[Closed] 16 year old son smoking weed

It's always so very easy for those of us who are not having to face this situation every day to be able to make comments or offer advice. It's a horrible situation to be in and I cewrtainly feel for you. There is a huge tension between trying to love him through this with unconditional love and hold a disciplinary hard line. As others have said, sometimes kids just go through a wild patch and there seems no rhyme or reason for it from our perspective. And most will then come out of it the other side although for some of those it may well still take a number fo years before they are able to comprehend the horror of what they put their family through. And then some don't reach the turning point before it's too late. I have a similar situation with my nephew. He started going off the rails a few years ago and seems to have absolutely no ability to associate his behaviour with consequences. Started off mostly by being angry and throwing / smashing stuff about. My brother was a lot more tolerant and softer with him than I would have been. It then progressed to drinking (under age) and then smoking weed and hanging out with "the wrong crowd". He was a reasonably bright kid who had a lot of potential. Now, at 19 he has thrown pretty much msot of his future away. He is still angry, still drinks but looks and sounds like a 40 year drug veteran - no lights on, no one at home. He left school with zero qualifications and pissed away two apprecntice opportunities. Not even sure he is still at the "world owes me" stage or that it is even relevant anymore. The police interventions did nothing to change his attitude. At this rate he will probably be doing well if he is still alive by this time next year. Absolutely tragic.

I'd get proper Legal advice now regarding his potential arrest and the consequences. Under absolutely no circumstances would I recommend anyone allow themselves to be arrested without representation from the earliest opportunity, even if they are freely admitting their guilt.

I appreciate that walking in to the station with your Son and already having a Solicitor present somewhat undermines the shock tactic, but you've no idea how it plays out once he's under arrest. He could easily incriminate himself or others with all sorts of unforseen consequences.

Just a thought that occurred to me while catching up with this thread: rather than try and "scare him straight", can you get him to spend some time with a charity that deals with addicts?

I've never thought that tougher sentences were much of a deterrent, despite how much they please the tabloids; by the time someone's in the situation where a tough sentence is a prospect, they've already made a string of bad decisions and wilfully ignored appreciating the consequences might happen to them.

I know a couple of ex-psychiatric nurses and one current one who have said that an awful lot of the young men they see as in-patients have psychiatric problems as a consequence of drug use and abuse. Yes, smoking weed doesn't harm some people, but for others it can really mess up the chemistry in their heads and it isn't always fixable.

"Helped people help people" is a real cliche, but if he can spend some time with a drug addiction / homeless charity I think it _may_ open his eyes a lot more than slinging him in a cell for a few hours.

I know it's easy for me to offer free advice from afar on the Internet, I really hope somewhere in this thread you find help and comfort and know that many of us want to help in whatever small way we can.

Thought about that and approached a few places, they seemed reluctant to introduce kids, safeguarding issues etc.

I know that the shock tactics may not be the right thing to do but nothing else seems to be working, maybe it's worth a try. Kids mum has spoken to the officer involved so let's see what they've come up with.

Police officer has informed me that there is evidence in the phone that Laurie has been buying coke and weed for his friends before Christmas

Anyone who thinks the Police will turn a blind eye to this is being rather naïve imo. The above advice about seeking legal advice before proceeding is spot on.

Good luck op.

I was a nob for a long time growing up (15’ish to 25’ish) to be honest. Drugs, alcohol, few police type issues and a night or two in the cells.

I didn’t listen to anyone - my parents were ineffectual (not bad, just not helpful), and when I got in trouble at work and they tried to talk sense into me I wouldn’t listen. Police never got through either, I didn’t really give a damn. I was convinced I knew better and they didn’t understand me. They didn’t but as I didn’t understand myself either who can blame them.

I got into a bad relationship and struggled right through to my late 20s. I just sort of grew out of things(drugs and alcohol and destructive behaviour). I didn’t decide to sort myself out, I wouldn’t have had the willpower. I just grew up a bit and changed naturally.

I guess I was lucky that I got through it relatively unscathed, I could have been in real deep sheeite on many, many occasions.

It’s only now nearly 20 years later and having been belatedly diagnosed with depression and anxiety etc and plumbed the depths with those that I see how bad I was growing up. I thought I was cool and knew best but I didn’t. I was an arsehole sometimes.

I think the only real thing that would have made a difference to me is having a respected ‘father figure’ type to take me by the arm or give me a boot up the arse when required and lead me in the right direction. I can see more structure and a physical outlet may have helped along with counselling but I can only see it now, not then.

Anyhoo, not sure if that’s at all helpful in this situation but just thought I’d put another spin on things. If it helps I’m now 48 and doing alright. Have been for a while thankfully!

