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The woods are funny place so what have you seen?
A man practicing bag pipes. People having sex. A group walking lamas. A naked man in his car at night with the interior light on. Naked hikers!
A real, genuine Cinnamon Girl...
😉
Binners
Doggers.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.
Someone making a porn movie (amature I think, they were using a Rover 214)
Met a porn star and her makeup artist friend in the ride start/finish pub. I noticed the place seemed somewhat different as soon as we walked in - she was on the way home from a spot of filming and she weren't no wallflower!! Not entirely impossible but the pub is proper in the middle of nowhere. Different.
Saw a guy getting a nosh once at the bottom of a darkened lane.
Saw a woman in a basque leaning up against a jeep for a sexy photo shoot in the Goyt Valley once. I didn't know what say so I just went 'WAHEYY' as I rode past.
Rode out of the mists above Folkestone years ago to be confronted by approximately 100 yards of barbed fencing strung with dead jackdaws every 12 inches or so. Proper freaked me out. That and a body hanging from a tree in Kings Wood near Challock.
Bloke practicing bagpipes for me too, oddly.
Oh, and a bloke on a weird moped scrambler bike asking me and my mate where the best trails were on rivvy. We showed him, then he stacked it 5 or 6 times near the chimes gardens and carried on getting up. Giving us the thumbs up that he was ok (he clearly wasn’t) to only continue his adventure. I’ll never ever forget my mates face when he took power at a drop off.
Saw a guy skiing (full get up apart from chav sportswear) down an inner city pavement (long and sloped) at 3:30 in morning, in spring (yes no snow). I let on as I passed, he acknowledged "alright mate"
A bloke in a mobility scooter pretending to be a race car, at 630 in the morning
2 maybe 3 guys (I didn't want to see what was going on), half naked in an old stone sheep pen. A mate reckons they had a camera on a tripod too.
A naked rambler in Long Dale, Middleton By Youlgrave
I obviously cycle through the wrong woods... 🤣
A office chair with restraints for arms and legs. A old mini turned into a pirate ship.
There must be something about bagpipes!!
Last year in the middle of the Quantocks we bumped into 2 heavily intoxicated old gentlemen up on one of the trig points. One of them was playing the bagpipes (quite well actually) while the other one was flying a massive kite tied to a huge reel of fishing line.
This thing was up so high you could barely see it. I've got pictures somewhere.
Naked rambler on the downhill from Great Dodd. Are there lots of naked ramblers, or does he just get around a bit?
A bunch of druids conducting a ceremony of some sort.
A teenage girl getting a nosh in broad daylight on the footpath at the end of my road. I had to give a cheery ‘Good morning!’ So I could get past. I think I spoiled the moment for her.
Apart from the usual stuff at Cannock, a naked rambler on the Wrekin.
Convinced Chobham Common is the dogging capital of England.
A miniature yellow submarine and a floating duck island made out of a purple Reliant Scimitar. Both on a lake I ride past often, I’ve never seen anyone there or any ducks.
Lots of people dressed as knights/vikings/WW2 soldiers for various bits of filming or re-enactments.
A girl having a poo next to a tree, with her friend not doing as good from shielding her as she would’ve liked. Cue laugher from us, and shrieking from them.
Seen a few other in various states of undress and compromising situations but that seems to be the norm!
Out of the mist in the Lakes a pack of Foxhounds overtook me followed by a bunch of grown men in foxhunting outfits but no horses, if only I'd had a coconut shell with me!
Whilst threading my way through some large bushes along a quiet trail on Holmbury Hill, came across a group of Orcs complete with large plastic swords waiting to ambush (presumably) some elves/dwarves/whatever... I was jokingly challenged then allowed to continue.
At the top of Lythe Fell Rd, Bowland a woman in the back of a Volvo V70 doing a glamour shoot. She looked freezing cold.
A chap who had just hanged himself... Is the most depressingly weird.
Lots of other stuff; naked ramblers etc.
Middle aged bloke wearing only a thong on the moor above kinder reservoir.
Used to see a lady who would walk around with a parrot on her shoulder.
A guy on the middle of a trail in a hammock asleep.
A group of about 20 people of all ages dressed up as wizards, they told me they are looking for dragons.
A decapitated deers head
A crucified Woody from Toy Story doll nailed to a tree.
Whilst threading my way through some large bushes along a quiet trail on Holmbury Hill, came across a group of Orcs complete with large plastic swords waiting to ambush (presumably) some elves/dwarves/whatever… I was jokingly challenged then allowed to continue.
We came back to the car park and found them all getting ready, loads of them, wizards, elves, trolls, fairies, hobbits. They were practicing their battle moves, putting prosthetics on, it was so funny, made our day.
