[Closed] 2nd Child

I have three: 11, 7 and 6.

I would say if you are going to have another, the sooner the better.

The sleepless nights will never get any easier, and having 2 kids closer in age is better for compatibility purposes.

The 11 year old doesn't want anything to do with his little brother, whereas Child 2 and Child 3 get on like a house on fire.

If your missus wants it, go for it.

If she's not that bothered, stay as you are; it's so much easier!

Light at the end of the tunnel at 18 months, you're in for a big shock.

Only you can decide on your priorities but I definitely wouldn't have swapped a bit of extra time against having 2 kids.

Have you had a second child?

Yes

Is the short term pain worth it in terms of them playing together, having a sibling etc etc

Yes, but then again my youngest just turned 11 so the massive PITA that babies are has sort of faded into the background, which tells it's own story.

or should we just enjoy the family we have and as parents perhaps be a little happier as we are able to enjoy some 'me' time again???

Interesting wording

can't face the idea of going through the early stages again,

I can do you a deal on a 10 year old ginger kid.
He's good at football and plays the trumpet.

PayPal Gift only.

Seriously though, the second one was an absolute breeze. You've been through the learning curve already. The third one, however....... there are previous threads about this if you're brave enough.

[i]can't face the idea of going through the early stages again, [/i]

My daughter's 13.

I look back to the early months of her life as a gentle introduction to being the parent of a girl.

My son is 3.5, my daughter is just under 9 months. By the time we had adjusted to life as parents and had started to get some semblance of sanity and the occasional good night's sleep back into our lives, we went through (and are still going through) the whole challenging early months again. It has undoubtedly been tough, and far tougher having two than one, but we are now starting to feel more human again and are pleased that the two are quite close.

I would say don't underestimate the process of going through it all again, but of course that will be true whenever you have another if you do... I know there are a lot of challenging years ahead, but early months infancy is now behind us for good (we intend!), and I'm pretty pleased about that in many ways...

Got two, ages 3 and 1, the learning curve is shallower than it was the first time round but you do wonder what you did with all the spare time you used to have when you [i]only[/i] had one child to look after.

Laundry goes from a steady flow into an raging torrent with most surfaces of the house being used as drying implements.

Yeah, it's tough but the the wee man dotes on his little sister and watching the two of them interact is consistently hilarious.

Three, well there's another story, being outnumbered by your own nippers *shudder* nope nope nope.

Only another 2 years of nappies to go, yippee!

Once you have two you will wonder what you did with all the spare time you had when you only had one!
I would suggest it's good to have them similar ages so they can play together.

I have three, 27, 25 and 21. I fully appreciate your concerns even with the passing of all these years I remember how hard it was. I also understand the beauty of "little people" vs babies. What Id say is that the 2yr gap was less hard than the 4yr gap where we'd really started to get our lives together. If you want another I'd say go for it, you dont know how long it will take for your wife to fall pregnant and the later you leave it the harder it will be.

Big chuckle at the 2 vs 1 comments above, 1 is a doddle 😉 we relaxed much more with the third as by that staye youve almost given up trying to have a life :))

Good luck.

I think both me and Mrs GF both miss the time and freedom to go and ride bikes and do fun stuff either together or on our own.

Totally unfit for parenting, contact an adoption agency as soon as possible 😈

Then you can crack on and do your fun stuff together.

We've got two aged 8 and 6. They are a team and can entertain each other leaving me and the missus to do our own thing... she likes to hide in her office and I hide in the kitchen.

Two is great fun. Do it.

I would suggest it's good to have them similar ages so they can play together.

Or like mine occasionally play together but mainly wind each other up.

2 kids here. Aged just 7 and 4.5. Both girls, they get on well as well as having the usual sibling arguments too.

All kids are different though, the second may be a breeze from the off and sleep through the night, or keep you awake to all hours, you just have to work with the hand you are dealt. For example I was dreading weaning, first daughter would take an hour to eat half a bowl of baby porridge, second - but with the second it was gone in minutes (ironically this has flipped on its had now).