TS

Ps I can see you’re doing your damnedest trying to sort things out, hope it all works out for the beat.

Dealing with a teen in a rage, that is as big as you/bigger than mum, sometimes you need to step in. Anyone blaming to OP for shoving the lad out of the way, needs to be in that situation.

My lad is Type 1, 19, and is regularly running in high blood sugars. I have had to jump on him and restrain him a couple of times since he was 16. He doesn't remember. He got in a crazy mad mood with mum, went off on one, kicked her, etc, so I went up, saw this and just sat on him and restrained him - a teen in a rage is very strong, but Dad trying to stop this getting worse is even stronger. My word was I upset after, but it stopped the trouble. That's just a medical condition.

It's hard enough having teens these days, they don't realise 'media' is complete shite. OP's lad is withdrawing from drugs/under drugs. It's not nice doing some things, but life ain't straight forward.

I'm lucky my two teens are great, but we don't still have some big issues...

I really feel for OP, as a parent of similarly aged kids, it's bloody hard these days, with media/connectivity. I just went out with mates and messed about - no cameras. My dad was a right nightmare - I'm only finding this out now he's in his 70's and let's 'go' after a pint or two...

Drugs are shite though.. it's not the taking, it's the other shit that can follow (friends have had this with their son).

Just heard from his mum, she's spoken to the police and he's got to be interviewed under caution with a solicitor present. Depending on how he performs in interview, and how the supervisor takes it will decide if there's a prosecution.

Unfortunately for Laurie he's chosen to deal coke, left circumstantial evidence on his phone, and now has to deal with the consequences. He'll get as much support as we can give him, but it's his actions that have got him to where he is.

Jonesyboy, you're being very stoic and pragmatic.
Virtual hugs.

Most people are convicted on evidence they give themselves IIRC from my days on the prosecution side of court cases. I hope that solicitor is going to do more than just be present. Your son needs advice on what to say.

Maybe if they treat him like an adult grown up criminal it really will be a reality check.
When they book him in , fingerprint him, cavity search etc then remove his shoe laces , trouser belt , phone , wallet . maybe DNA , although that might not be till charge time.

If he gets 3-4 hours in a cell to stare at the wall with no drugs or phone or X box and no one to get angry at , followed by a full recorded interview under caution he might see its gone beyond abit of a laugh , and life isnt like Breaking Bad and prison / Young offenders is on the cards it may just be enough for him to step back

Probably wont last though, as being a cool rebel at school , rebelling against society with a WGAF attitude the cliché is oh so very common . Evetone knows girls love a bad boy , even 15yr old ones , its edgy and their way of rebelling at their parents without getting themselves a criminal record. And there is alot of anger in teenagers .

Does he carry a knife yet ? That appears to be the route to A & E.- fags , booze, weed, class A's , dealing , knife for show / protection / defense and all of sudden he becomes a statistic.

I hope you manage to work it out. Leaving him school clothes is awork of genius , no self respecting dealer trades wearing a school jumper and some Clarks shoes .

Unfortunately for Laurie he’s chosen to deal coke,

I can't be the only one that thinks you are seriously overreacting to this? Getting a bit of weed and coke and sharing around few mates is dealing? Nuts, that's just how it works.

Anyhow, all the best. I hope your approach works, but I honestly think you are making the problem worse here. All you are really teaching him is that he better not get caught. And your influence will be reducing by the day btw, he's 16, not 12.

Anyhow, as I say all the best and good luck.

Getting a bit of weed and coke and sharing around few mates is dealing? Nuts, that’s just how it works

Maybe in your world. Not mine.

Getting a bit of weed and coke and sharing around few mates is dealing? Nuts, that’s just how it works

Maybe in your world. Not mine.

But it is how it works, and hopefully it hasn't gone past that stage. There's always one person in a group who knows someone and the others "ask" him or her to get something for them. In fact lads like the Op's son are often nagged by their friends and class mates to buy stuff for them. There's no pushing drugs onto people, it just so happens he's the one with the contact. Things can go a lot further but normally it doesn't.
But yes in the eyes of the law he is a dealing and there's no getting away from that.

I don't think the OP is overreacting significantly. I agree there is a difference between dealing and getting some for a mate from a mate. However the boys behaviour has been atrocious. I still think the drugs are a symptom not a cause here. But again - I don't have kids.

My lad arrested by the Police when he was 16 (seven years ago). Him and some friends had been messing about around some houses where some burgalaries had recently taken place. They were apparently in the garage of a house where a kid in the same school year was living.

They were held in the cells overnight and the Police turned up at our house at 5am to search his bedroom (he was meant to be staying at a friends house).

