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got a mate who's had a few troubles over the years should we say, really bad at times. has a wife, grown-up family, successful business, but hits the wine hard from time to time, talking multiple bottles per day, hes been close to the end once or twice.
lost touch for a few years but when i heard how bad he was i got back in touch and we now have a group of us from the old days who meet up every month or so for a catch-up. then he usually either drinks in moderation or not at all, seems to be quite good at jacking it in if his body starts telling him to and drinking cokes while we have a few beers.
anyways, had a text from him tonight while i was at work saying he was in a bad way and wanted a mate to talk to.
rang him back straight away, he'd obviously had a blip, i asked him if he'd been at it all day (he had), tried to play it down a bit, his wife was there too, so just started chatting. wasnt really sure what he wanted out of the chat tho, bit of a reality check or a chat about nothing type thing, it was hard for me to read it. it got round to me talking about tomorrow being the first day of the rest of your life, never too late to change, we only get one shot etc etc.....
i got the impression tho that he maybe thought i was patronising him (i didnt intend to) and that it was maybe a bit too deep, and it probably was a chat about nothing he really wanted after all.
he thanked me and ended the chat soon after but i cant help worrying that i havent actually helped him at all. ive always thought im quite good at chatting openly and honestly to people, and not judging people in any way, but im left thinking he maybe does think i was being a bit patronising after all.
for those of you who have more experience of this, id be grateful to hear how i could have maybe handled it a bit better, its troubling me that i possibly wasnt there for him the way he was hoping i would be.
thanks
I think you should give yourself more credit - he contacted you looking for support and you phoned him. Meet up with him face to face to discuss any issues that may (or not) have arisen from the call.
Just text him and ask if he’s ok after you chatted ?
I think you should give yourself more credit – he contacted you looking for support and you phoned him.
That ^^
Whilst I can't directly relate, in that sort of situation the important point is that you were there, picked up the phone and listened. Anything else is gravy.
<rash generalisation for comic effect> If he wanted "aww, there there, that sounds terrible, have some ice cream," he'd have texted a female friend. </rash generalisation>
I have been in a very similar situation.
To be honest, it didn’t turn out all that well.
Be the friend that you want to be, step in with the ‘objective voice’ that he’s craving.
Ultimately, stay grounded. Whatever happens.
Best of luck.
Meet up with him face to face to discuss any issues that may (or not) have arisen from the call.
Just text him and ask if he’s ok after you chatted ?
Ultimately, stay grounded. Whatever happens.
thanks. ive texted him this morning asking how he is and offered to pop round on my way back from work today, i had a bit of a troubled night going over how i could have said things better, hopefully thatll come across better face to face and sober, with more of a 'mates' chat. i just dont want him thinking along the lines of "bloody hell, i was just a bit pissed and wanted a chat, i didnt expect doctor xxxxx in his white coat knocking on my door trying to fix me, give it a rest man!" it starts becoming a big thing then, which is probably counter-productive.
thanks for the advice.
Well done you for helping and your mate for asking, seems he is aware of the situation.
A friend of mine has an addiction problem but cannot talk sensibly about it, so whatever anyone around him tries to do to help, until he acknowledges the problem and wants to get better nothing will happen.
I think you have done the right thing, top man.
If he is a alcoholic (and I'm not doubting he is) then the only person who can stop the drinking is him. I had a similar conversation with someone a few months ago and now he is getting on top of his drinking. It wasn't my conversation with him that forced him to reassess his drinking but as one of a few voices that were telling him his drinking was becoming disruptive, I feel it was correct to have that conversation with him.
Good luck to your mate.
It can be very hard to reason with someone who is drunk. More so when they are an alcoholic drunk. You were there for your friend and you openly and honestly shared your thoughts and concerns. I think that would be why he called you. For your honesty and fairness. It might not be what he wants to hear but it might be what he wants. Knowing he has support is a big step to sorting out an addiction, isolation being one of the many symptoms. Well done for responding and being a good friend. AA can always offer you free advice.
Two things perhaps?
1) Was it his drinking he wanted to chat about or was his drinking the symptom of something that triggered it?
2) He might not have expected you call back straight away or been fuzzy and not realised his wife would then overhear?