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A trail called Rollercoaster will always be disappointing
Riders of pink bikes are always either be ludicrously fast or painfully slow
A trail with more than 3 corners in a row will, inevitably, end up being named "Berm Baby Berm"
What you got?
"WATCH THIS, EVERYONE!" or "That looks doable" = CRASH
anything new will be denounced, mountain bikers are only mountain bikers if they started at least a year before they invented bikes 🙂
Gravel rash hurts when you try to wash it out.
A flooded rut is always deeper than you think
Pre-planned rides that involve a long drive and/or camping will always include rain and/or lots of wet mud.
mountain bikers are dicks
The midges will always find you before you can finish changing a tube.
Sheep poo will always find your mouth if you ride through it.
catastrophic mechanicals always happen at the furthest point from home.
CaptainFlashheart - Member
"WATCH THIS, EVERYONE!" or "That looks doable" = CRASH
Add to this.
"Here, hold my beer"
If you don't decide your route before setting off you [i]will[/i] waste time at the points of decision.
It's just pishing about on bikes
You are faster/slicker/gnarlier when nobody is watching/there
You only find your rhythm in the last kilometer
Punctures come in threes
Mountain bikers compare injuries like Quint and Hooper in Jaws
A STWer will moan about the uphills.
The last mile of a clean dry ride will take you through the farmyard from hell, knee deep in stinking slurry.
someone will always say " it rolls "
It's impossible to accurately warn someone about a particular feature on a new to them trail. You'll either over or under estimate that features importance, and ruin the rest of the trail for them instead!
There's a trail called Rollercoaster in Finale that's lots of fun.
The older I get the better I was.
Events you pay for in advance will always be sh*te weather
The go-pro footage you just uploaded is dull and boring to everyone but you.
faff
You always want a newer, shinier bike
The best tool in your toolbox is a credit card 🙄
The go-pro footage you just uploaded is dull and boring to everyone but you.
It just confirms how slow you are, even when you think you were riding really fast!
Riding an entry level bike is just as much fun as riding a ridiculously expensive state of the art one.
Home trails will catch you out and have you off at least once a year.
The time you decide to not wear your pads...is the time you wreck.
MTB riders are overwhelmingly middle aged white men.
Trail centre car parks have as many BMW's and Audis as tatty vans.
Cake is the fuel of champions!
People who say 'I think' or 'Yeah I'm sure' when describing route finding should be ignored. As should anyone who shows no interest in looking at a map when it comes out. They will be the first to complain if there's any back tracking or the trail turns out to be different to their unfounded expectations, or if they have to ride back up hill having missed the fork they were warned about.
Newbies in the Lake District will always say "I thought we were going on a bike [i]ride[/i]" when they have to shoulder or push it.
Totally agree with maxtorque.
These days the trails are alive.*
*Presumably they were dead before.
Very occasionally your energy levels/fitness and the people you ride with with align and you will have a great ride, without any waiting or struggling up hills.
the more comedy the fall, the more witnesses there will be
Dog bombs are hidden on the apex of a fast corner.
You forget the camera on the day the light is 'just right'.
The trail pictures never look as good as being there.
[b]MTbers are never honest about their abilities / skills even anonymously.[/b]
Whenever I’m on an MTB forum (STW is the very best of the bunch for honesty in fairness) and someone is waxing lyrical about some trail or other…. “[i]yeah it’s all pretty standard stuff, you know – starts with a 6ft drop to flat, then you might have to throw a few pedal strokes in to make the 20ft double cleanly, then it’s just the near vertical off-camber root and rock fest and the 8ft step-up to the 8” wide landing and then you’re on to the really tough part of Verderers”[/i]. I’m reminded of a thread on BikeRadar back when it was still MBUK, it was called “how big a drop can you do on a Hardtail”.
Some youngster (based on their use of language) simply wanted a yard-stick of what you can get away with on a hardtrail, as we know there is no real answer to this, so many factors, most of them not bike related – but most of the posters really focused on the “can you do” part of the question.
First poster – “I’ve been doing 2-3ft drops on mine for years, not issues yet”
Second poster- “I’ve been dropping 3-4ft to flat for years on mine, easy”
Third poster “6ft, no biggie”
And so it carried, on by the end you’d expect to hear about how the poster had to fit surplus NASA heat shields to their downtube to survive re-entry, even stranger than that posters who got in early with almost believable stats must have got spooked through the day and came back with tales of 8ft drops onto jagged rocks “In Afan” that they’d forgotten about.
I’m not a great rider, I’ve been doing it for over a decade now, but I’m pretty cautious for lots of sensible, boring grown-up reasons, in years gone by I’ve tried to read up about places before I go there only to be put off by tales of heroism and daring or worse yawning reviews of places seemingly too boring in their simplicity for the poster to bother saying if they were fun to ride or not, only to find the reality is slap bang in the middle so whenever I read someone saying how Rampage esq Willy Waver is, or how the Plenny is only really suitable for the sick or elderly and no challenge I wonder aloud how big a drop they could do on a hard tail.
