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I'm 40 soon, unlike when I was approaching my 30th I am not suffering from serious anxiety about getting old and not having achieved everything I had expected to by that age at least! So there is a positive at least... However...
I've never been one for birthdays really, but I do understand celebrating the milestones at least. Obviously, the timing could barley be worse, but my GF is going on about making something special of my Birthday (too late to do much now!), and asking me what I want to do... The reality is that I don't want to do very much, until it is both fully safe for anyone and everyone to get involved again, or to go places where we might want to. I have another friend whose 40th is the weekend after mine, and he's cracking on with his party that has been organised for 18 months already... But then his opinion of the whole COVID-19 situation is as though its been sent purely to spoil his birthday celebrations! He's pretty self centred to be honest, and doesn't get why many people won't want to come (it's in a small pub he's rented out, with minimal garden, social distancing will be impossible!)... I'll pop along, but I'll drive and make my excuses to have to leave early, but there we go...
Back to me...
My initial thought is just to postpone any celebrations. If I was having a party, to be honest I wouldn't have copious amounts of people I'd want to invite anyway, maybe a couple of dozen tops. Initially I was thinking that me and the GF would have a nice long weekend away somewhere exciting together on my birthday, come back, go to my mates party the following weekend, then a few weeks later I was hoping to get a long weekend riding holiday in somewhere... I appreciate this isn't a technical impossibility, but it's highly unlikely and the hassle right now makes me think why bother!
Am I just being too selfish, cos my GF wants to make a big thing of it and I really don't...? Or just crack on, pretend it's not for a few months, and then celebrate properly as and when safer and more convenient to do so?
Assuming she’s younger than you, she’s making a thing of it cos she wants you do so for her 40th!
Welcome to my life (wife). I'm not, and never have been, fussy about birthdays. My Missus thinks they should all be celebrated, but particularly the "big" ones. It came to a head on my 40th when I got home from work on a particularly shitty day to find my house full of guests and a surprise party for me. I managed to go along with it but made it clear that could never happen again.
Subsequent birthdays have been much more subdued. Only my 50th (I was retiring too so that was a bit special) and my 60th (hey - I was retiring again) warranted any gathering. We flew off to Barra for my actual 60th birthday as I reckoned that was the safest way of ensuring no surprise visitors 🙂
Just explain how you feel and let it be known you're not going to be persuaded otherwise.
Climb a mountain or something similar, it doesn't have to be a party.
Assuming she’s younger than you
The most common misconception in adult life eh!
She's not...
she’s making a thing of it cos she wants you do so for her 40th!
I did... Precisely because she likes to feel special. More info in what I did for her 40th can be found in this thread... https://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/a-what-car-for-x-budget-thread-with-a-difference/
Welcome to my life (wife). I’m not, and never have been, fussy about birthdays. My Missus thinks they should all be celebrated, but particularly the “big” ones. It came to a head on my 40th when I got home from work on a particularly shitty day to find my house full of guests and a surprise party for me. I managed to go along with it but made it clear that could never happen again.
I get the big ones thing, but even still, I should be allowed to celebrate them on my own terms... My 30th for instance, a day riding in the FoD with a group of friends, followed by a night out in town with another group of friends, and then all day Sunday (my actual Birthday) playing cricket... Spot on! The only downer was I thought I'd broken my hand playing cricket, and had to drive myself (one handed!) to A&E for an X-Ray and treatment on my Birhtday... hey ho!
She keeps going on asking what I want to do... Well two things to consider here... 1) This Coronavirus has kinda bolloxed any idea of anything decent up, and 2) There is no time left to plan! I'd love to have a big day on the trails again (which would exclude my GF sadly as she can't ride an MTB to save her life!) with some friends, perhaps a pub lunch, and then chilled evening at home with the GF. She seems to think I need spoiling, much like I did for her (because she wanted to be, I don't!)...
