Never one to shy away from “unusual trail food”, Sanny delves into the world of inappropriate trailside beverages and comestibles so you don’t have to.
Let’s face it, if you are hungry enough, you will pretty much eat anything that is put in front of you. There is nothing like the bonk to focus the mind and make even tripe and kidneys appealing. But what food and drink should you avoid on a ride? What are the items that may seem like a good idea but which, like meeting your heroes, are ultimately a disappointment?
Read on, dear reader and let me enlighten you…
The power of beer compels me!
Beer is for winners, right? That’s what the stickers say. In the right context (ie. a beer garden in a country pub on a warm summer’s evening), it’s hard to disagree. Even a mid-ride beer stop has its benefits. Want to imbibe some bottled courage and adopt a languid fluidity on the bike? Beer may be for you but go beyond one and you are on the slippery slope to where your ambition massively exceeds your ability resulting in the inevitable tree/face interface. Combine it with that bloated, gassy feeling of nauseous excess and you’ll be more concerned about inducing a tactical vom than riding your bike.
Personally, I can’t stand beer. To me, it tastes disgusting and has no redeeming features. However, when it comes to cider or gin, well, that’s a different story. Whatever your tipple of choice, the wise move may be to leave it until the end of the ride.
Are you for coffee?
For many, a cup of joe is a required part of the pre-ride routine. It gives you that early morning boost to help transition from hiding beneath the covers to being out and riding. However, unless you go decaff, don’t be surprised if the diuretic effect of the coffee has you choking for a drink and bursting for a wee as the ride goes on.
If you really want to go to town, consider having one of Starbucks or Costas high sugar concoctions Wow! You will feel like an unstoppable superhero right until the point that the sugar crash hits you like a sledgehammer. You may want to pack some insulin.
Ba-na-naaaaaaaaaaa!
Whaaaaat? Are you mental, Sanny? Bananas are awesome. A perfect combination of energy and nutrition in a tasty package. How on earth can you include them on this list? Easy. The content is great but the packaging is piss poor.
How many times have you put a perfectly ripe banana in your ride pack only to find a squishy brown unpalatable mess that has exploded over the contents of your pack? Save yourself the trauma and invest in a banana guard. Or better still, eat it before the ride along with some crunchy peanut butter spread on a couple of slices of Lidl’s outstandingly tasty Low Gi Cob. Nom nom nom!
Magma in pastry form – the McDonald’s Hot Apple Pie!
Now I have to hold my hand up here. I love a McDonald’s Hot Apple Pie. Deep fried pastry with a sweet apple and cinnamon centre. You just know that it is REALLY bad for you but damn, it tastes sooooo good. Balanced diet be damned. Sometimes a little bit of what you fancy does you good.
However, rather like a Findus Crispy Pancake, a degree of caution is required. When McDonald’s say “Caution! Hot!” on the packaging, they aren’t kidding. As tempting as it is to bike down as soon as you hand over your coins, do so at your peril. I have no idea how they cook them but I’m certain it must involve some kind of nuclear reaction. It’s like liquid hot magma with a sweet aftertaste, albeit one that you are unable to appreciate as all your taste buds have been numbed.
468 calories of awesomeness – the McDonald’s Chocolate Milkshake
I am practically salivating at the very thought. Who but McDonald’s could produce such a tasty sugary concoction? Ignore the urban myth that their milkshakes contain animal fats. It was a great story that ultimately proved to be made up.
Made from 75% milk (which makes me wonder what the heck the other 25% is?), it’s hard to beat a large milkshake on a warm day, post ride. Ice cream headaches aside, it gives you an instant sugar rush. However, as with all high content processed sugar products, with every high comes the inevitable low. Save it for after the ride and enjoy.
The classic McDonald’s Burger and Fries
Three products from the Golden Arches in one list. It would be easy for me to slag off fast food of all types. McDonald’s are an easy target but in this case, it’s not a question of taste or nutrition but the fact that one is never enough.
99p for a cheeseburger is not a lot of money but I challenge anyone other than a field mouse with an eating disorder to eat one and feel full. Eat one and I can almost guarantee that within five minutes you’ll be lined up for another one. Perhaps not great for your waistline but worse for your wallet.
I’m so egg-cited, and I just can’t hide it – the Crème Egg
Ah yes, Cadbury’s fine confection has to rank among the greats of the sweetie world. Along with Cadbury’s Flake, Tunnock’s Snowball and the venerable Twix, the Crème Egg has been a seasonal staple for as long as I can remember. Thankfully, recent meddling with the recipe (keep your paws off the Cadbury chocolate coating, you Yank heathens!) was countered by a social media campaign where the owners of Cadbury were forced to think again. The Crème Egg is as tasty as it has always been.
