Am I Being Unreasonable? MTB Court now in session! #Case002

Take it in turns to have a Saturday ride once a month with mates and then ride together the rest of the time.

Probably the husband 😄

(And I've not even read any of it)

I’m not seeing a ‘side’ here.  They both want to ride together but she seems uncomfortable with it.

But I don’t really want to give up my Saturday rides with my mates.

He wanted the kids, so meh. Be patient until she's back to a place that's acceptable for both on the bike. Compromise is key.

Simon is being selfish and uncaring.

Spend time with your wife here dude - and in a way that encourages and supports her.

I get all the concern and worry she has - and she is not alone. Lack of fitness and time off a bike, let alone physical changes in pregnancy and afterwards knock you for six. Stuff his 'I'm fitter and better' attitude - get dialled into your wife's needs.

Finding others for Rebecca to ride with would be good - but Simon needs to then be on kiddy care, as she currently is when he heads off with friends.

Like mrs_oab and I - we ride together all the time, but also ride separately with friends.

This needs to be sorted now, because Simon will need to think about what he does when the kids join in riding too...

Mid week rides together and alternate Saturdays with friends or a club, perhaps Simon could get Rebecca some coaching sessions for her birthday or even just to say thank you for being an awesome mum.

Take it in turns to have a Saturday ride once a month with mates and then ride together the rest of the time.

Yup and I would also look at a skills course with someone like Katy Curd.

The above two...Bazz and dissonance...have it. IMHO

And N+1 for Rebecca, please. 😉

Simon sounds like a bit of [pick your own adjective]. Probably popular at uni and great fun when he was 20. Only he's still the same. His mates probably are too.

Get a new bike.
Get rid of Simon.

Maybe not in that order.

Maybe I’m not reading between the lines here, but is the issue that he goes out on a Saturday & she doesn’t want him to? Or at least not without her? As far as I can see, he is perfectly happy to ride with her, but he still wants to ride with his mates. He’s said he’s happy to ride with her at her level. Is the issue that she’s lost confidence & he isn’t great at assessing what she (thinks) she is capable of?

EDIT Re-reading it they do get time off to ride midweek together. I don’t really understand who is supposed to change & it what way🤷‍♂️

Re-reading it they do get time off to ride midweek together. I don’t really understand who is supposed to change & it what way🤷‍♂️

Admittedly it isn’t exactly adversarial is it? One of them needs to have an affair or be secretly sneaking off to the woods to shag someone of the same gender to spice this up a bit.

but is the issue that he goes out on a Saturday & she doesn’t want him to?

It's that Rebecca had given up several years of doing the things she likes to raise their children whilst Simon has gone away on lads holidays and the like but he now feels a bit put out at giving up a few Saturday's

Key phrase for me 'I feel like I'm holding him back'

In that alone, Rebecca will not feel comfortable riding with Simon, and it needs to be addressed before anything else imo.

Man/Wife, friends, riding buddies, whatever - in rides of 2 or 3 it just doesn't generally work well for parties concerned where fitness levels and ability are not close to each other. Get a few more people on a group ride and it becomes more manageable, unless it is one person lagging (been there, gave up)

I think they can ride together but go at a leisurely pace for both of them and not put any stress on mileage or speed etc. Waiting for somebody all the time is no good, especially for the morale of the slower one.

Weekends should be split 50/50 between the pair so she can go ride with a group. On that side, Simon is being completely selfish.

It’s that Rebecca had given up several years of doing the things she likes to raise their children whilst Simon has gone away on lads holidays and the like but he now feels a bit put out at giving up a few Saturday’s

But that doesn’t seem to be the issue. Nowhere is she saying “I want to ride with him on a Saturday” Or “I want to go riding on my own/with my mates & he insists on going out instead.” She is saying “I don’t feel comfortable riding with him any more”. People seem to be putting on their own interpretation on this.

They probably should consider talking this over in an open, honest, generous, and empathetic way to understand each other’s perceptions, concerns, and goals.

