[Closed] A man is sitting in a seafood restaurant...

I believe that's an instant banning.

BRAVO! BRAVO! ENCORE ENCORE!!!!

Reported for being awful

I loved the 80's 🙂

wtf seriously wtf have we gone back in time? Is there a Hilman Avenger in the car park????

Stealing this 😆

Timeless classic. Well done.

Two chaps meet in the street. One produces, from his trouser pocket, a rather poorly-looking octopus and hands it over, saying, "here's the sick squid I owe you!"

I'm too sleepy to do the work, so here is a punchline I just thought of:

lick squid diet.

Right. You, on the naughty step....

Abcess makes the fart go Honda.

"How many letters are in the alphabet? 22, cuz E.T. went home and somebody shot J.R."

Sheep farmer in a field with his sheep and his sheep dog, doing whatever should be done, when a passer by, on his way to the seafood restaurant in town, happens to hear the farmer call the dog "Bra". Filled with curiousity, the passer by asks the farmer, why have you named your sheep dog, "Bra".

Farmer replies: "I named my sheep dog Bra, as he rounds them up and points them in the right direction".
😐

[i]Abcess makes the fart go Honda. [/i]
Did you post that, using an apple device?

A husband and his wife are walking along Brighton beach when a seagull flying overhead poops, comprehensively splattering the man.
"Do you want some tissue, luv?" asks the wife.
"Nah, it's too late dear." says the husband. "It's flown away!"

"How many letters are in the alphabet? 22, cuz E.T. went home and somebody shot J.R."

No, 21 cos the angel said "no L"

You can't have your kayak and heat it too

More!

Brilliant!

I luv cheesy jokes 😆

"Dad said it would take the contagious to do that"

thank you, for years all i have been able to remember of that joke is 'mild green hairy lipped squid'

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Reported.

[img] [/img]

bikebouy:

More! Brilliant!

I luv cheesy jokes.

/Hijack

I would email/PM you this, but no info in profile and this board is hanging onto the 80s, so no PMs. What hub is the rear on your TCX? I know the front is 15mm, but what's the rear? QR? 12mm?

A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"

The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.

Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.

The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border!"

The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.

At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I'll take you both on!"

And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.

Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.

The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. "Shhhh!", says the dual carriageway, "Watch what you say, that guy's a real cycle path."

Once upon a time two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries ."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
After a while Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates swam away whenever he came close to them.
This made Justin very sad.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He begged the cod to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he was a prawn once more.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend became a shark", came the reply.
Justin set off to find Christian .
He banged on the door of Justin’s house and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
"[b]I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian[/b]!"

bruneep reported for swear filter evasion 😉

Dear God, cougar. Actually, up until the punch line, that sounds like one of my dreams.
Well, if we're doing old jokes from the eighties...
How many rock stars can you get in a mini? Five...two in the back, two in the front and John Lennon in the ash tray.

...and a fave of mine that used to appear in rag mags of the era:
An American tourist is walking along a street in Dublin. He stops a local and says, "excuse me sir, what does that yellow line painted along the edge of the road mean?"
The fellow says, "ah, sir, that means no parking at all."
"I see," says the tourist, "and what does it mean if there are two yellow lines?"
"Ah, that means no parking at all, at all!"

A blind man walks into a bar.....

and a table.....

and a chair.....

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

Just the punchline to this one;

'Pardon me boss, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes'

Full joke;

The Romans, in an effort to keep up with the speedier Egyptian boats, build a super long Long Boat with hundreds of slaves to row it.
On it's maiden voyage, the Roman captain stands at the rear of the ship, but there is a problem because the slaves at the front are so far away they can't hear the beat of the bong at the back of the ship which gives them the rhythm to row to.
The Captain is not to be defeated by this and he gets a much larger bong, but the slaves still can't here it.
The captain decides to move the bong to the middle of the ship but it is so heavy they can't move it. He orders a slave to be killed, they place the bong on his chest and start to drag it to the middle of the ship.
At this point a general turns up and asks the captain what on earth they are doing.
'We're dragging a bong on the chest of a slave and the sun is in the sky'

Both punchlines need to be sung 😀

There was a bear and a rabbit who hated each other and one day, walking through the forest they lived in they found a magical lamp. After a bit of fighting over it the bear took it and rubbed it, hoping for a genie to come out. When the genie came out of his lamp he promised the bear and the rabbit three wishes for each for releasing him from his lamp.
The bear immediately said “I want all the bears in this forest to be female” The genie granted his wish.
The rabbit thought about what to ask for a while and finally said “I want a motorbike helmet”. The helmet appeared in front of him and he promptly put it on his head.
The bear was confused about the rabbit’s wish but carried on with his second wish. “I want all the bears from the neighbouring forests to be female”.
The rabbit then said “I want a motorbike”.
The bear just couldn’t believe how strange the rabbit’s wishes were and shaking his head wished “I want all the bears in the world to be female” and the genie granted his wish.
The rabbit got on his new bike and rode off, and when he was some 50 metres away from the bear he yelled “I wish that the bear was gay!!”