However, on the trail, aside from the inevitable sticky goo/glove interface that makes your gloves feel like they have been coated in Copydex, albeit without the weird fishy smell, Crème Eggs are a nightmare to eat without an accompanying drink. They taste brilliant but eat them on their own and your mouth will be filled with cloying desperation as you seek out something to counter the moisture sucking contents of said egg. Do yourself a favour and chop it up and serve with a post ride ice cream. Great off the trail, not so good on it.
Fizzy water in a bidon (what is wrong with ‘water bottle’? – Ed)
There is little as refreshing as an ice cold glass of sparkling water on a warm day to quench the thirst and lift the spirits. Forget the big brand names, even the cheapest of cheap own brand water will do the trick. It’s no big logic leap to think that sparkling water in a bidon or Camelbak bladder will provide a mid-ride pick you up. However, there is good reason sparkling water comes in screw top bottles.
Repeated jolts on your bidon is almost as effective as shaking it vigorously to build up pressure before it overcomes the bite valve and sprays its’ content over you or your bike. It starts with an annoying “phssst phssst phssst” before the inevitable explosion occurs. If you really want to go to town, why not add the likes of Ribena to create a properly sticky mess?
Scottish cuisine at its sweetest – The Snowball
“What the hell is a snowball, some kind of freakishly weird cocktail much beloved of the hipster set?”, I can practically hear our southern cousins mutter. Let me enlighten you. A snowball is a sticky, gooey amalgam of sugar, glucose syrup, desiccated coconut, palm oil and a whole host of other ingredients. Try to imagine the inside of a marshmallow just as it has melted over an open fire, add a crisp chocolate outer and coat it with desiccated coconut. Et voila, the gastronomic delight that is a snowball. Whether made by Tunnock’s or Lee’s, the humble snowball has a very moreish quality. One is never enough, particularly if you chose to have it on top of a traditional Italian ice cream café cone with added Flake for full coronary meltdown.
The problem comes when you pull one out from your bag while out on the trail. The delicate nature of this fine comestible means that it will almost certainly be rendered a gooey mess inside its plastic wrapper. It makes banana look bullet proof by comparison. Once you have smeared more on your face than actually managed to consume, you can expect the instant sugar hit followed by the inevitable sugar crash. You’ll also be wishing you had brought more with you for one is truly never enough. So taste great, a disaster to carry and will always leaving you wanting for more.
Crips with delusions of grandeur – the tortilla chip
Fancy a bit of savoury while out on your ride? Now it used to be that a packet of cheese and onion (in the green bag – none of your Walker’s Crisps blue bag heresy for me, thank you very much Gary Lineker with your cheeky smug grin!) Golden Wonder crisps would be what you would take. However, time and tastes have changed. No longer do we have humble cheese and onion but it’s now extra mature, oak smoked, delicately aged artisan Cheshire cheese taken from the milk of corn fed cows brought up on a diet of quinoa and bulger wheat coupled with chives and wild garlic for that authentic taste of the country.
Personally, I blame the influx of “foreign” foods such as Tortilla Chips for this forcing traditional crisp makers to rebrand in an attempt to beat off the competition. Sorry, I’m monologuing. Where was I? Oh yes, Tortilla Chips. I will readily admit that I love Tortilla Chips, especially the ones that smell a bit like mouldy socks but which taste fantastic. However, their large size means that it only takes a few good bumps and rattles on the trail to turn them into micro fine granules. The taste is still there but jamming a glove full of crumbs in your gob just isn’t the same experience.
Just the right amount of too much – The Footlong Subway
I have to admit that I thought long and hard about adding this to the list. When it comes to fast food, there is an awful lot to like about a Subway sandwich. Freshly baked bread (or cake, if you happen to be in Ireland, with its ten percent sugar content!), toasted with cheese and with more vegetables available than you can shake a stick at including olives, jalapenos and sliced gherkin, a Footlong Subway can pack a mighty calorific punch. The trouble comes when you sway away from the likes of Turkey Breast and Ham and opt for something a bit more, well, meaty – The Meatball Marinara. I have genuinely no idea what goes into them but they do taste extremely tasty which means they are probably really bad for you.
Problems arise when after you have scoffed down your Footlong (accompanied, no doubt, by a bottle of Coke) and start your ride again. All is well and good until the meat sweats hit you. Blood that would have been rushing all around your body is now flowing to your somewhat bloated and gassy stomach. Your legs now start to feel heavy and you are regretting the cookie which you added as a little treat to yourself. Instead, why not go easy on yourself. Eat half and save the other half for later. Your stomach and legs will thank you for it.
So there you have it. 11 things to avoid when out on a ride. Of course, when it comes to the post ride food and drink binge when the munchies hit you hard, well, that of course is a different matter!
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