Adam Batty ponders the importance of the humble bench. From a bench.
Words & Photo: Adam Batty
A Classic Bench
I started to move faster as I approached the bench. Then pretended that was my normal pace, and I was not trying to beat someone to it. A final lunge from an ambitious two steps away secured my spot ahead of my competitors. I initiated the tried and tested slump backward. Bumping my bum over the gaps between the wooden slats as I nestled the arch of my back up against the cold backrest. Triumphantly raising and resting one arm, then the other. I’d done it again. Against all odds, I secured my place on a bloomin’ classic bench. Everyone knew this spot was mine, and I wouldn’t be giving it up any time soon.
I knew at that point that I’d found my calling as a ‘classic bench’ aficionado. And, even though it might go against my best interests, I needed to dedicate myself to educating people in the art of classic benches. Of course I will never reveal their location, nor do I expect any classic bencher to do so. But, I will teach you what to look for so you can find your wooden slice of bum-supporting heaven.
It’s hard to describe exactly what makes a classic bench so classic. More often than not, it’s a feeling rather than a definitive list of criteria. I have, however, found several things to be present in the true classic bench moments in my life.
A Classic Bench
A view
A nice view helps. But, it doesn’t have to be ‘nice’. An exotic or provocative view is better. It could be facing a bucolic valley with lush rolling hills, or it could be pointing your eyes at the side of the vending machine in a garden centre. The key here is intrigue and curiosity. It must first catch your eye by saying ‘Oi, mate, have you seen this? Come on, have a little peep, what’s the rush?’ Then, it offers you a promise. A promise that you will learn something from this view. Something unknown, but important. Something that will enrich you. It is your job to submit to this and be better for it.
2.5 people width
Classic bench-heads are not normally fans of numbers. They find it crude to turn a vibe-based sport into an objective science. Sometimes though, it can be a numbers game when it comes to bench width. Typically, 42 to 60 inches wide is the range you’re working within (unless you believe the tale of the 2,000-inch bench lurking in the depths of Loch Ness). Fifty-two inches is the golden number. It’s the perfect size for 2.5 people. This means it’s the perfect width for putting off intruders and solo benching it. Sitting right in the middle allows enough space for only three-quarters of a person on either side. Which, unless you encounter a slightly deranged bench sharer (the same kind of person who sits next to you on a near-empty train, or stands too close at a urinal), should provide enough of a deterrent to intruders.
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Symmetry
Some people say symmetry is synonymous with beauty. In the world of benches, this is true. Symmetry allows you to feel centred within a bench. It envelopes you. Hugs you. It also suits both left and right-handers.
The only exception is if a bench is so unbelievably wonky and one-sided that it blows your mind with intrigue and puzzlement. For example, one side is on fire and one side is in perfect condition. Or if the bench suddenly goes skyward at a 90-degree angle at the centre. This admittedly only happens if you are cycling along interdimensional routes.
Protected rear
I don’t mean to sound paranoid, but at any point in life someone may sneak up behind you and steal your sandwiches. It’s a similar situation to when you leave a foot hanging out of the bed and you feel certain you will be attacked by a vampire/otherworldly beasts.
This is why a bench with a rear that reaches to at least your shoulder blades is critical to keep your sandwiches intact. The small wooden wall behind you signals to the prospective bread burglar that you know their game. They will scarper. They will feel browbeaten. And, they will respect you for eternity.
Drink spot
This is a simple one. You need a surface to put your drink on and be confident in the knowledge that it isn’t going to tip over or gradually slide towards the edge of the bench once condensation starts to kick in. This means the surface needs to be flat. It also needs to be perpendicular to the force of gravity. This is crucial in 99% of situations. However, you might find that a surface can be at any angle if you live in one of the few areas of the UK where gravity doesn’t exist (i.e. Luton, Nether Langwith, Aberdeen).
Wheel spot
The best way to rest a bicycle is by leaning the rear tyre against an upwards-facing structure, such as a concrete post or the shin of a sturdy and cooperative horse. Of course, you then ensure the bicycle is in the easiest gear with the drive-side crank in the 3 o’clock position. A jaunty lean, which allows the handlebars to flop to one side slightly, is also a sweet thing. A bench with a sturdy rear leg, on a relatively level platform, so the bike doesn’t roll away, presents the ideal spot for a bicycle lean.
The aura of the bench
If you need this explaining, put down this magazine and move on. You are a chair person.
Your bench is waiting out there
You are now a fully qualified classic bench seeker. Your journey begins here.
You must know, however, that there are difficulties and downsides to the seeking journey. For example, there is no sure-fire way to know where your nearest classic bench is. It’s a trial and error process. You may hear talk of a classic bench in your area that ticks all the boxes, but doesn’t feel like it is a good fit for you once you place your rear on it (you will feel utterly destroyed when this happens, but will move on). And, of course, the classic bench that fits your needs may not be in your county, country, or time zone. I also must hasten to add that you may spend your whole life seeking the bench that truly fills you with the awe and positivity you deserve, but you may never find its location.
The positives are plentiful though. You will find many classic benches along your journey, and you will enjoy your experience with them. You will enjoy developing and honing your seeking procedure and may even become a revered artisan known the world over. And, for the true dreamers, it is entirely possible that you may find that the most classic of all benches is located along your local loop.
You now have everything you need to find your classic bench and many others. All you need to do now is to get off your backside and go sit on your backside somewhere else. Somewhere classic. Somewhere bench.
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