I think only you can answer your question. I think in general for us and my other finds the second was much easier, if only because you don't panic at a hint of something being 'wrong', and your routines have already changed to accommodate the first.

Would I have a third? Have you ever tried to take the 'f' out of 'way'?

We have 2. Wish we had had more, even still think about another one although the Mrs is 43 and our youngest is 9 so probably too much of a gap now.

The life of an only child is very different to those that have siblings. Not better not worse, they just evolve different skill sets. I'm an only child and really wish I wasn't, especially now when the pressures of life mean it would have been nice to have a relation to go through it all with.

If I were you I'd have another one unless you are absolutely totally sure you don't want another.

I have a boy of 3, 4 in March, and a daughter who just turned 1.

I had similar reservations as yourself when deciding to have a second. However, I would not go back for anything. If you think one kid is cute, you wait until they start to interact with each other. Thomas is happy to help Alice try and learn to walk by holding her hands as she waddles along same as we do. Also the love they have for each other is magical. Yes I am a gushy old so and so.

It does of course mean that you have all the baby s*** clogging the house up for another year or so, but it goes quick enough.

Have you had a second child?

Yes

Is the short term pain worth it in terms of them playing together, having a sibling etc etc,

For us and I think, them, yes.

or should we just enjoy the family we have and as parents perhaps be a little happier as we are able to enjoy some 'me' time again???

Only you can answer that. Sounds like you haven't quite gotten over the fact that you're parents now and you still think you can regain that non-parent life just as it was 🙂 It'll come 🙂

I'd love to have more time to myself. I'd still rather have the two than have stuck on one and had more time though.

YMMV

Go for 2...heir and a spare! 😉

Did either of your have sibling's as kids? I did, my wife did't...my brother and I fought plenty but I'm still glad I had a brother. My wife, whilst having lots of friends, found childhood quite lonely and would have loved a sibling. Its the reason we had two and I'm really glad we did. Personally I think number 2 was easier for us...we chilled out a lot more and didn't spend half the time worrying we were doing something wrong

ditto jambalaya - in fact my kids are exactly same age...

the second is way easier than the first & can mostly use hand downs so not too expensive either (by the third boy everything was pretty much destroyed), just get on with procreating as the second will be better sooner than later

& yes babies from 0 to 18 months aren't a whole lot of fun but at 18 months it gets to be brilliant journey 🙂

version 2 is an upgrade of the original. Do it now as all you are doing is prolonging the agony. 🙂
2 can keep each other company while you go riding.

should we just enjoy the family we have and as parents perhaps be a little happier as we are able to enjoy some 'me' time again???

You, my friend, are in for the shock of your life when your kid(s) get a little older and start having a social life of their own.

The spare time that you have now, with one toddler, will disappear in a puff of smoke when she starts taking dancing classes / attending the hundreds of birthday parties that small kiddies have / after school activities / play dates.
Resign yourself to 15 years of sitting in the car in community centre car parks.

I'd echo what jambalaya said, though I'm a not as far down the line! Boys 6, 5 and 20 months here - 1 & 2 were 14 months apart and it wasn't much of a shock dealing with the second. Getting it back together for number 3 was a little more difficult, but still doable.

I think kids should have a sibling, but that's just my opinion. The few only children I know/have known all said they would have liked a brother or sister.

The fun doesn't stop just because you have kids, you just have to get better at planning things and managing your free time. And of course, the kids become part of that fun!

I would say if you are going to have another, the sooner the better.

The sleepless nights will never get any easier, and having 2 kids closer in age is better for compatibility purposes.

This.

Mine are almost 2 and 9. I was determined to have just the one, but eventually caved in and let the missus have the second she so dearly wanted (not that I'd be with out the little fella now), and a sibling for the oldest. My only regret is not having them closer together. Both from their perspective of being closer in age to play (or fight) together, and for mine and the missus benefit. We were getting to the stage with a 6 yr old that we could do so much more and then went right back to the early years again and all that entails. On the plus side the eldest being 7 when our youngest was born means she is at least some help around the place, well occasionally anyway.

