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Perhaps its the fresh air that does it, or the rhythmic massaging of the intestines as my legs go round, but once again today I was caught up in the eternal minefield that is the art of impromptu trail side defecation.
we all know the familiar abdominal pangs, flowing across us in cold waves as our stomach turns somersaults and the turtle starts making his way towards the escape chute - and you know that much as you'd like to hold it in, you're going to have to find somewhere discreet and undisturbed to present your own offering to the gods of organic fertiliser - however there are numerous practicalities to consider and I need advice on whether I'm committing any social faux pas in my emergency egg laying procedure.
i) location - how far is far enough off the trail to not be seen, but at the same time not so far that you have to shred your legs in brambles or leave the bike out of sight, because obviously in the middle of nowhere you're still paranoid that someone will nick it while you're unable to chase after them cos your shorts are round your ankles (see point ii), oh, and one hint - keep an eye out for nettles! (I don't want to think about the risk of snakes bite...)
ii) bib tights - now, I normally wear bibs, and I usually wear a top loose over those bibs - however that means that when charlie has to do his chocolate factory work, the top needs to come off as well, not a good thing to be stripped to the waist squatting for England as we know that it will probably end up with a bunch of nuns walking round the corner and finding you [i]in flagrante [/i]- I normally try and slip my arms out under my shirt in a "girl changing her swimsuit" fashion, but with long sleeve tops this 'aint gonna work! Any solutions there, or do you guys wear your bibs over a base layer?
iii) Squat or Lean - Now, I normally squat down for a stealth dump , however there's a problem here - the importance of remembering to hold all the loose bits of clothing forward and high so you don't cover them with streaks, at the same time you need to point percy in the right direction so that the inevitable no1 that arrives with the no2 doesn't seep through the mesh of your cycling shoes - the alternative of course being to lean back whilst using a branch to support you - but in the event that branch gives way then you're gonna be covered, and you still need to keep percy targeted in a safe area!
iv) The wipe - Now, the boy scouts taught me to be prepared, so there's now normally something for this purpose in the base of my bag, and no-one wants to resort to doc leaves which inevitably result in being caught brown handed, so allow me here to impart some wisdom - normal loo paper disintegrates too easily in the bag, Izal is tough and practical but reminds me too much of being in school in the early eighties, however a solution is at hand, heres a great big thank you to KFC for the magical Lemon scented wipes that leave my ring with a zesty fresh tingle for the rest of the day 🙂
however, beyond the correct tissue, what exactly is polite procedure for the disposal of the documentary evidence? Is it OK to roll it up and bury it or should one have a zip lock bag to cart the used paper/wipes out in - and the same goes for ones "little monument" should you leave it in situ like a proud statement of your presence there, or hide it with some kicked up leaves/soil?
So, does anyone have any advice on the best way to avoid embarrassment in polite company through the mistaken failure to follow correct procedure whilst composing ones thoughts?
Burn it (the paper that is). Could be tricky with lemon zesty wipes however...
Make sure you're upwind of the smoke though 🙂
Forget wipes/tissues if you can, use something natural, a rock(not flint or granite) moss, etc.....
As for a choice location, i guess i'm lucky as where i ride there's lots of hidden places to turn one out, however this time of year offers an evil terror you'd not want infesting your under regions, TICKS!! so careful squatting procedures need to be followed...ideally climb a tree away from the tick zone which is up to a metre off the ground, if your clever you can find a moss covered tree which not only provides you which wiping material, it also makes a comfy seat...Now look for a forked limb to squat on, this will aid as a cheek spreader so will help in avoiding smears during passing of the chocolate log.
The stick and flick method should be used for disposal, or a clever trick is too crap in a piece of bark, then you can collect and transfer it too a place of your choice....if the stool is a bit loose then a compressed gas inflater can be used to freeze the turd to help in flicking effectively.
we all know the familiar abdominal pangs
no, we don't! In 12 years of regular riding I have never felt this. I have the feeling that riding suppresses the action of the digestive tract as the blood flows to the muscles
Obviously he is pootling along too much
I've never felt the need to sh*t at the side of a trail. If it was ever that bad I would have gone [i]before[/i] the bike ride. If I didn't need to go before the ride, its never bad enough that I couldn't wait until after bike riding
simonfbarnesno, we don't! In 12 years of regular riding I have learnt it's best to include a deep water crossing in which i can open my bowels, then i take great pleasure in photographing others fall off into my liquid shite
You're a sick sick man...
You're a sick sick man
well, whoever wrote that is...
Happend to me 3 times, hobnobs usually to blame.
Not my proudest moments.
this thread has the potential to be this year's picolax legend...
keep it going chaps.