Christmas League Gentleman edition being filmed...at chapel of last hope, mid summer.
There must be something about bagpipes!!
If your next door neighbour practiced the bagpipes, how long before it would get annoying? That's why they play in the woods 🙂
Apart from the usual collection of doggers, a medieval battle, and Dr.Who's Tardis.
Two (separate incidents) hangings, a crime scene dig in the middle of Epping forest on a night ride of a shallow grave & a pair of tits.
What did you guys do upon discovery on the people hanging? Always wondered what I do in that situation and woods around here are terrible for it, so only a matter of time really..
A cockatoo being taken for a walk along Riverside Park on a lead, while I rode by on my Wazoo in full fat mode, smiley faces everywhere!
Guys on fat bikes.
Rode through a halloween costume party on a night ride in my local woods, got hexed by a wizard, chased by a werewolf, and nearly rode over a really pissed skeleton
What did you guys do upon discovery on the people hanging?
Recoil and ring the police.
HT550 this year 2nd to last day cannot remember the hill we I was pushing up, Croatian guy 300 metres ahead was walking naked apart from is rucksack due to the sweat salt rubbing on his bits he was in a world of pain 🙂
last September I passed by one of the rowing clubs on the Tyne and saw the 20 strong female crew posing naked with their boat for the annual calendar shoot, on the way back the chaps were out posing. Strava shows my slowest ever ride along that section was on that day...
I also once cycled past an elephant standing in a field, odd thing to see in Gateshead on a Sunday morning.
What did you guys do upon discovery on the people hanging?
Head off in a different direction, as that one was clearly a dead end.
Usual doggers,
rode through the middle of a crime series being filmed in near by woods, thought it was a police search at first then saw all the camera’s, they were not to please when I popped up out of nowhere.
Man having a poo on a trail.
Loads of incoherent, gap tooth alcoholics that shout something at you and do that alcie hand gesture when riding through the villages round here.
Whinlatter North red, a couple getting jiggy just to the side of the trail.
In the Alps a naked German coulpc ( well into pensionable age) walking down one of the trails.
Wildlife of various sorts, Deer foxes owls...
A tent
A brand new white garden chair, in the middle of some woods. No one around. No idea why it was there.
The pushchair at the bottom of the slab at Dalbeattie was a bit weird. Like, I've pushed this child round half the black route but that last feature was too much man
A pigs head, loads of people having sex, a guy facing into the trail taking a piss.
A dog eating a deer's leg, no sign of the rest of the deer or the dog owner.
A jacobite village filled with time travellers (turns out they were filming Outlander).
Doggers.
A naked rambler.
Adults in white cloaks carrying crosses, bottled water and a sleeping child.
Almost forgot the devil worshippers down near Ron's Playground on Caerphilly mountain.
Doggers on night rides; when the portable daylight attached to my helmet illuminated them the look on their faces is amazing. They are not never much to look at though.
Some form of witch gathering in the woods, clothed but dancing round and waving sticks and stuff.
Saw a woman walking a small dog with a large African grey parrot on her shoulder.
Yeah Doggers, a chap looking like he was performing a Saxaphone solo on his friend whilst another stood by conducting with his wand in-hand.
A pair of Vampires in wedding dresses in a photo shoot throwing cup cakes at the camera.
A family having a lovley BBQ in ‘the park’ which was actually the fairway of Golf Course.
Rhodri Morgan listening to PMQs on his iPod.
A CXer clear a section I didn’t fancy on my 6” trail bike.
Years ago I bumped into a fella complaining bitterly about the chainstay on his new On One. Never heard anything more about it after that though and always wondered if it turned out alright in the end ...
Rode through the middle of a film set a couple of months ago. It was Dr Doolittle apparently. A chuffing great 12ft high pair of doors and many metres of wall all made out of wood and what not. Looked amazing.
And some sort of medieval village a while back. Another film set. There’s lots of that sort of thing round here.
The only naked people I’ve seen whilst out have been old blokes enjoying the sunshine.
saw a guy running towards me from a distance wearing weird skin coloured lycra the as he got closed I could see something flapping about... Then I realised there was no lycra
Feel like i've led a sheltered riding life. So glad i've not seen a hanging though, or doggers. Did see an escaped wallaby in woods near Reading, my pic made it to the local paper:
3 guys bumming each other, needed eye bleach after that.
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2 36pint barrels of ale (empty sadly) in literally the middle of nowhere.
Discarded rubber husband complete with condom on.
mate and I rode down into a quiet valley and both thought it was a good enough spot to take a breather.....