If you're gonna do it, get on and do it.

if you are going to do it do it now as it will never get easier and a large age gap makes it very difficult to do family things together

The second one is nowhere near the life change of the first and, tbh , one more was not that much more hassle

FWIW I felt like you did but always intended to have two so did do and dont regret it one bit.

Seen friends with a large age gap and it is much more trouble

What do you do for a day out with a 6 year age gap and a boy and a girl?

Second is a bit easier as you know what to expect and know what you're doing. Definitely not the life changing shock of the first one. I think it's been well worth it, my no 2 is ace. And they both love having a sibling. There's less than 2 years between ours.

Downside is that it's a lot more difficult to have that "me" time. It's harder for one parent to look after two kids, especially when they are being hard work. Our lives would be very different right now if we only had one. Though both of ours are still little (coming up to 4 and 2.)

What do you do for a day out with a 6 year age gap and a boy and a girl?

That's a bloody good question 😕

If you are thinking of 'light at end of tunnels' then I personally don't think you should try for another. Not meaning to judge you or anything, but it sounds like it has the makings of a disaster if you did.

4 and 19 months here

#2 is a keeper - although just arriving at the gates of the terrible twos
#1 has had his probation period extended - again

When they're not trying to kill each other they do play well. When they're not trying to kill each other.

Seeing a bit of light at the end of the tunnel (see waswas earlier post above!) as #2 starts to be able to manage himself a bit but still very time poor. They're in bed at 7 everynight but am usually too knackeed by that point to manage anything other than crying on the turbo trainer for half an hour

Three boys here: 5, 3, 1. Everything written above is true.

Difficulty is exponential like South Downs Way attempts (single, double, triple):

One: Hard to power of one.
Two: Hard to power of three.
Three: Hard to power of six.

Would I have a third? Have you ever tried to take the 'f' out of 'way'?

That about sums it up. I just finished a skype call with my wife who has all three of them on her own for five weeks. Some woman.

Sweamrs and I are in roughly the same place as you and I think it'd be fair to say we leaning towards no second so this thread has been food for thought.

Sweajnr is now 20 months and is much better than the initial start. The first 18 months were pretty tough and he wasn't (at least from my perspective) the easiest infant with a few issues requiring repeated health care visits. Sweamrs health also suffered at the same time so all in all quite stressful.

Sweamrs is an only child and the loneliness issue keeps on coming up; while I'm the eldest of 2 (by 3 years) I really didn't get on with my sister once we reached the teen years so whilst I think the early years might be great I'm not so sure about teenagers. Also see friends with young teens where they certainly appear to fight a lot of the time. In sweamrs case her parents are a bit antisocial (her words not mine) and so I'm sure that didn't help with the loneliness thing. We've sort of tacitly agreed that if we only have one we will have to work to make sure sweajnr has friends. That means being the house that boys come round to play at and taking him to places and doing things. Not leaving him with one parent for the day while the other goes and does stuff or palming him off so we can do things together.

It's certainly true though based on friends that the logistics of 2 children each with activities in the evening etc will leave you with a lot less time than 1..

The above comment about light at the end of the tunnel resonates with me as well. I'm currently just not sure I could go through it all again. My final thought is that you (and us) must really want to have a second as otherwise the potential to resent the "clock resetting to fun things time" will be huge.

There's a lot of people who say that if their 1st kid had been like their 2nd kid, they wouldn't have had 2 kids!

Ours are 2.5 years apart. The second was harder as a baby, because of her temprement, but it's a lot better now they are able to play together, at 6 and 4. They'll spend all day in their room playing, which is great, and allows us to get stuff done around the house knowing they are having a great time.

eckinspain - Member
Once you have [s]two [/s] l kids you will wonder what you did with all the spare time you had [s]when you only had one[/s]!

All that wasted time mixing vodka cocktails, long lie ins, partying all night and spending all my cash glueing Halfords stock to my car.

