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Over the last few months I've been tentatively starting a new relationship. I'm rather cautious for a few reasons - I love my independance and autonomy, spend most of my time cycling, hiking, climbing etc, and am very wary of getting hurt.
Having met this guy, I'm aware that I'm getting more involved. Which in many ways is great - he makes me laugh, feel very special, and also gives me the space I need to have my own interests (it helps that he's a competative cyclist which is his main focus).
So everything should be fine and dandy ... apart from my feeling that he is on the "rebound" and this is a transitional relationship for him. He was married for 27 years, separated from his wife only 8 months ago. He has moved out, but only just down the road, and obviously still cares very deeply about his ex (who sounds like a lovely woman). He did see someone very briefly last summer, which didn't work out as he said it was too soon for him.
We've talked a bit about it, and he says he's clear that he doesn't think (want?) to get back together with his wife, but at the same time they live only a few streets away and he doesn't consider that they would get divorced. Having gone through the whole seperation process myself, I know how long and difficult a journey it can be, and I think there's a strong possibility that I am a "stepping stone" on his journey.
So, from a guy's persective / your experiences - would you have "moved on" 9 months after seperating? Is it possible to be ready to start something new at that point? Or should I get out now before I get more involved and inevitably get hurt?
Walk.Sue_W - Member
he doesn't consider that they would get divorced.
No - run.
Edit: FWIW, I met my current wife about 6 months after I'd split from my 1st wife. Mind you, that relationship had been "over" for a while before we finally separated.
Run, faster than druidh suggests
In the words of Mr F Mercury (and somewhat more appropriately) Just get on your bike and ride. Away.
Tough to tell tho druid day have a point, and the numbers do point that way, unless he'd gotten over his marriage before separating.
why on earth would he not want to get divorced from his ex unless he thinks he might want to get back with her ? 'cake and eat it' ?
It does sound like he is still unclear and has not "moved on" completely.
Sounds like your caution and wariness might be a good idea but I am not sure walking away now "just in case" is the right thing
It's almost impossible to tell - maybe you're the right one rather than a stepping stone. Who knows? You're certainly in a far better position than us to judge, no matter how much information you provide us with. Neither do I see why you're less likely to get hurt if you get involved with somebody who isn't just coming out of a long term relationship.
Sorry to be of so little help - I don't think this is one the STW hive mind can do much with though. I suppose if it is of any help, I was still living in the same house as my ex (and actually sharing a tent with her on a weekend away) when I met mrs aracer 17 years ago.
I don'think the time is an issue; if you findthe right person time doesn';t matter IMO but 'doesn't consider getting divorced' - how does that even work if you've split up?
it helps that he's a competative cyclist which is his main focus
And you say this like it is a good thing?
.....but - I'd go with what TJ said
Suspect that the above are right in that he clearly hasn't moved on yet.
BUT, while it's a gamble, that doesn't mean that he won't move on and being with you may well be the impetus to do it. Really it comes down to whether you actually see behaviour that points to you being second best or a stepping stone rather than convincing yourself that that's the case and then going down in a spiral of negative thinking about it...
Nothing ventured and all that.
Why did he leave her after so long? If it's something you can say on a public forum? I'd not be massively bothered about the divorce thing, but that's a lot of history.
If it's fun then have some fun, but keep some distance?
You may be a lovely woman SueW but you sound like hard work. I'd advise him to be cautious of getting too attached.
he doesn't consider that they would get divorced.
That rings massive alarm bells...
You may be a lovely woman SueW but you sound like hard work. I'd advise him to be cautious of getting too attached.
😆
Its the 'not getting divorced' thing that I can't get, and I wouldn't feel secure in a relationship where one person feels that they are still married to someone else 😕
But on the flip side, i met my present partner just over a year after he had split from a 12 year relationship. They have two children together and he said certain things (like saying neither he nor his ex would ever remarry) when I met him that made me very cautious too. However two years down the line he is now divorced, i have moved in and things are good. He admits that he has moved on a great deal since we met and there is no reason why this can't happen with your guy.
Don't just rely on what he says, you can tell more about how people feel by how they act towards you. If it feel good and fun and a nice place to be just now then maybe just enjoy it and see how things go...
as a bloke i know i'd be much more likely to be honest and calmer when it came to discussing this if i thought the lady had come to me and been honest about her feelings and concerns so we could discuss them together.
asking advice from strangers and making a decision based on that advice instead of pressing me for some clear and honest answers to base a decision on would not be a good foundation to build a constructive and honest discussion on.
