Sorry I did try searching past singletrack history, but on my phone nothing came back 🙂
Our lad is a mature 12yr old ie almost fully through puberty etc. We have always been quite liberal with him and he learnt from us about sex at a very early age, had sex education at school etc and knows porn is not like real world relationships.
We checked his phone and computer at the weekend and he has been trying to access porn via YouTube. From what we can tell our network settings are preventing him getting directly in to sites (but we cant be certain) but he is still seeing images at the point he can get no further.
We do talk quite openly and he says lads at school (at end of day etc) are looking at full on porn on their phones, and he is the odd one out.
My view is that hes a lad, will look at it and use it. But I dont want him looking at it all the time, which at the moment appears to be anytime hes in his own room etc.
Back in the day I was lucky if you found a mag in the bushes or a discarded page 3 from the Sun. Today it appears to there all the time.
Are there any good resources for parents, do we just let him get on with it ?
I did try broaching the subject with some mates who have kids of the same age, but it is obviously much more taboo in their house holds/their kids are not looking/they have no idea what their kids are doing.
Advice welcomed ?
We're verging on this scenario now. I've told Mrs Weeksy to remove our monitoring software from him phone and kinda kist let him get on with it.
We have a 13 year old boy. Pretty sure he's looking at porn when he's alone on his phone. We don't have monitoring software on his phone or on our network, as we hope being open and talking about things is the better option.
That approach seems to have worked for the eldest who is now 18.
All you can do is state that what they see on Pornhub etc is not representative of a "normal" relationship.
Mine has just turned 13 and we’ve had this conversation. I have a fairly liberal attitude towards it myself, although I’m not going to tell him that. I put it too him, the whilst I didn’t approve (as far as he was concerned) , I knew he was going to look. So he always had to remember…
a) there’s some nasty stuff out there so be careful what you search for
b) it’s not real, real women don’t behave like that
c) people in it, are often not there through choice, bear that in mind
d) be discreet
e) you’ve got a little sister, bear that in mind
f) never, ever, share anything and delete anything you receive
On top of this, I block adult content on our WiFi network, parental controls on his devices also limit it, and he’s not allowed YouTube on his devices, only the tv in the living room.
If he’s gonna get it, he’s gonna have to work for it!
It was so much simpler when you just found bits of magazines in random hedges...
Our beloved government's Online Safety Bill will render this sort of conversation obsolete...
Why can I hear laughing???
I have had an initial porn chat. I want to keep this an open conversation and not taboo and risk it becoming hidden. But I will need to get into the detail of this as porn covers a huge range, all really easily accessible for tech savvy kids.
Obvs it was safer bitd with hedge grumble...
I think any attempt to stop him looking is futile in this day and age. As others have said better to talk about it.
Waaaaay back when I was a lad I found my dad's stash of jazz-mags. I used to knab a few and stuff them under my mattress for personal entertainment. I thought I was right clever until one morning my dad popped his head round the bedroom door and said...
"I don't mind you borrowing them, just pop them back when you're done hey lad"!
...I had never been so embarrassed! 🙂
I went through this with my lad when he was about that age. I feel that kids are going to find it, and there's little you can do about that apart from set some limits in the home. We had a rule that we trusted him with his phone, but if we asked for it to be handed over, it had to be instant, no "Hang on, just a minute" or "Let me just..." it was on pain of loss of internet rights for a week, so it was mostly complied with.
Teach your son about respect, consent, and ultimately the fact that it's illegal for him to be watching it (not that that will make massive difference!) I feel sorry for these kids, it's entirely a part of their lives now, and it gives some of them really skewed views and expectations on sex and relationships.
How do you have this conversation with a 74yr old?
Dad, these 2nd hand ‘fine art photography’ books from the 70s you collect are pure filth.
There is a huge gulf between jazz mags/hedge grumble and what is available online today. Don't be naive to this.
On a related note, why was it always in hedges? I never understood that...
Oh and don't forget it's not just his phone/ipad, everything has a web browser!
Games consoles, TVs and VR headsets to name 3! The last one can be used to watch VR grot, apparently...
What a time to be alive!
my only concern, as mentioned is some of the stuff out there is pretty vile. So him being exposed to that and thinking thats the norm would be my worry.