Yes the second bout of sleeplessness comes as a shock, and yes its then easier as know what to do expect and yes its equally rewarding as the grow up - then doubly so as they interact. Worth it IMO.

My kids are 13 months apart. The first 2 years were really hard. They're now 3 and 4 and so much fun. Definitely easier, not easy

On average is great
When it's good it's the best thing in the world
When it's bad it's hell on earth

It can move between all 3 phases VERY quickly!

We've got 2 (24 and 19) and the 2nd one was a lot easier than the 1st given we knew what we were doing by then.

There's a lot of people who say that if their 1st kid had been like their 2nd kid, they wouldn't have had 2 kids!

This 😀

Child 1 (dream child) we hardly even noticed he was there . from about 3 months it was like he just knew what to do. Dressing/feeding/changing/sleeping none of it was a chore , he was walking at 9 months and shunned nappies at 14 months by the time he was 18 months old he wouldn't even entertain the pushchair.

Over the next 5 years nature didn't play fair and we had 3 miscarriages (4 babes).

At 40 I told Mrscarlos I was prepared to try for another 12 months as ,
1, hard as it was for me I could see losing a pregnancy was ripping her to bits.
2, We were entering the danger zone(age) where more risks were involved for both mum and baby.

Child 2, he's had a hard start in life .Born breech the poor mite looked like he'd done 12 rounds with Mike Tyson at his peak. Stopped breathing at 11 weeks and needed mouth to mouth , had really bad relux and kept having odd episodes (that we later discovered were a form of epilepsy). He was nearly 18 months old before he walked and over 3 before getting out of nappies. He's never slept through a full night since birth (almost 5 now) and is generally hard work most of the time (due to Autism).

Don't get me wrong I wouldn't swap either of my sons ,my entire world revolves round them and I stuggle sometimes to get my head round how much I love them but if we'd known how different they would be I think we'd have stopped at one.

Evening. Everyone tells you to have another. 'You'll cope'.

Life isn't about sacrifices or coping. It should be about living.

The same people will say you are being selfish.

Right. Plus I think two is the magic number where sex and the relationship can leave the building.

got 3 who live with me, 5 on Friday, 3 1/2 and 1

Three boys here: 5, 3, 1. Everything written above is true.

i feel your pain 😆

On average is great
When it's good it's the best thing in the world
When it's bad it's hell on earth

It can move between all 3 phases VERY quickly!

+1

beware they may not get on, its a constant battle between my 5 and 3 year old, they are chalk and cheese,

They're in bed at 7 everynight but am usually too knackeed by that point to manage anything other than crying on the turbo trainer for half an hour

again +1

There's a lot of people who say that if their 1st kid had been like their 2nd kid, they wouldn't have had 2 kids!

+1 - the 2nd is a neurotic psychopath

Kids are the best thing we have ever done in life. Two seems to work, on the whole, better than one as there is always company (even if they don't always get on).

At the moment, even though you don't realise it, you do have a mo slack in life than you realise. When you have two then things just have to tighten up and you become more organised, or leap are less about some things, than before.

You will have a lot more opportunities to see and do different things with two. They will fire off each other and introduce you to things you would never have thought of.

Three though...... That just looks like a whole world of pain, by you do get live in childcare if you keep having them;-)

Go for it, would be my vote. The sooner the better.

There's a lot of people who say that if their 1st kid had been like their 2nd kid, they wouldn't have had 2 kids!

Our first (and only) is like the second in the above story, hence why he's the only.

There's no way I'm going through that first 12 month period again.

Everything said above is true. I say go for a second one and if you are as lucky (unlucky depending on your perspective) then like us you may get a third one thrown in for free, yes we had twins! My eldest is 8 and the twins are 2.5. The gap in ages was us getting back on a good financial basis, how i laugh at that now!

