[Closed] I need an hilarious joke for tomorrow......

I went to the zoo today....and all they had was ONE dog.
.
.
It was a shihtzu.

(Well,I'm a mechanic and it makes me laff.)

Did you hear about the prawn that went to a disco?

It pulled a mussel

If its for a bike mechanic then try these....
'I've never jetwashed it'
'It broke when I was just riding along'
'My last one lasted 10 years'
'Of course it's warranty'
'It is new...I've only had it 2 years'
'It should only take you 10 minutes'
'Well it was'nt like that when I brought it in'
Although he may have heard all them before 🙄

Where did Noah keep the bees?
In archives.

why not try a really old one:

[b]An[/b] hilarious?

You mean [b]a[/b] hilarious.

druidh - Member
An hilarious?

You mean a hilarious.

Oh Druid, you are ilarious! 😀

Need more!!

Can be written as an...related to the pronunciation/sound of the word following 'an', iirc. Words beginning with 'h'...

You use 'an' if the proceeding word starts with a vowel sound (but not necessarily a vowel), and 'a' if it doesn't.

So it would be 'an hour' but 'a helicopter'.

On that basis, Druidh is correct (if pedantic).

Druidh is 'a' hilarious ......

Stems from the french where UIVMM the letter H is actually a vowel. It has obviously filtered into English over the years.
Also, Welsh makes a lot more sense once you know W is a vowel.

Druidh is 'a' hilarious .....

😆

Getting back on topic, I came up with this LOLtastic gag the other day:

What do you call a medical examiner who really likes Muller yoghurt? A fruit coroner.

🙄

Actually, have you seen [url= http://anti-joke.com/ ]Anti Joke[/url]? It takes classic joke setups but drops the punchline for a literal answer. Here are a few examples:

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.

Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.

What's sad about four black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff? They were my friends.

Your mother's so fat, she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

Also has some pretty good 'Roses are red...' gags:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a gun.
Get in the van.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have Alzheimer's.
Cheese on toast.

why did popeye give moses as kicking?

'cos he went to mount olive

what do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A baboom

knock knock
who's there
control freak, now you say control freak who...

Ashfanman's winning!

Particle Physics gives me a Hadron

My snail wasn't doing very well in the race I entered him for, so I decided to remove his shell to see if it helped him speed up
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
TNH - Just made him more sluggish

IGMC 😯

A policeman knocks at a door, and holding up a photo, asks "Is this your wife? It looks like she's been in a car accident"

I know, replies the husband, but she's got a great personality.

What do you call a fish with no eye

a fsh

(better if you say it)

Did you hear the one about anal sex? ...
.....I'm not telling you, it's fugging shit

I bought a dog off a blacksmith the other day.
When I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down a hill and turned into a field.

What's E.T. short for? He's only got little legs.

Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo.

I said to the butchers "I bet you can't reach that meat on the top shelf" He said "I won't take that bet, the steaks are too high"

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the lane and turned in to a field.

ph0010421

I invested in an origami company recently....

...worst mistake of my life...

...it folded 😛

Velcro

What a rip- off!

Tazzy and his monkey joke is the only one that made me laugh out loud.

What do you call an irish double glazing salesman?

Paddy O'Doors.

What do you call a Mexican carpet layer?

Underlay Underlay!

What do you call a ****stani sprinter?

Imran.

Dunno who posted this originally;
Man goes home to his wife and says "I fancy a bit of role play tonight, how about we play rape" wife says "NO!", husband says " that's the spirit"

Two cows in a field
One went Moo
The other one went
You bastard, I was just about to say that

Two ducks on a pond
One went quack

Two pigs in a......

Q:how many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

A:None

Watch out- shut down thread alert!!! 😯

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord." A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

you have to stretch it out and pretend you aren't just a little bit racist.

Or there's the other classic Stevie gag:

Appearing on a live television chat show for the first time, the host asks Stevie he manages to cope with his blindness.

"Well, I'm not going to say it hasn't been tough, but, you know, it could be worse," he says with trademark humility and charm. "I could be black."

How can you tell an Irishman on an Oil rig?
He`s the one throwing bread at the helicopters...

Whats the loudest noise in the world?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

What kind of cheese can you use to hide a horse?

Mascarpone

Thanks, I'm outa here.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in a microwave until it 's Bill Withers

I got pulled over for speeding on the way here.

I was only doing about 85 and when the traffic cop asked me whether I thought it was safe I replied that it was a clear road with good visibility so was probably not the crime of the century.

He then asked me what I'd have done if mister fog had come down.