A couple of the group had some cannabis on them (not our boy). They were released after about twelve hours in the cells during which time they had been fingerprinted and had their clothes taken away and dressed in what I would describe as black "loungewear". My wife spent about four hours at the station awaiting his release.

There seemed to be a big element of the Police trying to scare them by showing them the process that happens to criminals. We went along with this rather than demanding his release and it did have some effect and nothing was put on his record.

The effect of this soon wore off though. He changed schools for A-levels and fell in with a crowd of kids from well off families whose lives revolved around drink, parties etc. He did not do well enough in his A-levels to go the the university he wanted to and so we paid for him to re-take two of them the following year.

During this year he spent a few months working for an organisation that housed recovering addicts, troubled kids etc. which we thought would help him understand the downsides of drink, drugs etc.

This did not work as he became increasingly detached from us and kept very odd hours disappearing for days on end and when he was home sleeping for long periods. He had also started wearing a black backpack which he was never without. One time when he came home and had slept for 12+ hours his mum searched this bag and found various drug paraphenalia including a large "rock" of something (think it was MDMA) which was far more than for personal use.

His mother dragged him out of bed and demanded an explantion. It turned out that he was dealing to friends and could not see why we thought it was a problem. This was two weeks before he was due to start university. I tried to get through to him by showing him news articles about people of similar ages who had been prosecuted for dealing but he did not seem to relate to them.

In the end he went to university and was staying in a hall of residence where the local dealers hand out business cards. I know he has continued to smoke weed as his rooms have reeked of it but I think the dealing stopped when he went to uni.

He is graduating in the Summer four years after starting (he failed some of his second year exams and insisted on having a year to retake them rather than doing it straight away) and hopefully will get reasonable grade - to be honest I will be delighted if he scrapes a 2:2.

Sorry for the rambling story - I think what I am trying to say is that kids do not see anything wrong with drugs. He has seen the inside of a cell and been a care worker for damaged addicts but still takes drugs. Basically what his peer group think of him is much more powerful than us, the Police or his future prospects.

I still think the drugs are a symptom not a cause here.

Having been in a similar state as a youngster i would agree with this. Not that i would have had a hope in hell of expressing the causes at that age though.

Sorry for the rambling story – I think what I am trying to say is that kids do not see anything wrong with drugs. He has seen the inside of a cell and been a care worker for damaged addicts but still takes drugs.

Different drugs are different! some are harmful to the individual, some are not, some cause massive social damage, some do not. for most the harms of prohibition far outweigh the harms of the drug. Taking you getting the lad to work with addicts - I assume heroin addicts or perhaps crack - If he is smoking weed then he does no look at them and see "that could be me". He looks at them and sees junkies while he is a smoker. He will not identify with them.

This is one of the problems with the " just say no" approach and " all drugs are bad". When your own experience tells you that what adults are telling you is wrong in some particulars in some ways then its easy to distrust the rest of what they say.

People want to get high. Thats a given. In this country for most it is alcohol which is far more addictive and far more damaging to both individuals and society that many illegal drugs.

this is where the harm reduction, informed social policy and informed choices come in. give kids the real information.

People want to get high. Thats a given.

Is it thought? I think there's a huge element of people thinking whatever they do is "normal" and everyone else is either reckless (one side of the scale) or a prudish bore (the other end).

On the one hand you get people like the guy on QT last night and seosamh77 claiming that coke use and dealing is an entirely normal thing to encounter and be involved in.

On the other hand 30% of 16-24 year old people don't drink alcohol at all. Scotland may be different.

sauce: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/oct/10/young-people-drinking-alcohol-study-england

Now assuming it's a sloping trend with perceived less harmful stuff being widely used (everyone loves a cup of tea right?) and herroin at the thin end. Then it's a reasonable extrapolation that >30% (probably by a significant margin) of young people don't infact "want to get high".

Tinas - pretty much every culture throughout history has had drugs they use. Even some animals ( drunk elephant anyone?)

I wonder what the crossover between those teetotal kids and those that use cannabis is?

Tinas – pretty much every culture throughout history has had drugs they use. Even some animals ( drunk elephant anyone?)

Not sure how that's relevant, except to point out that not everything that happened i the past is a good thing.

Should we bring back slavery and concubines just because they've existed in pretty much every culture throughout history?

I wonder what the crossover between those teetotal kids and those that use cannabis is?

Of the same age group,
77% don't smoke
80% don't use any illegal drugs in th epast year

There's probably some crossover, but your implication that young people are taking illegal drugs instead of drinking seems at best far fetched.

Sauce:

and https://www.drugwise.org.uk/how-many-people-use-drugs/

The teatotal kids - I didn't mean to imply anything - it was just an idle thought - are they teetotal because they smoke or are the teetotalers non smokers as well?