True story this one, yesterday morning I woke up and ploughed both feet though a pile of cat sick, muttered to myself "sick feet chunder", nearly made it worthwhile.

I have never been so disappointed

[i]"sick feet chunder", [/i]

I'll get your coat, for you.
😆

I hate being bipolar it's awesome!

Ahh, the 80's

Duran Duran on their latest world tour played 10 consecutive nights in Cancun at the end of which they were knackered. Back at the hotel they decide to have a quiet night. It's late and the restaurant is closing so they send their favourite roadie, Arthur, to find them something to eat.

An hour later he returns with a basket of fruit as it was all he could find and four of the band dive in whilst Simon Le Bon is in the toilet. By the time he emerges there's only a couple of prickly pears left. "I can't eat those spiky things" he says so Arthur offers to remove the prickles. "It'll only take me five minutes" he says to which Le Bon replies, "I'm too tired to wait. Don't shave a pear for me now, shave it in the morning, Arthur".

I don't get the first squid joke 😕

Oh god, I'm so old and sad I understand the Duran Duran joke.... 😳

bikebouy:

More! Brilliant!

I luv cheesy jokes.

"Bobby Sands has eaten all the sandwiches!"

Very popular in Mount Carmel RC Junior School at the time...

Two chaps meet in the street. One produces, from his trouser pocket, a rather poorly-looking octopus and hands it over, saying, "here's the sick squid I owe you!"

that doesn't even work. for it to be remotely funny it needs to be set in the ocean.

annebr, it's supposed to be '6 quid'

Mount Carmel RC Junior School

I live just round the corner from there. Toffee Hill, we used to call it.

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Police have warned the public to be on the look out for a Muslim man and a rodent with an eye patch who are on the loose.

The Public are advised not to approach the pair if they are seen as they're Ahmed and Dangermouse.

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

A guy goes to the doctor. "Doctor," he says. "I need your help. I think I'm a moth."

"I can't help you, " says the doctor. "I'm just a general practitioner. You need a psychiatrist."

"Well, I was on the way to the psychiatrist," says the guy, "but then I saw your light was on..."

A farmer is leaning on a gate watching his dog lick its nether regions.

A townie walks up,leans on the gate and joins him in warching the dog.

After a few minutes the townie sighs and says "I wish I could do that."

The farmer looks at the townie and replies "I'm sure be would let you if you gave him a biscuit."

I was in China last year. I wasn't having any luck with the ladies, then I found a book called How To Woo, so I bought it thinking it might help me with my seduction techniques.

Turns out it was just Volume 2 of the Chinese phone book...

Cougar's on a roll (missed vocation me thinks).

A policeman stopped a mate of mine for speeding and says he's going to give him a ticket.

My mate, ever the wag, says "oh goody, is it a raffle?"

"Sort of, sir," replies the copper, "three more of these and you get a push bike."

Two blokes in a graveyard pass each other, walking their dogs.

First bloke says to the second: 'Morning...'

Second bloke replies: 'No, I'm just here walking the dog.'

A man crashed his mountain bike, died, and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. He looks closer and spots a clock which is set at midnight. "whose clock is that?" he asks.

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Amazing." says the man. "Hey listen, I used to be a keen cyclist, and I was wondering... could I see Lance Armstrong's clock?"

"Sorry mate, that's off limits. We keep Armstrong's clock in Jesus's office, he uses it as a ceiling fan."

😆

These are brightening up my meetings no end!

Last day before a few weeks off and these are cheering me up no end.. 😀

Bloke is walking down the road and sees an advert in a shop window for a cock sucking frog. He gives it a test run and, fully satisfied, takes it home to his wife who asks "What am I supposed to do with that?"

"Teach it to cook and then **** off."

Yorkshire man takes his ill cat to the vet. He says to him:

"Got problem wit' cat"

Vet: "Is he a tom?"

Man: "No, he's here in't basket".