Alternatively.
Simon needs to grow up a bit and gain some empathy. Otherwise expect him to be moaning on STW about ‘my wife is leaving me and taking the kids and the bikes after meeting someone better than me’

Rebecca seems to have had her confidence knocked by taking on a significant carer role and not riding much. Rather than cling to the past she should assess her current situation and do what she wants.

Simon could follow her up and down the hills at her pace so she doesn't feel like she's keeping him waiting at the top and bottom? Or alternatively get her an eMTB so she won't be keeping him waiting on the ups and her lack of fitness won't matter as much.

Im With Moab on this apart from the N+1 thing( needing some new pads is NOT a good reason to go N+1)

mrs G thats you that is xx

Only change that needs to be made is that he needs to ride up the hills with her, not be waiting at the top, and she needs to pick routes down that challenge her.

Add in a stop for a pint/coffee/whatever and they'll soon remember life isn't all about the kids or riding and they'll start to have fun together, which is what it's really about.

Firstly, I wouldn’t rue out a new bike. If it’s more that 5 year of then Al those advantages of new school geometry will immediately be of benefit. Simon first say how old his bike is? Plenty of bikes to test ride now we are past the majority of supply chain issues.

Secondly, I can’t recommend group riding highly enough. It really worked when my wife stated riding and even now. It’s incredibly difficult to not come across as patronising when trying to encourage your significant other. Help and advice from third parties is a lot easier to take. Rebecca will feel supported and it will lessen the worry of holding Simon up. It doesn’t even need to be a group of other women. Just a group of mixed ability riders. Simon may have to alternate with this new group and his old riding buddies or tar it in turns to go out with different groups. Coming back together to ride as a couple will then be more relaxed and Rebecca with have more confidence.

I don't see a side to take.

Splitting Saturdays seems fair. Rebecca can get some confidence & fitness back, some coaching is never a bad thing.

Also, life moves on. It'll never be the same as before kids so find what works now.

If Simon wants to ride with Rebecca he should leave the e-bike at home and go old school self-propelled. Frankly as the fitter, more skilled rider he's taking the piss when riding an e-bike with an unfit partner.

(I'm at a loss why someone at least 20 years younger than me and apparently in good health would need such a thing but that's just me).

( needing some new pads is NOT a good reason to go N+1)

Dammit.

Sort of related, a mate of mine included an ABC of marriage in his wedding speech -

"C is for Compromising and Climbing. I'll do the climbing"

They're no longer together.............

The waiting at the top of the hills thing aside, I think Simon is being quite reasonable. And it sounds like they share available riding time equally. He can support her, but only Rebecca can do what’s needed to rediscover her mojo, or she’ll have no ownership over her fitness and riding.

Sounds like they need a tandem.

Divorce, find someone who hasn't let themself go.

Just accept that when riding together it will be a pootle. Ride together and chat no flying ahead and waiting at the top. Take easy routes and the confidence will build if it needs to. Not everyone needs to be a downhill pro to have fun.

In our house my wife has the e-bike not me, it levels the playing field

She REALLY should get an e bike, they ride together, and descend on easy trails...

Sorted.

£60 please.

DrP

Shouldn’t have had kids then. Simples

Shouldn’t have had kids then. Simples

I think it's quite difficult to return them though. Something about the CRA not applying to custom orders.

I think it’s quite difficult to return them though

this is true. Assuming the children were a planned choice then having them comes with compromises compared to your poor kids life. Deal with it

Deal with it.

Indeed, but 'planned or unplanned' it's all the same; you either chose to have them or you weren't careful if you didn't plan to, or want to. In this scenario, not being careful is also a choice.

Ok, if I’m reading this right, Simon has a eeb and Rebecca doesn’t.

Simon is smoking Rebecca on climbs and waiting at the top.

Rebecca things she is holding Simon back (not surprised if she is getting to the tops of hills where he is waiting)

Simon doesn’t think Rebecca needs to replace her six year old bike while he has what is likely a very recent e-bike (and maybe another bike)?

Simon needs to stop being a dick, properly support Rebecca and stop prioritising riding with his mater over riding with Rebecca. He needs to either ride the e-bike in low or zero assist and just go for a steady ride with her. No zooming ahead, just ride with her at every point during the ride. Stick with her in climbs, stop for a break if she needs it.