The point about other cultures is that there seems to be something in all humans that is a desire to get high. Its not just our modern western society. Its a universal across all societies since the beginning of modern humans and also exists in other mammals. chocolate for example started life as a stimulant drink. flying reindeer are fly agaric hallucinations. Coca has been used for centuries in south america. Khat in east Africa. elephants and chimps seek out rotting fruit because it contains alcohol

The point about other cultures is that there seems to be something in all humans that is a desire to get high. Its not just our modern western society. Its a universal across all societies since the beginning of modern humans and also exists in other mammals. chocolate for example started life as a stimulant drink. flying reindeer are fly agaric hallucinations. Coca has been used for centuries in south america. Khat in east Africa. elephants and chimps seek out rotting fruit because it contains alcohol

Yes, but my point was none of that makes it a good thing.

People want to get high

Some people, maybe most people, but not all. I have never had the desire to get high.

I agree. Its just an "is" and something we have to work with. Its perhaps a part of the reason for "just say no" not working. so if you accept that drug use ( and I include alcohol) is going to happen then harm reduction is the key

If we had sensible drug laws Leah Betts would not have died. The drugs did not kill her. Her and her friends ignorance and unwillingness to seek help killed her.

gauss - do you drink alcohol? Ever felt " I need a drink" after a bad day at the office?

Depending on how he performs in interview...left circumstantial evidence

Advise him not to say anything. Go through the process by all means but don't say a word.

Because it "will be taken down and used as evidence"

He needs shaking up; not locking up.

do you drink alcohol? Ever felt ” I need a drink” after a bad day at the office?

It wasnt aimed at me, but in the past maybe, although tbh i think i just drank a lot becsuse it was normal. I definitely dont anymore despite working with some big drinkers, im quite happy drinking soda water. I quite like a beer, but I quite like alcohol free beer too. And never particulalry feel the need to 'drink'.

Which goes back to my original point. People saying "its normal to want to get high and deal small amounts" are possibly correct in their own social circle, but their world view isnt reflected in the population at large who mostly dont take drugs, and increasingly dont drink either.

gauss – do you drink alcohol? Ever felt ” I need a drink” after a bad day at the office?

Not really. I’m not teetotal, I don’t have anything against drinking alcohol per se. But, if I’m with people drinking wine at dinner I might have a third of a glass to be sociable, certainly not to get high.

I don’t have a problem either with people taking drugs, but as far as I’m concerned they all have their risks and I’m very risk averse (for whatever reason). I do not need to take drugs to have a good time. I find it ironic that generally people who don’t drink or take drugs are seen as rather dull. I have been around many people drinking alcohol and enough taking drugs to know that they tend to be incredibly boring and annoying and are best avoided. I cannot think of anyone I know who is better company whilst drinking alcohol or taking drugs.

Oh, and no I have never felt ‘I could do with a drink’ when stressed. Which is just as well as it doesn’t seem to work.

Oh, and no I have never felt ‘I could do with a drink’ when stressed. Which is just as well as it doesn’t seem to work.

Great attitute. I'm coming to the conclusion through practice that it doesn't work, but drugs and alcohold are almost in the DNA of the UK so very hard to step away from. Interestingly Nietzsche hated alcohol, basically he put people who drink (even if they were athiests) in the same bucket as religious headbangers. Using something external to avoid and escape reality.

Random fact - most high hazard sites in the UK have D&A testing. One place I worked for brought it in from having nothing. Instant 30% fail rate for class A drugs. Almsot mindblowing how prevalent drugs are in society. Let that sink in next time you see a big scaffold somewhere - nearly a third of the guys that built it were probably wasted.

One place I worked for brought it in from having nothing. Instant 30% fail rate for class A drugs. Almsot mindblowing how prevalent drugs are in society. Let that sink in next time you see a big scaffold somewhere – nearly a third of the guys that built it were probably wasted.

Not strictly true, 30% had taken drugs recently enough that they were still detectable. Most places simply have a zero tolerance limit. So 30% isn't far off the 20% I quoted (obviously it varies by age group and other social or demographic factors) assuming most people who've used within the past year have probably also used recently (or at least within the window that they're detectable) and that most drugs are detectable in the test after you're no longer 'wasted' then it's also showing that 70% of the population aren't conforming to the narrative that drugs are endemic and normal.

Drug testing - some drugs can be detected for a long time in your system - cannabis for weeks IIRC. Others become indetectable very quickly

Not strictly true, 30% had taken drugs recently enough that they were still detectable.

