[Closed] Alcohol problem - advice needed

The drinking is the side show, and making a fuss about it may not help. You need to get to the route of the issue. Time and talking is the only way this will happen - make the time one way or another.
Good luck.

I'd suggest IVF and too much booze really don't work well together!

a - with or without ivf, drinking to excess can, and probably will, harm the foetus
b - pissheads don't usually make good parents anyway
c - you said it yourself [i]there are major trust issues here[/i]

you need to talk to her and talk her into doing something about it, and make no mistake, you can discuss this on as many internet forums as you like, the problem is hers and until she realises that she has a problem, she will not start to address it.

Eek, poor you.

If this has been going on for year it is not a sideshow, it's a serious problem.

My dad was an alcoholic, and the only advice I have is tough love, it worked on my dad. I think he was told to shape up or ship out.

And there are lots of support services about for this kind of thing these days.

Time and talking ? Drinkers don't think straight. Off the booze, followed by counselling. Refuses to quit ? Leave her, don't get dragged down.

Good luck.

(I know that sounds really harsh but you did ask for advice and that is just one approach, I am sure there are many. My teenage years were blighted by my dads drinking problem and I have a bit of a zero tolerance policy sorry !)

She is now hiding her drinking from me

DING-A-LING-A-LING

Once this starts happening, you're onto a whole new level other than having a partner who likes the sauce a little too much.

Time for an intervention - I mean, she sounds like an alcoholic (albeit functioning for the time being) so she needs to accept this and seek treatment.

As someone else said, IVF and heavy drinking?!?!?!?!?!?!? Jeezus...your clinic staff aren't going to be too pleased about this, unless it's privately funded.

Some good advice on a thread I started about my brother.

[url= http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/dealing-with-an-alcoholic ]The thread is here.[/url]

Best of luck mate and I hope you have a better outcome. My brother was dead 12 months after I posted that.

These people will help you :

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Go and see your GP re the wife, ask their advice, especially seeing as though she is going to start IVF.

As above you need to find out what the real problem is, the alcohol is just the outward face of the problem. It could be depression, you, her job, any number of things...

What you describe sounds just like how my wife told me her exMIL was like. Sorry, but she's probably now alcholic, or near to. Get professional help.

marking the booze? poor it all away ffs

Ok i need to clarify a few things.

The drinking in the past has been heavy, as has been mine. But we have cut back considerably, to the point I think I could almost stop for good. She has cut back considerably. the only drink we have had in the last 3 weeks (or thought we had had) was 4 drinks last saturday, 2 drinks out and shared a bottle of wine at home.

The drinking recently is not heavy, just in secret and hidden from me. the fact that she stopped for a week and half does not say alcoholic to me, but the secret drinking/lieing suggest an alcohol problem. Quite different things.

We have not started IVF, and i know for a fact she would not drink during it and during any pregnancy.

She is an alcoholic, if you already have children then seek professional help and involve the rest of her family so that it is out in the open.

If you dont yet have children....leave.

The relationship sounds crap, living with an alcoholic is hellish and why on earth are you even considering bringing a child into this situation?!

She has made her choice, now make yours.

the fact that she stopped for a week and half does not say alcoholic to me

She could go one month/year and a half, and still be an alcoholic. Abstinence does not prove that someone is not an alcoholic, ability to completely control your drinking does.

Sounds like she is masking the loss of the miscarriage with alcohol. Added to her unhealthy attitude to alcohol and knowing her limits.

Do you mind me asking how old she / you are? Some people never grow up when it comes to alcohol.

Short term, cancel the IVF. She's not in the right place to be getting pregnant and having children. And your relationship isn't going to be fixed by kids. Get her some help. Doctor / counciling. That's if she's prepared to to get help.

Long term, if she's prepared to get help and both of you are prepared to work really hard, there maybe a future together. As it stands this is not the time to be starting a family.

Please ignore any or all of the above. This is just my opinion. Good luck.

