Singletrack Issue 163: Mumblings from a bike mechanic

Tom Simpson is a bike mechanic with a big attitude and a bigger hammer. This issue, electric shifting is on the Anvil of Grump.

This current grumbling was started by the recent influx of battery-powered doohickeys we have had in the workshop. I’m not talking about ebikes here; that’s an entirely different subgenre. Those are a place for a different sort of cyclist; the kind of cyclist that likes their steak well-done or a chicken korma instead of something spicy. And that’s totally OK, everyone likes a korma occasionally, including me.

What I’m talking about is the invasion of batteries on a machine, whose true beauty lies in its engineering simplicity. A machine that for hundreds of years has transported millions of humans across the globe and required no regular fueling other than the pilot itself, the occasional drop of oil on the chain and oxygen in the tyres.

I can sort of understand the electronic dropper, and its appeal of no more faff with routing the cable through the frame. Some bike designers seem intent on incorporating their last spelunking holiday routes, which require some sort of snake charmer to get the bloody cable to exit the correct path to freedom. I can even get my head around the convenience of being able to quickly swap the post from bike to bike, but unless you’re a bike tester with a regular rotation of new whips, is this a real world pro? Even I can admit, having fewer cables looks cool, but the extra weight bothers me and leaving your battery in the garage when you arrive at the carpark after the three-hour drive is certainly not great! I’ve been there, and no offensive word or swear was left on the table!

But my main issue is with electric gears. They are my main bugbear in the ever-expanding war for future tech. As a mechanic, I see intolerance differences between manufacturers all the time. Like where putting a different wheel in can greatly upset the indexing and it’s never quite correct, when the old one was just fine. Try explaining that to a customer that’s just bought a new 500 quid rear hub. A hot Sunday roast to the first manufacturer that brings out an update that can save individual gears’ index positions, and we might be on route to a brave new world.

As a rider, the amount of ‘lectric derailleurs I’ve seen suddenly stop working because they have got damp makes me consider them as not fit for purpose on our shores. The last thing I need is my friend having to give singlespeeding a go, five hours into a ten-hour loop, with only a Mars bar and packet of crisps for subsistence (he ate his lunch on the drive over). Throw some mud and grit in there, and it doesn’t seem to be long before the Terminator is looking like terminated. And don’t get me started on the carpark software update a pal must perform before we can get our ride on the way. My dentist has seen a few extra pennies these last few years from the extra talking I’ve been doing through gritted teeth.

I think I can explain my fear of  this invasive tech. I am of the age where everything I learned and grew up with; the warm and involving experience of analogue, was quickly superseded by the cold and soulless chill of the digital revolution. My VHS and tapes, CDs and Minidisc collection, all gone to streaming! My favourite bike magazines vanished from newsagent shelves! My film and photography degree, hilariously outdated as quickly as I had achieved it. Ask Jeeves (remember that guy?) gone for Skynet in disguise, Chat GPT!  And now, my one constant in life, the trusty and dependable bike, my friend that’s seen me through all the heartbreak and low times and given me so many opportunities, adventures and memories, they are now trying to take you too! To integrate you into their modern society, with their add-ons and flashy lights akin to a poorly decorated fake Christmas tree! 

I will not let them take you from meeeeeeeee! (Just picture an old man yelling at the sky)

But then again, bikes do look kinda cool with fewer cables…