How to be a dick during the Coronavirus

Never one not to be topical, or controversial, Sanny is back with his latest in his “How to be a dick….” Series. This time he sets his sights on a topic that we are all too familiar with. The following opinions are not necessarily those of Singletrack, but they are most definitely Sanny’s. Oh, and his language is fairly ripe in places. You have been warned!

What is it about your common, average, everyday global pandemics that manage to bring out both the best and worst in people? As I write this in our current state of lockdown, I’ve come to reflect on some of the truly world class acts of dickery (Is that even a word? – Ed) and bellendery (thank you Paddy McGuinness for that little gem!) that I have witnessed and experienced over the last few weeks. So strap in folks and get your bingo cards at the ready as I take you on a journey through a world where common sense appears to be anything but common. First one to call House on all nine wins!

1 – The toilet roll accumulator

I wonder if the decline of the Roman Empire started with a run, so to speak, on bog roll? For whatever reason be it panic, a lack of understanding of basic human anatomy or spending too much time on social media, the Andrex Puppy is going to have to be put down through exhaustion and overwork given the world has gone mad over bumff. While we may all be collectively if not literally crapping ourselves, I’m no medic but I’m pretty sure that one of the symptoms isn’t the world falling out of your bottom.

For those who want to take a more sanguine and evidence led approach to your next shop, may one suggest you take a look at www.howmuchtoiletpaper.com ? You can have literally seconds of fun counting your rolls, number of wipes and number of sheets used per wipe use for each ablution to work out how many days of supply you have left. In the case of the wingnut down my street who lives on his own and went in the house with a 72 pack the other day, he is going to be fine for the next 384 days! We just won’t talk about the increased fire risk though, eh?

2 – The pasta party purveyor

Dear Lord, where do I start with this one? I will hold my hand up and admit that I am a big fan of pasta. Give me a classic carbonara and I am a very happy camper. However, I’m not Italian, I don’t live in Italy and I rarely eat pasta more than once a week. So just why is it that folk have gone nuts over pasta? Have we suddenly decided that we are all going to be the next Antonio Carluccio? If you are going to go as bit daft for pasta, you might want to remember that it tastes better with a bit of sauce. I wonder in the weeks and months to come whether folk will so sicken themselves to it that Italian restaurants across the land are going to struggle when life goes back to normal? I give it another three days before kids start rebelling against yet another meal of bloody pasta! On the plus side, at least we know that food banks are going to enjoy a massive spike in donations when folk realise that there is really only so much fancily shaped durum wheat based product that a family can stand.

3 – The social media virtue signaller

Ah nothing brings out the best in human nature like a crisis that allows them to share with their friends, family and anyone else unlucky enough to be within earshot just how caring and empathetic they are. Cutesy little quotes about living their best lockdown life, sending their love and hugs to all their bestie peeps, posting about all the great things that you have been doing to help everyone in your street only goes to prove that you are a narcissistic bellend. If you are looking after vulnerable family, friends and neighbours, I absolutely salute you. If there is good to come out of all of this weirdness, it will be that we realise the importance of looking out for each other and I have to admit that I am fairly optimistic about that. However, if you are feeling the need to share with the world all the fabulous things you are doing, take a moment for self-reflection – I know that this will be unfamiliar to you but there is a first time for everything. Ask yourself is it about you or others? If it is the former then welcome to the dick club.

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4 – Practicing social isolation while your kids play with their mates

Fortunately as we are now restricted to social gatherings of 2, this should now stop but how many times have you witnessed adults carefully adhering to social distancing of two metres while their kids ran loose with their pals? Is there something in the brain that makes folk think that kids aka those little mobile petri dishes of coughs and sneezes spreading diseases are entirely immune to spreading viruses? As anyone who is a parent will attest, there is nothing like having kids to guarantee that you will catch every cough, cold and sniffle going in the nursery and playground. If you still persist in believing that your kids are in some way immune and can’t be carriers, just remember the last time you had to treat them for nits. Nits generally need direct physical contact, viruses not so much. So remind me again why little Hugo or Scholastica are in any way less likely to transmit it than their parents? Quite probably because people tend to base behaviours on the example of the here and now.  If everything is ok at the moment then there is a limited psychological imperative to change behaviours now in the face of a threat that doesn’t feel real.  