The bum lard often applied to stop chaffing should help the loaf pinch out easier with less wiping required.
[i]have the feeling that riding suppresses the action of the digestive tract as the blood flows to the muscles [/i]
Right and wrong, if your body decides it needs more blood it will get rid of anything that uses up resources 'fight or flight' only had to go whilst riding myself when induced by food or drink the night before.
Definitely grease up; Not only are hobnoby ones quite dry but as you've been holding back (trying to avoid the inevitable) it can be a painful experience letting go.
And for those with the 'go before you leave' advice, just you wait. One day...
Mate had a nature poo on the hills in wales a couple of summers ago. Used fern to do wiping duties, he then got home and was ill all week, and covered in a rash 😆
Oh and if you are a bovey tracey old railway line and need a preride dump.
Do NOT!
Leave it until you've put your bibtights on.
In fact all your winter kit on.
Do NOT seek a dumping ground away from passers by in the direction to the left of the railway entrance.....
DO NOT get desperate and squat at a last resort 'oh crap it's tooo late' next tree you find...in my case a freaking HOLLY tree
Thus resulting in the wiping material not being of good choice..
Leading too a waddle around the clearing trying to find a smooth something to wipe the now burning ring of fire.
Should really dig a hole and bury it, as when wild camping.
LOL at sharki!
I hope I have a camera for Youve been framed the day I perchance upon a semi naked bib short wearer balancing his fully spread crack on a mossy branch, trying to dump onto the strategically placed bit of bark on the ground.
"What's the rock for?"
"Wiping my bum."
"Oh, I see. Hope it's not too sharp."
"It's a nice round cobble, should be fine."
"Won't that smear a bit?"
"Hmm, good point. Pass up that bit of sandstone behind you like a good chap."
"Don't forget to freeze it when you're done."
"I've got plenty CO2 right here." [i]taps camelbak[/i]
This thread's crap!
simonfbarnes - Member> we all know the familiar abdominal pangs
no, we don't! In 12 years of regular riding I have never felt this.
Never happened to me either
If doing it on a slope consider the way that Mr Log and No1 are going to roll or run. Dashboard cleaning wipes are the biz. Ferns can supposedly be carcinogenic but I can't see myself using them often enough for that to be a problem. You should go on hard routine and take it out in a bag. The advantage of this is that you can cut the corner off later on and use it as a piping bag to write your name on the nearest BMW or Audi.
Pack out the paper. Baby wet wipes are great for this. Burying other evidence shouldn't be necessary as the local bugs like to feast. Make sure you're not close to running water recommendation is 200m from any but this may not be uppermost in the thought process with one in the chamber.
Alcohol gel for hand cleaner can be used to prevent the trots.
I find if you brace yourself against a tree (imagine making a sitting position but with your back against a tree) you can get a good strain on, with out the poo/lycra roulette that squatting results in. Something must be wrong with my a4se as I'm always having to go outside - not tried the CO2 trick tho...
Bedmaker - You made me cry with laughing.
Whilst riding toward Matterdale Common the lakes last year, saw a mtb'er clambering over a stone wall out of woods with a roll of andrex in this hand, his mates reckoned it was a requirement of every ride that he went cable laying. Each to their own
his mates reckoned it was a requirement of every ride that he went cable laying.
[b]YEK :-([/b]
Have had the very same quandry at work! Remote radio tower in Dumfries and Galloway, thought I would manage to nip it until I got back home. The previous nights Rogan Josh had other ideas though. Tried a couple of number ones to ease the pressure but to no avail. Had one attempt propped/squatting agaist the least windy side of the radio building(don't know if it was the shock of the cold) but no action. Back to work, 30 secs later back outside trousers down and letting all the badness out. Only thing for wiping duties were hand wipes and christ did they sting!
Always carry a supermarket bag folded small and put a good supply of toilet roll in it, if the need arises for emergency evacuation,remove the toilet roll,lower shorts, and preferably lean backwards against a solid non moveing object, when youvre comfortable, get plastic shopping bag, and with a handleof the bag each side of the buttock, position over enmergency evacuation nozzle, evacuate, then realease bag,then wipe bum, drop in bag soiled toilet roll, lift up by handles and tie in a knot, then throw in to ajacent tree, preferably after re fitting shorts.
Pictures to follow.
How dogs manage to shit in a bag, tie it in a knot, and throw it into the nearest tree without arms or hands is quite clever, never actually caught one yet doing it.
LOL Project. No pics 😀
This thread is useless without pics.......etc.
What the hell is wrong with you people!?