As for party's... Well, I don't really do them... Not unless I'm organising them that is (how much of a control freak does that make me sound?!?!)... I'm really not into them per se!
Climb a mountain or something similar
Yes, I want to be on my bike... But that won't include her! 🤷🏻♂️
Come to think of it, I had a pretty similar situation 4yrs ago with my previous GF wanting to try and do something with me for my 36th Birthday, and I selfishly kicked off, disappeared Mountain Biking all day down the FoD, had a pub lunch, and came back much more chilled, but to a GF that really wasn't too happy about me throwing my toys out of the pram and doing what I wanted to do!
Maybe I'm just not meant to be in a relationship... 🤦🏻
You should never do something like a party because someone else thinks you should.
Personally I would postpone it so you can have a proper "do" of the type you like. for example I asked Mrs TJ what she wanted for her 50th - I was thinking romantic weekend in Paris, spa hotel I got her girly friends to try and find out what she wanted so i could surprise her - they could get no info out of her. Eventually I asked her what she wanted to do " get lost in the hills with my pals" was the answer so that is what we did
Tell her you want to postpone it for a year until you are 41 so you can 'do it properly' by which time either she will have forgotten about it or you'll have to grin and bare it. (bear it? - pendants assemble!)
Just postpone it and do something when it's right for everyone.
I went to Peru for mine.
Go to Peru.
So, last night came to a bit of a head! I asked what she was doing secretly on her laptop sat the other side of the room (rather than beside me on the sofa), and a suspect "nothing" came back... To which I responded that I didn't trust her, and didn't want her to try and make a big thing of my birthday!
She cried... 🤦🏻
I'm a terrible person apparently! 🤦🏻🤦🏻🤦🏻
Anyway... Starting to think I'm just going to have to grin and bear whatever she wants to do for my actual birthday (a Saturday), hopefully it won't be too bad. Then planning an MTB ride followed by pint on the Friday night for me and whoever I can get to come along, and a decent MTB ride down the FoD with a pub lunch on the Sunday too hopefully. Then we both have the Mon/Tues off work too, so can do something together then too...
Hopefully that will be enough of a compromise! 🤷🏻♂️
Or you could just accept that she wants to plan something for your birthday that shows how much she cares for you. Your wish of "nothing" doesn't give her a lot of scope to do that.
It's understandable not to want to do much, I simply went for a lovely stroll in the Dales and a pub lunch on mine - but I was single and you're not. There's someone else to consider.
It's not a case of "grin and bear it" or "hope it won't be too bad"; it's fantastic that someone cares for you enough to want to show how much by planning something special; you'd be upset enough if she didn't care! Be grateful, allow yourself to maybe be surprised at what she might line up, don't say you "don't trust her" and let her try to celebrate your birthday by lining up a nice day for you.
Or just be miserable shit, but it's overrated 🙂
Not having a go at bearnecessities, but to counter that, there is nothing wrong with hoping she’d respect your wishes to not make a fuss. My wife wouldn’t plan anything big or surprising for me as she knows I really don’t like that sort of thing.
Not having a go at bearnecessities, but to counter that, there is nothing wrong with hoping she’d respect your wishes to not make a fuss. My wife wouldn’t plan anything big or surprising for me as she knows I really don’t like that sort of thing.
Thank you... That's kinda my point!
Because I care about her, I made a big thing about her 40th, took her away for a week somewhere she really wanted to go, planned it all in secret (she likes surprises, I don't!), and made a big thing out of it even including a Romantic room with 4 poster bed and everything in the hotel for her to wake up in on the morning of her birthday... Basically, I rose to the occasion because I care about her, and respected her wishes to be spoilt and to do something exciting!
I wanna ride my bike, have a curry and a couple of pints, and not much more I'm afraid... 🤷🏻♂️
I rose to the occasion
I bloody hope so!!
You're making a rod for your own back here. Imagine you are with her for the next 10-20 years (or longer) and you have to put up with this every. bloody. year.