I am not sure whether the drinking is the main problem here or you both sneaking around behind each others back - you marking and her drinking- is the main issue

I would talk to her and get help for you both/the relationhip
Good luck

My first piece of advice would be to get rid of ALL the alcohol in the house and for neither of you to drink any.

Then up need to have a sit-down and a good long talk - with professional counselling a possibility.

If she is stressed at work and now has the whole infertility/IF thing to deal with that can only be making things worse. But it seems like you really need to get to the root of the problem. That might be something as drastic as re-evaluating your desire for a family (e.g. which one wants it most?)

don't treat her like a child or resort to marking bottles etc, remove ALL the booze from the house. You need her to have a DRY environment at home.

Try to offer her as much support as you can, listen to her, she'll be going through hell and she needs your help to see a way out.

Tell her how much she means to you, tell her why you love her, help her see a better future rather than "confronting a problem".

Always try to push the positive, don't talk about the negative. Addicts don't care about the negative consequences, they need the promise of a better feeling than the one they are getting from the drug to escape their addictive behaviour.

I caught this on TV the other day, it might help: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p00wq21g/Russell_Brand_From_Addiction_to_Recovery/

Um....
My advice from the point of view of someone who sees the results of well intentioned attempts to stop drinking by going cold turkey is don't throw everything away and don't enforce abstinence.

Talk to the docs, etc. But beware of alcohol dependency; its not a simple matter.

IVF would be firmly put off the agenda. Deal with one thing at a time. Shes drinking for a reason. It must be awful for you OP 🙁

the fact that she stopped for a week and half does not say alcoholic to me

many alcoholics have periods of abstinence to "prove" whatever they wish to prove. having no drink is not too bad, having one is almost impossible.

*I'm no expert.

Alcoholic is not a nice word but it's the first step to realising there's a problem.

A friend of mrs rocket's was exactly the same as the OP's description - liked a drink, then took to taking a drink to work, ignored the warnings and disciplinary measures, went on long-term sick leave, carried on drinking and in the end drank herself to death - husband came home one day and found her lying there. Awful.

She was a lovely woman - outgoing, sociable, not at all weird - but lived another life wrt the drinking

based on your username I'm not really sure if this is a wind up or not, I'll assume not, where are you based? I know someone who might be able to help, she mentors and life coaches women in high pressured roles, some with addictions.

Go and see your GP re the wife, ask their advice, especially seeing as though she is going to start IVF.

I would agree with this advice, seek professional help.

The IVF process is not an easy journey for you both and it will test your relationship, it was a real emotional roller coaster ride for us both.

good luck btw

I would agree with this advice, seek professional help.

Seek help about your own behaviour as well, you come across as being quite controlling, which will just make everything 10 times worse.

Just a thought - I know nothing about this - if the OP goes alone to see the GP as I think is suggested, could that not automatically put the brakes on the IVF by the medical profession? Doing it that way may be seen by her as underhand. Would it not be better to tell her first and say the IVF shouldn't happen with the drinking out in the open?

The end result is the same it's just getting there is different.

I really don't know but it was what occurred to me.

Alcoholism runs deep in my family. It is such a destructive force, and very hard to get off.

I agree with seeking help asap. The key is trying to understand the underlying causes which is the path to altering behavior. Is it really work stress? Doubtful, but if so then solution is obvious, find something else she enjoys doing.If it other issues then counseling and perhaps CBT can be really helpful.

Good luck

Seek professional advice.
Do NOT bring a child into this.

show her this information before you start IVF;

[i]The main effect of FAS is permanent central nervous system damage, especially to the brain

The presence of FAS facial features indicates brain damage, though brain damage may also exist in their absence. FAS facial features (and most other visible, but non-diagnostic, deformities) are believed to be caused mainly during the 10th and 20th week of gestation.

Other conditions may commonly co-occur with FAS, stemming from prenatal alcohol exposure. However, these conditions are considered Alcohol-Related Birth Defects[4] and not diagnostic criteria for FAS.