Not only have I never ever needed to crap on a ride, I've never been on a ride with anyone who's needed to.
Well! i for one do all day rides, so that's 9 till 9 in the summer, somewhere during that my body does it's thing and requests a relief, i'll not let bodily functions ruin a ride..same as if i get the horn...use moss instead of a sock.....it's all very normal....
Isn't it? 😕
I did a near 12 hour ride a couple of years ago, I figure if you're taking in the right amount of food, your body shouldn't be getting rid of it!
yeah Tits or GTFO!
Never thought of the KFC wipes genius! Have never been caught short for number 2, but have quite often got slightly too close to civilisation for a number 1 and have had to turn around as the ride from end of woods to home is another 20min not good!
you get get poo bags, for human shit as its pretty toxic and doesn't degrade very quickly. loads of them for sale in Canada as its a walk it in, walk it out philosophy and flipping over a rock to find some human shit isn't very nice, I've seen them over here for sale as well.
but I have to say in 30 years of walking/running/riding I've never been unable to hold one in (been close when out running mind you), so anyone who has to go every ride really should go and see him/her doctor as being unable to hang on for any length of time isn't good.
On a similar note, my girlfriends friends boyfriend, who is in the forces has trained himself to only go for a no 1 or no 2, once every 3 days, as when he is on operations he doesn't want to leave anything to be tracked by. Now that isn't right.
Quick cafitierre of high octane coffee before you leave the house - job done 😉
You should go on hard routine and take it out in a bag. The advantage of this is that you can cut the corner off later on and use it as a piping bag to write your name on the nearest BMW or Audi.
PMSL!
Anyone who's never needed to poo outside isn't outside often enough. It's one of life's great pleasures. Sphagnum moss clumps are nature's Charmin/Andrex. Foxglove leaves are a close second as they are nice and soft on one side.
I've never had the need when riding. Walk into a library though and it's a whole different matter.
richc I think you'll find that those of us who are vegetarian/ vegan don't leave such toxic waste and don't have the choice about holding it in either.
Nonsense.
I can keep it in for a whole weekend if I'm going bothying.
All this talk makes me want to nip outside and crimp a loaf off right now.
i was starting to go off stw with all the current negativity floating around (and i dont know who anyone is since all the name changes!) this thread has reminded me of why i stick around.
Ooh thats one for rate my poo. Not sure the groundskeepers would agree.
So, do I need different "nature's bog roll", depending on where my particular poo sits on the [url= http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_stool_scale#Bristol_Stool_Chart ]Bristol Stool Scale[/url]???
Am I missing something here, I thought the correct etiquette was to poo in a bag and hang it from a tree?
Whenever I'm caught "felling a log" across my local trails I just shout out loud "stop staring you weirdo"
allthegear, so long as a good spread is used, cleaning products shouldn't alter.....of course if the bleeding eye stool is being passed, a moist piece of moss may be more soothing to wipe with and certainly never contemplate using dry lichen...
If your diet gives the possibility of a looseness, shaving regularly will help in wild wiping.....but always be sure of a plentiful supply regardless of how you feel it may pop out.
The worse ones are the hangers on.....no amount of ass shaking will dislodged the mess, so careful use of a stick will be needed..
For disposal, the bark lavy trap method works well for most types, with the poke and freeze technique used for the strays.....
'never had a shit outside' half of you boys have never lived.
Try having chronic IBS and see how far you get without dropping them...
If you are going to burn the paper afterwards - take care you're not in a fire risk area - you're going to wish you'd had a ziploc with you instead....
Oh - I was in a bothy last year and some army guys were there - this subject came up and their tip was not to carry toilet paper, but to carry one of those tiny tins of vaseline - apply liberally pre-keech and voila! no wiping required afterwards....never tried it myself yet...
I've suffered the 'bingo dabber' whilst riding. Had to crimp it off in the woods. Got home and chucked my riding gear in the wash basket then jumped into the shower. Thought no more about it.
The missus duly followed shortly after to empty said washing basket en route to the washing machine. She nearly kicked the bathroom door in, and I was told under no circumstances to leave my cycling shorts inside out with the chammy in full view; which was the area she grabbed when emptying the wash basket. She was not happy.
Moss is very overated IMHO. Didn't clean up as well as I thought.
swello, i think they fancied you and were prepping you for the 'oh no you don't, not quite yet' treatment mid croutch...
Moss is very overated IMHO. Didn't clean up as well as I thought.
Wrong kind of moss, definitely.
Yeah you tell him jojo..
BTW does that moss work in shewee's???;-)
I must admit to being very, err, regular shall we say: I'm a morning person. I rarely feel the need when riding.