Patronising G1t I thought so I replied

"I'd probably have used mister brake"

His response - "Very funny sir what I actually said was what if mist or fog had come down".

IGMC

I also know another traffic policeman one but it's much ruder and is to do with stretching.

For the avoidance of doubt I have nothing against traffic policemen (or women) they do a very good and valuable job (actually a few more round here wouldn't go amiss) but they do make a good source of joke material.

What's brown and sounds like a bell

Dung

(from a Monty Python sketch I believe)

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Getting raped by a giant scorpion

Bloke driving down the motorway and gets stopped under a bridge by a copper with a speed camera. Bloke gets out and copper starts to patronise him, telling him off like a schoolkid. Asks him what he does for a living. Bloke says I'm an arsehole stretcher. Copper asks what that is. Well, he says, I start off with some lube, working a couple of fingers round and round until I can get a hand in. I then get two hands in and work it back and forth, round and round until it gets bigger and looser. Everntually when all the muscles are relaxed the arsehole ends up about 6 foot in diameter. And just what do you do with a 6 foot arsehole asks the copper. Stick him under a birdge with a speed camera replies the bloke 😀

My absolute favourite:

Went to the doctors today:
Doc: you're going to have to stop masturbating.
Me: Whys that ?
Doc: Because I'm trying to examine you

Four candles

[img] [/img]

Handles for forks....

Absolute Leg Ends

Knock knock
Who's there?
The interrupting cow
The inter..
MOOOOOOOOOO!

Works better in person.

What's the definition of endless love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

What do you call a woman with a chimney on her head?
Ruth.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug.

What do you call a man with a ship on his head?
Captain boat hat.

What did Hitler say to his men before they got in the tanks?
Men. Get in the tanks.

Two cows in a field. One says "here mate, are you worried about that mad cow disease thing?" The other replies "nah mate, doesn't bother me". "Why not?" asks the first cow. "Cos I'm a chicken" comes the reply.

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "how the hell do you drive this thing?"

This random woman keeps having a go at me for my 'obsession' with biblical figures. What a weirdo. I don't even Noah.

Whats the smelliest thing in the world?
A kippers minge.....

Stevie Wonder, gets given a cheese grater for xmas.

It was the most violent book he's read

I just found out my new neighbours are a man from the middle east and a woman from Essex. So either one of them could blow at any minute

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two - but how do they get in there?

How do you tell when Will Smith's been walking in the snow?
Fresh Prints...

Knock Knock
Neutrino
Who's there?

I farted in a lift today, which was wrong on so many levels....

I got kicked out of the local pool today for wearing my speedo shorts.
How was I to know the S had come off!

I hear Jeremy Beadle has a tiny penis. But on the other hand it's huge.

My nan just invited me round for a roast, lets hope grandad can get it up this time.

You: have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife?

Mechanic: No

You: Neither has he

what's red and sits in the corner

a shy fire engine

What goes "plink plink, fizz"?

two babies in an acid bath

FFS chopchop that was on page 1, get yer own jokes 🙄

I laughed out loud a few times reading this thread until LeeW's post. delete it Lee asap.

How can you tell an Irish insurance man?
He`s the one in the pin stripe donkey jacket

Angry Tazzy 😆

AT- <red face> My joke, MY joke, hes used my f'in joke...unbelieveable <red face>
Mrs AT- STFU Taz

Heard the one about the dyslexic man who went to a toga party dressed as a goat?

Q - What's brown and sticky?
A - A stick ...

Two parrots sat on a perch, and one turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"

Q - What's brown and sticky?
A - A stick
R - Nope, my Beyonce poster

chopchop 😀

hope you got a warning from the mods as well, hate to think it was just me

Why does Rupert The Bear wear checked trousers?

Because he's a cu.....................................

I phoned my local theatre to get tickets to see an Elvis impersonator, but all I got was an automated answer phone saying
Press 1 for the money 2 for the show .......

Chuck norris won the world poker series with a Joker, 2 of clubs, 7 of hearts, a number 4 green UNO card, and a get of jail free card from monopoly

why do elephants have four feet ?

because the look stupid with 6 inches

Seasonal one...

Two snowmen in a garden, one turns to the other and said...
"Can you smell carrots?"

what do you call a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny???

A block of flaps

Venisson meat is Dear/deer

whats green and smells of pork?

Kermits finger

whats worse than being raped by jack the ripper?

fingered by captain hook

how can you tell a hard lesbian?

she rolls her own tampons

whats invisible and smells of carrots?

a rabbits fart

What's brown and sits in the toilet singing about angels?
Jobbie Williams