Cardiac — A heart murmur that frequently disappears by one year of age. Ventricular septal defect most commonly seen, followed by an atrial septal defect.
Skeletal — Joint anomalies including abnormal position and function, altered palmar crease patterns, small distal phalanges, and small fifth fingernails.
Renal — Horseshoe, aplastic, dysplastic, or hypoplastic kidneys.
Ocular — Strabismus, optic nerve hypoplasia[38] (which may cause light sensitivity, decreased visual acuity, or involuntary eye movements).
[/i]

[img] [/img]

[url= http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetal_alcohol_syndrome ]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetal_alcohol_syndrome[/url]

My wife has taught children with this condition they're properly f*cked up, tbh.

So sorry to hear your news Lowey. Hope you / his wife / family are doing okay.

Very sad.

It's a very, very difficult situation and I'd suggest that adding to the guilt load may well push her further into secretive drinking.

As others have said, it's a bit of a sideshow. There's far deeper issues going on here which are at the root of it. She's had a miscarriage in the last year, she probably feels awful about it and alcohol is providing some element of escape.

I really wish you luck with this, but your wife needs to turn the corner and deal with it before you can move on. The IVF deadline is very unhelpful, but with her self esteem at this point she needs to learn to respect herself again before she can even begin to think about those who will be dependent on her at some point in the future.

FWIW, I'm now three months into complete abstinence. I too had gotten to a stage where I was dependent on alcohol as a form of escapism and it had began to impact on my own relationships quite significantly.

Ignore the people who say you need to get to the root of the problem.. For now, the addiction IS the problem and anything else needs to be put aside.

Get her to the GP. He'll give her something the calm the craving and refer her to a councillor who will help her manage the problem. It will also give your wife someone confidential and outside the family friend circle to confide in. It'll be hard, but let her go alone. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't even think about starting a family until her drink problem is well and truly behind her.
Having kids is majorly stressful and could very well make her problem worse.

The drinking recently is not heavy, just in secret and hidden from me.

If she's not drinking heavily, but a normal sensible amount, why does she feel the need to hide it?

I was in two minds whether to post this, but what the hell.

For long and boring reasons, I went through a phase a few years back where I was drinking every night, usually to excess. My OH got more and more angry and frustrated with me, usually with good reason, but it got to a point where she'd give me a hard time if I had anything to drink at all. Rightly or wrongly, I didn't really see a problem with having one pint on a Saturday night, so then I started getting cheesed off as well.

Because I was getting so much grief for it, I stupidly took to covering it up. This culminated in my lying to my partner about it when confronted, and getting caught out. We almost broke up over that; not the drinking per sé, but the lying.

For me, that was enough of a wake-up call. I couldn't believe what I'd become, what I'd been prepared to do and what it had nearly cost me, and for what? Just not worth it.

Since then, I've got it back under control. The associative, habitual drinking, where I'd get a drink because I was cooking or because it was that time of the evening, has stopped. This for me was the big one; I was starting drinking of an evening without really thinking about it or sometimes without even wanting to. I was going "I'll just have one," then thinking "ooh, that was nice, I'll just have one more" and then the wheels come off and self control goes out of the window. Rinse and repeat.

The getting blotto for the sake of it has now stopped. I'll have a drink now on a weekend evening, sometimes; but it'll be [u]a[/u] drink, or two maybe, rather than an exercise in how rapidly I can get smashed because it's Friday and that's what you do on Friday. I'll go out with a mate maybe once a month and we'll probably sink six pints, but that's atypical and it's a conscious decision to do so.

I'll not lie though, it was bloody hard. Breaking conditioned responses and habits took me months. I think I finally understand now what people go through when they quit smoking or start dieting. For me, I had to allow myself the occasional slip without me making it being a big deal. I couldn't do it cold turkey, I didn't want to give up drinking, I just needed to be back in charge of it.

I still like a drink. I've got a beery weekend with friends planned this very weekend, but then I'll probably not touch a drop until next weekend where I might have a glass of wine with the OH. Or I might not. And I'm comfortable with that.

Looking back now, I don't think I was actually alcoholic. But I was probably getting as close as I ever want to get to it. What snapped me out of it was the sudden realisation that my behaviour just wasn't acceptable, and I just wasn't prepared to live like that. What didn't work for me was getting told off every time I looked sideways at a packet of wine gums.