A friend at uni had "the 15% rule"
27 years times 0.15 = 4 years, so run away!
He on the other hand used it for the opposite, within 15% girls were in the rebound phase and unlikely to form and emotional attachment!
You've let him see your monkey, haven't you? 😀
Relax a bit, stop stressing about it, what will be will be, and you'll never know if it's going to work unless you give it a go.
😆 @ R_B
Are you having fun just now? Do you want to get more involved?
If you are having fun then go with it, if not then call it quits. Nine months may be enough time for some guys, nine years may not be enough time for some guys, depends on the guy and the circumstances.
Rubber_Buccaneer - Member
You may be a lovely woman SueW but you sound like hard work. I'd advise him to be cautious of getting too attached.
I disagree, to be honest that sounds like how a relationship should work,or how it should work for me, but then I am the person that will walk away for my own sanity at the first sign of a major issue
If their marriage was over a long time before they officially split up, then i don't think timescale is that relevant, it all depends on circumstances in their split really.
My mum and dad split up late last year, after 36 years together. It had been over for ages (like since my younger sister was born, so around 28 years!!) but they aren't getting divorced, even tho she's now living with another bloke. I can't get my head round that (both her living with somone else and the non divorce bit!).
he doesn't consider that they would get divorced.
I couldn't date a bloke who said that.
Tough one, especially if you have a 'feeling' about being a rebound vs being happy. 😐
I'm not teaching you to suck eggs or owt, but you seem to be underestimating the amount of time it might take to adjust after a 27 year marriage.
He was married for 27 YEARS. I think you are being unrealistic in expecting him to be completely over it in the space of 8 months.
Try and think about it a bit less, and go with the flow. If it doesn't work out, you've not lost anything - you've just had a richer experience.
Sue, I'm in a very similar situation. Wife left me last Jan and couple of months ago she moved to with 300 yards of me. I was gutted when she left, but over the course of a few months last year, realized that I am much much happier. However, we are on EXCELLENT terms. Firm friends and a lot of people have expressed a great deal of surprise over this.
I would say that you need to get to the bottom of his statement about the divorce. I'm not divorcing my ex till next January as that is when the two year separation kicks in. We don't want to go down the "adultery" or "unreasonable behavior" route. So it may well be that he is just biding his time. Just because people dont get divorced does not mean that they are itching to get back together. Like I say, I get on well with the ex but I would no way have her back.
You usually get a gut feel for these situations, especially if you are getting close. In all honesty, I'd ignore any advise on here you may get and go with your gut feeling.
At our age we do have a lot a barriers put up around us to stop hurt, I did anyway, but having just met a girl (from your neck of the woods actually), they are well and truly down and it feels great.
If it feels good / right... go with it. You'll never know if you dont try.
go with your gut feeling
This is the best bit of advice anyone will give you, I think.
I wouldn't read anything into the divorce thing. Like a marriage certificate, its a piece of paper. Another expensive one at that. And, as has been noted, it takes some time to adjust
He will be adjusting to changed circumstances, but emotionally he must have made the (very difficult) decision to separate, after the relationship had been over for a while. We're blokes. We don't rush into things.
My better half is still officially 'married' to someone she left many years ago. Its a piece of paper. And like most people, I can think of better things to spend a few grand on.
My advice would be to stick with it.
Lots of reasons not to get divorced. When my parents split up, they remained reasonably civil, stayed married as it was easier to sort paperwork and joint assets out, neither could afford, or wanted to sell the family home etc. Only got divorced when my mum wanted to remarry.
In fairness to this guy, pretty much everyone is on the rebound from someone/thing. When I met my wife, I'd just made the decision to let possibly the love of my life (up to that point) move to london without me (as in I didn't go to, rather than revoking her permission!). I was very much "on the rebound" As was she, coming out of a 10 year relationship where she fully expected the guy to call up at any moment and get back together. It was weird at first, but also refressing as we could get to know each other without the normal pressures of time and commitment, and once we knew we wanted to commit to each other, we'd already gone through a fairly long relationship together.
I can't tell you what to do, but in my mind it goes one of two ways, either you break it off with this guy and it hurts, or you don't break it off and it might hurt later. Or it might not. Or you might get kidnapped by an Ostrich and never see him again anyway?