But above all, just ride  No expectations, no tips, just get out on bikes together  Start Doing that and everything will just slot into place  If Rebecca needs a new bike, it will become apparent quickly (she does, btw). If some skills coaching would help - buy her some (it would, and what a gift!) .

is this real? will the couple involved respect the verdict? and who is looking after the children when they are out on midweek rides?

edit:

definitely real:

I feel like she doesn’t let me help her or offer advice

I don’t mind waiting for her to catch up and it’s nice to spend time together without the kids

if he stayed with her on the climbs they could spend even more time together

before i make a decision on who is wrong, i want to know more about their relationship in general.

Simon needs to stop being a dick,

are you saying he should sell his e-bike?

I've already lost this battle in my house. The very idea of a lads holiday on the bikes is laughable.

Also, I've got a 2 year old son who I kind of like spending time with.

I love the idea that Dads can just piss off out for a day when the kids are young. That was the exception not the rule when ours were little.

The boss expects equal time for her interests/activities (which don't much align with mine), plus she likes to go places and do things with me also. So me pissing off out with the lads for a ride is the marginal occurrence (and often comes with recrimination after the fact), it's certainly not a regular thing.

Simon sounds like a bit of a man-child...

A couple with young kids being able to ride together just the two of them (or do anything together just the two of them)?!

There's 1st world problems and then there's 'massively fortunate bordering on unrealistic but still complaining about it anyway' problems.

Both of them need to stop complaining before every parent in the country collectively wees in their shoes.

I recognise a lot of what Simon says -  No children involved here but I am a stronger rider than Mrs NBT. Like Simon I have no issues with the whole waiting at the top thing and am just happy be out with my wife. In many cases though, I know she's already decided that she won't be able to ride up / down that bit, which I find sad - because I have more confidence in her abilities than she has, so it's just a little sad that I think she's going to be able to do it then she doesn't even try. Doesn't mean I don't wan to ride together though -  I'd rather ride with my wife than my mates.

Having said all that - Simon is being a dick. Ride a non-ebike with Rebecca, and give up most if not all Saturdays, either to let Rebecca ride with ladies on Saturdays, so she doesn't feel the pressure of riding with her husband, or to ride more together. Buy her a new bike if it will help her feel better about riding - it doesn't have to be an e-bike if that's not what Rebecca wants, just having a new bike is a boost in itself (listen to the voice of experience). Realise that Rebecca needs to ride with / listen to other people telling her how good she is - as her husband you are expected to be encouraging, so she needs independent backup that this is indeed the case. This may be a skills course, or just riding with other people. Either way, it's your turn to step back

Rebecca also need to listen to other people though. Time off bike means skills and fitness and confidence all need a little top-up, that's all

Simon needs to step up and make some compromises - can't hog all Saturdays for rides with mates and expect wife to look after your kids. Saturday needs a 50/50 split or, even better, make them family rides rather than with mates and include the kids in it. If kids are young then Mac Rides / Kids Ride Shotgun, if they're older then tow ropes until they start smoking you on the climbs (at which point ebike for mum and dad). Simon's being a twonk if he reckons it's fair and appropriate to bugger off every Saturday with his mates, IMO.

Some similarities with our situation although hopefully I'm not behaving like a twonk. Weekday evening ride with mates is the main extent of my MTBing at the moment, with a fair bit of early morning solo gravel rides - fit it around the kids and Mrs a11y's own interests, a healthy balance. Weekends are family rides with the kids, hopefully nurturing them for a future when they'll still not be embarassed to ride with their mum and dad.

Weekend away days with mates - and ideally family - will come again.

How can he look after his family if he doesn't look after himself?

People need the space that social interaction and sport gives them. I had a similar issue when I was younger. My partner complained I spent too much time cycling and surfing. It was actually detailed in the divorce as examples of unreasonable behaviour (yes, really)!

I would argue that you can have a fat depressed husband... or you can have one that will return in a few hours excited, happy, full of energy (after a strategic nap), and motivated to carry on slaving away monday to friday for the benefit of the family.