So I think where I'm going with this is, the whole marking bottles thing needs to stop. Her sneaking around behind your back needs to stop. You both need to try and start trusting each other again. I don't believe that the way you're going about it currently is going to succeed. She needs to be open and honest about what she's doing, and she needs help and support from you with what's really going on.

Ultimately, why is she drinking? Upset? Depressed? Stressed? Bored? Habit? All those things can be addressed once they're identified. My drinking was a symptom of unrelated issues, and then grew out of habit to become a problem of its own. If I'd addressed the initial problems I suspect it would never have got to the point it did.

<sits down again>

Anyway my wife seems to have developed a bit of a drinking "problem". She has always had issues with alcohol in that she does not know her limits and regularly drinks too much where she will fall asleep on the sofa friday/Saturday nights, blaming it on the stress of her job etc.

It does sound to me like she has a problem (watering gin/hiding wine bottles is a serious conscious effort to hide the amount she is drinking) but how bad it is can only really be determined by herself and professional help. There is certainly no way you should be contemplating IVF under the current circumstances and as per recommendations above, you really need professional help to bring it out in the open and tackle this and any other problems there are.

Good luck, and I really mean that, it's an awful situation to be in.

She is showing the symptoms of serious alcohol addiction.

She needs you help and medical help. When you married her you stood up in front of your families and friends and swore an oath, which included the words "in sickness and in health". Do everything you possibly can to hep her but do not bring a baby into the world. If she is not willing to deal with her illness by seeking professional help, it's time to leave her and start a new life. End of.

My take on this is that concealing the amount she drinks implies she knows she drinks too much,and is unable to control it,so feels she needs to hide it.Whatever her problems are,she will find them difficult to deal with if regularly inebriated,getting her and yourself dry should be a priority.Most areas have alcohol advisory services,which you and her can self refer to,without informing your GP,if you feel this would be an obstacle to her seeking help.The IVF process can be hugely stressful to couples,and drinking is unlikely to help.My best wishes to both of you,you have some difficult times ahead.
Ian

The IVF probably won't work anyway as alcohol reduces the chances of success dramatically.

ernie_lynch - Member

She could go one month/year and a half, and still be an alcoholic. Abstinence does not prove that someone is not an alcoholic, ability to completely control your drinking does.

In a nutshell, this. I am an alcoholic, its just that my last drink was 1 year 8 months and 24 days ago (FWIW I took up biking). I understand I will never drink alcohol again and I am now fine with that. My situation was similar but I had noone to help me. BTW I went cold turkey, but thats how I chose to do it.

All alcoholics are different and react differently. Talk to your wife tonight / now, tell her that you are willing to do everything to help her but tell her she needs to stop drinking NOW. She can do it, it will be tough and terrifying for her, but if it works both your lives will be better.

Don't guilt trip her, or bring the IVF up right now (not belittling the issue but she is for now more important than the IVF, IMO) until you know she can cope with it. Then deal with the underlying issues. Be prepared for set-backs so pour the booze away as soon as you've talked to her. And ring the AA first thing tomorrow.

Stick with her, and please don't walk away as she is your wife - unless she would walk away from you.

And don't forget yourself OP, you can do this, stay positive, but remember for at least 6 months you won't be able to keep drink in the house. Good luck 🙂

[edit]

I did the whole 'watering down vodka with water', I now realise I did it knowing I had a problem. Believe me, your wife knows she has a problem - she wont admit it at first though.

Well said Cougar, I'd started getting a bit that way myself, one or two each night leading to more, its unbelievable how easy it is to fall into it! Luckily I've realised and managed to sort it before it gets serious!

I would seriously cancel the ivf, as its a waste of time and money for all concerned, your wife is a drunk, just like the ones you see on the street, just she can afford to buy and hide better quality stuff.

She need s treatment for her addiction fast before she looses her driving licence, her job, and you.

Sorry to be so blunt but thats life, seen it before with patients i worked with and freinds.