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We guiding a group through Tuxertal, Austria one year when I rounded an old barn and the was some guy getting a blowey from a lady in her Dirndl (traditional dress). 12 of us rode by each wishing them a nice day.
Two naked elderly ramblers.....
Old Man Thong regularly on the road, upper Test Valley. I was informed of his existence by Mrs B, and thought she';d been drinking more than usual (tricky proposition to be honest) - then we encountered him, and now I can't appear to shake him off. Ahem.
All I could think was - ' the chafing'. I doubt even BumButter is going to fix that.
Just been reminded that I saw a wallaby too, no pics.
some guy getting a blowey from a lady in her Dirndl
You see, that right there.One for the bucket list.
I think anyone that used to ride Swinley a few years back can remember riding along then just in the middle of the forest there was a Harry Potter film set, great big facade of a house just plonked in the middle.
That and the regular raves under the bridge, came down one trail at a fair lick only two find two ravers just lying in the middle of the trail looking at the sky.
Someone walking their dog up a very clearly signposted trail.
- The dog wasn't liking it. The gradients makes it pretty much "un get-uppable".
- The human wasn't liking it.
- The trail was marked at multiple spots as bikes only.
I wonder what they were thinking.
An albino stag up at Ashridge - came round a corner and nearly ran into it before it took off.
I saw a man performing the Heimlich on his friend, right next to the railway climb up Tunnel Hill
They were so vigorous that it appears their trousers had fallen down, but it had clearly worked because the man recovered really quickly and ran off once they heard me coming.
Approaching. I mean approaching!!
Amorous couple in a car in Spain. Considering the size of the car, it was impressive.
Stumbled through the set of Robin Hood.
A friend turned a corner to be confronted by space ships - it was the set of Phantom Menace.
Bumped into a guy on a penny farthing a few weeks back.
A load of ladies underwear and lingerie pages from catalogues inside a cold war bunker (Croatia). I believe the 'owner' had been pinching the underwear off washing lines in the local village.
A knife fight, with a machete (Grenada).
A load of kangaroos. In the Chilterns.
Edit: guiding a group of school kids on a low-level alpine ride in Austria. Met a gorgeous red-headed lady sunbathing topless outside an alpine hut by a trough I'd planned to use as a bottle refill stop. She was lovely – in many ways – and totally non-plussed by the 14-16yr old English boys with their jaws on the floor.
A Druid coven enacting some sort of ritual. Didn't hang about in case I became the next course. Two knights in full armour battering each other with swords in the same woods. Who would have thought Bridge of Allan could be so exciting??
A fair few undressed folks, including two guys having a bit of a naked wrestling match in the back of a Landrover that they'd just pulled into a passing place. No problem with that, except it was about 2.30pm on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Get A Room!!
Oooh, an exotic photoshoot just to the side of the wee road down to Mungrisdale from the end of the Skiddaw House trail in the Lakes. The photographer was desperately trying to cover up the lady's bits as three of us rode past, but she was just giggling and laughing. She was a fine looking young woman.
Saw a couple of guys playing hide the sausage over baggeridge and a lady bouncing up and down on a guy on the canal towpath, not off to the side on the towpath itself!
It's hard to ride one handed !!
This morning saw a chap having a crafty fag outside an ammunition and explosives storage depot, right next to a huge sign saying 'No Smoking within 15m'. When he saw me he hastily stubbed it out, clearly after a Darwin Award.
Naked rambler, heading towards Denbies Vineyard (is there a club?)
Guy taking saucy photos of his girlfriend on one of the busiest paths on Mickleham.
This little vignette tucked into the fold of a tree next to another path in the Surrey Hills
a tracksuit clad skinhead noshing off his mate with his tracky bottoms round his ankles. they protested that they were looking for his 'small dog' when they clocked me
bloke shitting ON THE TRAIL so had to swerve round him and his shit laughing
lots of re-enactment type people dressed like medieval types with beards (including the princesses)
doggers
people shagging in a car with the lights on wanted to be 'dogged'
a fox cub
lots of weird line choices
Recently it was cycling past a load of LARPers. Nothing unusual in that really, see them quite often on Woodbury.
On this occasion however, two orcs in full gear and rubber masks started chasing me. They were shouting something, but it was a bit muffled by the masks. As they got a bit closer I could make out they were shouting 'Sir, sir.'
Turned out it was a couple of my nerdiest yr11 students. Made my day 😄
No scenes from Kill List?
A colleague of my mum's said she came across a full-on provo training exercise in a remote part of the Mourne Mountains in the 70s (walking, not mtbing tho).
Druids, ran before I became lunch
A few years ago I found a cheque lying in the forest for around £4k.