That said sometimes a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do....And I have done in the past.
However, Mrs PP could (And probably will if she sees this thread) recount a story of absolute horror that we both witnessed in the centre of Reading one sunny afternoon last year as we sat ouside a coffee bar. It left me scarred and I don't like talking about it.
Put it this way, out in the wild with nobody around is one thing, this was entirely another. The exact opposite. Ahem.
😯
not in your coffee cup?
ewwwwww, thought it was all made up....
PP More details, MOOORRREEEE!
My mate's father-in-law had a story about one of the engineers who works for him...
He'd been driving back from a job and realised there was no way he was going to make it back to the yard intact, in fact, even the next mile up the road was looking dicey.
Unable to contain himself any longer, he pulled up at the side of the road, leapt over a wall, pulled down his overalls and dropped the kids off.
Sadly, his location was less than ideal and he was disturbed by nearby voices. As the worst was out the way, a quick wipe of the backeye was made and he whipped his overalls up... and covered his neck and shoulders in his own scat.
He'd shat inside his overalls.
Apparently he turned up at the yard, got out the works van, straight into his car and went home. Presumably for a wash.
I've heard a great story from an army source. Apparently there was an individual who made it his duty to burgle the turds - he'd sneak after squaddies heading out for a dump while on exercise, unseen, lower a shovel into position, catch the evidence. And then rate it in detail on a daily scorecard for the benefit of all.
So one squaddie, aware of this is extra cautious to make it as far away from camp as subtly as possible. Drops his full all in one NBC (Nuclear/Biological/Chemical) suit afer making sure all's clear. Lightens his load accordingly, pulls up his noddy suit and turns round to check the details - and nothing there?
Saddened to have fallen foul of the burglar like many before him, he makes his way back to camp. But there's this lingering smell that seems to be following? Maybe he trod in it - he'll check properly in daylight but for now being on blackout he daren't get the torch out.
And then - a simulated gas attack. Quick as a flash he pulls up the hood of his noddy suit and dons the gas mask. And promptly realises that's where Mr Hanky had been hiding all this time. In his hood.
I've been known to go and drop one off mid-ride. We also have had to carry our whole teams poos out during a few expedition races. Thanks to some sage advice from a French guy with a wild look in his eye we took an empty Replace container with us (round light plastic thing with a screw on lid). The year before they only had a bag of littler bags and fell over with them all in his pack - pop! - merde sur la bag. Anyway he said it was quite awful and we thankfully didn't have to carry too much around in the heat !
stop shitting on the trails you dirty pig dog, worse than a bloody toddler 😀
Dump afore you go laddie 
Agree with JojoA1 - sphagnum moss, from a boggy bit of ground is the business. Ferns?! Ferns are full of strichnine (which is how they manage to cover vast tracts of land - by poisoning the ground so nowt else can grow) so I damn sure won't be wiping with ferns any time soon.
As for the base layer stuff... surely you wear ur base under your bibs? Thats what makes it work! Its supposed to be on your skin to regulate temp etc.... wearing it OVER your bib means 50% has got your bib between skin and layer. Also stops bibs rubbing on shoulders.
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PP More details, MOOORRREEEE!
OK. You aSked for it. But I recount this story under duress.
It was a busy, sunny Saturday lunchtime, and, just opposite the main entrace to the Oracle shopping centre, in Reading is a narrower street which has a few sandwich/coffee bars in it. Very nice.
We were sitting outside one of these with coffee and cake, as you do. Then Mrs PP points out a woman sitting maybe 10-15 yards away just up the street on the opposite side.
Picture the scene - The street widens slightly and the top floor of an office overhangs the shops below. This is supported by several cylindrical columns, about 2-3ft diameter. At the base of each column is a handy curved concrete block which arcs nicely round the front of said column, leaving a gap twixt block and column of a few inches, just the right height to sit on....
This woman sat there as people passed on the busy street with her trousers etc pulled down to mid thigh, her bags at her feet. People were walking within a few feet of her. Lots of them. It was pretty obvious to anyone that noticed that she was curling one off between block and column. But you couldn't see it....... It was all in the mind.
We were utterly horrified.
"Maybe she's homeless?" offers Mrs PP. "Look at all those bags."
"That's her shopping" I reply. They were bags from a well known supermarket, and not one of the cheap ones either.
She was well dressed, in her early 40s.
Mrs PP wanted to investigate further, I put my foot down and said we'd be best leaving her be.
The woman pulled up her keks and left, like it was a normal thing she did all the time.
We've never been back to that coffee bar, surprisingly.
This, I swear, is the 100% truth. As witnessed by me and scores of others.