The test kit we used was calibrated to detect the use of cannabis, opiates, methadone and alcohol with the previous 24hours or less. Cocaine, amphetamines and diazapan for a couple of days. Alcohol you had to be a bit pissed at the time of test. This wasn't trying to catch out someone that had had a joint 2 weeks ago, it was folk actively using drugs. If you failed you were either a bit wasted or had been wasted the night/day before. Either way enough that you shouldn't be with a mile of the stuff on that site. It's quite a thing to be taking meth the night before you turn up to do some coded welding!

Some pre employment checks for permanent employees may use more rigorous methods.

nearly a third of the guys that built it were probably wasted.

No, nearly a third had trace amounts in their system which is a long way from wasted. Class A's tend to get expelled fairly quickly (a few days) whilst weed can be present weeks after use.

People want to get high

Some people, maybe most people, but not all. I have never had the desire to get high.

Good for you but it was pretty obvious TJ was making a statement about the population in general.

I can’t be the only one that thinks you are seriously overreacting to this? Getting a bit of weed and coke and sharing around few mates is dealing? Nuts, that’s just how it works.

It works like that when you've seen it from the inside, if you haven't then it's easy to be an absolutist about it. I wouldn't call it dealing and the scale of it was what I based my assumption of the police/CPS not being overly bothered on. IANAL

If nothing else ths thread is a great insight into people's inability to deal with facts and refuse to accept them even when presented by those who know more about the subject matter than they do. People are being honest and speaking from experience and folk are still sticking their fingers in their ears and repeating "nope" over and over. I'd be shocked but Brexit happened already.

Then it’s a reasonable extrapolation that >30% (probably by a significant margin) of young people don’t infact “want to get high”.

The other extrapolation from that is that 70% do..whether drugs or alcohol(same difference tbh). That's being simplistic though.

What is true is, it's a simple part of life for a fair old chunk tbh.

tbh I suspect most of you haven't a clue what your kids get up to. The piousness of this thread makes that kinda obvious, imo.

It works like that when you’ve seen it from the inside

Well yes, that was my point. If you're in that 'group' then your perception is that everyone is doing it. if you're in the other 4/5ths of the population on the other hand....

it was pretty obvious TJ was making a statement about the population in general.

.................................
If nothing else ths thread is a great insight into people’s inability to deal with facts and refuse to accept them even when presented

You said it yourself. The "fact" is that no, the "population in general isn't doing it, not by a massive margin.

The other extrapolation from that is that 70% do

Except that the statistic underneath the bit you quoted showed that 80% don't.

Anyway, we've dragged this off topic, my point was simply to counter those that were making out that drug use was supposed to be normal and that somehow everyone was doing it when the stat's simply don't back that up in the slightest.

Tinas - drug use includes alcohol, coffee, tea, chocolate, cigarettes

tjagain

Member
Tinas – drug use includes alcohol, coffee, tea, chocolate, cigarettes

This is the curious thing is that that isn't included in people minds. I think it's nuts that the boy is getting taken to the police for being the supply point for a few friend (read the only guy that knows where to purchase, it's a million miles away from dealing), but if he was the one that looked old enough to get served in the offies attitudes would be wildly different.

I'm not promoting drug use btw, I just think the approach here is wrong. The idea of taking the boy mtbing and doing things, and in general separating him from that side of his social life would be much more successful if approached in a non confrontational manner, imo. I just don't see much benefit from the confrontational approach. More likely to drive the boy away.

Just an opinion, I may well be wrong, hope I am.

There is a lot of taking stuff to extremes on this thread but not IMO by the OP

Tinas - I did not say the population in general do it and its normal. I sad ever human society has drugs that are used and that there seems to be this desire / need to get high in every human society right back to the beginning - even some animals do it. That is a simple statement of fact and one anyone looking at ths situation needs to work wit. Otherwise you get the ridiculous arguments used that all kids know are nonsense so it makes it much harder to get reasonable anti drug arguments heard.

So to say " all drugs are bad and if you smoke a few spliffs next year you will be a homeless junky" is such nonsense on one will listen

Whereas if you say " smoking a few spliffs might well make you into a really boring dopehead, it will probably eff up your schoolwork" or " do you realise how much of an areshole coke makes you"its a much more realistic message that might just get thru

People want to get high

Some people, maybe most people, but not all. I have never had the desire to get high.

Good for you but it was pretty obvious TJ was making a statement about the population in general.

It was rather vague, it is worth at times writing what you mean clearly and accurately.

Whereas if you say ” smoking a few spliffs might well make you into a really boring dopehead, it will probably eff up your schoolwork” or ” do you realise how much of an areshole coke makes you”its a much more realistic message that might just get thr

tbh promoting moderation and a sensible approach to drug use is a far better use of your energies than scaremongering. While promoting other alternate activities.