Got two girls aged 6 and 10. Born on the same day 4 years apart. They are both complete angels and both are so much fun. They play great together. I didn't want kids at all at first and it was the wife who pushed for it but I just love hanging out with them now. So much so that I gave up any career I had to just be around for them. Don't see any friends any more really as all spare time is spent with wife and kids. Thy grow up fast so I guess I want to spend as much time as possible with them as there'll come a time when they won't want to.

Got a 4 year old girl and another girl on the way. I cannot wait. 1st got the hang of her balance bike this year. I'm so excited to see the second one do the same.

With a couple of childseats there's no reason you and your wife cannot go biking together. A colleague at work and her husband both have fat bikes with childseat. They seem to love the family bike ride by all reports.

Got 3 girls 3,5 and 7.
Things are getting much easier sleep wise.
Get the pain out of the way now and keep them close together.
Buy a road / cx bike if you dont have one.

If you don't like it after 28days send it back

2nd kid is 18 months younger than first here. Hard work at first but once they start interacting with the sibling it's much easier than when the first was that age. They play together like they are twins (now 4 and 5.5).

We went for number three and he was born when the 2nd one was 2 years 4 months. I wasn't so keen to be honest but it hasn't been a big deal. by the time you've had a kid, your life has changed so much for the next 20 years that there is no such thing as 'getting your life back'. Your life has changed, accept this. You won't be the same person again so don't fight it. I had a great life before kids and have a great life with kids. It's a different life but no less great.

btw I live somewhere that we can have full time help with the kids and we both work so I know this is not representative of all places. It would be much tougher if in the UK but no less rewarding (i hope...).

My Missus would love a second , I think I'm too old.
After the horror that was the first 18 months on no sleep ,I have nothing but admiration for folk who raise two close together.

We've got 2 at 20months apart (6 and 8). As above, the 2nd is much easier, and now we have the joy of them [s]playing[/s] fighting together. We probably got more individual riding time in after the 2nd as we knew what we were doing(ish). So I would recommend getting on with it if you want a 2nd and like the idea of [s]siblings playing together[/s] constant warfare in your house.

we've got a 7 yr old and a 2 yr old, and they're a nightmare. impossible to please both at the same time, individually they're brilliant! would have had a smaller age gap, but nature decided against that, and our 2nd is adopted. now that comes with a whole other bag of interesting things to worry about...

Hmm a second child

Everyone has a different experience. For us it was familiar territory and I think we coped better than the first but it definitely converted us from a couple-with-a-child to a family, which was a big step for me less so for mrs rocket.

Some people are cut out for kids I don't think I'm one of them. I lost my identity and became Dad but everyone around me was doing the same thing so it seemed OK. Looking back now the kids are grown it seems a strange time and I'm glad - in a selfish kind of way - that there's still some of the old 'me' left to fill the vacuum. YMMV

I remember very clearly being in your position gearfreak..

We had the same discussions..
My first son was a shock to the system but we adapted and I soon discovered that it was the best thing that ever happened to me.. Being a dad was something that I really excelled at..

When son two was born, with a 2.5 year age gap, my first son was not happy..
My second son was a different animal altogether, very hard work, loud, sleepless and loud again..
It was exhausting, my oldest grew to despise his little brother, it broke my heart as the little fellas struggled to get along..

The last four years have been the toughest of my life, and it's just starting to come good..
A cautionary tale there perhaps, I would seriously recommend preparing your daughter immediately for what is to come.. Teach her to share, to love, and to nurture.. Brainwash her into thinking that a sibling is gonna be the best thing in the world..
I think we simply failed to prepare our first child for what was coming his way, and we had an horrendous time as a result..

Light at the end of the tunnel at 18 months, you're in for a big shock.

Mine are 4 and 2. For us, it definitely got easier when they hit around 18 months. So no shock. With our second daughter now being a little older, they will play (and fight) together - sometimes it's best to take a deep breath and let them self-regulate, which they usually do after a five-minute bicker.

As others have said, the second is definitely easier - we made most of our mistakes with the first and learned from them, we've already adjusted to a lack of time, sleep and money, we've already bought all the paraphernalia. I had the day off yesterday to look after my younger daughter, and it seemed like a breeze - definitely didn't feel like that the first time round!