5 – Being able to exercise isn’t an excuse for regular six hour epics

Go on. Admit it. We were all thinking it and I am just as guilty as anyone on this. How many of us when they heard that we would be allowed to continue cycling thought that we could start knocking out some seriously big miles lest we are driven potty in our houses or go to the hills to escape from the mundanity of lockdown? As anyone who saw the pictures of folk walking up Snowdon or along the beachfronts across Blighty at the weekend, clearly an awful lot of people had exactly the same thought and decided to put themselves before others. As cyclists, we are sociable loners but whether we wish to recognise it or not, we are part of a much bigger community and that brings with it a need to exercise discretion and common sense. Right now, I would love to be riding the ridge of Sgorr Gaoth or blasting along the West Highland Way but I know full well that if I t**t myself, all I am doing is putting unnecessary strain on Mountain Rescue and the NHS so I’m going to have to just screw the nut and hunker down. As Tom Hanks so eloquently puts it “This too shall pass” and we will get back to big adventures soon enough. As a guide, if it feels like you are taking the piss, you probably are so ease back on the riding for the time being.

6 – The non-expert expert

Where to begin with this little gift that keeps on giving? In “There goes the Neighbourhood”, Sheryl Crow sings about the dry cleans and the freaks being out on the town. In this case, not so much out on the town as being unleashed on mainstream media. Astrologists, flat Earthers, foil hat wearing conspiracy theorists, far right end of days religious nuts, homeopathic zealots, anti-vaccers – they are all there sharing their views with anyone daft enough to listen. Of course, they have always been there but circumstances are such that they now feel vindicated and emboldened to share their curious world view. Fortunately, it is easy to switch off and ignore them. However, it is the dafties who think that they have suddenly become experts in virology and epidemiology that are worth watching, if only for the car crash logic they bring to the table. Witness for the prosecution No 1. A well-known faded model arguing with a doctor that a two week lockdown would fix things because, and I quote, she read it in a newspaper. As Billy Connelly so eloquently puts it, “Jesus suffering F*ck!” While Michael Gove might think that we have had enough of experts, I’m fairly unequivocal that I haven’t. I’d rather take my lead from someone who has spent years studying a subject and is an acknowledged expert in the field than someone who wears clothes for a living.

7 – The oversharer aka the social media ejit

Usually displaying a measure of behaviour 3 and 6, what is it that makes people feel the need to share doom and gloom on social media? Sharing thoughts and concerns based on uncorroborated stories that were told them by a friend of a friend who overheard someone on the bus who claimed that the guy down the chip shop swears he is Elvis doesn’t make for the best of mental health. The nature of social media is that it is very much an echo chamber of your beliefs and world view. If you are someone who believes everything you read in the Weekly World News and on Facebook, you are probably a bit of a lost cause but for everyone else, why not take a moment before you share the latest depressing fact or story and ask whether doing so is going to make people feel better or worse about themselves? Why not just take a break and switch your device off.

8 – The essential worker who isn’t

While it is tempting to believe that your job is somehow essential, what with one thing and another going on, the reality we now find ourselves in means that it probably isn’t. As a former Finance Director, I realised pretty early in my career that what I did could in no way be classified as essential. Getting food to the table, caring for the elderly, medicine, keeping the lights on – they are all essential. However, getting your cup of decaf, super skinny, mocha-choca chino with added super food goji berries and quinoa and finished with unicorn tear soya milk from your favourite bearded and tattooed, skinny jean wearing hipster is not what falls into the category off essentials. It’s definitely in the nice to have category but not the women and children first category. And for the avoidance of doubt, estate agents and the ability to buy the latest pair of Nike sneakers are definitely NOT essential! 

9 – Forgetting just to keep calm and carry on

Being connected like we have never been before in human history, it is easy to become all consumed by everything pandemic. Wherever we look, whoever we talk to, whatever we listen to – it is hard to avoid the subject. When we see images of panic buying in Italy, mass lockdown, people wearing gloves and facemasks – there is a tendency to feel that an escape route out of the situation has been lost and that we have lost all control. It’s why you get ejits jumping in their cars and camper vans in an ill-advised attempt to gain back perceived control of their situation ignoring the fact that they may just be doing a great job of transmission to a wider community. Running to their rural second home? Dicks the lot of them. Instead of reacting, why not just take a breath and focus on what you can do and not what you can’t? You really don’t need to spend every waking minute of every day thinking about the situation. Take positive steps. Get in touch with friends and family through the likes of Skype and Facetime. Reconnect with friends you haven’t seen in ages and kept meaning to get in touch with but never found the time. When you are exercising, enjoy the fresh air and the little things like bird song and the wind rustling through leaves. Make plans for the future. Where will you go on your next adventure? Be less Kermit and more Kermode.

So just how many did you manage to tick off? I’m betting all nine! While some of my thoughts and ideas may come across as a little bit Mr Rogers – I don’t want to underplay just how difficult and worrying the current situation is for pretty much everyone. However, taking time to think about the positives and taking a break from the media bombardment is no bad thing. I am genuinely hopeful that as we find ourselves in strange times where a Conservative Government is implementing the most radical form of socialist policies of support in our history, we may actually come out of this a better and more caring society. If not, at least no one is talking about Brexit!