If he's going to take them, he's going to take them. The cat is out the bag, he's involved. Best he does it sensibly and it doesn't become his only "hobby".

It was rather vague, it is worth at times writing what you mean clearly and accurately.

I thought it was pretty clear, "societys use xyz" never means every one in a society does, only that its prevalent. I'd say 20% uptake of anything would make it prevalent.
Regarding statistics, when it comes to alchol and drug use people lie. Just with alchol we somehow manage to buy twice as much as we claim to drink 😁. Now ask that question about drug use 🤔

It was clear what TJ posted to me as well.

Anyway, good luck OP.

Tjagain: If we had sensible drug laws Leah Betts would not have died. The drugs did not kill her. Her and her friends ignorance and unwillingness to seek help killed her.

Tj I respect your opinion, but you do state things as fact, when they clearly are not. Leah Betts is far from the only death from ecstasy, I have seen people die from it myself back in the late 80’s it was tragic. The idea that people knowing what to do in the event something goes wrong reduces all risk, is clearly (to me at least) nonsense.

I was talking about one specific case. Leah Betts

And she was used as the anti ecstasy poster girl “her first time ended up like this”. In fact she had taken it before and actually died of hyponatremia (spelling?).
This is why better education/truth is needed, when the example of “drugs are bad m’kay” is false. This leads users to not believe what they are told.

How many drug deaths are actually due to the cutting agents they are mixed with?

It was clear what TJ posted to me as well.

It was clear what Tj posted to me too, and it wasn’t what everyone else thought. Anyway, even I think I’m sounding like an argumentative knob (really not my intention) - so I’ll shut up for a while.

Hoping things take a turn for the better for the OP, as I would not want to trade places.

Anyway, even I think I’m sounding like an argumentative knob (really not my intention) – so I’ll shut up for a while.

Hoping things take a turn for the better for the OP, as I would not want to trade places.

This I can agree with 100%

( I am risking being an argumentative so and so )

Have Half Man Half Biscuit launched a takeover (ref: Rusty's tattoo thread) - or have they just got a song for everything

” do you realise how much of an areshole coke makes you”

Going through a similiar thing just now with my son. Its not so much the having the odd joint which bothers me. My son left school a few months back and has up and until recently done jack shit to find a job thinking a basic college course would suffice. I was at him all the time to get a part time job and do the course and id stay off his back.
I've always been honest about what I did in my youth but reinforced I was slightly older and was working part time from 11 and full time from 16 and probably didnt start dabbling till 17 or so. My younger years involved heading up and down the country going to raves etc and times have certainly changed. I think most parents would be shocked to see what is posted on apps like snapchat in your local area with regards to whats being sold.
Anyhoo after a few applications and being pushed my son starts a apprentice stonemasons job on monday and Im hoping the long days at work and earning some money will see him buckle down . I dont mind him going out after a week of work and enjoying himself on a friday and saturday night with or without a smoke or drink , Its the lying in bed all day and playing fifa all night whilst smelling of Ganja that has done my head in.

tbh promoting moderation and a sensible approach to drug use

For some, like my earlier examples on the thread, the sensible approach is abstinence as they don't have the capacity for them. We could go all hardcore and educate and then let them rot if after all the info they get ****ed up.

That may not be very compassionate but it is one way of dealing with it. We could leave all the damaged ones on Skye (other islands are available) with a monthly food delivery, power and heat and let them get on with it.

Exile on Skye? Yes please. I'll be up for a big dose of that.

Can I pretend to be off my box to get across the bridge?

We could leave all the damaged ones on Skye (other islands are available

Let’s not spoil Skye. More apt location would be the Isle of Sheppey. And arrange for a litre accident with the SS Montgomery that’s wrecked nearby.

I thought Inchkeith would be a good bet. close enough to Edinburgh so that it could be supplied easily. too far to swim to land from.

Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that for jonseyboy’s son.

I thought Inchkeith would be a good bet. close enough to Edinburgh so that it could be supplied easily. too far to swim to land from.

Well at least its not Fife, that would just be draconian.

So a few weeks down the line, he's not moaning about 6pm Curfew and is coming straight home from school and not bothering to go out. Weekends are a little more interesting as he wants to go and see his mates. With advise from outreach workers and Young Addaction he's allowed out for 4-6 hrs with good behaviour, but has to meet us mid point to check he's not out of his skull.

He's got access to very limited money and when he does have money ie for barbers then he has to bring a receipt or he's grounded for another week. So far he's not brought a receipt home so he's had a couple of weeks of being housebound.

I've asked him about doing drugs tests to keep him off the stupid stuff and he said ok.

