Singletrack’s Bike Room 101

First published in Singletrack issue 101, of course

This being issue 101, it seemed an ideal opportunity to release some long-standing angst that I know has been fermenting in the bellies of many Singletrack staff for quite some time… In that regard, the fact that this is, indeed, issue 101 is purely a catalyst for the release of some seriously pent-up feelings.

The way this works, just like the ‘real’ Room 101 concept, is that I invited staff members to put forward their arguments for objects, products, clothing or even concepts from the bike industry, past or present, which in their mind deserve to be confined to this dusty vault and just forgotten as if they never existed. Like flared trousers or the contents of Chipps’ ‘most played’ playlist on his iPod.

But it should be noted that I’m judge and jury here – I was asked to write this, so I also claim the right to write the rules – and while the arguments I expect to be full of passion and conviction, I will be applying rationality and logic to my judgements… at least, my own brand of those concepts.

So, to our first submission.

Names: Sarah Nolan-Bell and Hannah Dobson
Jobs: Office Manager and Editorial Assistant
Candidate for inclusion: White Lycra
Argument: (Sarah) Lycra shorts on male people. I don’t want to see your bulge or lack of, but if it’s there I will stare. (Hannah) adds: It is immodest. Even with euro-style tanned legs, white shorts are just a bit OTT and just make the rest of us feel cold and vitamin D deficient. And it stains. Brown muddy ass stains on white Lycra. I rest my case.

Mark’s Judgement:
It’s quite something to think that a couple of decades ago we all wore Lycra. (I know some still do but, generally, it is now at least out of some semblance of function and restricted to competition.) However, there’s been some recent extreme examples of new team kit that has been simply shocking to look at. Now, while this may be worn by pros and, therefore, come under the ‘competition’ clause, the fact they are on public display to the rest of us should demonstrate why trying to replicate that look must be classed as a sickness. Lycra per se is bad and only acceptable as either a liner under your shorts or in competition. White Lycra has no place on this earth and, of course, it goes into Room 101.

Name: Ali Chant
Job: Tech Manager (Also Beard)
Candidate for inclusion: 1.9in, 2.0in, 2.1in. 2.2in tyres
Argument: Get some proper tyres or just stop dicking around and get a cyclocross bike.

Mark’s Judgement:
I remember not long ago hunting through the office rubber for a ‘nice fat 2.2’ to give my Nicolai a bit of ‘gnar’ – 2.2 was the tyre size of ‘the rad’ just a few years ago. Now 2.4 is common and of course there are ‘Chubbies’ and ‘Fatties’ that make yesterday’s big tyres look scrawny. Logically, there will be a limit reached where it’s just not physically possible to go any bigger. At that point, and with nowhere else to go, the industry will reverse and the Rubber Du Jour will become smaller as the trend and marketers backtrack looking for continued sales. My point being, that those skinny one-point-nines will probably come back because trends do go round and round. Someone will invent a ‘new’ use for them and a explanation as to why they are better then anything else. Probably some reasoning around ‘cutting through mud’ or ‘clearance issues’, etc. Anyway, that resurgence, for better or worse, is inevitable and what we don’t want to be doing is wading through the rest of the crap in Room 101 to find them when we need to put them back on again to stop looking all ‘yesterday’ and stoopid. So, it’s a pragmatic rejection of skinny tyres.

Name: Barney Marsh
Job: Staff Writer
Candidate for inclusion: Any obsession with bike weight
Argument: Sure, it’s possible to have a bike that’s too heavy. But it’s equally possible to have a bike that’s too light. Unstable in the air, too twangy on the ground – awful. You want to save weight? Go for a poo before you ride.

Mark’s Judgement:
There’s a distinction to be made here. A light bike per se is a good thing. Spending several months’ wages on a light bike and then spending another month’s salary shaving off half a kilo is just idiotic. I agree with Barney, there’s simple physics that you can’t avoid. A really good shit is 400g and feels a lot better than dinging your ENVE rims on a rock on the second ride out. Even liposuction would be a more cost-effective option than a £2k pair of wheels. Bike weight obsession is in Room 101.

Name: Chipps
Job: I’m not really sure. Editor, I guess
Candidate for inclusion: Trying too hard on social ride riders
Argument: Training on social rides
When Nick Craig or Jason Miles come riding with us, if they need to get some training in that day, they do it before they come out riding with us. They know that a social ride is for chatting, lounging around at gateposts and looking at the view while eating sandwiches and Haribo. Unless you’re training with your training buddies on a training ride, then don’t turn everything into a race. If you want to race, then go and race.

Mark’s Judgement:
It’s true that the most annoying people in the world are those who ‘race’ or ‘train’ on your weekly social pub ride. The truth is they don’t ride any more than you do, and the social rides mostly make up their entire riding calendar. You will find that they entered a race over six months ago with every intention of training hard for their mid-pack ambitions, but completely wasted that time by pretending to be too busy and kidding themselves that a couple of Maccy D meals a week is actually fine. That race will be at the weekend and this antisocial attempt at training will be the only training they’ve done, dooming them to come way down at the bottom of the results. But that’s all fine they’ll tell you at next week’s social encounter, it was all about the personal challenge and nothing to do with competing with everyone else… //Caps or ITS//SO WHY BUGGER UP THE SOCIAL RIDE WITH YOUR MATES BY BEING A DICK AT THE FRONT? Yeah, these knobs get a good push into Room 101.

 

Do you have your own suggestions for items or ideas that deserve to be consigned to the bike industry dungeon that lies behind the door marked 101? Then send them along with your arguments to mark@singletrackworld.com and if you suggestion makes it into print AND into room 101 then you will win one of our highly sought after Today t-shirts.

Issue 102 will be out in early December. Subscribe now and get free stuff.