Interesting thread, we have one but were late starters at 39, she is 3 now and that's it for us. Everyone has an opinion which is nice, people talk to me like I am some sort of horror dad as she is on her own. For every book that says they will be a serial killer there is one that says the opposite. It's all tosh. She mixes with other children almost every day, has better social skills than I ever will, gets time with us as a family, time with mum, time with dad and also time when both of us have had some space to ourselves. To me, that works, we're a vaguely balanced normal family. But there is no exact science sorry, my wife would probably have gone for another but was torn - we're not young, we were moving round the world and number one was hard to get in and keep in. We're happy. best of luck with your decision.

Interesting replies, not sure it will make the decision easier, and I found myself agreeing with something Hora said, which is a first! Are there others who stopped at 1 and the regretted it? Is being an only child really horrible?

Life isn't about sacrifices or coping. It should be about living.

My life is immeasurably better for having two small people in it, who I love and cherish beyond description, but it would be stupid to pretend that there aren't consequences for aspects of my life that I enjoyed prior to having kids.

My life is immeasurably better for having one small person in it, who I love and cherish beyond description, but it would be stupid to pretend that there aren't consequences for aspects of my life that I enjoyed prior to having kids.

gearfreak - Member
Interesting replies, not sure it will make the decision easier

Exactly, everyone has a different opinion based on their own experiences, which takes me back to my original point, which is only you can decide.

and I found myself agreeing with something Hora said, which is a first!

I agree with his life is for living / ignoring those who say you are being selfish sentiments. The '2 is the magic number one' - that's a massive generalisation (and confirmation that perhaps he is playing solo more than he'd like 😆 )

Are there others who stopped at 1 and the regretted it? Is being an only child really horrible?

I know several one child families, some through their own choice, others who would have liked more. All their kids seem to be very happy, they get far more attention lavished on them than those with a sibling which I believe can have an effect on personality (I even think the time my eldest had as an only child has had an effect on her personality vs her sister). But that's only my opinion.

8 & 10 here.
I'd have half a dozen if time were on our side.
(First one born at 39).
Having kids is the most incredible thing you will do.

As a Beaver Leader we see lots of single children.
They [i]can[/i] be a bit insular, but a lot of the child is down to the parenting style.

Do what fits you best Op, but whatever you do be happy.

Dad of 2 wonderful kids here. Boy of 13 and daughter of 8. It gets better and better and better. Every day is a mindmelt of worry, fun and wonder. I haven't a clue if I am doing things right, but everyone seems happy.

My take would be that if having one kid hasn't filled you with the 'want' to have another then there isn't anything wrong with having one kid. My second was easier than the first but it didn't even register wether it was worth it or not. We wanted a second kid and money, lack of sleep and everything else didn't come into it.

Only you and your wife can decide but personally, if you are not filled with a warm feeling of having another kid then I would say enjoy what you have and make the most of it.

I've got 2 boys, 13 months apart and now 4 and 5. I sometimes think getting all the nappies, teething etc out of the way was a good idea, but it was tough. Little one started school now, and things much easier. I still try to get out on the bike a couple of nights a week, and a Sunday, doesn't always happen, and may get worse when taxiing them around to clubs etc,.

Like you say a lot is down to the parents. I know some single kids that have to be the centre of attention and are very demanding. I never wanted kids and think I would have been perfectly happy without them. I was happy with just one, I didn't think it was wise to have a second one but my partner wanted another more than anything so we did and I'm glad we did. We've been very lucky that both our kids have had no health issues and are well balanced. They are 12 and 7 and can fight a bit but not much. It can be tricky doing stuff together, at Alton Towers for example the 7 yo was gutted at not being able to go on the scarier rides but was happy that we'll go back one day so she can. But all told the age gap isn't too much of an issue, no more than them being girl and boy and I think leaving it for 5 years was better for us as it gave us time to buy and settle into our home. I think most of what we have got right is down to good luck rather good parenting.