware of all the drama, which is unfair (to her). Or they've each secretly been hoping to chance their arm with her.
Sadly the outcome when you shit where you eat. I have a similar situation playing out in my riding circle, I have rediscovered the joys of solo riding these past few months to avoid the bullshit. 😂
Or they’ve each secretly been hoping to chance their arm with her.
Highly likely.
Look at the positives, you're not sharing a room with them so it's not as bad as it could have been
I'd consider that a poor move on her part if she didn't tell anyone before inviting a partner on a cycling trip, regardless of the past history there. In that case other clubmates should probably have had a quiet word. This is less about the club having an inner circle and more risk management in that he's an unknown, and relationship aside, he could just be a prick.
In your shoes, I know I'd not enjoy the holiday like that with the past history and would seriously consider not going.
Sounds like you’ve poisoned the well against him.
Not even close. I simply told them I wasn’t able to go if he was. They didn’t even know she had a bf until then. I have zero issues with the bloke, never met him, don’t want to meet him!
Politeness… the English disease… they’ll probably do want tpbiker there, and not this new guy… but they don’t want to upset anyone with action, not least the lady involved… so upsetting tpbiker with inaction is the polite default.
Quite possibly. Tbf they only found out yesterday so they may yet say something.
He might be a better rider than the OP and will just soft-tap up the climbs looking behind him with a smug look on his face! 🙂
Good point. OP, get onto Strava and look the bugger up. If he can hold 400 watts for 20 minutes, cancel your flight. 🙂
He might be a better rider than the OP and will just soft-tap up the climbs looking behind him with a smug look on his face! 🙂
trust me there no chance that would happen, I’m like a mountain goat. My only remaining motivation to go is so I can give him the ‘Armstrong stare’ as I drop him half way up the puig..😂
We've only got one side of this story, but I know I'm not the only one thinking 'hmm, awks...'
My view is that it's possible she's bringing her new partner along as a 'shield' or 'buffer zone'; she feels uncomfortable about you being there with your inability to resolve matters within yourself, and needs that added security. You're displaying signs of possible controlling behaviour, and are clearly still very angry and emotionally raw. Perhaps you'd find that some form of talking therapy service might help?
I can’t even comprehend why you’d want to put yourself through this emotional torture in the first place, whether the new fella is there or not. It doesn’t sound healthy for your own mental and emotional wellbeing
You need to forget her and move on with your life
This. It might not be what you want to hear, but it's definitely what you need to hear.
I have zero issues with the bloke, never met him, don’t want to meet him!
LOL so many contradictions there 😀
Not even close. I simply told them I wasn’t able to go if he was.
I would consider that poisoning the well.
The fair thing to do would have been "sorry guys, something came up and I can't make it"
Just another issue, but I doubt many of the cycling club members are too chuffed about finding themselves in the middle of an episode of Hollyoaks.
I know I'd be thinking 'FFS - I only get a week away like this once a year, I'd prefer it if none of them came'
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but its probably true