And its unlikely you are going to sit with him and point out which videos are 'realistic' and which are not.
In other news, we hit the jackpot when we found a brand new copy of Club international in the bin by the local shop back in the day. The glory days!
The OP is after good resources for this. I am not sure if there are really.
I think you need to spell out the types of porn available, why most of it is unrealistic/not representative of real relationships / or far worse. He will find it all anyway, so best he is prepared and understands all the issues.
Ah bin porn. Mate found a porn mag in the bin on the way home from the pub many years ago. He was overjoyed.
We did point out that he could just buy some from the shop, but apparently bin or hedge porn was much more exciting, a bit more of a lucky dip 😀
Could you not go retro and leave some copies of Razzle in a bush in the garden for him?
I remember starting my apprenticeship at 16 in an all male environment and the whole place was absolutely awash with grot mags, mostly brought in by the foreign lorry drivers
Happy days 😀
Probably also worth pointing him to the recent Tory MP debacle as a reminder that there is a time and place for porn and what can happen when you get confused as to where / when that is.....
Unless of course he is considering being a Tory MP as a career option.
All the squirrels stole the ones that were in trees.
Online stuff is a minefield for kids, the thread the other day about the child getting dressed isn’t unique, the vast majority of indecent images of children online are self produced. The conversation should involve taking and sharing photos and videos of themselves and others as well as potential dangers from grooming and bullying. It’s so easy for kids to get to very dark places very easily.
Check out parentsprotect.co.uk as a starting place to get info
Got around 10 years till I need to have this conversation, but I hear sometimes these sites that display porn are actually fake and looking to infect your device, so maybe warn about that too?
That’s very true. But the information security discussion should be had as a separate discussion to the adult content one. And can, and should, be had much earlier.
So there are a few angles as far as I am concerned:
The conversation about porn not being real etc is important. Link this to a conversation about consent, contraception etc as the temptation is to try what they have seen. If you haven't seen it google the cup of tea consent video which is good to get the message across.
The online safety is just as important - a lot of porn sites have pop ups etc that are at best designed to part you from your money, and at worst will infect your machine with viruses. The worst lead tenagers to take photos of themeselves / others - this is highly illegal, but that may not be obvious to a 12 year old. Stress this, and that they should never take or ask for naked pictures.
Aligned to the above is what to do if they receive unsolicited pictures or other content - make sure thay are happy to talk to you about this. A lot of schools have issues with pictures being circulated widely very quickly once they leak out.
Also talk about them trying to get round controls on content etc - the school network for example is locked down for a reason, and the school will take a dim view if (when) your child or their tech friend figures out how to install a VPN etc.
Finally I would echo the above posters about having access to their devices - just let them know that any device on your netwrok/that you pay for is open to you looking through it at any time. They usually get the message.
Oh and lots of love and hugs- they need that too, especially boys!
Maybe have a look at the thinkuknow.co.uk site, may be something they have resources on (it formsxpart of the NCA response to child sexual abuse despite the .co.Uk address)
I when I was that age, my uncle ran a shipping company out of Gatwick airport, importing Duracel batteries, the transport office was a big wooden shed in one of the warehouses, made of chipboard and every inch inside was covered in hardcore grot, there were always a few lorry’s about on our farm, so we had a decent supply of German material, mostly using the pages for air rifle target practice.
12yr old boy is slightly young but to give an example when i was at school one of my football mates got a girl pregnant at 13.
Your lad will have access to whatever porn he wants to see through loads of routes. Kids these days know what a VPN is, how to get around school wifi rules etc. Their mates phones, computers, ipads. If they want to see it they will. That doesnt make it right, but i took the route of education. Its not the most comfortable chat for a 12yr old boy to have with his parents talking about abuse, drugs etc. The fact most of these girls/women are not doing it through choice. Hopefully the kid is balanced enough to be able to make his own choices.
In the end, we never said dont watch it. Just please understand how horrible it is and if you are going to be stupid, then please make sure you are safe.
Despite porn being freely available since the invention of the world wide web the whole world hasn't fallen apart. Sensible discussions full in the knowledge that kids are always going to do and see what they want to do and see and there's bugger all you can do about that.
