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Woman - “Do I look fat in this dress?”
Man - “Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?”
Woman - “Yes, I promise!”
Man - “I ****ed your sister”
Who wants to start?
Patient: "I feel kind of blue.
Psychiatrist: "You have mild davis".
Anyone?
I recently bought a dog from a blacksmiths.
took it home and the first thing it did was make a bolt for the door.
Three films likely to appeal to a Yorkshireman:
Truly, Madly, Keighley.
The Full Bronte
Eeeee. Tea.
Where do you buy camel milk from?
A dronedairy
Someone must have a joke!
😉
Two blondes walk into a building.
Surely one of them must have seen it?
Went to the zoo yesterday and was disappointed as they only had 1 dog on display
It was a shitzu
3 blondes walking through a forest come across some tracks...
"Bear" says the 1st blonde..
"Fox" says the 2nd..
The 3rd blonde gets down on her knees to have a closer look when all 3 are killed by a train..
From my 6 yo daughter yesterday:
"What do you call a sheep with no face, no legs and no ears?"
"A cloud" 🙂
Knock knock
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it
Unless you've been on this road, you might not understand.
Mother Superior and a nun on a Tandem were going through Alston in Cumbria, as they decended into the town, the nun says, "I've never come this way before", Mother Superior piped up, "it's probably the cobbles"!
Father O'Reilly is out on his rounds in his Galway parish
He pops into to see Farmer Seamus
As he sits down with the farmer and his wife. He can't help but notice a pig wandering round outside with a wooden leg.
"Seamus." enquires the intrigued priest "Why has the pig got a wooden leg?"
"Well, Father," replies the farmer. "Let me tell you about that pig there. Two nights ago we had a fire in the barn. Didn't we Mary"
"We did, We did Father", Mary responds.
"Me little boy Tim, who you'll remember from first Communion last year, was in the barn, and that pig trotted into the barn and pulled little Tim out. Didn't it Mary"
"It did, it did Father!", Mary dutifully responds
"Sure, that's an amazing story Seamus, thank God that little Tim is okay." exclaims Father O'Reilly "But it doesn't explain the wooden leg."
"Well," says Seamus "You wouldn't eat a pig like that all at once!"
Did you hear about the one legged woman who got a job at the brewery?
She was in charge of the hops.....
What have George Michael and a pair of wellingtons got in common?
They’ve both been sucked off in bogs.
@lovewookie stop stealing my material!
https://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/pundown-you-muddy-funsters/#post-10100620
my grandfather has been diagnosed with parkinson's
he just cannot stop interviewing people now
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot
Patient: Doctor doctor i have a speech impediment, I can’t say C,S, F, and Th
Doctor: Hmm...you can’t say fairer than that then
I got a letter from the Blood Transfusion service that said I was "Blood Type E" I rang them and said there must be some mistake as I'd never heard of Type E, they apologised and said it must've been a Type O.
@CaptainFlashheart don't blame me, I stole it from dadsayjokes on instagram.:-)
😁
As my old dad used to say, “The first rule of theatre is to leave them wanting more
Great man, terrible anaesthetist.
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The family weren't happy I'd put ginger in the curry.
Apparently the kids really loved that cat.
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My three favourite things are eating dogs and not using commas.
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I accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
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To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run
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A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.
So, if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning
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Little known fact is that Danny Wellbeck’s dad Stan used to be a bomb disposal engineer.
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're asleep or awake. Or if you operated on the right patient.
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Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?
You may be entitled to personal Ian Dury compensation.
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Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they return they can Scandinavian.
Roman Bardet
Greek by night
What's every mountain biker's favourite breakfast?
Shredded Wheat.
What's brown and sounds like a bell
Dung
I phoned the RSPCA and told them that there was a polecat clinging onto my ceiling fan.
They said they didn't believe me.
I said you'll just have to take my whirred ferret.
I told my wife a joke about bukkake.
It went right over her head.
I am on the run from the police for stealing inflatables from swimming pools.
I've gotta Lilo.
The inflatable boy was sent to the inflatable headmasters office because he'd brought a drawing pin into the inflatable school.
"You've let me down, you've let yourself down and you've let the whole school down"
What do cows like to watch on telly?
Moovies.
My mate told me in the pub last night that he was a little bit confused. He said to me his wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to stay at my mum's."
He said ,"I'm not sure what she was talking about, when I opened up the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold."