[Closed] Fed up with (my own?) life's BS...

For a start...Just get out and ride

Is poor self-esteem at the root of this?

For a start...Just get out and ride

Amen.

first, you are depressed, IANAD but just re read that ^.
how you deal with that is up to you, but you are depressed

second, those folk you see enjoy the moment, work to live, yadda yadda yadda, you have no idea what their life is really like, you at best might see a few percent, dont assume that projected public persona is the whole truth - it only makes you feel somehow worth less and....... spotting the trend here.

third, wot jontykint sed.

I can't offer any better advice than jontykint above, whenever I feel stuff closing in on me I'll grab a bike and pedal for a while. I've found BMX is great at focussing the mind away from life's pressures at the moment, short blasts of flat out pedalling, but any type of bike works for me.

Others on this forum I'm sure will offer more productive support. It sounds like you've been through this before, so hang in there I'm sure you'll come through the other side.

Keep posting, venting here is a good start!

Steve

Actually, riding a bike is not always the answer. The priority is to deal with this issue.

In a Nutshell... Sounds like you think too much and read too much into things that arent there. Also sounds like you worry too much about shit beyond your control. Life is short.. dont waste time worrying about work. Dont really have answers for you except dont waste time and energy on stuff that doesnt really matter (work) but cherish the time with loved ones and try and enjoy it.

When I feel sad, I look at samoyeds:

[img] [/img]

...and drink.

I have a well paid job, great family and a couple of bikes.

airsick9 3 - 0 Jamie

Actually, riding a bike is not always the answer.

Correct. Alcohol is another option.

Sounds familiar. Some thoughts for you that made me think...

Work doesn't define you

What is the rush you have (depending on age) 30+ years of work to go

If you found out you had cancer tomorrow would you be more upset about not getting in the board room or the fact you won't see your kids grow up?

This year I am currently enjoying a slight lull in focusing on career after bashing my head against the glass ceiling for the last couple of years. Still doing a good job but also I'm getting loads of riding in, and seriously considering having a competitive go at next seasons local xc series.

My chimp (Charlie) says hi 🙂

You've achieved a wonderful family that you care for deeply - that's a huge achievement. It's normal to worry about things, every parent worries about things happening to their kids, it's hard with today's saturation media coverage but you have to remember that bad things are very, very unlikely to happen.

I thought it was bad that I couldn't easily make lots of friends too, then I worked out that I'm just an introvert. It's not a bad thing unless you make it one.

With work, you need to make yourself happy, not your employer. I don't know what job you're in, but in many jobs an employee who is happy just cracking on with what they do and isn't interested in climbing the greasy pole would be an asset.

Have you told your wife any of the above, speak to people who love you and see your GP.
I think you need professional help along with support and reassurance from your loved ones.

Hope you get yourself sorted out, your not alone.

When you are back from riding revisit CBT.

What doesn't help is I am relatively intelligent and a logical thinker. When receiving advice this translates into a positive verbal response. Eg - yes I understand my family is my primary focus and work is less important. Yes, I could - and do - go for a ride to clear my head.

But the feelings of negativity and paranoia still return, which in itself is illogical. It's like hammering away at a drum with no skin and expecting a percussion based symphony. Sometimes I want to bang my own head in frustration with myself.

honestly I've no idea what I want to do in five years but It seems that is impossible to be able to say "I'm happy just doing what I do now, thanks".

Ask yourself if you are in the correct job(career)

Actually, riding a bike is not always the answer.

No, but I've found answers while on my bike, OP may do the same

I took a quick read of your thread, went off to answer an email and came back - and was amazed at how many replies have come in!

Which tells you a heck of a lot of people are feeling like you are at the moment.

I did my first CBT sessions about 7 years ago. I realised then that they wouldn't be my last - and I still go back to the same therapist when I think I need to. Accepting that the underlying issues are probably always going to need careful watching is actually quite a release...

I'd love to be one of those people able to switch off and enjoy the moment, work to live and so on. I just can't relax or understand how to be positive.

If I were your therapist I'd ask you why you have this expectation of yourself. It's pretty unreasonable and somewhat perfectionist. No-one's like that really, just some people give the impression they are.

When you start looking into meditation and yoga - ancient arts developed over thousands of years, you realise the human condition is deeply flawed and all humans are just like you to some degree or other, struggling with their own internal selves and thought processes.

When my head gets where yours seems to be at, I get onto my GP, get back to the therapist, get out and ride my bike more, write a list of things that make me happy and do 3 of them every day, get back into taking yoga classes and read one of my books on meditation/self help.

Sounds to me like you're just a normal human being tbh!

Your situation has nothing to do with the way your are feeling.

By your own admission your situation is better than many others, I don't know you but if you are suffering with depression it would not matter if you had 10 million pounds in the bank and a successfull business.

Tell your wife how you feel and get help, if you have had to deal with this before and come throught it before, you will again.

After you have finished work tomorrow and the wife and kids are in the room with you, sit back ,look what is in front of you and smile. You have the only thing that really maters in life. a loving family.

I have no words of wisdom but you are certainly not a lone.

I've been setting targets for years, there mostly nonsense as is all the worky stuff your worrying about. Get out and have fun, life's a hoot then you die, simple really!

My mind races at light speeds some times.
I need to concentrate 100% on things to stop it. Fast single track tends to focus the mind or you fall off and bust something worth a try. Oh and helping people lots worse off than you . Might work you never know

Sounds familiar to me unfortunately

I put a lot of mine down to constantly being skint and not feeling like I am achieving anything or there is any way forward

You sound like you've achieved a great deal so far, decent job and a family are no mean feat and you should be proud of that

Ride more and talk to someone about how you are feeling

You obviously think a lot about everything so talking to someone who can help would be a good start

I'm happy doing what I do now. You said it. Bullocks to worrying about the 5 year plan. I am the same as you as that I find it hard to think of my life that far ahead and it drives my wife mad. Stop thinking so hard on a future you can't predict and scares you to contemplate. Keep being happy in the now and understand with a little help life works itself out.

Thanks for the advice.

I've woken up this morning in a well, bullish mood but in the wrong way. Right now I'd be happy to tell anyone to go **** themselves and this is where I'm at my worse - I don't have a middle ground and can never find the right path. I understand what trekster said about the work situation but can't articulate that - going around and around trying to justify like that I can't do politely when really I just want to tell them to leave me alone. Can't I just turn up, get on with stuff and go home?

Didn't sleep well last night, and I'm having to work from home today which is the worse scenario as I can't be bothered to actually do anything constructive. Turn on computer log in and stare at screen wondering what the next 10 years will be like.

It strikes me that what you are lacking is inspiration.
You need something new to look forward to.
I've got a similar character type (I think many on this forum do).
I've tried the medication, counselling, CBT they are ok, but the only thing that gets me out of a slump is a PROSPECT to look forward to.
For me, that usually entails starting a new company (I'm on my fourth) - never made me a rich man (so far) but the start-up stage makes me look at life very differently. Other people do this through hobbies - like restoring an old motorbike.

Having seen a number of examples in friends and family over the last while, if this isn't depression, it looks like a fair step towards it. Please go and get professional help for this. There's nothing wrong in doing so- loads of people do.

A lot of what's suggested here- a project, riding the bike- help, but don't deal with the underlying problem. You won't be much fun either at work or at home if it really takes hold.

Life coaching has a good technique: expressing gratitude for what you think is good in your life.

Not in a "things are good, get on with it" way, but helping make you look at your life positively by seeing what is good in it rather than focus on what is missing.

all i have ever wanted to do is go to work do my stuff and go home. at home i ride my bikes watch tv sit around and eat or what ever its my time.
2.5 yrs ago got cancer then 8 months ago it went terminal. still go to work ride bikes sit around and eat stuff nothings changed. life is what it is.
last friday while getting ready for the yearly trip to morzine was rushed to hospital where i am today while my mates are in france. while the weather is great and sunny in milton keynes its tipping it down in france with very little riding.
life is a roller coaster you just have to keep looking ahead see the lows when they are coming and try and ease the pain , if you cannot do it yourself seek help, stay as far away from alcohol and enjoy what you have life is short .
as for me im waitng to be set free from my bed so i can get out and ride in this sunshine and book another holiday
GOOD LUCK

Your post has hit a chord with me as it's exactly how I feel. I'm beginning to realise that I have to actively recognise the signals and turn them off to forget them and slowdown my thinking. I'll think through situations that have t even happened yet which drives me insane.

I've read the OP and skimmed some of the responses. To me it reads like you are suffering from an anxiety based depression.Again IANAD but suffer/did suffer from anxiety based depression. CBT focussing on mindfulness was a real game changer for me. It sounds like you are similar to me, ie a thinker.....I used to think (lol) that having a head full of thoughts was a good thing, one of my strengths if you like. After 12 months of CBT I now realise that it isincredibly tiring and only occasionally a good thing.....it leads you to question basically everything in your life-like you say, you have a good job, family etc....recently it lead to me questioning my marriage....it wasn't 100% down to 'mental health issues' but they were a huge contributing factor.

My personal advice would be to get to the doctors and sort some more CBT out. Like you say, you suffered before.....history suggests a huge amount of people with mental health problems will suffer again in their life. 🙁

More than that, I've got paranoid about what people are thinking, so for example I'm constantly of the opinion that when I'm not at work where I hold a senior position under what I consider to be a glass ceiling, perhaps self imposed,

Radio 4 had some hour long programmes on Albert Ellis recently, and rated REBT very highly.

4:58 minutes on 'Ego Aniexty and the dire need for approval' worth a watch/listen... particularly based on the OP.

Go find a book on mindfulness.

Kinda resonates with me a bit. I'm a born worrier, and as most know because of that very indecisive. The vid above about ego anxiety struck an immediate cord. I find the sports analogy appropriate; Amongst my cycling peers I don't believe I perform very well, so I worry about people thinking I'm pretty useless on a bike.

I rolled I to the ridelondon100 in an ambivalent fashion and ride it in 4.25. Close to the bottom of my clubs finishing list and I felt pretty bad that I'd allowed my mentality to make me so lacsidasical, especially as I rode for charity. However, without even trying I finished waaaaaaaay in front of many.

I'm sure your the same - what you have without trying is what many would covet - a decent job / wage and a loving family to boot. Personally I work best under pressure - maybe do something new or outside your comfort zone as suggested, get excited, then come home and appreciate what you have around you that is just there.

Me, I've entered a club TT alongside some incredible riders. I'm pretty sure I'll be very low down on the time sheet, but it gives me a reason to exercise and focus on something. At least I will have tried. One of our club members uses the motto "better to have raced and lost than to have never raced at all"

One more thing, one of my friend contacted me last night to say his wife and he had separated. They have 2 young kids. I asked way - she was having an affair. When my wife and I talked about this our mutual conclusion is that when we look around ourselves at our kids, house and material object, would we really be prepared to just throw all that away?

Bit of a jumble as I'm not do clever I'm this dept myself but take from that what you will. Oh and have a read of "The power of accepting yourself" (short and easy) and the Power of Now (longer and a bit deeper).

You're not still riding 26in wheels.....are you!?

Hang in there fella your not alone !!!

I was in a similar boat a few weeks ago (thanks to STW forum for helping!) and wanted to quit my job because I was bored and not challenged and it was getting me down. I wrongly thought it was work etc.. that was getting me down and I needed to change to a job that did motivate me. Turns out, STW forum was correct, I was making myself bored and unchallenged, and would do the same at any job.

I'm working very hard at caring less about work. Show up, put in 8 hours of "acceptable" work, then go home to my wife and bikes and forget about work. Give it a go.

Robin Williams killed himself yesterday suffering depression. I'm sure he would be classed by many as succesful, relatively rich, yet he was apparently depressed enough to kill himself.

Sad but it shows you that even with more success and wealth it isnt usually the answer. He was also a bike rider.

Bike riding is indeed good for mental health, many of us probably use it to calm minds, answer questions, vent frustration or whatever. I certainly use it to give myself a quiet blank page in my head. A solo hour commute usually works very well.

Firstly accept that we are all by and large doing this, its just that negativity has dominance in your head today. Acceptance of this is a good first step. Then Ride. Tell you nearest and dearest, this will help. Then look to GP/CBT for professional help to learn how to cope with this for the rest of your life. negativity is in all of us. the ability to manage it is in almost all of us, you've just lost a bit the management skill.

What's exaggerated this is that I've been asked to create a "career plan" at work - honestly I've no idea what I want to do in five years but It seems that is impossible to be able to say "I'm happy just doing what I do now, thanks".although the implication of not being able to have a plan, is that such an employee wouldn't be wanted.

My boss asked me to do one of these, so I did. And I told him I had no plan!

It doesn't need to be a full on road map style plan with milestones and goals, the only really nececary information was a lost of the tasks I currenlty enjoy and the ones (and relavent training) I wanted to do. All they want to know is that they're pushing you in the right direction rather than the wrong one. It's not going to get you or your colleague a promotion just because your plans says it, they'll still make that decision on merit, the plan's just so they know in advance that you want it i.e. they dont promote you into sales when you really wanted promoting into a technical role.

If you look deeper, you'll surely find that your life is more fed up with your own thinking.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is.” - Eckhart Tolle

And yes, ride!

THe thing about depression is that, like all mental health issues, people see it as different to other health.

If you broke your toe, you'd go to the hospital. Same with the mind - if you're feeling depressed, or struggling in some other way, go see someone, and get it fixed.

Bike riding is like meditation for me, I think about nothing for a few hours (except stuff like"don't crash into that tree"), it clears my mind and makes me relax - but ultimately, that's treating symptoms, not the cause. Seeing someone can help work out the deeper issues, and give you the tools to cope.

airsick9 - Member
Infrequent poster here but for reasons about to become obvious, I'd like to remain anonymous (apologies mods).

So, I'm living in a cloud of doubt which is making me feel like my life is and will be quite miserable. I find it very hard to be particularly happy with anything - life, work my own achievements. More than that, I've got paranoid about what people are thinking, so for example I'm constantly of the opinion that when I'm not at work where I hold a senior position under what I consider to be a glass ceiling, perhaps self imposed, I'm missing opportunities and people are advancing above me or I'm losing the opportunity to advance / be noticed. Therefore I can't enjoy any downtime.

Thing is, I have a well paid job, great family and a couple of bikes. But I don't see that I've achieved much, or can't take refuge in that enough to enjoy myself as I'm worried to death about other stuff - no matter who tells me I've a decent life I can't accept it so I'm dragging myself down I think. I worry about going on holiday with the current plane issues, I worry about not doing the right thing for my kids, I worry when my wife and kids are out in the car in case anything bad happens, can't make friends as I believe I have a negative personality which people wouldn't want to associate with. What's exaggerated this is that I've been asked to create a "career plan" at work - honestly I've no idea what I want to do in five years but It seems that is impossible to be able to say "I'm happy just doing what I do now, thanks".although the implication of not being able to have a plan, is that such an employee wouldn't be wanted.

I realise now this is going to lead to a miserable existence, I've watched a few threads, read stuff about inner chimps, meditation, I've had CBT in the past also. I went through a bout of medicated depression in 2001 and have been "normal" ever since. Well except for what I'm expressing now.

So, what to do? I'd love to be one of those people able to switch off and enjoy the moment, work to live and so on. I just can't relax or understand how to be positive.

Sorry for the ramble.

Yeah, feel like this a lot.

I'm of the opinion its not actually a problem with me but more with modern life where you have been conditioned to constantly want what you dont have, always feel you have to compare yourself to others who have 'achieved' more than you, always feel pressured into being the life and soul of the party etc etc or heaven forbid get labelled as boring.

I decided a few years ago to see work as merely something that paid me a salary that allowed me to do the things i really enjoy.
Thats not to say i dont enjoy work, i put in enough effort to get the odd pay rise every few years but i'm not career orientated....i laugh at the idea of a 5 year plan.

I decided i didnt really like cars and that keeping up with the Jones's and spending good money on nice cars i had no interest in was pointless....now i drive a crappy, dented on all panels Hyundai which doubles up as bike and dog carrier....oh yeah, get a dog, they're the best....and then adopt their attitude to life; if you cant play with it, eat it or hump it, walk away and find something else to do.

Ride more, go to a gym, join a squash league etc etc....exercise is good, feeling like some kind of social outcast because you didnt follow 'Breaking Bad' is wrong and people whose lives revolve around TV are actually the ones to be pitied.

Stop following fashion...pointless, get a collection of clothes you like and enjoy wearing and leave it at that.

Foster a better relationship with your family, they are more important than any work colleagues and most friends.

Stop reading newspapers and watching the news....seriously, its mostly crap anyway....by all means take a passing interest but avidly following current affairs will give you a tainted view of the world where everything seems so much worse than it is.

Remember, we're not here for a long time, we're here for a good time....its actually quite easy to opt out of all the bulls*it, just takes some initial effort and a slightly thick skin because you will get comments from colleagues and friends because you havent holidayed in the latest fashionable area or you've been driving the same car for 5 years now (dont you hate those pricks that start a conversation with; so what are you driving right now?)....

Be generous to those around you, it will make you feel good, you honestly cant take it with you....i work as a Paramedic and have seen more than enough people on their deathbed in lovely houses and with money in the bank and they have all without exception had regrets of some kind and its never to do with career decisions or financial matters, they'd swap it all for extra time with a parent they never made up with or for another week with the grandchildren.

There's loads more that i'm sure others will touch on but basically take some time to find out what makes you happy and then reject everything else you dont enjoy because ultimately why on earth would you go through life doing stuff you hate?....once you work that out things will be far easier.

You sound like you are at a similar point in your life/career to me. The stuff about well-paid but still below glass ceiling and feeling a kind of peer pressure resonates a bit with me.

You just have to look at what you do have IMO. I found out at the weekend that an old friend of mine is moving 'back' from London soon. He's just been made a director of a subsidiary part of a well known bank and is probably on at least £150k (probably much more, but I've got no real idea). He's bought a big new show home in a village nearby - probably for cash. We both have two kids, but his missus doesn't have to work. So for a few minutes I had the old "I was better at school academically, so I must be letting myself down" thing going on.

But then the 'other side' to the argument presented itself. Not in a nasty way, but in a comparative way.

1) He's going to have to commute to London each day to keep his salary (about 4 hours commuting a day if I am right - assuming he can do 9 to 5). I mostly manage 9 to 5 by working really hard and I live ten minutes away.

2) I ride mountain bikes for a hobby - he probably won't have the time/energy to do the same.

3) I actually prefer the village that I live in.

So, all in all, I would say I have the better quality of life. This may not be true when he retires at 45 and I'm left working, but hey, that's a long way down the track.

Focus on what you do have, and make the most of it. Your contemporaries may be taking stacks of work home with them and doing it until they go to bed. You may have more spare time than that - so try not to waste it by feeling bad!

Anxiety, the bane of modern man.

[url= http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying ]Top Five Regrets of The Dying[/url]

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

A really interesting thread with some heartfelt replies. Despite being in a very unconventional career and in fact doing what I wanted to be doing when I was 12 years old, I find myself worrying that I've taken the wrong road. With responsibilities stacked up to the point that I couldn't just jack it in and study something else and a bit of degree-envy that I didn't get one when I could have as I was so focussed on doing this; all I seem to see is people flourishing around me. Windfalls, inheritances and life changing opportunities seem to be blessing all but me. People I used to pity for having soulless jobs are now hitting their stride and 'overtaking' me.
The internet doesn't help as everyone just paints a carefully marketed and branded version of themselves.
As for my life on the bike, well, work and responsibilities are biting harder this year and my immune system seems to be no match for the crap my young son infects us with.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that modern life is heavily skewed towards making us unhappy with our lot. The answer comes by not trying to chase rainbows but by sticking two fingers up and doing it your way. Stuff always happens when you least expect it so just sit back, enjoy the ride and take the good and bad as they come.
I'm trying to take my own advice as we speak 🙂

[aldi advert voice]
[i]I like this.[/i]

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is.” - Eckhart Tolle

[i]I like this too.[/i]

get a dog, they're the best....and then adopt their attitude to life; if you cant play with it, eat it or hump it, walk away and find something else to do.

Probably sounds like preaching but these nuggets really have helped me over the last few years:

You can't change the past, and don't own the future. You can change the present....

Working on from that...

Don't worry about the things you can't change or influence. Work out what you can change and sort those issues out. Many of life's more stressful concerns are those you have no control over. So it's futile worrying about them.

I've gone from being a complete stress bag to someone who enjoys every single day. Well, almost every day!

I've got mates who earn way more than I do, but aren't happy. Many of my achievements have gone unnoticed (might make a line in a history book one day) but I know I've achieved them. Leave the bragging to the braggarts and the cock fighting to the cocks!

P.S. My wife and many acquaintances think I'm a Peter Pan character as I'm motivated by getting out on bike, Surfing, dance music yet I've hit middle age. Well, that's their problem! I know I'll never be a thespian nor a Nobel prize winner, but who really cares??

Life for the most part is boredom, and occasionally suffering.
Problem is people in the West are told from an early age that it isn't.

Musterbation and how we disturb ourselves

Sorry things seem shit for you.
From an outsider looking in they probably aren't shit at all.
The human mind is a bastard and if you find you are bored then it wanders and the decay begins.
Riding/meditating (truly meditating) are god ways of finding a bit of release. This is going to be an anecdotal post as I suspect a lot of others are too.
My Dad took his life when I was 18, he was 46 and had a lifelong history of depression, with several attempts to leave it all behind. Cue knock on effect of my mental health issues including 3 attempted suicides. I absolutely do not think you are anywhere near that point.
Go see your GP by all means to get a counselling referral but also speak to MIND and cut out the middle man as the counseling referrals can take a long time to come through.
Will you have any luck/progression with CBT? Who knows; the prescribed books didn't work for me and I found them patronising and unrealistic.
You sound very similar to me in that you question why your mind goes to the negative side; mine does the same and always looks at the worse possible scenario.

There's nothing wrong with worrying about flights given the current situation with air disasters, it's only human.

There is no normal, it's bullshit. There is only you and your unique take.

Materialistic things are nice and pretty and shiny but amount to **** all when you die, it's just crap for your kids to sell.

Only you can decide what to make of each day, some days are easier and some aren't. Time still passes at the same rate so maybe the next one will be a bit better or a bit worse. The only person who can make a difference is you.

I've made some shit decisions and some great ones, I also have regrets about things I didn't do, but that's hindsight so hey ho.

Good luck, email is in on here if you search for my posts and want to talk about anything.

OP I get it too; perhaps, given the responses on here it's a modern day, middle age malaise?

There's lots of helpfulness and loads of types advice - some of which may work and some of which is anathema (well to me anyway)- as it reflects what I perceive to be the problem.

I think sometimes we all need a bit of a pep talk; you've put a roof over your family's head, food on the table, (hopefully) a family that love you (& yes it can be hard to see amongst the daily drudgery but they'd miss you if you weren't there). A couple of bikes & time to ride them = that's a pretty major achievement.

When I've had depression I've always found it's important to try and ignore the bad days, crawl through them and wait for a better days to come. I try and book something (MTB weekend away) to look forward to where I can de-stress.

And the Career Plan thing is a right PITA - it brings around a similar blue funk in me. 'Hold Fast' is my motto for the bad days - don't screw up what I've got due to a negative emotional cycle.

OP - 12 months ago I could have written your post; I was in a very similar situation and had also been on antidepressants 13 years before that failed to address the underlying self esteem issues.
The medication got me on a even keel and CBT also helped and I'm currently happier than I've been in years although I've still got the fear that it will still collapse around me one day when I get found out.

Good luck and remember that your life is great but you're just not able to realise that at the moment.

Turn on computer log in and stare at screen wondering what the next 10 years will be like.

Can you change jobs?

For me, since I spend the majority of my time at work, the job is critical. I've always been a software engineer but now I'm in a role where I mostly only do the part I love and have far less tedious shit to do. And I'm on a different project every few weeks/months. Being a consultant rather than a contractor has done wonders for my mental state. Plus my colleagues are a great bunch and relaxed.

But, as above - why aren't you already in (or working towards) the job you want? Self esteem or something else perhaps.

You need to find out what you want, then work out how to achieve it. Neither are easy.

Oh and re riding - not necessarily going to help. Personally when I'm miserable then making myself go riding can just be a chore. Mud, same old trails, bike giving me gip - doesn't make for a fun time. Depression (or just being miserable) makes everything look shit even when it's not 🙂

molgrips

Depression (or just being miserable) makes everything look shit even when it's not

Never a truer word spoken.

Could be worth getting your Vit D level checked?

I just can't relax or understand how to be positive.

Maybe the assumption that you should be positive, and the nagging thought that you should be "progressing" at work, whereas you say you're kind of happy as you are, are contributing to the problem.

I found "The antidote" by Oliver Burkeman very interesting as it challenges a lot of the usual "positive thinking" mumbo-jumbo. Another issue which might be causing you grief is looking for certainty where there is none, versus learning to live with uncertainty. For example the fear of flying: if you try and "overcome" the fear with positive thinking that a crash definitely won't happen, it'll come back to bite you as, actually, you can't be certain of that. So one needs to accept uncertainty / doubt and live with it: this isn't easy but is more achievable than trying to create impossible levels of certainty / safety.

I wonder how many people who buy self-help books only buy one?

As apj says we are bombared with pressure to 'be positive' but really what's important is being realistic. There's some good stuff, and some shit, but you just need to enjoy the good and deal with the shit. You're allowed to be miserable and pissed off, but if it's all the time then you need to figure out why.

I'd like to thank you all and specifically shedbrewed and showerman for having the courage an making the effort to post your stories - truly heart wrenching, and a realisation that how lucky I am and perhaps how minor my "actual" problems really are - if they even exist.

I've basically done nothing today except read this thread, and google "mindfulness" and depression. A lot of what has been said - worrying about the future beyond now, the past, a reflection of myself to others is all true, and I can see I've wound myself in knots worrying about all kinds of stuff that shouldnt be an issue. I guess the problem now is that its become a habit.

I think your collective advice has shown me that I need to calm down, take everyday at a time and change my current habits, using some of the aforementioned resources to do so.

The wierdest thing happen this afternoon - I made a cup of tea. But I made it with no rushing to a meeting, conference call or any other time pressures and just sat and enjoyed it. I kinda lost myself blank in something as simple as a cup of tea for 20 minutes and do you know what, it felt good.

Thank you all for talking the time for me which has been so often gifted to other STW'ers when they've reached out.

we're all worm food in a few years

I find bearing that in mind reminds me life is sweet and to keep things in perspective

Glad you are feeling better. But don't try to cope with this on your own.
Your wife should be your closest ally and I am sure would want to help.
You would not want to think of her going through what you are alone.

Also you can slip into a gradually worsening depression without realising its extent and it sometimes takes someone else to make you realise how far from yourself you have slipped and help you realise you need help if and when it comes to it.

I'm not better. But maybe I've been show the directions toward the light at the end of the tunnel.

Have you ever tried any of those mood analysis website things ?

I have been doing some research on this kind of thing at work (in terms of data privacy issues) and there are some sites set up to help what they call the "sub clinical" population e.g people not quite needing medication/treatment but need some help with managing their mood.

You put in data about what you drank, how much exercise, how much sleep etc and rate how you feel each day and it can identify patterns. Might be helpful for some people ?

Big White Wall is another site that looked good - is moderated too and a safe place to talk to people with similar issues. If you are of an analytical bent...

A day in is a day of progress.
I don't mind talking about the bad shit at all, I'm quite open about it. Sometimes it's easier than others. I can't change anything that happened but that doesn't mean I don't grieve over it.
I'm also not a model to base things on; when things were very bad for me and I was on Prozac (didn't work for me) plodding through my 1st depression I was working on a farm, and it was a real struggle to get into work. Not because I didn't want to go, I knew I was better when occupied, but because each morning would be my body making me puke and suffer. The boss, and I had worked there a number of summers, said to me 'don't tell people you're depressed, it's not real, it's just a passing thing like a cold' So I bloodied his lip and walked out of the job.
Felt good at the time but shit after.
My point is try not to sweat the little things, including what others might do or say. Rise above it and don't let your mind niggle at the negatives as otherwise it will always find them.

OCD sufferer here. I currently have (And have had for a long while) CBT monthly and daily meds.

Both of the above have helped improve my life drastically, But nothing as much as being honest with myself and the people around me. Realising its nothing to be ashamed of and being open about it.

Being honest with a good friend also helped him massively as he was major depressed and hiding it from the world. Its amazing how many people this effects yet still not a talk about subject which would improve and save lives.

Lots of good replies, sorry If Im repeating anything!

Airsick, let me thank you for coming forward. Some people believe mental health isnt a form of illness, it is. Naturally, depression is a large part of that, especially in societies eyes. But there is so much more than that.

You're thinking is probably similar to a lot of people. Certainly, it outlined to me what I already know of myself. Relatively intelligent, logical, modest most times, mindful of others, introverted (thats assuming) and incredibly good at thinking. and thinking and thinking. Your senses are probably sponge-like, mine are. After a hard day I have to come home and relax with a monotonous task, generally by myself before I am ready again. Theres only so much you can take.

I put up a thread on here a few weeks ago about whether modern life was too good. On reflection and based upon replies, Im of mixed opinion. Its portrayed as not good enough without this new gadget or the toned body or the nice car. Media has a lot to answer for. And its easy to get sucked in. TV is good, but not for hours on end. Constant re-runs of Top Gear on Dave Im pretty sure is worse than alcohol for killing off brain cells.

I, like you, worry. I put this down to several things. Firstly, the sponge like brain takes in all the advertising, the nastiness, the busyness and lack of relaxing. We are in a time where our brains are racing from 7am to 11pm. And its addictive and comfortable to fall into that trap. Secondly, what our brain percieves to be happiness, isnt. We are relying upon what our eyes are seeing, what are brain is basing that sight on and then pulling up a memory to give what it thinks is a realistic answer. In a short form, Id say its too much external negativity that makes us think negatively.

I am going through similar to you. I have a good job and a career I enjoy, a family that are caring, little debt, a few good friends. But I long for more friends, acceptance of others, to be better than I am. I dont consider myself good looking (yet had no issues getting girlfriends) and I never consider myself interesting, stimulating or worthy yet can hold ongoing conversations for hours.

I havent resorted to CBT yet, or medication. I have been on and off with a counsellor for something I couldnt really get a grip of. I have narrowed it down to something which in itself can lead to depressionist thinking, perfectionism and an unfulfilling life. Now I have an diagnosis, I feel I can work on it move forward.

My advice is stop. Just stop. Turn off the TV, put down the magazine, shut off the laptop. Find a piece of quiet greenery, and go and sit wherever suits. I have sun, nobody else and time when I sit down in a field nearby.