I've just picked up his iphone from the police, it's horrible looking through the messages again. I want to put a spy app on there just to check for the next few months sporadically. I own his phone and pay the contract so technically this is legal. Anyone advice on ios spy apps, I'm looking at mspy at the moment.

Once this is on his phone I'll be happier about letting him out for short periods of time, but the trust is going to take a long time to regain, and he's 17 in sept so we need him to have freedom again for his sake and our sanity.

He did sneak out and come back stoned 1hr later on Saturday, but has been grounded for the week, he's also still seeing Sven, the young addaction counsellor.

Mock results were not as good as expected, but maybe he just needed to flunk them and have a kick up the arse. Homework is generally good and on time.

Thank STW for easing my stress through this, It's been incredibly supportive which after surviving the redundancy, recession, separation, and finally this. We're not done yet, but there are again plenty of positives.

Maybe time to bring some reward to show him not being a stoner actually has its advantages
Whilst sitting around all night getting off your face is hilarious fun and , might , or might not lead to long term mental issues, its better all round if he isnt doing that
He's agreed to the terms and punishments so , much like training a dog , give him something he will appreciate
If thats 4 mates round for a day of FIFA , followed by a Nando's and Dads taxi home then its easy really , Everest base camp hike , not so easy
I have no idea what the yoof actually want to do or look forwards to that isnt based around sex, drugs and alcohol
Keep on at it though

Sounds good, that he's begun to accept your boundaries and control. Is the relationship improving? Sounds like it is. Terrifies me this stuff, especially how hard it is to maintain the balance between reality and what you want for your kids, which is always the best of things.

I would say, think REALLY long and hard before installing a spy app. If he's agreeing to drug tests, seeing the councillor and generally behaving, does this get you much more? It does have the potential to massively backfire. For a start, you'll see a whole load of stuff that isn't relevant to your problem but could be uncomfortable reading. And if he finds out, as a volatile teenager, I think it would push him away from you. He needs to trust your opinions and experience as an adult. Why would he trust someone who spies on him?

Sounds like you’re making some good progress that’s great news.

Fwiw, I think you've done amazingly well with all this, no idea how I'd cope. Seem to have escaped it with my 16 year old

My daughter is 13. Last night one of the mum's at gymnastics said how lovely and polite she is. I know from this thread and others how that can change. I made sure she knew how proud of her I am of her and gave her a big hug.

I’ve just picked up his iphone from the police, it’s horrible looking through the messages again. I want to put a spy app on there just to check for the next few months sporadically. I own his phone and pay the contract so technically this is legal.

What would stop him buying a cheap PAYG phone to use if you did this?

Brill news.

I agree its reward time now. Nothing major as towing the line is an expectation not something to be rewarded in its self

Certainly nothing that touches the boundaries you've set clearly like money or time out etc.

Just something to acknowledge the effort, a favourite takeaway, cinema, bowling or something.

Well we seem to have turned a corner a little, he's still smoking weed which I'd rather be didn't, but with limited funds and the current lock down his wings have been clipped a little.

He did two nights work as a KP in a pub which he blew the money on weed, but actually seemed to mature a lot from working with more mature folk. Then Corona hit...

Keeping him busy with Lego, Xbox, films and I'm trying to get him back on the bike a little. He's happy to do drugs tests still, and I think I've convinced him to enjoy life, go to sixth form, delay work as long as you can and have some fun. He fluffed his mocks but has been having good results in his classwork so fingers crossed.

Who'd have thought that a global pandemic would have helped the situation.... Every cloud had a silver lining.

Just hope he doesn't go nuts when we come out of this isolation! As always guys, a problem shared is a problem halved, thanks for being there and keep safe x

Weed can bring forward a psychotic experience that may or may not happen. But many things can also trigger psychosis, from environmental, stress, trauma, grief. There's arguments both sides but it's worth noting that schizophrenia diagnosis has remained fairly constant but weed use has dramatically increased. It's no more a gateway drug than water is a gateway drug to whisky. But at that age the brain is still developing and won't be fully developed until mid 20s. Is there any history of mental illness in the family? I think it's a large part of youth culture even more than 25 years ago when I smoked but skunk was expensive and we jusy had squidgy black or rasta brick weed mostly. I did enjoy it bavk then but tolerance builds up and it becomes habitual rather than a fun session after a night out. It's an experimental phase that many go through. Just be sensible with him and trust him.

His mum struggles with anxiety and depression, and get mother has mental health issues. We've talked to him about it, and so has his counsellor.

This is normal, but watch the group he is with.

Express disapproval rather than anger.

It's been a while since I last updated. Things have taken a turn for the worst. He's now under  a social worker and a CCE program. He's desperate to have his phone back, but that will mean an in road for the dealers again.