Folks will l always complain that trail centres are not "real mountain biking"
You will always have that one friend who needs to faff before the start of the ride
Punctures always happen at the furthest point
That you should NEVER say "one last go" or "one last run" it is a precursor to something painful each and every time
You will always have that one friend who needs to faff before the start of the ride
WAVES
One riding buddy now calls me Captain Faff
That one friend who never carries a tube because they "never get punctures" will get 3 punctures and borrow everyone else's tubes.
Tube donors will all promptly receive punctures
No matter how fast you think you are, there's always a local on a singlespeed hardtail ready to serve you a vast portion of humble pie.
if you look at the tree [b]you will hit the tree[/b]
stop
looking
at
it.
Now.
too late, you've hit it :facepalm:
If you've an audience you will crash, the amount of embarrassment/pain is directly proportional to the audience
E.g. yoof with BMX you will rupture your spleen falling from a kerb drop
Faffage time is proportional to the square of the number of people in the group.
P-Jay
MTbers are never honest about their abilities / skills even anonymously.
In addition: It's pretty much impossible to ride exactly the same trail as another rider.
I.E. You can ride slowly down a black DH run, walk around all the features, and say "don't know what all the fuss was about..." and vise versa, you can hit every bump, lump, iffy enduro line and lip/sender on what looks to be a fairly tame Blue trail whilst doing mach3 and say "wow, that blue line is full on" or similar!!
New wheels/frame/forks will get scratched first ride out.
If you pack warmer gear in your 'bak it'll be wall to wall sunshine, if you don't it'll drop 5degrees and rain once out of sight of the car.
big +1It's impossible to accurately warn someone about a particular feature on a new to them trail.
route leaders will always forget about just how much hikeabike there is.Newbies in the Lake District will always say "I thought we were going on a bike ride" when they have to shoulder or push it.
[quote=on and on ]The go-pro footage you just uploaded is dull and boring to everyone [s]but[/s] including you.
Its extremely unlikely to be sunny in Wales. Always pack for rain, even if you other half is spending the day on the beach where you live (assuming not Wales).
Wherever there is a choice of direction on a route, the direction you need will be the one that is the most uphill.
I WILL be 20-30 mins late back from the ride and will get 10mins of pram face.
Was in Wales this weekend, no clear sun in the sky just clouds everywhere...get to the Severn bridge on the way back and it was like stepping off a plan somewhere sunny.
The tube borrowers / donees getting punctures thing definitely happens.
Losing / breaking new stuff after replacing old stuff you've had for years and could not destroy even if you wanted to.
There will never be too many niches
Yeah... the tube thing is weird. A few months ago at Afan I thought I'd garnered some trail karma by donating my only spare tube to a bunch of punctured neewbs who had none. About 30 mins later I suffered an un-patchable snakebite and was forced to walk the rest of the way back home.. 🙄
Never trust a mate who tells you a trail you've never riden before is all "rollable" !!!!
When you've used your spare tube(s) and inevitably get another puncture, having to resort to the patch kit that's been lurking in the bottom of your Camelbak for years, the bastard glue has alway dried up rendering it completely useless 👿
Never listen to manufacturers hyperbole.
That you should NEVER say "one last go" or "one last run" it is a precursor to something painful each and every time
Too true! And not just biking, can be applied to almost everything. At this point, always say nah, I've had enough...
The day you expect that trail to dry out enough will be the day it rains.
It's not a proper ride without cake and coffee.
If you claim to be a bike cafe and don't have baked potatoes available, you aren't.
You will feel like shit on the third day of a multi-day bike trip.
All expensive new bikes are the BEST thing the purchaser has ever ridden.
After watching any of the Earthed DVD's you will think you are Sam Hill. Your next ride will be a painful experience that proves you are definitely not Sam Hill 😳 😳
Mountain biking shoes will be wet Aug to May, there is no point fighting it.
Mountain bikers will always assume that riding a mountain bike gives them some form of incredible upper body strength unavailable to any other cyclist.
Flat pedal mountain bikers will always assume that people who use SPDs or similar 'cheat' at bunny hops.
The mountain bike uniform is baggy shorts, 'MTB' helmet, Camelbak filled to the brim with useless shite, baggy T shirt and gloves. Whatever the weather...
You join a new to you group of MTBers for a ride. The fastest guy there will be on an old, but originally high spec bike, he won't mouth off about how great he is, or ride in a showy way, but, you'll set off, and one moment he's in front of you, and then, he's gone...... 😉
"It'll go". Many times said. Often it doesn't
Most riders over-dress.
if you look at the tree you will hit the tree
stop
looking
at
it.
Now.
too late, you've hit it :facepalm:
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taxi25 - MemberNever trust a mate who tells you a trail you've never riden before is all "rollable" !!!!
I've more or less stopped it now but rolling the unrollable used to be my special trick. Drop onto bashring, teeter for a bit... And bear in mind, this was back when most people still thought triple rings were a good idea. So when I said "Yeah, this all rolls, I did it last week" you really had to see the big picture 😆