Don't forget about the actual sex conversations tho. Remember them? "One up bum, no harm done" - as your mum used to say.
I've 16 and 14 year old lads and had the conversation saying porn isn't real etc. As others have said you can't stop this so you have to educate. It's the some with drugs....well I'm thinking of weed specifically (it's far from uncommon in secondary schools from what I've seen and smelt cycling through the local parks after school), which I see being used by kids today as me and my mates would have used alcohol in the past.
One thing I don't let my kids do is go on tech on their own in their bedrooms.
Oh and stress anything and everything they do online is recorded - show them what they've been looking at if you want them to see. I've a theory that in the future they'll be able to look back at previous generations internet history so could check out what grandad was looking at back in the day.
it’s not real, real women don’t behave like that
No, but girls are also watching and seeing what they perceive to be the expectation from them.
All you can do is state that what they see on Pornhub etc is not representative of a “normal” relationship.
This, very much this.
girls are also watching and seeing what they perceive to be the expectation from them
And this.
A few misconceptions though:
Oh and stress anything and everything they do online is recorded – show them what they’ve been looking at if you want them to see.
Only if they haven't been using the private browsing function. Your ISP could be recording but if they use TOR then that doesn't happen.
On top of this, I block adult content on our WiFi network, parental controls on his devices also limit it, and he’s not allowed YouTube on his devices, only the tv in the living room.
If he’s gonna get it, he’s gonna have to work for it!
See above. Also, YouTube doesn't have porn. By forcing him to "work" for it you're pushing him to potentially accessing the really dark shit, that is not a road I'd want to go down.
Finally I would echo the above posters about having access to their devices – just let them know that any device on your netwrok/that you pay for is open to you looking through it at any time. They usually get the message.
And again, if you want them to be open and honest then you have to give them a reason. Using a trawl of their browsing history as a stick to beat them with does not inspire trust.
The online safety is just as important – a lot of porn sites have pop ups etc that are at best designed to part you from your money, and at worst will infect your machine with viruses. The worst lead tenagers to take photos of themeselves / others
This is why we talk about online safety. The bigger sites like PornHub won't be installing malware and I've never heard of an actual legit porn site that prompted users to upload content.
All the squirrels stole the ones that were in trees.
No I didn't.
it’s not real, real women don’t behave like that
You've clearly never been out clubbing in Blackpool
You’ve clearly never been out clubbing in Blackpool
At the age of 13, my son really doesn’t need to know that what I tell him, and what I have done and may still do, aren’t necessarily the same thing 🙂
Even though he probably suspects this.
Also, YouTube doesn’t have porn
Our “only able to watch YouTube in a public place in the house” restriction isn’t purely to do with porn, it’s more about generally unsuitable content on YouTube of which there is plenty.
We found the talks at school were pretty good. Eldest understood the difference between porn and the real world, we reserved the right to check his phone and devices, but rarely bothered, he's turned out OK. I do think having a younger sister provides some context to the nasty stuff out there.
Waaaaay back when I was a lad I found my dad’s stash of jazz-mags. I used to knab a few and stuff them under my mattress for personal entertainment. I thought I was right clever until one morning my dad popped his head round the bedroom door and said…
“I don’t mind you borrowing them, just pop them back when you’re done hey lad”!
My mum found my stash back in the day, and referred it to my dad to have The Chat, which consisted of "I'm disappointed........that you didn't tell me you had any"
A mate with a paper round used to nick magazines from the "returns" bundle at the shop and made a decent living selling them on...
That's right son it's double ended, yes that is a goat.
We had proper porn boy, proper porn I tell thee!
Thanks for all the input, on the whole it looks like we have got the balance right, with maybe a little tweaking. ie potentially not suing devices in his own bedroom, but then I dont really want him having a tommy tank in the lounge
There was a barber in Trafford Park who, rather than provide old copies of Autocar, Coarse Angler and RAIL mags, had a pile of top shelf jazzers! As a 16 year old apprentice I was a frequent visitor but you had to get the timing right. If you get my drift!
I wonder what sort of searchers this title is bringing to the STW site today? It's an SEO gold-mine for all the wrong reasons.