Starting sixth form, no phone, most of his friends at Tec on vocational courses, and also no phone we have no idea where he is or contacting him at times, but give him a phone and Snapchat well mean the door to dealing is there.

Anyone recommend a phone or suggest software we can put on an iPhone to lock it down and monitor the phone?

If you don't know where he is, what's to stop him just buying a £20 burner phone and PAYG SIM as soon as he's out of sight?

Exactly. You literally cannot win this.

I have young boys and when they get to teenagers I hope they don't smoke weed. I did and it for 5+ years and it is a waste of time and money (imo!)

If I was in your situation I would just let him smoke it. Give him curfews and days when he is not allowed out so he's not smoking every day but basically let him do it. Most people on this thread have!

Perhaps another option (which admittedly I know nothing about) is a CBD drops/inhaler? If stress/ anxiety really is a thing then maybe it might replace the weed?

learn how to make cookies together. Sounds like you've lost the weed battle, get him off the smoking.

If I was in your situation I would just let him smoke it.

learn how to make cookies together. Sounds like you’ve lost the weed battle, get him off the smoking.

Smoking a bit of weed isn't the problem, read back a little.

... and having just taken my own advice,

Anyone recommend a phone or suggest software we can put on an iPhone to lock it down and monitor the phone?

This thread is 10 months old and you asked this question fully eight months ago. If he's in his late teens and you need to know his location that badly then he doesn't need an iPhone, he needs an ankle bracelet.

I feel for you, I really do. I don't know what I'd do in your situation, I think maybe I'd be entertaining moving to the other end of the country to sever his physical ties and immediate influences. Either that or more robust approaches, nicey nicey clearly isn't working. It's a perfect storm, it's hard enough being an emotion-dumped teenager all other things being normal.

I'm picking my battles, smoking weed and fags I can cope with and hopefully he'll grow out of it. The larger much more dangerous issue is that he's been groomed into dealing and threatened.

The dealers told him he'd run up a £2k debt, he was shot scared and after a lot of deliberating I paid it off. He's been under house arrest since with no phone.

We've passed the details and 250 screen shots of his snapchat account to the police, details of deals, dealers phone numbers, burner phone etc.

It's how we allow him to communicate with his true friends and not the dealers, Snapchat is a vile piece of software. At the moment we're thinking of a new dumb phone so he can text only. Other things I've got to consider is that he needs a laptop for sixth form. Technology has moved on since I was au fait with it all!

If it isn't Snapchat it will be telegram, if not that then Discord, if not that then... ...well there is still SMS.

I hope you get the picture by now. It's not the software at fault here.

I agree 2k is pretty bad, I knew someone who racked up a similar amount just through his own stupidity (intended on selling a bit to self fund but ultimately smoked it all) at the same age. I'd like to think your son has learnt a valuable lesson about restraint and not over extending yourself. A casual ounce is one thing but it sounds like he was going for full on 9 bars.

I did and it for 5+ years and it is a waste of time and money (imo!)

Same and totally agree. Wouldn't object to an occasional one but as a lifestyle it's utterly crap. Waste of some good years, better waiting for old age to get moagered.

9 bars.

Not heard that phrase in about 20 odd years!.

Nothing to add really Jonesy, all the best, awful situation.

The dealers told him he’d run up a £2k debt, he was shot scared and after a lot of deliberating I paid it off. He’s been under house arrest since with no phone.

I'll admit that I haven't read all of this but to the "cool" posters who were advising "chill and let him get on with it", how did that work out hey?

My experience relates to a distant family member. He started off like the OP's son and ended up dealing and in debt as above. His family were subsequently plagued with all manner of low life scum making demands and threats. Unfortunately in an attempt to clear his debts he ended up with two charges of attempted robbery with an imitation firearm. Thankfully no-one was hurt but he is now serving a prison sentence. If he keeps himself clean inside and toes the line then he could be out after half but his life will be immeasurably more difficult than it needed to be.

#Edit: My thoughts are very much with the OP and his family. Sounds like you have been to hell and back. However you have proved yourself an amazing parent and fingers crossed there is a positive outcome. Good luck!

We once went to buy a 9 bar during a shortage and got robbed at knifepoint by big scary boys. As they left the shouted 'don't mess with the big boys!' A lesson I never forgot....

Good luck Jonesy, that sounds like a nightmare.

I’ll admit that I haven’t read all of this but to the “cool” posters who were advising “chill and let him get on with it”, how did that work out hey?

Well given most of us probably didn't run up over 2k of debt and didn't anticipate that I don't think getting all smug about it is really appropriate.

But if it puts a spring in your step crack on. Must be wonderful to feel so vindicated.