Secondly, write down your traits and thinking. Dont hold back. Be as brutally honest as you can. Keep it, and refer back to it. Your idea of yourself will change, some days itll be worse and some better. Show it to your wife, ask for her honest opinion. She will tell you that some are correct and some are in your head. Maybe google some of them. Nothing wrong with exploring your ideas of yourself because I doubt you are the only one feeling that set of feelings. Get some clarity on what you are really feeling before you figure out what treatment is best.

If you ever need someone to rant to, talk about worries I am no counsellor but I will certainly listen. My email is in my profile if you ever need it.

Doug

PS sorry for the long reply!

deviants post sounds like it was written about me.

I've grown to not care if someone has something better than me, if someone earns more than me.

I work for myself, charge my students a reasonable fee and run the business the way it works for me. Other people in the same line of work are often going on " Simmy, charge more, bill em if they cancel " well what I do works for me so I'm not changing.

One guy I know is obsessed with money and I've never met a more miserable, angry, frustrated person and he does the same job as me.

Yeah I do care about the people who care about me and I've only one real friend, but worrying about other people doesn't interest me at all.

I've not always been this way and I have bad days were I feel really anxious, but that's just human nature. I'm not religious, but we have these feelings as human beings and learning to understand them is a great help.

That should not read as being callous, but getting an understanding of emotions / feelings can help you manage them,

Good luck OP, there are brighter days out there.

It's like morrisey's stag do on here! cheer up chaps it may never happen

Don't dis mozza - he was well ahead of the game

OP - bookmark/record the stuff on here you've appreciated and use it as a reality check when you're struggling.
Go on a few days bike touring if you can - no worries but the next meal and where to sleep - really therapeutic

@Airsick9 if theres £8 you should invest its on this from Amazon UK

http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Rational-Living-Albert-Ellis/dp/0879800429/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_t

Even for those without any issues per se, its a great slap in the face book to put things in perspective and allow proper rational thinking. Check out some of the reviews.

Hi Airsick

I know exactly what you're going through it's not nice but I can tell you it is entirely manageable. I am also not a doctor so feel free to disregard this entire post but am dealing with a situation almost identical to your own. Speak with your GP as soon as you can because this sounds like textbook depression to me, you [b]_ARE_NOT_[/b] wasting anyones time by doing this.

After 15 years of living with it I took the decision to medicate which, I appreciate, isn't for everyone but I'd tried CBT, relaxation, self help books etc with mixed non permanent results. I ended up reasoning that none of this would address the fundemental lack of happy chemicals in my brain, hence my decision.

A couple of things I found useful to bear in mind

- Depression is not caused by anything, it just happens. Tell yourself this every time you think I have nothing to be depressed about.

- You do not deserve to feel like this despite what you are telling yourself. You are not a bad person.

- Taking medicine to make you better is no different to having an inhaler or wearing gegs to see.

- Cycling is fantastic and can really help but isn't a lot of use if you can't get off your living room floor.

- The voices telling you that no one cares about how you're feeling and that you'd be wasting the doctors time belong to the depression and do not reflect reality (you may not be able to see this but it's true)

- Cut back on alcohol / non prescription 'medication', I did very extensive research in this area and none of it helped (nothing implied here).

See if you can get hold of Marcus Trescothick's book, I forget what it's called, it's a good read and helped me.

Keep venting and get help, please

Re Hels' suggestion for a mood tracker, try [url= https://www.moodscope.com/ ]Moodscope[/url]

It helps just to sit at the beginning or end of the day (best to do it at the same time each day) and think about your mood and how you feel. Over time as the graph rises and falls you'll notice patterns. For me, boosters are getting plenty of sleep, eating well, getting outside, exercise, time spent with friends having great conversations. Mood droppers are very clearly: more than a couple of pints of beer, lack of sleep, eating badly.

It doesn't change your life instantly but helps give you a more dispassionate and analytical view of your moods which helps you promote the circumstances for good moods and avoid the circumstances that lead to bad moods. In that respect, it really helps you feel like you have some control, which is a real strength.

But the feelings of negativity and paranoia still return, which in itself is illogical.

It's not "illogical": healthy non-smokers get lung-cancer.

A quote that cropped up with regard to Robin Williams:

Saying "What have you got to be depressed about?" is as daft as saying "What have you got to be diabetic about?"

I kinda lost myself blank in something as simple as a cup of tea for 20 minutes and do you know what, it felt good.

Doing stuff like that is an essential part of my life. I absolutely need to have time spent immersed in something simple (or nothing) otherwise I end up like you 🙂