I'm here all week, try the fish. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

Mildly embarrassed to say that I properly lol'd at the OP, in the office.

warton - Member

Two chaps meet in the street. One produces, from his trouser pocket, a rather poorly-looking octopus and hands it over, saying, "here's the sick squid I owe you!"

that doesn't even work. for it to be remotely funny it needs to be set in the ocean.

annebr, it's supposed to be '6 quid'

nah I meant the hairy lip squid. 😕

for annebr @45s as it gets stripped off the URL for some reason

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a s****y new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's Incredible!"

Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!

So, they walked past it again...

I remember the punch line to the Duran Duran joke, infact it's how I sing the song, but I couldn't recall the rest of the joke. Thanks!

This one's for "Torminalis", mostly.

A bloke comes home and finds his wife laughing her head off.

When he asks what gives, she says "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery."

He says "Great. Where are we going?"

So she says:

"What do you mean, [i]we[/i]"...

Now that one works better with
"Pack your bags, I've won the lottery."
"What do I pack? winter clothes, summer clothes?"
"Just pack the lot and **** off."

"kayak23 - Member
Timeless classic. Well done.
POSTED 1 WEEK AGO # REPORT-POST"

Shirley the fairy liquid gag has a pretty defined timeframe: when they stopped using the slogan or when people stopped doing washing up by hand, whichever came first?

two guys walking past a pub and one says look at this sign pint pastie and blowjob £4 lets go and investigate they go into pub and and theres a goegues busty blonde behind the bar cani help she says just saw the sign in the window thats right she says offer to get punters in here hmmm bloke says who gives the blow job me says fit busty blonde

struggling to get £4 out of his pocket as fast as he can his mate pipes up hold on a minute i have a question yes sure what is it say busty blonde guy asks is it a ginsters pastie

Comedy is all about [s]timing[/s] punctuation...

Comedy is all about timing punctuation...

"God says to Noah, "Noah, the world is full of evil. I intend to flood it and drown everything on it. Only your family will be spared. I want you to build an ark and fill it with two of every kind of animal."
Noah says, "Yes, Lord!" But secretly he's a bit peed off because he wanted to go mountain biking. So he leaves building the ark until the last minute, and what with fettling his bike and so on it ends up a bit of a rush job.
Well, the storm clouds are gathering so he starts rounding up two of every kind of animal and herding them onto his ramshackle ark. On they go, two by two, except for the gorillas. They are about to embark but one of them takes a look at the state of the vessel, jumps onto Noah's mountain bike and pedals off.
"Where's he going?" Noah's wife (Nellie) asks the other gorilla.
"Oh, he's just realised," the Gorilla replies, "Noah's Ark is worse than his bike!"

Comedy is all about [s]timing [/s]punctuation...

Just what I was about to write!

for the op [img] [/img] 😀

A bear needs to take shit in the woods so he goes behind a tree to make his deposit, a rabbit appears from around the tree and ask what he's doing.. The bears replies with "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" "No" says the Rabbit. So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.

i dont want to start any rumours but i think mav12 once helped his uncle jack off a horse

😉

[img] [/img]

that is wrong. either uncle shouldn't be capitalized or the commas are redundant

A fine punchline if you know a bit about the American countryside:

"Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars."

Can never remember the rest of the damn joke though.

A penguin takes his car to the garage for repairs to the engine and is asked to come back in an hour. He goes off for a walk and it's a warm day so he soon over heats. On his walk back to the garage he sees an ice cream van so he gets a double cone to help him cool down.
He arrives back at the garage and the mechanic says "looks like you've blown a seal mate", "no that's just ice cream" says the penguin.

I saw a 2ft wooden box in a junk shop the other day with a voice coming out of it foretelling the future so I bought it for £3.

Solid it two days later at auction for £5 - I knew there was a little profit in it.

i woke up yesterday with lots of little golden discs all over me
i soon realised i had ebolacornflakes

i woke up today with a round black thing on my head
i soon realised i had ebolahat

tomorrow i am going to wake feeling sweaty with red stuff poring out of my head

i will soon realise i have ebolasoup

No way I can filter this properly for here: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/o6zod/the_tourettes_pianist/

someone roll out the native american trigonometry joke for me ey?

So the Indian chief made love to his three wives. The first he slept with on a buffalo hide, and she later gave birth to a son.

The second he slept with on a zebra pelt, and she also gave birth to a son.

The third, he slept with on a hippo skin, and she gave him twin boys.

Which goes to show, the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

(that one?)

yup, but i heard it as a visiting chief buying wives, 'why's that one more expensive?' etc.