Nip it in the bud now
Not having a go at bearnecessities, but to counter that, there is nothing wrong with hoping she’d respect your wishes to not make a fuss. My wife wouldn’t plan anything big or surprising for me as she knows I really don’t like that sort of thing.
And that's ace, but you're married - you've been through a lot to get you to that point, and a level of understanding. MBoy is in the early (I think) stages of a relationship, so I'm just suggesting that maybe going full "nope" and not allowing to see what happens might be a bad idea.
If her plans fall on its arse and is a terrible day, then she'll realise and if it's actually a great day then he'll realise.
Shutting down any opportunity for either to find out just seems a waste.
I'm not into being the centre of attention for birthdays etc so I just had a very quiet 40th with family. It did tie in with going to the Alps 6 months later with a couple of pals one if which was turning 40 too. It was great! You don't have to have to arrange something big for that day, just have a quiet birthday and arrange something later this year.
Understand the not wanting to do anything big thing, but, consider that she knows this about you so she's planning to do something to surprise you in a way you'll enjoy. But if she's not trustworthy, like mine is, always touching me in completely the wrong places and usually because I protest that I don't like being touched there. EDIT NO NOT THERE!!!!!
This won't really help, but..
My 40th was at very start of June. Everyone was asking me, "ahh no, what you gonna do? that's a shame". Without wanting to sound like a miser, as I'm really not, I was secretly delighted to still be in lockdown!!
In line with most you you, I don't like a fuss. My perfect birthday would of been all day on the trails with my biking buddies, then pub/curry later with very small group of friends and close family. I don't drink a lot, growing out of hangovers.
There's a weird thing, where you're expected to make a big thing of it, not for me!
As it happended we were temporarily living with the in-laws as mid house move. So had curry takeaway and few beers with wife, kids and in-laws - it was perfect.
..all that said, I agree, let her make a fuss of you!
Another one with a 40th this year, albeit not until November.
My rules have been laid out firmly with Mrs Lunge, no parties (and if one does get organised I will walk out of it), no surprises and don't spend as much as you did on my 30th.
My perfect day would involve a good, long run, a pub lunch with Mrs Lunge, a nap on the sofa and then into Brum for an all too expensive meal. And that is exactly what I intend to do.
Weekend will be a vague invite to a few people of "I'll be in The Waggon and Horses at 7:30 for a few hours, pop in if you want", hopefully that'll turn into a rather heavy session talking rubbish with friends rather than a party where one is constantly on show.
My 40th was in lockdown, I was quite relieved as I didn't want to do anything, mostly since being a dad i'm permanently tired or stressed.
Plus the wife has been on maternity leave and I did not want her to spend any of her money on me.
All of the plans were cancelled and I had a minor dose of Covid-19 for good measure.
I had a nice day in with the family and having video calls.
The activities planned did sound fun but I didn't want to "celebrate a big one" either way.
When I was younger I would party hard and do big group activities.
We went to Jump st for my 38th etc.
Set the parameters within which you think you can deal with a surprise activity, allowing her the freedom to plan something nice which will be mutually acceptable.
Wanna know what the secret of a long and happy relationship is? It's a cliche among journalists that the answer from Golden Wedding couples is always "give and take".
That and never going to bed on an argument.
HTH and enjoy your 40th, and the fact that someone wants to make it special for you.
🙂
Well I got a decent ride in the Wyre last night, followed by a superb (cheese free) Pizza and a couple of pints in down by the River in Bewdley afterwards.
Just off for Brunch with the family now. Probably walk the dog later, then nice restaurant booked for later with a few friends.
Big ride tomorrow down Staunton with a few friends, probably pub stop and a pint mid ride too...
So all good!
Then got Monday and Tuesday off with the GF too, am envisaging a few hundred miles round Wales on the motorbike together if the weather holds. 👍🏻
So all going well so far!