If you read a book by the founder of Patagonia clothing entitled "let my people go surfing", you will learn that you can't expect people to give something the attention it deserves or be happy... when they are missing waves (or the techy mates ride).

I don't really see a dilemma here. She is not asking him to give up his mates rides... and they both agree they are happy together at an easier pace.

Do both rides... do it all.

Stop complaining and get stuck in. If she is not getting the support she needs to get her mojo back,... waiting for it to happen won't work. f him and set an objective and go get it. Go to the woods and nail that drop off like you used to. Book yourself in with a coach? Buy some knee pads for confidence. Think it. Feel It. *ing do it.

Also, it is OK for it to not be the same as you/it used to be. Life happens, people get older, get wiser, more risk adverse. Just enjoy it for what it is. You don't ned to be fast or get big air.

agghhh. I've gone off Rebecca and Simon. They have nice bikes, a family, can ride during the week. If there was an issue or problem here it would be a 1st world problems... that they didn't need to share.

Can we have a voting option of "shut the **** up"?

agghhh. I’ve gone off Rebecca and Simon. They have nice bikes, a family, can ride during the week. If there was an issue or problem here it would be a 1st world problems… that they didn’t need to share.

Can we have a voting option of “shut the **** up”?

100% this!

*yes, I am very envious

I agree. Im really not sure what the point of this article is? Clickbait?

I've read it but am struggling to give a shit. Both seem to get out riding and have kids. How the **** are they managing that!!

How can he look after his family if he doesn’t look after himself?

By forward planning, acceptance of the situation he's placed himself in, compromise where required, and following rule #1.

Lifestyles change; sometimes it's planned, such as having kids, or sometimes it's forced upin you, like illness. But it invariably carries on.

I’ve read it but am struggling to give a shit. Both seem to get out riding and have kids. How the **** are they managing that!!

I am intrigued by those who *do not* manage to get out.

We had three kids under four years old at one point and still managed to hold some friendships, bike rides and walks without kids for both mrs_oab and I. As soon as they were school age we also managed to get a weekend away leaving other half with the three kids. And of course all 5 of us rode bikes, from old enough to hold up their head in a seat or trailer.
And yes we both worked. And did up a house x2.
When we moved to Scotland, the amount of time outdoors as a family exploded, and the amount of time we as a couple or individually headed outdoors for a ride / run / pint with a friend also increased.

I've still not read it.

But I did tell you it was the husbands fault 😎

As soon as they were school age we also managed to get a weekend away leaving other half with the three kids.

Wait, are you saying you managed a weekend away with the mistress while leaving the kids with your other half?

I think I understand now how you managed to get so much done.

I am intrigued by those who *do not* manage to get out.

people who don’t have any family or family close by can struggle to spend time together with young children.

people who don’t have any family or family close by can struggle to spend time together with young children

I agree. In Sheffield family was 45 miles away. In Scotland, 300 miles away.
Yet still we had great family time, some couple time and some individual time.
It's difficult, yes, but maybe it's down to priorities..?

I agree. In Sheffield family was 45 miles away. In Scotland, 300 miles away.
Yet still we had great family time, some couple time and some individual time.
It’s difficult, yes, but maybe it’s down to priorities..?

I think leaving 4 year olds to fend for themselves is frowned upon.

Also, it is OK for it to not be the same as you/it used to be. Life happens, people get older, get wiser, more risk adverse. Just enjoy it for what it is. You don’t ned to be fast or get big air.

This is the response I've been mulling over, I think there's plenty of people I know who once adult life comes along with things like children, a mortgage and career / business to keep on top of, riding down scary stuff stops being scary fun and just becomes scary scary.

Lots of suggestions on this thread feel a bit like they're suggestions on how to "fix" Rachel so she can get back to riding the sort of things Simon enjoys (both from Simon and posters here). But no one seems to want to ask what Rachel *wants* to do. Perhaps they need to talk through what sort of rides Rachel wants and if she wants to do the sort of riding that's more about exploring and spending time together (dare I generalise it as gravel riding?), they need to talk about that and plan that sort of ride rather than heading out to find the gnarr that she really doesn't want to ride down.